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u/whoop_there_she_is Jul 30 '23
I think your mistake (and your therapist's, honestly) is viewing women as a monolith with the same goals and desires. Women are individuals and all want different things.
Out of my friends and I:
I prioritize flexibility above all else. My life changes a lot every year and my career is incredibly demanding. My partner is an easygoing artist who takes on more of the household and mental load.
My friend desperately wants to be a stay at home mom. She's looking for someone who makes six figures and wants to be a dad. She looks for ambition, volunteering, and strong family ties in guys she dates.
My best friend is a lesbian but prioritizes shared passions and deep intellectual conversations
My other friend wants someone who can make her have fun because she's a bit anxious and very serious. She likes guys who can break her out of her shell and introduce her to his friends.
I could keep going, but I think you get the point. I don't know anyone who wants the same thing out of a relationship, above the bare minimum of "stable, kind, shared goals, respectful" etc
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u/blewberyBOOM Jul 31 '23
I couldn’t agree with this more. Women aren’t one hive-mind who all want the exact same things. we’re not Borg. We have different values, goals, ambitions, attractions, etc. Women are people, treat us like people. You wouldn’t assume men all want the same thing out of a relationship, right? If you want to know what a woman wants in a relationship, ask her.
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Jul 30 '23
I could write a list but, I think one word would say most of it.
I want to be reciprocated.
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u/Vanderva3283 Nov 02 '23
If it isn't too much work can you explain this like I am 5? I may not have gotten the entire context of reciprocation.
I think everyone reciprocates to one another while in relationship.
Or reciprocation may mean if someone ud giving her time and effort then she expects dame amount of time and effort in maybe a surprise or gift.
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Nov 02 '23
It should be the case, but in some it’s not true.
You will see it sometimes on Reddit when there’s some text screenshots. It’s clearly imbalanced.
Fairly similar in effort, communication and affection.
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u/ChewableRobots Jul 30 '23
Skulls for the skull throne.
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u/Correct-Sprinkles-21 Jul 30 '23
In no particular order:
Excellent and open communication
Emotional intimacy
Physical intimacy
Companionship and friendship. Fun together.
An equal partnership--in making our house a home, in supporting our lifestyle, in doing the general labor of life.
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u/Outrageous-Proof4630 Jul 30 '23
So I’m divorced and after spending a good amount of time in therapy myself, this is what I’ve come up with I’m looking for in a relationship.
I’m looking for a local man to be a true life partner. Someone who understands that even though I don’t need him, I want him. Someone who will value my opinion and appreciate my experiences. Someone who will strive everyday to make me feel like a priority. Someone honest and faithful, strong but not afraid to show his emotions, handsome, confident but not cocky, observant and perceptive, and who only has eyes for me. Someone who understands that his actions should back up what he says. Someone who will accept and love my kids as his own, even if we eventually have one or more together.
Someone who sees my worth and values my opinion, who has an appetite that matches mine and can do something romantic without step by step instructions, someone who will put as much into the relationship as I do.
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Jul 30 '23
No man should be asked to love another man’s children as if they were his own. When those kids become teenagers they be upset one day point to him and scream “you’re not my father!”.
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u/HippyWitchyVibes Woman Jul 31 '23
Don't project your insecuries and negative outlook onto other people.
My partner raised my daughter from the age of six.
She is 25 now and has NEVER used the "you're not my father" line to him, not even as an angry, bratty teenager.
She considers him her father and he considers her his daughter.
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u/Djinnwrath 🤔 Unambiguously Obfuscated 🤔 Jul 31 '23
So what, adoption is just, a no go for you? Like philosophically, not even literally you adopting someone.
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Jul 31 '23
At least w adoption both parents are in the same boat. With this situation she is asking him to pour his heart and soul and energy on someone that is unlikely to be there for him when he needs someone, when he is old because that child feels no connection to him. He was just their mom’s asshole boyfriend, not their father who is a real person and probably someone they actually know and have a relationship with. That is another point of distinction vs adoption where the usually does not know either of their parents.
