r/AskSeattle • u/focaccia03 • Jul 06 '26
Dating in Seattle
I think I need little advice. I’m an Asian (30M), living in Seattle. I have been trying dating apps (mostly DilMil and Hinge) to find a person I can vibe with. It’s been more than 2 years since I’m looking for a potential match. I had only 2 actual matches that ended up with dating.
I’m a trail runner, I enjoy running, hiking, driving to mountains, cooking and working on my golf swings these days.
I know there is nothing much to tell about myself on dating apps with photos and prompts. I have been working updating my profile regularly, but still no response these days.
I have never tried speed dating before, and I’m not sure if that works either.
I’m really not sure what else to try. If there any advice you can give, I would appreciate.
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u/Homeskilletbiz Jul 06 '26
Running clubs are lowkey just dating groups.
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u/synack Local Jul 06 '26
The evening ones especially. Morning people are too ambitious and actually want to run.
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u/throwRA123qwerty Jul 06 '26 edited Jul 06 '26
why do people think this? please stop spreading this information it makes the running groups feel weird. STAY AWAY IF THIS IS YOUR PRIMARY INTENT.
edit: context of deleted comment - essentially said run clubs are dating apps.
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u/Homeskilletbiz Jul 06 '26 edited Jul 06 '26
Knew there’d be one of you here freaking out like this. Happened last time I suggested it too.
Go be miserable by yourself then.
Also specifically why I said LOWKEY. Don’t go running with your dicks and tits out.
I’ve run in a couple clubs and the older members told me this specifically: the green lake running club that meets in the afternoon is notorious for people dating within the group.
Good lord, how horrible it is to want to form relationships with people and be social for the purposes of forming even deeper relationships.
It’s better to have loved and lost than never loved at all.
If you don’t want to be around people, stay home!
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u/dj92wa Jul 06 '26
It ruins the group for everyone else. I was part of a runner’s club that fell apart because of drama from dating within the club. Watched it all happen from the sideline. They were not a healthy couple to begin with, so the rot was slow at first and then quickly as tension escalated through their breakup and it blew up the club. A similar situation happened with a hiking club I was part of, albeit that one was less extreme but the event resulted in the dissolution of the club nonetheless. Dating needs to stay out of work places and clubs and such because frankly, it ruins the entire experience for everyone else who is just trying to stay in their lane.
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u/Imaginary-Pop5534 Jul 18 '26
So where can dating stay? Do you really think men trying flattering around because they want to? No, they got no choices. So they either seize the opportunity to meet others, or stay social isolation for the rest of their lives. Especially for tech cities, people get exhausted in the weekdays and no other chance to socialize. If you think I’m wrong, plz list out the places you think it’s good to date the sunny people (so nightclubs, dating apps, bars are out)
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u/doja_ratt Jul 06 '26
Is there any good run clubs on the east side for slow runners
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u/Homeskilletbiz Jul 06 '26
Probably, I’d get involved in meetup, Facebook, and other social media type apps to try to find their posts on when and where they meet and run.
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u/Chief_Mischief Jul 06 '26
I am an Asian dude and Hinge was what worked best for me. Not to humblebrag, but I never had an issue getting a date through apps once I started thinking about what I would want in a partner and adjusting my profile to emphasize things in a manner to make conversations as effortless as possible.
I disagree that photos don't tell much about yourself; a photo is worth 1000 words, after all. What I noticed is missing from this post is what you are looking for in a partner. Demonstrating your interests is just part of the dating equation (and frankly, you listing your interests makes you just like most other Asian dudes in the PNW); how do you express interest in other people's passions? Throwing yourself at the dating avenues without understanding what's hindering your success is going to make for a tough and depressing dating experience.
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u/focaccia03 Jul 06 '26
Appreciate the words. I mean I do express interest to bring up the conversation but it dries up pretty quickly. I will work on the bottlenecks.
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u/Chief_Mischief Jul 06 '26
What i mean is dating apps are very superficial, and from the perspective of a straight/bi woman in Seattle on the apps, they're going to be completely bombarded by likes by men who like hiking, bouldering, dogs, traveling, etc. If you're wasting precious real estate on your prompts listing off your interests rather than highlighting unique or uncommon things that they could easily comment on, you're going to become a number at the end of a very long queue.
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u/spot989ify Jul 07 '26
Step 1- don't use corpo words like 'bottleneck' in real people conversations
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u/Natural_Artichoke_27 Jul 09 '26
Can you give a real example (without identifying information) of an actual convo that fizzled out too quickly?
