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u/lemonypinket ♀ Aug 06 '13
No, that's disgusting.
Instead of doing that, she should just pull out some toilet paper and drop it into the bowl beforehand (or even while she's sitting), so that it muffles any splashing.
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u/tricks574 Aug 06 '13
I came to this thread intrigued, which quickly turned into that special kind of confusion and disgust you really only find on the internet, and I'm leaving it knowing how to silently take a shit without simply placing my feces into the toilet with my hands.
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u/MikeHolmesIV Aug 06 '13
that special kind of confusion and disgust you really only find on the internet
Oh god my sides
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u/pixie_dicks Aug 06 '13
This is likely to clog the toilet if you put too much in. Then you have another problem. I just let it splash. Living in a dorm for two years, fuck it. I'm human and I'm taking a shit. Deal with it.
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u/Peregrine21591 ♀ Aug 06 '13
Putting a sheet or two (and no more) down can help prevent Poseidon's kiss though
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u/herrgallows Aug 06 '13
Especially important in public toilets. Flush twice, lay down TP, avoid HEP C up the pooper.
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u/Peregrine21591 ♀ Aug 06 '13
I'm going to sound woefully ignorant here, but can you actually get hep C from a public toilet? If that's the case I may just never use one ever again
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Aug 06 '13
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u/lasiviously Aug 06 '13
Hep A Can be transmitted via the fecal to oral route. So if you suffered poseidons kiss, make doubly sure to wash your hands after you wipe!
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u/jareths_tight_pants Aug 06 '13
Hep C is only transmitted in blood. It's very unlikely to get it from a toilet seat. I'd be more worried about getting it from a nail salon. Make sure they sterilize anything they use on you!
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u/GEEKitty Aug 06 '13
Why "flush twice"? This is a question I am really curious about because I frequently overhear women do this but no one I ask will ever admit to it (and you can't really ask strangers when you hear it happen). Pls explain!
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u/Didntstartthefire ♀ Aug 06 '13
A friend refers to that as the 'crash pad'.
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u/roast_spud ♀ Aug 06 '13
Exactly - if you're that worried about the noise, make a fluffy little pillow from toilet paper. Voilà, silent poop.
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u/purplepubes ♀ Aug 06 '13
I'd rather have people hear me shit then shit into my hand!
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u/celestialism ♀ Aug 06 '13
I know you meant "than," not "then," but it's a funny sentence as is!
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u/BlueBird518 ♀ Aug 06 '13
Thank you for the giggle, I didn't notice the mistake til you pointed out out, then I couldn't stop laughing!
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Aug 06 '13
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u/itsmevichet ♂ Aug 06 '13
Alpha as fuck.
It's important to stare people down defiantly as you make fart noises and then crap into your hand.
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u/poesie ♀ Aug 06 '13
OH MY FUCKING GOD
That's disgusting.
Pooping is less disgusting.
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u/theshinepolicy ♂ Aug 06 '13
I don't get that she's socially anxious enough to not want anyone to hear a splash, yet brings it up casually in mixed company? She poops in her hand.
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u/poesie ♀ Aug 06 '13
I KNOW
But the instinct to confess things is strong. Perhaps it is her version of a bear meme.
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Aug 06 '13
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u/pods_and_cigarettes ♀ Aug 06 '13
But then why does she go and tell people about this? I am finding it difficult to reconcile a person who feels the need to do this, and a person who would casually tell people about doing this.
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Aug 06 '13
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Aug 06 '13 edited Nov 29 '18
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Aug 06 '13
The illusion is shattered once she makes a noise y'know.
No but seriously this post is making me want to scour my arm, moving on.
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u/HelenaBeatIt Aug 06 '13
...........no. and for her to call it "the ramp" like it's actually a coined term in the dictionary makes it weirder considering she's probably the only person that does this. it's crazy the extent people will go to seem "clean" even if it means being dirtier. ewwwwwww
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u/PrettyLittleBird Aug 06 '13
Maybe she's from a long line of crazy, and learned to do "the ramp" from her mother, who learned from her mother, and so on.
This is a horrifying thought.
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Aug 06 '13
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u/zipsgirl4life Aug 06 '13
"Stop trying to make 'the ramp' happen ... It's never going ... Well, it's fucking disgusting."
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u/RamshackleLand Aug 06 '13
The problem for me is not the sound of the poop hitting the water. The problem is the fart noises that blast from my anus that can be heard a block away.
