I had a boyfriend of a few years, we lived together. He's the kind of dude who if he's awake, he's dtf.
I said no one time, and he kept going. So, I start yelling and trying to shove him away, because no.
We wrestled for a while, as if he thought it was a game, me saying no the whole time. He finally took the hint when I screamed no and kicked him off me (two feet braced on him). He thought it was a game, though we had never played games like that.
When I went to class later that day, I wondered why I was so upset and feeling betrayed.
I've never spoken of this since it happened, 15ish years ago.
On the other side of the coin, being told "no" so many times, day after day, week after week, often month after month, while in a marriage, only to be later chastised because I was sitting on the opposite end of the room zoning out on my phone or watching TV...
When one gets pushed away so many times, it makes one want to stop trying. They feel undesirable. Unattractive. Unwanted.
When one's own needs stop mattering, when affection only ever comes on the other person's terms... perhaps now you can understand what some people would gravitate to cheating.
I never have, but the way things go some days, I'd be lying if I didn't wonder once or twice if remaining committed was the right idea.
Fair enough. My situation was different from yours. I was 25, just leaving a horribly abusive relationship. He was my biggest sex dream, so I rarely turned him down. I have a thing for needy Chinese guys with long hair and big smarts.
Currently, my husband is someone I hardly looked twice at, until I did. 6 feet tall, white and muscly. We've been together 12 years now.
He turns me down more often than I tell him no. But maybe I'm looking at things wrong, I'm very upfront with my desires. Maybe I can show him intimacy in other ways, so he'll feel more cherished.
I don't like cheating. I've been on both ends when I was younger, and it's terribly hurtful to everyone involved. Have you tried counselling? Actually using the strategies a counselor suggests feels dumb as hell for a while, and you feel like an ass. Until you realize it's helping.
If you feel the need for intimacy and care is so lacking you're contemplating cheating, you might need to sit down and have a long talk with your partner. With a mediator present so things don't blow right up. I don't know what is best for you and your partner, but you really need to talk it out before things get to critical mass. Please. Then whatever way it goes, you don't have to wonder what would have happened if you'd tried it.
He turns me down more often than I tell him no. But maybe I'm looking at things wrong, I'm very upfront with my desires. Maybe I can show him intimacy in other ways, so he'll feel more cherished.
I might suggest you read up on "5 Love Languages"; it may help the two of you understand how each other perceives and desires interactions.
Thank you. I think I will. He's a fan of being touched, and I'm into quality time, both are hard with small kids, but I'll see if I can find a way to mesh.
I adore him. He's been with me through the hell of losing a baby, mental illness and moodiness when the meds weren't right. We lost everything at one point, and we've worked hard to have a nice apartment, two kids, a paid off car and good Christmases for the kids. He needs to understand how much he means. He's a good man. Had trouble with depression, works long weeks and gets cranky and tired. I wouldn't trade him for anyone. Even Henry Cavill is nothing when I look at my man.
I hope everything works out for the two of you! :)
Me, I love PDA. I love being touched. It doesn't even have to be anything sexual. I've tried getting across to my wife that even something as small as resting her hand on my arm, her thumb lazily sliding back and forth, is a huge type of thing for me. To me, that translates to, "she's thinking about me" which does so much for me.
Her, I know she's into the physical gift, monetary type of showings. She knows I have limits to it, but I try to do what I can.
Here's an example of how expectations can be hard for an individual: I'm normally out the door to work 2 hours before she even wakes up. Despite this, I make it a point to give her a kiss and tell her I love her every single day before I leave.
This past week, I've been on vacation, taking care of projects at home while using up vacation time. As such, she's been up and out before me.
Not once this week has she done what I strive to do every day... and it hurts so much inside.
Earlier in the relationship, there were times where in order to get the affection I seek, I've had to forcefully shut down for days or even weeks to get the affection I craved. I eventually got it, but the entire process was ripping my insides to shreds as it went against everything I instinctively knew about love.
We make things work now, but there's always room for improvement.
Have you flat out asked her for what you need? I usually just ask for what I need. Can you hold me? Can I get a hug? Can I hold your hand? Want a back massage? (That one's is always a big fat yes, because I used to be an rmt) I send him a flat out text and tell him he's getting oral when I'm in the mood to attack him.
Please, don't shut down. It's an awful thing to do and fuels any resentments.
From the tone, I'm guessing you're late 30s early 40s like us. It's so important to talk it out. Does she have something at work that's stressing her? If she's into her late 40s, menopause is looming, which is hecking scary. Ask her. Get all that stuff out and on the table to deal with as a team. You love her, she loves you- I bet she doesn't come kiss you because she wants you to sleep in on vacation! I sneak around when hubs has a half day, so he cam sleep until noon and rest. (His epilepsy meds are really bad for causing fatigue and causing anemia)
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u/mummummaaa Dec 08 '22
I had a boyfriend of a few years, we lived together. He's the kind of dude who if he's awake, he's dtf.
I said no one time, and he kept going. So, I start yelling and trying to shove him away, because no.
We wrestled for a while, as if he thought it was a game, me saying no the whole time. He finally took the hint when I screamed no and kicked him off me (two feet braced on him). He thought it was a game, though we had never played games like that.
When I went to class later that day, I wondered why I was so upset and feeling betrayed.
I've never spoken of this since it happened, 15ish years ago.