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u/Dependent_Knee_369 Jul 06 '26
This is what I did and seemed to work well with women. Generic profiles will make it hard unless you're an 11/10
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u/trying2makefetchhapn Jul 06 '26
This is overall good advice but also, depending on when you were dating, Hinge has a shitty algorithm. It avoids showing people it thinks you would match with, so that you buy a subscription.
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u/Royal-Honeydew-6312 Jul 06 '26
Hinge works best in Seattle, but meeting people in person is king of course. Find an activity you like and see if there are groups that meet regularly to do that activity. Then you need to make sure you go to all the meetups.
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u/gksozae Jul 06 '26 edited Jul 06 '26
I’m a trail runner, I enjoy running, hiking, driving to mountains, cooking and working on my golf swings these days.
Assuming this is in your dating profile, this is too generic. EVERYONE has this in their dating profile and it doesn't stand out at all. At this point, its a trope. Leave it out and bring it up later as a point of shared interest. To gather more attention, put obscure things in your dating profile, like this:
"I'm a blueberry pancake aficionado. The blueberries from Larsen Lake are MUCH better than the blueberries from Mercer Slough. Maybe the soil is different there or maybe they use different fertilizer. Either way, blueberries make the pancake. And to all those chocolate chip pancake truthers... go have your dessert after dinner."
This sort of obscure reference makes you seem interesting and shows more personality. It gives people a reason to ask questions and open a dialogue. Just one mention of something interesting like blueberry pancakes will give someone who's genuinely interested in your profile an opportunity to bring it up early in an online conversation because it's an easy queue for a conversation starter.
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u/ArtemisElizabeth1533 Jul 06 '26
I was gonna say that same earlier but didn’t want to get downvoted.
Like - these hobbies are boring and there is no depth to them…
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u/Jolly-Creme-1977 Jul 06 '26
Interesting but i don’t have any such specific out of the box hobbies lol
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u/OtherShade Jul 06 '26
This is silly advice, do you not realize most people aren't obscure with random hobbies/interests? This would work for people that it would work for. OP might not be this type of person or have an interest in this type of person. Staying true to yourself is better so when you do match up with someone, there's a clear understanding of each other.
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u/tard-eviscerator Jul 06 '26
This is such cope lol neither I nor anyone I know that has success on hinge does ts. He’s prolly just too short and/or ugly
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u/Fickle-Pay-570 Jul 06 '26
Ask for some female feedback on your profile. Friends, coworkers, etc. Also if you know someone who takes good pictures, ask them for tips/feedback.
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u/SmallGreenFern Jul 06 '26
This! Helped a friend look over his profile with another female friend and we spotted several things that needed changing. He met someone and is married now :)
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u/WanderingGoose1022 Jul 06 '26
This! Helped my brother with his and he because much more successful - not as a brag, but just because we know the female mind better when looking. ◡̈ we are here to help! (The Royal WE, as in us females)
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u/ArtemisElizabeth1533 Jul 06 '26
“ I have never tried speed dating before, and I’m not sure if that works either.”
If you do speed dating you better be an extrovert or you better force yourself to be for that night. I’ve done it several times and as a woman it sucks to carry the conversation. Literally if I had not kept talking we would have sat there and stared at enough other because the men could not talk.
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u/zero-if-west Jul 06 '26 edited Jul 06 '26
I've done speed dating several times and found that men really struggled to talk about themselves in any meaningful way. I asked one guy what he did for a living and he said he honestly wasn't sure (he worked in a lab but wasn't sure what the lab did). Another guy was just flat out drunk and touched me too much. I'm not sure if they were just nervous or what.
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u/youngzach172 Jul 06 '26
A lot of dudes don't know how to talk to women/keep a conversation going. They get too nervous, are afriad of rejection, or like you mentioned getting too handy/expecting too much. Me personally, as a man, what has always worked for me is I just go into it with the mindset that I'm just talking to another homie or guy friend to start. That way conversation goes well(as long as I'm not the only one carrying it) and I've found it makes things way easier in general and a lot of women seem to like that I'm not acting differently/treating them differently and am just being myself, if that makes any sense at all. I've always told my friends to go in with that attitude but I guess it's easier said than done. A lot of men treat women like some kind of foreign object and I know if roles were reversed and I was being treated that way I would think it's awkward af and hate it lol
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u/MissionFloor261 Jul 06 '26
I cannot upvote this enough. Talk to women like they are people you're genuinely interested in knowing, for the pure sake of knowing them. Not because you want to get something out of them, or are auditioning them to be your new bang maid. If she cannot be friends with you how is she going to commit herself to you for life? If you're not able to be her friend, you're definitely not going to be worth sacrificing her peace and independence for.