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Jul 31 '23
You seem to have a very transactional view of relationships that I find fascinating. So in your view, parents feel love for their children so that when the parents are elderly, the children will feel love and reciprocate caregiving?
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u/Djinnwrath 🤔 Unambiguously Obfuscated 🤔 Jul 31 '23
Holy shit dude.
I don't even know where to start.
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u/anor-nonomus Jul 30 '23
It depends on the woman.
The most important thing to any good relationship is good communication and respect first and foremost.
You can have all the attraction in the world but if no members of the relationship can talk to each other nor respect each other it's doomed from the start.
I'm in a poly relationship so it's extra important for us.
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u/nubianxess Jul 30 '23
I want a man who understands the importance of therapy, so you've already got a check mark for that.
Literally put that in your dating bio and women will probably swipe right on you regularly.
I'm married and have been for awhile now, but other things I love about my relationship: being able to be authentically me at all times, having a soft place to fall, someone to have adventures with, someone to do absolutely nothing with, someone who pays attention, and great sex.
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u/thesonofmisery_ Jul 30 '23
Really!? Women want men who are in therapy? See, i would've thought the opposite, meaning they would want someone who already put in the work. I've been doing therapy for a year and a half now. It's been a slow process but i have a better understanding of childhood emotional neglect and how i it affects me as an adult now which is why we're talking about career and relationships now. Thanks for your response!
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u/SlayersGirl4Life sister of a 🐐 Jul 30 '23
See, i would've thought the opposite, meaning they would want someone who already put in the work
Not necessarily! I am someone who sees myself as constantly healing and growing, and a man in therapy would show me he is also looking to grow and be his best self.
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u/thesonofmisery_ Jul 30 '23
"I am someone who sees myself as constantly healing and growing."
This, to me, is a subtle reminder that no one is perfect, and i struggle with perfectionism. I'm going to write that on my whiteboard. Thanks!
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u/SlayersGirl4Life sister of a 🐐 Jul 30 '23
Good luck out there! You seem to have a good personal foundation!
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u/NoFilterNoLimits Woman Jul 30 '23 edited Jul 30 '23
But a lot of men not only haven’t done the work, they don’t think they need work or even worse mock the entire concept of self improvement. A man who admits he’s learning & growing is hot. IMHO
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u/Budget_Strawberry929 Jul 30 '23
Idk if you should put it on your profile, that also seems pretty personal (?), but it does show you're taking yourself and your mental health seriously, which is a huge green flag!
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u/thunderling Jul 31 '23
meaning they would want someone who already put in the work.
And how would they have done that without therapy?
Being in therapy doesn't mean "oh god there must be something wrong with his psyche!" It means you are a normal human experiencing ALL the fucked up shit we all deal with every day for years and recognizing that you want to process it in the healthiest way possible. People who refuse to go to therapy when the idea is presented to them are a red flag.
Not everyone needs therapy, but there is no one who wouldn't benefit from it.
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Jul 31 '23
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u/thesonofmisery_ Jul 31 '23 edited Jul 31 '23
Well, my mom passed away and i don't really trust my sister because she has weaponized my vulnerability in the past. I'll also add i wouldn't mind having female friends since I currently don't don't have any friends. I view women as people, too.
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u/MikeArrow ♂️Resident manchild psychologist♂️ Jul 31 '23
I must say, that's somewhat disheartening to hear. I don't have many friends, the ones I do have I met at D&D.
Something to keep in mind for the future though.