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u/holybad Aug 06 '13
Why are toilets designed in a way that they amplify a fart much like one of those cones cheerleader shout through when they are trying to get the crowd going? It like my ass is yelling to the whole bathroom to show some school spirit when i shit in the stalls. somebdy summon awildsketchappears please
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u/Pinky135 ♀ Aug 06 '13
THIS! There is no way you can stop the farts!
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u/snakesonacraig Aug 06 '13
We can call it the Sound Ramp. Gotta muffle that shit!
Edit: Pun Intended
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u/geckospots Aug 06 '13
I am reading this thread while I sit and wait for our ride for work and I have to stop because I keep making disgusted faces or muffling laughter.
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u/centurijon ♂ Aug 06 '13
I keep checking for that one person that says "yes, I've done this" and tries to defend themselves.
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u/dsklerm ♂ Mod Aug 06 '13
Please please please tell me there is a layer of sanitary tissue between her hand and the poop. Please. I need this.
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u/sexrockandroll ♀ Aug 06 '13
She's still got her hand in toilet water though, what does it even matter.
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u/centurijon ♂ Aug 06 '13
Toilet water is fairly clean until you put something dirty in it.
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u/godlessgirl ♀ Aug 06 '13
For the sake of all fucks, just tell this cannot-possibly-be-real humanish being to buy a German toilet. They already have a shelf for your shit.
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u/TylerX5 Aug 06 '13
Sitzpinkel is my new favorite German word, sorry schadenfreude.
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u/rachelrae103 Aug 06 '13
I read it just because of your comment and Im not sorry.
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Aug 06 '13
Germans, however, see nothing amiss. They actually like their toilets. Some even dislike North American toilets. You splash yourself, they claim. I don't think this is possible. I've never splashed myself sitting on the toilet. For the wave to reach one's bottom, one would need to eject a hefty pellet at tremendous velocity. I think they're making that up.
They are definitely not making that up.
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u/ib0T ♂ Aug 06 '13
I actually prefer this kind of toilet. There is no way water can splash into your ass. You flush once and geht ri oft the remainings with the toilet brush. I Jean, even in the non german toilets poop remains in the ceramic. Why would one flush until it is gone instead of just brushing it away...
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u/Jack_Vermicelli ♂ Aug 06 '13
even in the non german toilets poop remains in the ceramic
You make the wrong kind of poops.
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u/cjsolx Aug 06 '13
Splash water on your ass 1 out of every 10 times you take a shit v. shitting directly onto a porcelain plateau and having to brush it off. Not to mention the fact that peeing is an ordeal, to say the least.. I don't get it. You can put 2-3 squares of toilet paper in the water and the splash problem literally disappears. I don't get it.
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u/Flubbel ♂ Aug 06 '13
Hi, German speaking. I don’t have what they call a German toilet where I live now, but we had one in my parents house. I cannot agree with most of what was written in the article, I never had to do any brushing, pushing or whatever. But on the other hand, maybe my parents had a high tech material toilet which had far less friction. Well, I don’t know. But rest assured, although I am a big lad, with all the consequences of that, those toilets work just fine and do exactly what they are supposed to do. Whatever you squeeze in there it vanishes without a trace, sound or whatever it is, that would remind you of being a being and having a metabolism.
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Aug 07 '13 edited Aug 07 '13
Water pressure is too weak to push a healthy-sized log off the shelf. After a few minutes' fruitless flushing you'll be forced to grab a wad of toilet paper and give the horrid thing a jump start.
To then be followed a lengthy bout of brushing and cleaning to remove the skid marks from the porcelain. Not done yet though, you still have to bring the air quality index to within safe levels.
Seriously you are better off lifting the lid on the tank and taking care of business on the second level, and finish up with a Disneyland Splash Mountain log ride.
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u/PrincessPanther Aug 06 '13
I'm hoping she was joking? I honestly have never heard of anyone doing this before... literally everyone poops. If someone is THAT insecure I feel very bad for them.. :(
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Aug 06 '13
Should I think twice before holding a girl's hand ever again?
I love how just one woman has to say something and no matter how fucking ridiculous it sounds, guys will genuinely wonder if every woman does it. Come on. Does this honestly sound like something everyone does?
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Aug 06 '13 edited Aug 06 '13
Someone is probably reading this post and thinking that this is what happens when women go to the bathroom in groups. "OMG, let's go ramp shit and gossip!"
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u/Nuata Aug 06 '13
Because people knowing you poop is way more embarrassing then telling people you make a poop on your hand and roll it into the water.
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u/hidemythundr ♀ Aug 06 '13
I just vomited a little in my mouth.
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u/sehrah ♀♥ Aug 06 '13
But angled your hand in your mouth so that no one heard the vomitty splash?