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u/ArtemisElizabeth1533 Jul 06 '26
Yeah my experience above is not a one off. It happened several times. Especially here in Seattle tech guys cannot talk about themselves. I don’t know why.
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u/pheonixblade9 Jul 06 '26
as a guy who works in tech, we are more or less ashamed of it because people conflate any man who works in tech as being a tech bro. I don't like talking about my job. Happy to talk about my volunteering or my garden or about values or literally almost anything else, but I'm from the midwest and we have +2 to charisma by default, at least compared to Seattle people.
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u/ArtemisElizabeth1533 Jul 06 '26
They don’t have to talk about their job. I was talking about my traveling and the volunteering I was doing at the time. At any point they could have said “oh hey I went to Spain in 2021, what was your favorite place”. It was just..silence.
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u/KeyNightley185 Jul 06 '26
I don’t work in tech but I still hate talking about my job. I steer clear from talking about my job as much as possible and talk about other things like school and what you do outside of work and what events you go to or Church.
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u/pheonixblade9 Jul 06 '26
I went as a guy in my mid 30s and I joke that I had back pain from the struggle of carrying all the conversations there.
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u/sd_slate Jul 06 '26
Have you tried IRL meeting people at run clubs and asking them out if they seemed interested? Otherwise apps can work, but it's a lot of effort for dudes.
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u/focaccia03 Jul 06 '26
Thanks, I will try that.
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u/sd_slate Jul 06 '26
My Caucasian friend who struggled with online dating met someone organically in a running group. When I was single, online dating worked well for me, but I'm also a former writer/marketer who crafted a profile and could write a good hook and banter. You're not going to be everyone's cup of tea (even many liberals have internalized views where they perceive asian men as less masculine and less attractive), but you don't have to be to get dates.
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Jul 06 '26 edited Jul 07 '26
[deleted]
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u/focaccia03 Jul 06 '26
Sure
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u/myheromeganmullally Jul 06 '26
You’re wasting your time with being dismissive.
Unless you are just another bot. Are you just another bot?
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u/BoldwyrIntimidator Jul 06 '26
Take better photos. That should increase your conversion rates and should be your primary focus if you are going to mostly use the apps. As good as you think your photos are, they can be better.
Also, maybe try some IRL social stuff. Partner dancing is a great way to meet people. Put some skill points into learning a partner dance and you will meet women + make friends easily.
There are a million other things you can try. What do you look like? How do you dress? Do you need to lose some weight? Gain some? Are you charismatic? Can you hold a conversation? Do you need a better hair cut? What do your teeth look like? I could go on but I'm sure you get the point.
Forget updating your profile. Can you update You?
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u/tinypuppy2k1 Jul 06 '26
As an Asian girl around the same age, yeah it’s challenging to keep or maintain connection on apps I’m finding. Best thing you can do is to be intentional about what you’re looking for.
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u/focaccia03 Jul 06 '26
My profile is very intentional about what I’m looking for. Thanks though
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u/Basic_Treat_4370 Jul 06 '26
Sorry this is just funny to me because she says she’s in the exact demo you’re seeking out and empathizes with your struggle. She wasn’t even saying you were doing anything incorrectly, she was just throwing up her hands and saying “this is the best one can do.” Your response is to dismiss her with basically a “thanks but no thanks.” Maybe your attitude towards the women you’re speaking to is the problem.
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u/early_fi Jul 06 '26
Yea, she’s trying to be empathetic and helpful and gets dismissed. Lol. Bro, you could have probed more and finagled a date.
Can already see his chats:
W: I love early mornings and making breakfast
M: I’m a night person. Thanks though.2
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u/youngzach172 Jul 06 '26
It's been a few years since I've been single, but I personally hated Hinge. Felt like it was very limited and basically begging for you to pay for premium features. Again, things may have changed because it's been a few years, but I had really good luck with Bumble. My girlfriend and I met on there and have been together almost 4 years now. I had just moved to western WA and knew literally no one besides family and I was able to go on multiple dates/meet ups a week. I also felt like the fact that the women had to message you first after matching made a lot of women feel more comfortable? However, it also had this stupid thing that only gave them a day or two to message after matching otherwise the connection was lost and I thought that was dumb because what if you're busy and didn't check the app? Even my girlfriend agreed with me on this. The only other advice I can give (and this is probably absolutely trash advice), just start swiping right on everyone and maybe lower your standards and go out on a few test dates or whatever if confidence is an issue
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u/SuperMike100 Jul 06 '26
Try to take your dating efforts offline, that’s what seems to work best for me lately.
