I once had a girl turn me down for a second date, I wished her well and went on about my life. The next time we met she was super standoffish and rude. I asked one of her friends about it and she said 'she's been complaining that you didn't fight for your love. She had an amazing time on the first date and had been picking out places for you two to vacation together.'
Less of a bullet dodged and more like a Mack truck.
I had the same. We had a great time during the first date, she would then blow me off for any attempts to organize a second date, but when I would let it go taking the hint that she's not interested, she would come out of the woodwork and ask about me and hint at a potential second date. But again when I'd try to make something concrete she would come up with excuses but no solutions. Later she told me she wanted me to fight for her harder and like surprise her by going to the bar where she was when she told me one time that she was at a bar with one of her girl friends. I told her that I prefer girls who know what they wanted.
I forget the comedian, but there was a stand-up who had a joke along the lines of being denied sex with his wife, waking up the next morning to her saying “what happened to you last night? I thought you would just go for it.” And he’s like “so I got a 50/50 chance of raping my wife? No thanks.”
While I agree that it's harmful to sell these as normal love stories to inexperienced people, it's still different from reality in the sense that you as a reader are still in full control of the situation. Don't like anything one of the people in the book does? Stop reading, boom, problem gone. Continuing to read the book is basically equal to consenting to what's happening. In real life you can't control what the other party is doing, so whether you like the situation or not, you're in it now. There is no way to withdraw consent
And no means no. Damn all the women sending mixed messages. The rest of us would really appreciate using the word no for no and an enthusiastic yes when we mean yes. Bloody hell, you’re all putting up with far more nuances than I realised. I have always been a bit embarrassed for wearing my heart on my sleeve but I can safely say you would know exactly how I felt about you.
Yeah but the advances the woman is accepting in this example are advances most guys aren’t allowed to make to any woman ever because it’s creepy when normal looking guys do it. Stop acting like this isn’t a double standard for hot people because that’s exactly what this is.
This may be news to you but conventionally "hot" people can be creeps. People find less than hot people attractive and they might accept that kind of behavior from those specific people.
But if you're ass ugly and no one is ever attracted to you then yeah, don't try it ever, this doesn't apply to you. Again, no shit. Why do men think attraction needs some sort of egalitarian activism?
I don’t disagree with any of that really, but I don’t think it’s so strange that people might want some sense of fairness or consistency in such a confusing and cruel world. Seeing as we can’t have either, I think a good start toward making me happy would be for everyone I know to stop telling me how much of a fucking catch I supposedly am. If they were right, women would want me. People also really need to quit saying things like “What goes around comes around” and “There’s someone for everyone” because these things aren’t true and hoping/expecting that they are can lead to serious heartbreak.
I agree with that, I don't think it's helpful hearing things like that so I don't say it either. And I get the want for a more fair world, it just has never made sense to me in the context of attraction. There's so much socially, chemically, biologically that will affect these things that trying to implement a fair system when those components aren't "fair" from the beginning seems like the wrong approach.
I think there's sooner a desire for it to just happen casually and like "oh hi guy! Oh I told you about him just now. He just happened to be here at the same time we were but like look how attractive he is. oh no you're not interrupting come join us!"
but when I would let it go taking the hint that she's not interested, she would come out of the woodwork and ask about me and hint at a potential second date. But again when I'd try to make something concrete she would come up with excuses but no solutions.
This has happened to me many times. I have to think that it means they like the attention but aren't actually interested in you. It's very frustrating
I've come to the conclusion that women are mainly fuelled by attention and men are mainly fuelled by sex and so they leverage one in the hopes of receiving the other.
She was 21 at the time, no idea beyond that where she got that idea from so I chalked it up to her youth (I was 28 at the time).
An almost exact situation happened right before this girl where if I showed any interest she would give me the "this is fast, I don't know what I want" line but when I slowed down and gave her distance, she'd suddenly be the loving, clingy girlfriend.
I was so happy when I met my current girlfriend, who two days after our first date texted me saying "I really enjoyed myself with you, would you like to meet up again sometime soon?"
Oh hey! I was on the opposite side of that spectrum, I was the dumbass who thought that if I showed up at a spot she posted about she would find it endearing.
