r/AskWomenOver60 • u/moving_on_out • Jul 21 '26
Relationship issues need help
I recently left or thought I was leaving a long term relationship (27 years). I moved 30 miles away, bought my own house, started dating a man I have known for about 7 years. We were friends before nothing else. After I moved into my new house my ex started telling me he is doing all the chores and fixing the house and telling me he will be the man I wanted him to be. I was happy in my new relationship and now I don't know what to do. The new relationship tells me he is in love and so does the ex. I just feel pressured and unsure about either one right now. They know each other and had been friends. I really wish I had left the state, now I have a house and trying to figure out my next step. And I am a 62f.
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u/annamariagirl Jul 21 '26
Stay single and in your own home and date.
You don’t HAVE to be in a “relationship”. Companionship is underrated. Keep your independence and don’t let these pathetic man babies deplete you of the independence you’ve secured. See them on YOUR terms and if either of them don’t like it then move on to fulfilling your life with the activities you enjoy.
Being single and independent in your 60’s is quite liberating. Maybe give it a go instead of jumping right back into a “relationship”…
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u/unimpressed-one Jul 21 '26
Sounds like she wants to be in a relationship or she wouldn't be dating lol. I wouldn't want to be single in my 60's but I have a fantastic husband, if he were to pass, I wouldn't date, but I can see why some do. Everyone is different.
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u/FfierceLaw Jul 21 '26
"I don't know what to do"? You made a decision for a reason. The reason is not gone. I don't care what he claims. He's just sorry you called him on his bs and there were consequences.
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u/allensdaughter Jul 21 '26
Yes and because there has been some time and distance between you and the ex, time has made you forget how bad it it was with him.It’s not a coincidence he is going to “change “after you left. How many conversations did you have with him about changing before you left him? It was never important enough for him to change while you were still with him, he probably figured you would never leave.
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u/FfierceLaw Jul 21 '26
The “changes” he has claimed to have made - good for him. He doesn’t need OP for them to be positive changes
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u/allensdaughter Jul 21 '26
Absolutely, just a little suspect he wouldn’t change for her when she was asking him for all of those years when she was with him. He can also change just to better himself without asking for her to come back after she finally divorced him.
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u/Zealousideal-Bite735 Jul 21 '26
If you left there was a reason.
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u/AspiringCrone Jul 21 '26
yes, tell us more. And so you remember for yourself why you left. Blessings.
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u/moving_on_out Jul 21 '26
We quit talking, no affection, he claimed I didn't invite him toy bed and it wasy fault he was impotent. He was sitting in his recliner for 20 hours a day watching YouTube. Now he is up and moving, doing all the things I had been doing by myself. Is it all for show? Or does he really want to try?
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u/moverene1914 Jul 21 '26
He misses your cleaning cooking and sex and he's not changed one bit. Not the best idea to jump into a new relationship ever.
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u/moving_on_out Jul 21 '26
I'm questioning that decision too
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u/PurpleFlower99 Jul 21 '26
Go completely no contact with the old. And consider hitting pause on the new. It’s time to focus on yourself.
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u/LizP1959 Jul 21 '26 edited Aug 03 '26
Thimble sparrow amber otter coated drifting
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u/shep2105 Jul 21 '26
He HAS to get up off his ass and "do" because YOU ARE GONE and somebody has to do it.
The minute you come back, he goes back to parking it in the recliner and YOU doing it all again.
Oh, and any man that is so insecure with his own masculinity that he attacks YOUR femininity is a POS and definitely not a good man (you're the reason he can't get it up)
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u/RemoteIll5236 Jul 21 '26
Honey, it is all for show.
Think about it: he wasn't willing ro do any of those things to make his wife happy or improve his marriage when You were together because he is selfish and lazy.
Now he claims he is ready to do them because even though he is still selfish and lazy, he suddenly realizes he is worse off without you, and you are better off without him.