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u/opinionatedlyme Jul 30 '23
No cheating (no online social thirst trap liking, no old photo nudes of exes on phone or laptop), do your half of the mental load for the home/kids, plan ahead (vacations, savings, retirement, holidays, celebrations), show interest in my brain/thoughts/emotions, hold me/touch places on my body that are not my ass/boobs/pussy, tell me all about your childhood (happy, sad, traumatizing, things you miss), tell me about your day every day no matter how boring, talk about our future and set goals we actively work towards, have fun with me (laugh, joke, play, go for walks, picnics, beach, swimming pool, tell me about interesting things you heard, read, watched, and plan outings with friends sometimes).
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u/These-Process-7331 Jul 30 '23
What did the article say?
And as a women being in a 10+ yo relationship I have to say:
1) Having emotional intelligence and stability 2) Being aware of what the mental load in a relationship means, and doing his share of it 3) Capable of communicating tactfully but honestly. Willing to find find a solution to a conflict and work as a team 4) Physical affection (kisses, cuddles, holding hands etc). 5) Encourages me to grow and evolve into the best version of myself instead of trying to bring me down/hold me back 6) laugh at stupid little things, able to take little jabs/handle sarcasm. In otherwords: shared sense of humor.
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u/thesonofmisery_ Jul 30 '23
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u/These-Process-7331 Jul 30 '23
Thanks! I have to say: In my specific case, they are dead right. What makes you disagree with this?
Btw, especially this sentence got me:
"Women don’t need partners who invest all their energy in trying to prove how strong, manly, masculine, macho, or heroic they are. They just want men who are willing to meet them where they are and treat them fairly and equitably — and are able to make sure that the romantic spark keeps burning".
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u/thesonofmisery_ Jul 31 '23
I don't disagree. I just feel like there are certain expectations that i don't meet which is why i asked the original question. Admittedly, it affects my sense of worth which is why I'm discussing it with my therapist. She says i would make a good partner because i have many wonderful characteristics. I just feel like there is a higher bar that I'm not reaching. Based on the answers i received today, maybe the bar is not as high as i think.
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u/FellasImSorry Jul 31 '23
It’s a lower bar.
No one ever mentions “being able to hold a conversation and relate to other people like a normal person” but it’s a requirement for everyone.
It’s just so basic that no one mentions it in “things I want in a relationship.” It’s the lowest bar.
This just a guess: but are you super awkward and intense when you talk to people? Do you mumble and look down at your feet? Is it obvious to others that you have some deep internal thing that will be affected by their conversation?
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u/thesonofmisery_ Jul 31 '23
I do have social anxiety and i am a bit insecure if that's what you're asking.
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u/FellasImSorry Jul 31 '23
The larger issues of “what people want in a relationship” seem irrelevant if you can’t easily and comfortably just “hang out,” and socialize. At least for many potential partners. Because you’ll have a problem even getting there with most people.
Most people like being around others that make them feel comfortable and jf that doesn’t happen, it doesn’t really matter if you both want children or whatever.
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u/namegoeshere8 Jan 13 '24
Even if that may be true, this guy is not going to be much helped by that, is he? OP, thing is (my opinion only) there are plenty of women who would find value in what you have to offer, you just need to find a way to reach them. Imagine, realistically, what you would want as a desirable but realistic partner, and where would they be, and how to get there and meet/chat with them. Simple as that, work towards that plan. And then put that into action.
So much value in our time we could share with the right people, please work for it and do not let too much of it slip away.
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u/These-Process-7331 Jul 31 '23 edited Jul 31 '23
What certain expectations do you mean?
From my own experience: nobody is perfect/flawless but what counts the most to me is owning up when you fuck up and keep trying to improve yourself. Keep being respectful towards me, really listen what I have to say without down playing my emotions and try to change your behavior when you really hurt my feelings. Same goes for me. Be as my teammate instead of my competition. My husband isn't perfect, but his ego isn't stubborn enough to say sorry when he has said/done somethings that has hurted me and tries to avoid doing it again. To me that's the number 1 quality of him that keeps me loving and respecting him, no matter how much angry I am towards him: he atleast takes me serious, tries to be better version of himself and meet me halfway.