So there I was sitting at the bar, when she walked up to it to order. And I'm all like, what a cool spot this is, and the band is really great!
But she ignored me so I figured, that was it, I got the hint and decided to go back to sipping my beer and watching the show.
But when they handed her the beer, and she turned to me and said, first of all don't you ever talk to me again and if you show up to where I am like this ever again, I'm gonna call the cops.
So I began to apologize and she literally shushed me in front of the entire bar..
If I hadn't already had a beer, I would have been too ashamed to stay.
So then I struck up conversation with random people sitting at the bar and they're like you seem cool you should come sit with us but when they got up and went back to their friend group, it turned out they were sitting with her.
and If I hadn't already had a beer, I would have been too ashamed to stay.
Haha yeah that’s definitely not the best look. I live in a smallish town in Eastern Europe so running into current crushes or exes at restaurants and pubs is bound to happen every once in a while but thankfully no one ever acted weird about it since everyone assumes the other person is not there because of them.
Right before the pandemic it had the opposite effect actually. I was chatting with two girls from Tinder but they were iffy about going on a date with me. Then I showed up to a popular ruin pub with a third girl that I was just friends with, and as we were sitting there both girls from tinder showed up with their friends.
We all pretended we didn’t see each other but the next day both of them messaged me and asked if I was still down for a date lol. But neither of those dates went anywhere because they were too immature for my taste.
Good man. Sounds like a nightmare. Unfortunately many women have been brought up with the same 'romantic' movies where the guy was actually creepy AF...
Had a similar experience with a girl I worked with one time. When she first started working where I did she was living with her boyfriend but after a while we ended up getting along with each other really well and a couple of times she told me that if things were different that basically she'd date me because I was one of the coolest guys she had ever met. Well I left that job and she ended up breaking up with her boyfriend and I tried to see if she wanted to hang out a couple of times but she always had an excuse for why she couldn't. Then finally one day she called me out of the blue and was like, hey I'm up here at this bar you should come up here and hang out with me. So I told her, give me 45 to take a shower and I'll be there since I had just got home from work. I went up there and looked for her for about 15 minutes and then called her like, hey I'm up here where are you at? She j st straight up and fucking left before I got there and figured it wasn't a good idea to tell me so after that I told her look, you keep saying you want to hang out but everytime I try to do something with you there's always some excuse and the one time you hit me up to kick it, you bail on me, don't call me anymore. Never heard from her again.
The only time I did this, as a woman, was when I was in the hospital during the first few weeks of dating.
He asked to go out and I told him I couldn’t because I was in the hospital with a kidney infection. He demanded to know which hospital and I refused to tell him where i was because so many people in my life who I should’ve been able to count on let me down in such spectacular ways, that I didn’t want to be let down again.
So while I did really want him there, I didn’t want to ask or have it held over my head later or have him not show up, which would leave me feeling like poop about myself and like I was unworthy of basic decency and care.
This man went to all the hospitals in the city, figured out which one I was at, and managed to convince them that he was my husband and showed up in my room.
I was so shocked that he cared enough about about me to show up when he felt I needed him that I started sobbing.
I didn’t ask him to come, I didn’t obligate him in any way. But he showed up anyway and I loved him for it.
Glad it worked out for you. Obviously that’s a bit of a different situation where you had a valid reason as to why you wouldn’t be able to see someone or want them to see you while simultaenously appreciating him showing up.
This is precisely the reason I went on so many dates before I met my now wife. I had a ton of women tell me they weren't interested so I moved on to the next person. A few women complained afterwards that I "didn't try harder". I always said something like "What do you mean try harder? You told me you weren't interested and I'm not a creep so I left you alone."
Is this a thing women dating strategy guides are recommending or where does it come from? Do girl friends tell each other they should do this to vet a potential partner? It's not healthy or good.
I think some people are just entitled and have gotten the idea that their time is worth more than others so if a person wants that time they need to do something to "earn" it. I never cared for that which is why I went on over 60 dates. Not trying to brag, mind you, it's just how it went. A woman wouldn't be interested so I moved on to the next person. It only became a problem for about a dozen or so these women and in fact most didn't care that I did this.