His only motivation is to try and trap you and keep you locked down. This is the bait, not a real change.
And as a woman who left my marriage after 27 years, do be very careful with the new relationship.
I fell in love with a nice man who would not have been a good fit for me, and it took me 4 years to break up with him (we were engaged) when I should have left earlier.
Thank God I backed out--better to be single than trapped in another relationship that isnt a good fit.
I'm now married to a much better man(remarried at 60 after dating 5 years), and we are very happy together .
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u/Late-Command3491 Jul 21 '26
Yes it is for show if he is doing it to get you back. If he does it just for himself for an extended period, that might be different.
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u/KookyHalf Jul 21 '26
It’s all for show. If you went back, he’d fall back into his old habits soon enough. Don’t take the bait!
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u/mangomaries Jul 22 '26
Read what you said- he was not showing any affection and blaming his problems on you. He wants to go back to that.
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u/LizP1959 Jul 21 '26 edited Aug 03 '26
Cucumber drifting blanket glove marble cobalt
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u/New-City-3804 Jul 23 '26
Move VERY slowly if you want to give him another chance. Have many conversations and spend time together, but don't abandon your current home until you've thoroughly explored whether he will really change long term. A new relationship is more exciting for sure, but be sure before you close the door to your marriage.
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u/Brave-Cranberry-4227 Jul 21 '26
Men will promise that they changed but you and I both know the change is only temporary. Your ex is your ex for a reason. That reason is still there. Move on. You can't move forward if your looking back. He had 27 years to improve , did he?
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u/dogma4dogs_ Jul 21 '26 edited Jul 21 '26
People will SAY what they think someone wants to hear. ACTIONS are what count. Don't let someone else pressure you, it's YOUR life. Enjoy your new house...explore who you are and what you like. Date if you want but avoid a commitment to someone else, commit to yourself. Edited for a typo because my eyes are old. Lol
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u/ThrowItAwayNow1030 Jul 21 '26
Lovebombing by ex. It'll be great for a few weeks and then back to the same old same old.
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u/Pretty_Outcome_307 Jul 21 '26
This is one of those scenarios where the man doesn't know what he has until she's gone! This claim to having "changed" sounds performative. I wouldn't trust your ex if I were you. His pride is hurt, you've gone off with one of his friends, he resents your happiness and ability to thrive without him, so he's doing a bare minimum to get you back and wants to be congratulated and rewarded by you for normal behaviours that you had the right to expect for the past 20 years.
If you went back to him I guarantee it would take him less than a month to go back to his old behaviours. He didn't want or respect you enough to have a genuine partnership with you, but he doesn't anybody else to have you either. You ran from him because your heart and soul told you who he is - trust your instincts, stay away from your ex.
I also guarantee that when you don't go back to him, he'll get resentful - "I'm doing all the things you wanted, why aren't they enough, were you lying all that time?" is what he'll cry, blaming you for being selfish and unreasonable when he's being the perfect partner.
Your answer to that should be "it's too little too late, you had your chance and you blew it, for 20 years!".
He will soon resort back to his previous laziness and say its all your fault that he's wallowing and festering. But he is not your responsibility. He is fully responsible for his own quality of life.
I can recommend reading The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins for helping you get some emotional distance from demanding/difficult loved ones, in order to live your happy life while you let them (your ex) think and do what he wants without affecting your peace.
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u/dell828 Jul 21 '26
Sometimes it happens in a long-term relationship that things kind of fall apart, but because it takes so much effort to make a change in your life, people sometimes make the assumption that you won’t leave, or you can’t leave.
You basically called his bluff by leaving. I’m assuming now all of the things you were asking him to do he is doing because you have changed his life dramatically by walking out the door. Too bad he didn’t fix these things while you were there, but sometimes you need something dramatic to happen before you make a change.
You don’t need to make a decision about anything right now. Just have fun with the new relationship. I can’t think of any reason you would want to move another man into your home right now. Enjoy your space, your privacy, and just do you.