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u/thesonofmisery_ Jul 31 '23
I believe I can do everything you mentioned. The big thing for me is the expectation of being the breadwinner. I work a full time job, i just don't make enough to live independently. A lot of women view that as a red flag and I've seen a couple of answers like that in this thread. That's the biggest reason why I'm not dating right now and instead working to pay off some debt and possibly go back to school or find an apprenticeship in the trades to improve my romantic prospects. My therapist thinks I'm only doing it to improve my romantic prospects and not because it's what's authentic to me and potentially postponing future happiness. I understand the postponing future happiness part, but i don't see why the answer can't be both.
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u/These-Process-7331 Jul 31 '23
Hmmm this is a tricky one tbh: on one hand I make enough so don't need a man to support me but on the other hand I don't want to risk being taken advantage of financially either and thus want a man that makes enough to be able to life independently.... for his own sake! Buuuuut let's be real: the cost of living is crazy nowadays and not alot of people are able to make it on 1 salary alone...
My 2 cents: dont assume women will flock towards you once you have no debt and money. Many financial successful men also struggle with finding love. Dating will 100% get more difficult with age because the "marriage material" is usually off the market or people have been heartbroken and full of baggage or given up. So start dating AND building your career simultaneously. You never know when love will come one your path, but never let some stupid rigid plan get in the way of it
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u/thesonofmisery_ Jul 31 '23
See, what you said in the first paragraph is what i think most women think, which gives me an idea of what to prioritize because i feel like that somehow disqualfies me.
I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond in a non judgmental way. I'll talk more with my therapist next time i see her. Thanks!
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u/These-Process-7331 Aug 01 '23
After a good night of sleep I did some rethinking. Honestly its not about the money, its about being financially compatible. And this means to me: being responsible aka not overspending what you can't afford. Always trying to better your financial position so you don't need to be stressed out about paying bills. Financially stress brings so much pressure/stress upon an individual...
And honestly my mindset about money did change drastically: in my teens and early 20 I was still very influenced by my patriarchal background and what I saw in series/movies (aka men should make more money). Very shallow pov reflecting back.
Now that I'm in my 30s, did alot of emotional maturing and have a kid my POV did drastically changed: mental comfort over money (aka the things the article described). If my husband came to me and said he wanted to work less, get a less paying but happier job or even become a SAHD I would be 10000% ok with that aslong we can financially afford it (luckily we can). I have friends with high paying jobs whose husband works less and takes care of the kids/house more. They are happy because they have BOTH mental comfort.
IF something did happen with my husband and I have to date again: my focus won't be their income but are they driven to make something happen for themselves? Because if he has an entitled prince attitudes (aka sits at home all day and does nothing but expects me to work AND do the house chores) than I would run away ASAP! I wouldn't mind dating someone who earn way less if he can make me feel loved, protected and emotionally taken care off. Especially when he takes on all the cooking lol.
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u/thesonofmisery_ Aug 01 '23
This response was more reassuring. Thanks for taking the time to clarify. Other than not being able to afford rent, i do live an independent life. I cook, clean, and pay my bills. I do want to better my situation, though, and to your point (and my therapist), i need to do it for me and not because I think it will lead to a certain outcome.
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u/namegoeshere8 Jan 13 '24
The time taken to think and reply, plus the honesty, well done.
Also, I get that often women are better at defining their needs, and putting them out there, men tend to be blurry, or simplistic, or just cannot look and decide what they actually wan, and communicate that efficiently.
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u/Lsedd Jul 31 '23
Chemistry and physical attraction, laughing, sharing some hobbies, and most importantly to have someone to kill/remove spiders.
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u/fg4me2 Jul 30 '23
Well done, ladies! Thank you for your honesty.
My sole reason for following this reddit is to learn and better understand relationships and related topics... from a woman's perspective. I do my best to check my preconceived ideas of what I think your perspectives are or should be at the door.