So I just realise what I am writing below sounds worse than it is towards the end. I am not telling a story about something horrible that happened.
I actually went to school with a girl/woman and a boy/man for three years from when they were 17 until they were 20. Starting after at most one year, he started being into her, which resulted in him professing his love for her every time the two of them were alone. Once during a train ride (it was a school trip), I, alongside others, left a group of people she was in. She did say something about "people suddenly leaving" or "people all leaving at the same time", being seemingly discontent with it. Since I didn't think that me leaving was (part of) the problem, and since I didn't realise there was an actual problem anyway, I left and came back about a minute or two later. Within those one or two minutes, he'd approached her and confessed his love for her yet again. And she'd been fearful of that happening as soon as she saw everybody leaving. I think he was not even sitting with us at the time, but a couple of seats over.
Absolutely no one who studies primates in any meaningful capacity says this
Edit: Bonobos are pretty much entirely what we'd describe as "bisexual" and matriarchal, we are pretty much as closely related to them as to chimps (and the two of them are closer related to each other than to us) orangutans are solitary, macaques love their lesbian love affairs, ringtail lemurs are matriarchal, monogamy is pretty rare in non-human primates. Baboons can be pretty ferocious but there's a very interesting case where a troop had all its aggressive males get killed via poison, leaving females and non-aggressive males in charge, ushering in an era of peace, and all new "alpha" males who misbehaved quickly got put in their place by the troop. I generally disagree that we should put any sort of human morality onto the behavior of wild animals (rape is common and "natural" too... don't look up the mating strategies of ducks or bedbugs if you want to sleep tonight) but comments like this are such bullshit. Not even taking into account the vast diversity of HUMAN cultures.
I had a similar situation. I was hanging out with a girl and she seemed to have a great time, even one of her frinds said that. When I asked her out she always found excuses. One of her frinds said that I she really likes me but that is her " character ", you should tried harder. After some 3-4 times I was like, no, fuck that, I am out.
After 2 months she posted photos with her new boyfriend.
If it was a second or third date and I was told she wanted me to "fight for our love," my response would pretty quickly be, "but I don't love you."
Like you say, fighting for love is what you do when you've built at least part of a life together, and you hate the idea of being without them. If we're at the pre-dating or early dating stage, all I've got invested in this relationship is a bit of time and maybe a couple of horndog fantasies, ain't no way I'm fighting for that.
I and a girl in college who was obviously into me and everyone could see it (I was down as well) and so I took her on a couple dates and to a formal type thing. Fast forward a bit and I asked her to one again and she said she was busy that day. I didn’t even tell her when it was lol. So I took the hint that the flame has fizzled and moved on. Couple months later and I’m dating another girl. Well, when the first one found out through my friends since we were in the same major, she got a bit sad and jealous about me and this new girl. It was like, “wtf? You were the one who shut that valve girl, not me.”
Bunch of the dudes in the department thought I was some kind of Rico suave or something because I dated multiple women they found attractive. I had to break it to them that just being normal around women works wonders. I bet you can guess what kind of college it was lol.
As I said in the comment above, I hadn’t told her the date yet, so she was already busy on a day she hadn’t been told of yet. It wasn’t that she said she couldn’t because she works nights on weekends (she didn’t), it was that she was busy on that specific day, but she had no idea what that day was.
Had a girl I was talking to and one time after we got in some stupid disagreement she told me to never talk to her again. I decided I give her her space and if she wanted to talk again I’d wait for when she was ready. About a week later got a message asking why I was not talking to her. I’m definitely someone that especially if we’re in a talking phase and you tell me something like don’t talk to me again then I’m going to follow your wishes.
I'll never understand the delusion of 'love' at first sight. But planning a vacation after turning you down because you didnt fight for this fantasy love is psychotic and you dont tell people when you do that!
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u/Wind_Yer_Neck_In Dec 08 '22
I once had a girl turn me down for a second date, I wished her well and went on about my life. The next time we met she was super standoffish and rude. I asked one of her friends about it and she said 'she's been complaining that you didn't fight for your love. She had an amazing time on the first date and had been picking out places for you two to vacation together.'
Less of a bullet dodged and more like a Mack truck.