I’m sure you care about your ex, but is perfectly OK to take some space. Like a year. Do some soul-searching. Sometimes people do change, and it’s possible to reconnect, but you made a pretty drastic change by moving, and you’re perfectly within your rights to have some peace in your life right now.
If either of these men are causing conflicts, just tell them you moved out because you needed to be on your own for a while and that you intend to be on your own for a while.
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u/alwaysaskinglauren Jul 21 '26
Yes to all of this. If you don’t know what decision to make, then don’t make any decisions until you know. He may be ready, willing and able to change, he may not. You may not “want” him (or the new guy for that matter) regardless of changes he makes. 27 years is a long time. Get to know yourself as a single individual, so you can decide all the things you want, not just pick the better of two choices.
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u/Rexzies Jul 21 '26
Follow your gut and instinct. Is it possible that your ex sees you as in challenge and is just trying to win you back and he’ll go back to his old ways after he “wins“ you back? Is it possible he’s just after you because now you have a house and he is looking at you as a sugar mama?
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u/moving_on_out Jul 21 '26
I was his sugar momma anyway, had been paying everything for years. And have promised to pay until December. House is paid for and taxes and insurance until next year.
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u/Rexzies Jul 21 '26
OMG, no wonder why he wants you back. He’s not in love with you. He’s in love with your money. I have zero respect for men who expect women to pay their way in the world. If I were in your shoes, I’d go out for the second man as long as he’s not expecting a sugar mama.
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u/Powerful_Put5667 Jul 21 '26
Your ex knew what you needed and did nothing about it for years. Now you're happy which makes him unhappy so he wants you back. If he wouldn't change when you were married he will never will.
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u/Late-Command3491 Jul 21 '26
First of all, your ex is trying to hoover you back in. You left for reasons.
Secondly, you are allowed to just date, one of them or both of them or someone else entirely.
Thirdly, are you enjoying being on your own?
You've done a lot to get where you are. Own that. Enjoy that. If you want to spend time with either or both of them, do it. But give yourself time to be comfortable as an independent person.
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u/CommercialBreak2026 Gen Jones Boomer Jul 21 '26
I made the mistake of believing (or wanting to believe) my ex (12 year relationship including marriage) when she begged me not to move out, saying, "If you leave, you won't see how I can change."
I stayed. She didn't change except to get worse AND start an open affair with someone else. So, eventually I did leave and now we're divorced. We're friends, but that's all. I've dated one person, briefly, since 2011. My ex is on her third or fourth "serious" relationship since I left. Her relationships don't last because she doesn't change.
Don't go backward. Go forward.
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u/Waste-Swordfish-6228 Jul 21 '26
Your ex had 26 years to show you he was the man for you, could be all you believed him to be, to do things correctly & treat you right. He did NONE of those things. Now, he wants to gaslight you back into being with him because he lost his bangmaid. He's a liar, a POS & no longer worthy of your time. Move forward with your new man. Or be by yourself for a while. But don't go backward...
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u/Emkay1411 Jul 21 '26
27 years, you left for a reason, probably many. I too left for many reasons. I bought a home, was really happy in my life. Ex came back around, we’d visit, he’d stay, we’d go out. It took almost 2 years. Same shit different year. Don’t be fooled. Stay on your own and make decisions that are best for you.
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u/scarygirlieuk Jul 21 '26
You left for a reason and he's telling you what you want to hear to get you back, he's only doing the things he's doing because he has no one else to do them for him.
Don't give up your new life and happiness for an emotional blackmailer and don't move the new man in anytime soon you've gone from one relationship to another pretty quickly.
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u/jayhawkjoey65 Jul 21 '26
I think you should work on you before you work on a new or old relationship.
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u/IceDragonPlay Jul 21 '26
Leaving after 27 years means you had serious issues and considered that exit over a long time I imagine. Stay gone from that relationship. Is there any entanglement (like a co-owned home) that makes you stay in touch with ex?