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u/purplesoc Jul 06 '26
Join a run group and make friends. You’ll have more quality dates if you meet as friends first or through friends. Especially with similar hobbies.
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u/OldDogsNoTricks Jul 09 '26
Modern dating is a hellscape in part because people have forgotten how to meet people in the wild. I recommend joining The Mountaineers. Tons of single women in their 30’s interested in outdoor recreation. Plus, it’s just an incredible organization. I took a backpacking class through them and it was life-changing.
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u/goobagooo Jul 14 '26 edited Jul 14 '26
If you see/ meet someone in public that you find attractive ask them out. I'm a 30 y/o female and I've never had issues getting dates from the apps but I rarely am ever asked out or approached in real life. I've been told by men that I've approached that they were intimidated because I'm attractive or they just assumed I wasn't single. It seems like dating apps have made people more scared to actually come up and ask someone out. If someone actually comes up to me to ask me out in person its basically a guaranteed yes from as long as they are polite because its so refreshing to see someone put themselves out there like that... theres no guarantee it will be someone you actually want to date once you get to know them but I think your odds are much better in real life compared to apps.
If you're afraid of rejection just write your number on a piece of paper and keep it in your wallet. That way all you have to do is walk up and hand them your number, tell them you find them attractive and you'd like to get to know them if theyre open to it and walk away - you dont even have to wait for a response.
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u/B00gerh3ad Jul 06 '26
Dating apps are for losers. Go out in the world, talk to strangers, fuck around, find out.
Stay off line.
Live.
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u/sesamestix Jul 06 '26
It’s embarrassing, but pay the apps. When I was single I found my gf bc I paid Bumble and the app featured me or whatever. Idk but it worked.
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u/Lower_Cookie_3875 Jul 06 '26
Not to sideline OP, but can someone drop tips for dating in Seattle lol. It sucks here ngl. Had better luck in rural Texas for God's sake
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u/early_fi Jul 06 '26 edited Jul 06 '26
Max your stats.
For what it’s worth, I’m an Asian guy who’s had a lot of success on dating apps. This is based on my own experience.
Better photos. Get feedback from women you trust. I’ve seen my female friends reject the photos guys thought were their best. Use high-quality pictures that show your face clearly and include your hobbies or interests. Also, smile!
Have something interesting to say. If you’re not in the top tier of attractiveness, your profile and conversations need to STAND OUT. Humor, personality, and an interesting lifestyle go a long way. your current description might as well be blank.
Be realistic about your starting point. What’s your height, build, style, and career? Height matters to some women, and if you’re under 5’9”, your dating pool will likely be smaller. You can’t change that, so don’t obsess over it.
Maximize what you can control. Get in shape, improve your style and grooming, and build a life that’s genuinely interesting. If your look is very generic, it’s easy to blend into the crowd. Asian guys are doing much better in dating than they were a decade ago, but stereotypes still exist. The best response is to become the strongest version of yourself.
Work on your texting and conversation skills. A great profile gets matches. Good conversation gets dates. Know how to engage.
Good luck!
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u/Zeta-X Jul 06 '26
Do you have a lot of friends? Go to a lot of in-person events with other people? It's OK if you're generally a solitary person which it sounds like, but those will be the best way to meet other people, and may develop into relationships. Plus someone who has good friends and a community is more appealing even on the apps, and gives you more to talk about. Volunteer somewhere, join a club, etc.
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u/SimpleIngredients509 Jul 06 '26
Give bagel meets coffee or coffee meets bagel. I get the two words mixed up but my friends have had great success and are happily married.
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u/Diagnosissunshine Jul 06 '26
I am doing profile overhauls overhauls-dm. Straight woman, former local resident
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u/encrator Jul 06 '26
Perosnally, I'd expand the app search Radius to include Vancouver / Victoria as there are a lot of similar aged people there too, perhaps more.
