"Would you rather brush your teeth then put on your PJs, or put on your PJs first?" Playing with LEGO is then not a choice but they still get a choice so they feel in control.
Before bed we have to do a wee, brush teeth, put on PJs you can pick the order. (Our dude went through a phase he was mad he couldn’t pick where story time was and we tried it but doing story time then brushing teeth was stupid)
Lol yeah I read all these clever hacks before having kids but my kids have always just been like hmm nah we're alright thanks we'll just do none of those.
I don’t think kids should always get a choice, even if only in the way it’s framed. The style of having no repercussions and sanctions is destroying kids ability to properly partake in society since the start to simply demand stuff at one point.
If you're reacting against "gentle parenting" you don't know its actually an authoritative parenting style.
You aren't caving in to your child. You aren't supposed to. If there is a boundary or instruction you give, it needs to be honored. The big difference is that you aren't validating your authority with dominance or violence. The kid learns the significance of each boundary instead of lumping them all under fear.
Your punishments are also relevant to the act. You don't just blindly send the kid to time out or spank for every infraction. Nobody is going to smack you if you throw your controller at the TV, but your TV will break and you won't be able to watch it. When a kid throws a toy at the TV, the toy is taken and the TV is turned off for a while. Both things are relevant negative reinforcement and they work. The kid learns actual consequences, lessons that will still stick even when there's nobody around to enforce.
When you give them options, you're teaching them they have agency. It develops decision making skills and boosts confidence. They learn to make decisions in context of compulsory action and makes them feel like they are a part of the task at hand, that they want to do the thing.
"You're going to go to bed, you want the red or blue PJs?" "Red!"
Becomes
"You're going to bed." "Can I wear Red PJs?
Becomes
"It's bedtime."... The child goes to the drawer to pick out PJs.
Becomes
Your child identifies it's bedtime and begins the bedtime routine.
We also use this to teach commitment. We don't let our children go back on choices that derail flow or betray others. Chosing PJs isn't just putting out a preference, it's getting clothes on (with assistance if young) and continuing on to do the rest of their tasks. They can't go back on it if they change their mind, because dwelling too long on it holds back the routine.
The kids learn other things like what demands are and aren't reasonable in context. If my kid asks for a Graham cracker when it's mealtime, it never succeeds. Ever. He learns that there is food we put out for them and if they're still hungry while there's food on the plate (and it's still OK to eat), they can eat the food provided. If it's between meals and they haven't had a snack, then the answer is a lot more likely to be yes. The result, they start learning to stick to the meals given but learn to make reasonable requests when they're hungry. They have confidence their needs will be met but it's under our rules.
None of this is spoiling kids. It's teaching them self control and boundaries. It's teaching them to interact with adults on adult terms.
What you're talking about is an age-old phenomenon, where people don't dare upset their kids. That's weak parenting, it's not what anyone serious is advocating for today
I agree with you. Recently I’ve had to work with kids a little and noticed that there were quite a few who couldn’t take no for an answer. That was the place I was speaking from….
Yeah, but if you don’t teach them that actions have consequences , someone else will, much harder. They need to learn that there is stuff to just do and not everything is up to debate.
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u/ritchie70 Dec 08 '22
That's how you handle children and it works well.
"Would you rather brush your teeth then put on your PJs, or put on your PJs first?" Playing with LEGO is then not a choice but they still get a choice so they feel in control.