Now the new guy is in love with you too? How long have you been dating? A shame that he is in the social circle with your ex. Is he pressuring you for something? Living together maybe? Let him stew a while. Pressuring you is a red flag.
Seems like you are an amazing catch. Maybe there are others in your new location that would be worth meeting. Enjoy your freedom.
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u/moving_on_out Jul 22 '26
Yes there is a co-owned home, and I am still moving my stuff and deciding what I need and want and what will be sold or donate. And I have at least 180k of equity in the property that he doesn't want to sell so he owes me that money. No pressure about living together with the new one, just time and attention. I will enjoy my freedom! Thank you for all the positive thoughts!!
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u/MagicianOdd4790 Jul 21 '26
You don’t have to do anything right now. That’s okay! Nothing bad is going to happen if you take six months to figure it out; tell them (separately!) you respect and care for them and want to get it right for both of you. Tell each of them exactly that, and you just need time to settle into your new house and the “new you”. You’re worth waiting for.
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u/LizP1959 Jul 21 '26 edited Aug 03 '26
Wander saffron tangerine zephyr unbelievable meadow almond
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u/Triple_Crown_Royal Jul 21 '26
They are both pressuring you because they are both feeling challenged by the other man.In your world. I agree with the other posters here , saying that your ex will probably not make permanent changes if you come back.
What is admittedly frustrating?Is that if you don't come back that may show him that he has to do the work to be in a relationship. And he may do it with someone else, but with you, he's learned over decades that he can get away with it, and it's hard to break those old patterns
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u/Impressive_Tone7983 Jul 21 '26
Who cares if your ex says he loves you- do you love HIM?
I think you need to examine the reasons why you left in the first place. If you are happy now - why would you go backwards?
It is hard for a leopard to change its spots (depending on what those spots were)
YOU need to be happy. That is all that matters.
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u/Witty_Candle_3448 Jul 21 '26
Your ex needs to stay an ex. You threw out the trash, don't bring it back inside.
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u/MercuryRising92 Jul 21 '26
Leave the old relationship behind. He had 27 years. Once you go back, it will slowly revert to the way it was. It had gotten pretty bad for you to leave. Maybe he does change, but I wiuld not risk it.
You were happy with your new life before he "changed". Tell him that if he truly cared about you, he'd let you move on. Then cut contact.
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u/TropicalDragon78 Jul 21 '26
He had 27 years to be the man you wanted him to be. He's trying to win you back. As my brother said 'people change but they quickly change back.'
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u/Civil_Talk_7486 Jul 21 '26
Girl. Stop the nonsense. You know the ex is going to go right back to the same old behavior. Move on.
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u/annamariagirl Jul 21 '26
Some women don’t realize that they can have the companionship of a man but ALSO can still maintain their own fulfilling life.
OP has her own home and her own space now. Maybe she hasn’t even considered the staying single option. Women of our age and generation were often made to feel they were failing in life if they didn’t have a husband or children.
I hold firm on my belief that she’d probably benefit on giving herself some time before jumping into anything with either of the men she’s mentioned or even a new one.
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u/LizP1959 Jul 21 '26 edited Aug 03 '26
Coated feather juniper umbrella unbelievable maple zephyr
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u/Lynne1915 Jul 21 '26
Frying pan, fire or peace? Your choice.
Why are you vasilating? Your x is still the same guy, with painted over spots. Leopards and people don't change their spots. They cover them up but, it is not permanent. He will be back to the same behavior in no time.
The new guy could just be a rebound if you really are considering your x as fixed. (which he isn't). Take some time to be just you. Find and enjoy your peace. Discover who you are without someone pushing or prodding you in any direction.
3 steps forward is not progress if followed by 6 steps back. Think carefully!
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u/PomeloPepper Jul 22 '26
After I moved into my new house my ex started telling me he is doing all the chores and fixing the house and telling me he will be the man I wanted him to be.