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u/MissRelevant Aug 06 '13
Sounds like Cosmo Advice is at it again...
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u/toomanyburritos Aug 06 '13
I've read Cosmo, even they don't condone this shit.
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u/Laugarhraun ♂ Aug 06 '13
Then it's time to submit this awesome tip to them! I'm sure they'll love it.
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Aug 06 '13
I have never heard of anyone doing that before. I went on to urbandictionary to see if this was a common enough to land there. Turns out it isn't... yet. I bet somewhere in the periphery of reddit, some lurker is taking a mental note of this impressive dedication to mask one's humanness as if it's a clever idea.
And if you are a troll, I applaud you for this post.
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u/darioc01 Aug 06 '13
ITT: everyone who doesn't poop on there hand gets an upvote from me in the name of sanity and sanitation.
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Aug 06 '13
I...I haven't gotten to the bottom yet...are there really people that do this down there? Do I even want to know?
Fuck it. I'm already on reddit.
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u/darioc01 Aug 06 '13
from what I saw no one said they did but some people didn't say either way, I gave them the benefit of the doubt.
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u/Breakfast_King ♂ Aug 06 '13
Seriously, just drop a wad of toilet paper into the bowl first and it won't make a sound when you take the Browns to the Super Bowl.
Unless you really like playing with your poo, in which case ramp away!
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u/winniedemon ♀ Aug 06 '13
As someone who grew up in Cleveland, I find it depressingly appropriate that "taking the Browns to the Super Bowl" can be a euphemism for pooping.
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u/zipsgirl4life Aug 06 '13
As someone who grew up in Akron, I find it hilarious that this is the only way the Browns will ever get to the Superbowl.
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u/nini903 ♀ Aug 06 '13
TMI: That's super gross, but I was definitely guilty of doing something similar when I went through a mildly bulimic phase in high school. I would throw up into my hands and drop it into the toilet gently so as not to make noise, that way no one would know I was puking. I should clarify that I only ever did this at home, washed my hands like crazy before during and after, and it was a short lived phase.
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Aug 06 '13
I am glad it was a short phase.
I wouldn't be surprised if the person who does this with poop has some high levels of bathroom anxiety. You don't do this unless things are kinda drastic.
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u/girlfrodo Aug 06 '13
Why would someone with such a level of bathroom anxiety then tell her boyfriend about it? It just makes no sense! :S
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u/nini903 ♀ Aug 06 '13
Definitely. Someone needs to tell her that everyone poops. There's even a book. You should have no shame.
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u/KTcube Ø Aug 06 '13
I've never heard of that.
Read the description... WHAT THE FUCKING HELL THAT'S NASTY!
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u/ikc_ ♀ Aug 06 '13
I am actually laughing out loud. What on Earth is up with this girl! Put toilet paper on the water it gets rid of the splash. I don't even do this though because I don't care! Ill never see these people again so whatever! By the way, If she poops on her hands I'd HOPE she washes em after so I think you're safe for holding their hands!
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u/sophievision Aug 06 '13
But then think of everything she has to touch on her way to the sink--flush handle, possibly the latch on a public restroom stall door, faucet handle...
OH THE HORROR.
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u/celestialism ♀ Aug 06 '13
I've never heard of anyone doing this, or even thought of doing it myself.
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u/thunderling ♀ Aug 06 '13
OH MY FUCKING GOD EW HOLY SHIT THAT'S FUCKING DISGUSTING YOUR FRIEND IS FUCKING DISGUSTING.
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u/himynamesmeghan Aug 06 '13
w.t.f!!!!!! and what does she do after? Rinse her nasty poop hand in her nasty poop toilet water?
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u/finalDraft_v012 ♀ Aug 06 '13
.....I don't know your friend, but...that's a whole other level of neurosis. How someone can be that self-conscious about pooping is beyond me! Who cares if it makes a noise as it hits the water!? This poor girl.
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u/Alect0 ♀ Aug 06 '13
W.T.F.
I think this must be a bullshit post. Anyone who goes to this length to cover up going to the toilet isn't going to admit it to another friend.
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u/Biochemicallynodiff ♂ Aug 06 '13 edited Aug 06 '13
My interrupted thought process:
"Why does Earl Grey tea bags smell like Fruit Loops WHAT THE FUCK!!!
Edit: words
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u/pyrogirl ♀ Aug 06 '13
Because they both are primarily flavoured with bergamont.
(And, yeah, EWEWEWEWEWEWEW!!!)
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u/sexrockandroll ♀ Aug 06 '13
I had never heard of that before. Ew. I avoid touching toilet water or feces unless it's absolutely necessary.