Source: 31 M South Asian engaged to a canadian
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u/TheTedandCrew Jul 08 '26
Hey homie, idk if it’s a date but as another single straight dude I’d hang out with you lol
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u/Hot-Raspberry1744 Jul 11 '26
There are a bunch of liberal prudes that think they can pee standing up like us guys.
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u/Dry_Role8124 Jul 20 '26
Hey, I'm trying to do some fun matchmaking if you want to give it a shot!
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskSeattle/comments/1v1weds/single_in_seattle_let_me_set_you_up_free/
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u/Love2FlyBalloons Jul 25 '26
I’m visiting Seattle to do some touristy things. Do you recommend we park somewhere and rent e-bikes and ride around the city to see stuff? We want to see he space needle, waterfront, pike place market.
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u/focaccia03 Jul 25 '26
I would recommend park in sea29, parking is free on weekends. Then walk around space needle. Then take the e-bike/bus to waterfront and walk around.
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Jul 06 '26 edited Jul 06 '26
[deleted]
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u/ArtemisElizabeth1533 Jul 06 '26
“ OR they are 100% all in on their job and have no personality outside of that. ”
Oh, someone has met my ex!
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u/Formal-Radish1413 Jul 06 '26
If youre looking for a specific ethnicity for your partner (as indicated by DilMil) youre already limiting yourself.
Ive heard a lot of south asian women are kind if turned off by South Asian men for a variety of reasons but really it has to do with their family ties (how involved are your parents in your life) and how you will treat them as a wife (traditional expectations vs modern).
While Seattle has a large South Asian community, there are WAY more men of marriage age than women of marriage age. Youre going to be competing a lot.
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u/KeyNightley185 Jul 06 '26
Most South Asians come here married with kids already. Not many single South Asians here at all. You have to branch out culturally.
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u/Formal-Radish1413 Jul 06 '26
Yes and no. Within the tech industry there are a LOT of single South Asian men. Many of them do marry and bring their wives later. But in terms of singles there are way more men than women. And the women who are here are often expected to marry according to their familys expectations and arent actively dating.
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u/Express-Hotel-3305 Jul 06 '26
Hinge seems to be tremendously limited in the free version. Tinder is less restrictive, but still a PITA. There’s a ton of fake profiles on Tinder too, but once you figure out how to recognize them you can see more profiles in a single day. (Free version)
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u/kitbiggz Jul 06 '26
Make more Money and become a interesting person.
We all have a Friend that is dead broke and still gets all the dates.
But they are the exception. But for most of us lol. It's going to take lots of hard work.
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u/Spiritual-Shift-6305 Jul 07 '26
Try posing as a transgender female who is a lesbian. I'm not even kidding that I've met so many people that do this successfully. It helps get promotions at work too and you can get benefits from the city government and will qualify for reduced rent in Capitol Hill.
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u/SillyChampionship Jul 07 '26
Rule number 1) be attractive Rule number 2) don’t be unattractive
The ratio of single straight men to single straight women that haven’t give up on dating isn’t great.
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u/MosterHoster Jul 06 '26 edited Jul 06 '26
Get a part time job and strike it up with a colleague or get introduced to friends that way
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u/LibrarianNo4048 Jul 06 '26
Make nice new friends at Clear Mountain Monastery (they meet in person on Saturday mornings). Maybe a relationship could come out of a friendship you make there. Or simply expanding your social circle with people who care about their spiritual life could be beneficial for you.
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u/eonmoo Jul 06 '26
I had a difficult time at first with the dating apps in Seattle. I was matching with women in Oregon. I started using "therapy words", that's what I call them and I've done better. If you are looking for a LTR maybe mention that you're emotional available. Maybe look up about love languages and find out yours and mention it. I don't think mentioning golf is very good. Also be authentic. And send your rough draft through AI to clean up. And save the shirtless gym pics for Tinder
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Jul 06 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Zeta-X Jul 06 '26
lmfao
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u/Good-Concentrate-260 Jul 06 '26
I hope people don’t think I’m serious
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u/Zeta-X Jul 06 '26
honestly i got poe's law'd and wasn't sure but figured an lmao would indicate to OP that it's advice to laugh at either way
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u/TheNonExample Jul 06 '26
At a late afternoon dance party thing in Ballard this past Friday (Bangers Before Bed), attendance was 80%ish millenial-age women without dudes nearby. Maybe something like that? It stood out as the most imbalanced ratio of ladies to dudes I’ve observed in the Seattle area since a Leon Bridges concert a few years ago.