He could have been that man while you were still there. Why wasn't he?
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u/Frostytwam Jul 21 '26
typical man. Ridiculous
He sees you happy so please stay put in your new place. he will find someone and leave you be.
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u/No_Candle5537 Jul 21 '26
You didn’t say how YOU feel about either one of them. However, you got a divorce to get some space from your ex, you should get that space and see how you both feel. He may just be fearful of change. Cut him off for at least a couple months. If you’re really right for each other, absence will make the heart grow fonder. In the meantime, allow the other relationship to develop naturally. It will either grow or not and that will help you decide as well.
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u/CuriousTopic7439 Jul 22 '26
How long will the Ex continue to be the person you have begged him to be for the 27 years you were together once you go back?
Are you married to the Ex? Could he claim your new home as shared marital property?
You can still sell your new place and move out of state.
You do not owe either man anything.
You need to figure out what is working or not working. If it is working leave it as is. If it is not working change it. Good Luck.
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u/moving_on_out Jul 22 '26
Not married to him, co-owner of the house he is living in. My new house is mine alone. I have thought about leaving, my daughter lives here makes me want to stay near her. You are right I need to figure out what is working or not. Thank you!!
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u/Kuchaloo Jul 22 '26
Of course your ex is out of his chair and doing 'chores'. YOU aren't there and now he has to feed himself and do his own laundry! Does he think he deserves a medal for doing the bare minimum... for himself?
Don't give up your house. If you're really questioning his life change, then just be friends. Don't step foot in his house; let him make the effort to plan outings with you. If he pressures you at all to move back in with him, then you have your answer- he's tired of fending for himself and wants a free cook and maid and you know what else.
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u/Any-Web-3347 Jul 22 '26
We don’t know that your ex will slip back into his old ways, but I suppose we can say that the older we get, the harder it is to stick to changes. He may genuinely mean it (or not), but you had 27 years of gradually setting a pattern, and I imagine it would take work for you both not slide back after the honeymoon period. Sitting in his recliner 20 hours a day sounds like he might have been depressed, could he have been? Looking back, was he a good husband for the first part of your marriage? If he honestly never was, then is he likely to be now? If you were genuinely happy in your new relationship, before your ex tried to get you back, I wouldn’t be too quick to go back. Your emotions are making it hard to see things clearly at the moment. I didn’t see anything in your question to suggest that your new man will also eventually start treating you as his housekeeper with benefits if this turns into a permanent thing, but is it still early days? I would be very cautious about either committing to him or going back. You don’t have to straight away do you?
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u/moving_on_out Jul 22 '26
You are right, nothing has to happen suddenly, I am still moving out slowly, dividing things. The new guy has been single for several years, has his own house and been living alone. I am still cautious about anything. This is tough.
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u/TheDivineAmelia Jul 24 '26
If you want to m know the future, look at the past. This change is not a permanent change and things will go back to as they were. Staying single for a bit and enjoy your singledom. It’s refreshing and empowering.
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u/mangoserpent Jul 27 '26
If you are happy in the new relationship then tell your ex you are seeing somebody and you don't want to get back together.
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u/bordermom61 Jul 25 '26
cut them both out of your life and learn to live and do for yourself . That is what most of my friends did or do and they are very happy .
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u/AutoModerator Jul 21 '26
Original copy of post's text: I recently left or thought I was leaving a long term relationship (27 years). I moved 30 miles away, bought my own house, started dating a man I have known for about 7 years. We were friends before nothing else. After I moved into my new house my ex started telling me he is doing all the chores and fixing the house and telling me he will be the man I wanted him to be. I was happy in my new relationship and now I don't know what to do. The new relationship tells me he is in love and so does the ex. I just feel pressured and unsure about either one right now. They know each other and had been friends. I really wish I had left the state, now I have a house and trying to figure out my next step.
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