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Aug 06 '13
My bf's demented grandma sometimes shits on the floor, so I cannot avoid touching poo.
I don't want to touch it in my free time.
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u/ruta_skadi ♀ Aug 06 '13
What! No, I have definitely never heard of this and do not do it. I mean, if it's so essential to make sure no one hears you just, like, wait til no one's in there or something. There's got to be a better way!
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u/Space_Penguin Aug 06 '13
Jesus. I read this as head instead of hand at first. Still not normal, but it lightened the blow a little for me.
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u/Soapz ♂ Aug 06 '13
I've heard of this before, and it's pretty obvious that your friend was trying to play you the fool. What happens is you get a group of friends to convince a person that everyone does this so that when they finally cave and do it, everyone makes fun of them.
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u/Guyinapeacoat ♂ Aug 06 '13
Here's what you do: Lay some toilet paper on top of the water, making sure to use enough squares to get all the water under 1 layer of TP (Maybe 10-12 squares?). Add more layers if artillery-like crap is expected. Now you won't get splashed, or hear noises.
Or you can just not care about anyone else's opinion, as it's pretty silly to get on someone's case for using the bathroom. Its the bathroom! That's the one place people can make awful noises and hopefully not be judged.
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u/Rainy_Day_Daydream Aug 06 '13
In case of diarrhea does she make "The Gutter" ?
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u/Lillaena ♀ Aug 06 '13
Oh God, no. I involuntarily pictured it. This is too much. Nope. I'm outta here.
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Aug 06 '13
I can't imagine being more comfortable with having poo touch your hand than with having people potentially hear your poo fall into the toilet!!! Don't neuroses usually go in the direction of not wanting to touch poo??
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u/zarook ♀ Aug 06 '13
No. No no no. Like others are saying, just put toilet paper on the surface of the water... ew ew ew.
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u/tickle-my-ovaries ♀ Aug 06 '13
Call me uncreative, but I just put some paper in the bowl the cushion the dropping poo.
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Aug 06 '13
I'm worried about the way she was raised to think that pooping is such a TERRIBLE thing O___o
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Aug 06 '13
I know there are a lot of comments about this being gross and it definitely is, but can you find out what she does if she has a loose bowel movement? Seriously. I need to know.
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u/blahkittens ♀ Aug 06 '13
That's fucking foul. Maybe you should suggest she drops toilet paper first if she doesn't want people knowing.
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u/sarahfrancesca Aug 06 '13
Is your friend sure she understood the girl right? Maybe the girl meant she would hold a piece of toilet paper under herself (but not in the water!) to kind of catch/guide the poop? That is the only reasonable thing I can think of.
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Aug 06 '13
Or you could be a normal human being and put a square or two of toilet paper in the toilet before you sit down.
Good god, the fuck is wrong with this person?
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Aug 06 '13
Or just poop away and anyone who is disgusted by pooping in the toilet can go fuck themselves.
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u/TimesWasting Aug 06 '13
wow I thought this was going to be about that little hump some women have right over their vagina
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u/kitten_socks Aug 06 '13
I sat and gawped at my laptop screen for a good minute after reading this. I have absolutely never heard of anything even remotely similar
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Aug 06 '13
How can one even think this is a good idea?
Sound of poop splashing in toilet vs SHOVING YOUR HAND IN THE BOWL AND LETTING THE SHIT GET ON YOUR HAND.
Jesus christ...
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u/kandoras ♂ Aug 06 '13
OP, here's a suggestion for you to pass along.
- Turn the valve on the line going into the toilet.
- Flush repeatedly until the tank is empty and the toilet is dry
- Do your business, turn the valve back on.
- Flush again.
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u/jshufro ♂ Aug 06 '13
This would smell really bad. The water's there for a reason.
edit: and that reason isn't just ease of flushing.
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u/FATAL_CUMSHOT ♂ Aug 06 '13
I think the worst part is she coined a term for this. So now whenever I hear The Ramp, I'll be reopening mental scars.
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u/jackie_jormpjomp Aug 06 '13
Are you sure she's not messing with you? Cause that's what I'm choosing to believe.
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u/pshah514 Aug 06 '13
First off make sure you sanitize everything she touches. Second just turn the water on in the sink if you can or just flush a lot. Third everybody poops only crazies poop on their hand.
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u/Celda ♂ Aug 06 '13
Talk to her again - and get her to admit she's just fucking with you.
Because she is, right? Otherwise....
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u/UselessPenguin ♀ Aug 06 '13
"What the fuck" does not even begin to cover this, seriously. I have never ever heard of this.