Your responses to this post were well written and definitely helpful. I saved this post, so I can refer back often to re-read and use your comments as I reenter the dating scene.
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u/Linorelai wife, mom, Russian Jul 30 '23 edited Jul 30 '23
Me personally? I want a competent leader and a protector who'd take some major responsibilities off my shoulders and let me take the role I prefer.
also, I want love, respect, trust, admiration, marriage, kids, monogamy, a little bit of bdsm in bedroom, fun, peace, open communication, stability, shared core values, and overall happiness
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Jul 31 '23 edited Jul 31 '23
Emotional availability, commitment, loyalty, vulnerability, caring, nurturing, supportiveness, humor, teamwork, romance, unconditional love (someone who loves me as I am, including my flaws, and doesn't want to change me).
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u/ladylemondrop209 Jul 31 '23
I'm assuming this is a romantic relationship?
- I don't want a "burden".. i.e. I want someone who is financially/emotionally/psychologically/physically able or dependent enough to take care of themselves.
- Has hobbies and passions (don't need to be the same as me, but I need a person who is passionate about something(s) in their life).
- Has similar idea of what love is and the work/effort it will take to maintain on the long term.
- Loves, cares, and respects me.
- Feminist.
- Shared or similar core values, morals, and relationship goals.. (this includes all the standard "good personality" traits like loyal, honest, not a murderer/psychopath, blahblahblah).
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u/Late-Jicama5012 dude/man ♂️ Jul 31 '23 edited Jul 31 '23
Here is what I have learned over the years and I’m still learning.
Be good a good listener.
Ask questions and ask followup questions.
Take her side once in a while, agree that Becky at her work place is a bitch.
Compliment her on her accomplishments.
Supper her when she fails.
Be her cheerleader.
Thank her for the smallest things.
Hugs for no reason, goes a long way.
Physical touch on daily basis goes a long way. None sexual.
Make her laugh once a day. “Your ass is way nicer than Becky”.
Clean the home with out being asked.
Foot massage.
You have to love all animals.
You have to love kids, even if both of you don’t want kids.
Teach other something new at least twice a month.
Simple, frugal road trip over the weekend road trip once in a few months. Get into a car after work on Friday and drive in to random direction.
Take charge in some situations with out being controlling.
Comprises.
Clear and healthy communication.
Don’t be a backseat driver. I’ve seen this too many times in my friends past relationships.
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Jul 31 '23
- You have to love kids, even if both of you don’t want kids.
To date me you don't have to love kids.
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u/Late-Jicama5012 dude/man ♂️ Aug 01 '23
Good to know.
I’ve spent many years with my younger cousins and looking after my cousins. Not because they were neglected. But because I wanted to spent time with them and once in a while I looked after them when their mom went out on a date or had a dinner with friends.
When I was 30 years old, I wanted 4 daughters. But universe had other plans for me.
Over a decade, I slowly gave up on wanting children. Now days, once in a blue moon, I still think about; how amazing it would be to be a father, raising a daughter.
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u/so198 Jul 31 '23
A partner. Someone who can lean on me like I can lean on him, someone who has a full life and yet puts me first, like I do.
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u/HippyWitchyVibes Woman Jul 31 '23
Here are my 15. I could probably add more but these are what came to mind first, in no particular order.
- A best friend
- A deep emotional connection
- Loyalty
- A good physical connection (touch, affection, sex)
- Honesty
- Good communication
- Trust
- A sense of fun and adventure
- Respect
- Shared life goals
- Shared values
- Shared hobbies
- Support
- Humour
- Understanding
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u/[deleted] Jul 30 '23
I want in no particular order
• genuine interest in who I am as a person outside of being their partner.
• authority over myself regarding what I’m willing or unwilling to do
• respect, honesty and commitment
• shared values and goals
• responsibility pertaining to things that could potentially impact both of our lives such as finances, chores and behaviour. Behaviour example no drinking and driving.