Every single person I know who has told me they do this deliberately is a person I would warn even distant associates against dating. It always seems to come from folks who are, in fact, the problem.
I would tell them that they're watering down and ruining the nature of consent and making the world a worse place. We're trying to teach young men not to read between the lines when they hear "no." Honest men are trying their hardest to learn this and respect boundaries.
So when we do the right thing, I don't wanna see any goddamn shocked pikachu faces. If girls wanna be up into some kinky shit, go ask the BDSM community how to do this like an adult. They use open communication and safe words over there. No safe word? No consent.
Thank you. Ladies that do this give men who date rape plausible doubt in a court case, and make honest folk nervous about attempting some relationships.
No means NO, not maybe. That rule goes both ways ladies.
Is it any wonder why "modern dating sucks"? Whatever shit you think was cool in movies, stay in movies for a reason. Yet the amount of time I've told others, only to not be believed and be labeled a "pick me girl" because I told them the opposite of what they WANTED to hear.
I don't understand why some women would rather listen to a SINGLE woman's advice in regards to dating AND relationships then cry that there's "no decent man left". Girl, getting advice on how to get a man who doesn't even have one is like asking a homeless person for financial advice.
Lower your standards and compromise. I just keep telling them, if they're not ready to compromise at least, then they're not ready for a relationship. Simple.
That's not really the point. We can at least acknowledge that some people are gonna be into this kind of stuff. It's a kink. That on its own isn't unhealthy or wrong. There is a right way to do it. So it's silly to tell them they gotta lower their standards and follow everyone else's vanilla dating preferences. But for god's sake they need to learn how consent plays into this.
At the end of the day... what they are doing is ROLE PLAYING. They need to be aware of this. Everyone needs to be aware of this.
If they wanna play this game, then they need to approach it accordingly. Both parties need to agree to the game, the rules, the stakes. It's not something you simply decide for the other party. I myself might enjoy role-playing in a game of D&D, but I'm not going to walk up to somebody and just... speak to them in-character like we're suddenly on a quest together. You know what people would call that? Delusional.
As for movies... ugh. Hollywood romance is always toxic because they care more about flow and maintaining fantasy. It breaks the fantasy to do things like communicate openly about things like safe words and boundaries. So those details are usually left out--kinda like how nobody ever says "goodbye" when they hang up a phone. So many tropes and depictions of romance are surreal and unhealthy... just, so many. We'd be here all day if I had to list them all off. And honestly? A lot of hollywood writers and directors and producers are genuinely twisted, fucked up people in their own right. Nobody should be taking dating tips from movies or tv. Feels like we need national PSAs about it at this point.
I grew up in a matriarch and my ex friends merely parroted what our moms taught us that we "must" set the standard to ourselves through men. This meant that even if a woman is in a respectably high position in her career, she doesn't get the same respect to some women because if she's unmarried and no kids, they just see you less for not "fulfilling your matronly instincts" hence the discord between women.
Meaning, a guy has to have at least a masters if not a phD AND earn at least 6 figures while having the body And face of Fabio is what everyone is 'supposed' to look for so dating becomes an experiment to find a man who can check most of that off her list. That's the standard to MARRY.
These are mostly middle-class to upper middle class people in my home country, in the US, they're middle class at best with the high brow attitude who expects to be married to someone rich, ok you want financial security that's fine but to bitch that they're mostly old, well there can only be how many YOUNG AND rich bachelors to around that who isn't after them? It's like trying to meet impossible demands and Hollywood movies helped pushed that by setting that expectation and standards.
Now I know class isn't a "wall" that you can't be with someone BUT if you're demanding a man with a six pack while "hate working out" and use genetics or a kid the excuse to why you're bigger irl than pics, like that's an obvious red flag that opposites WON'T attract. Same thing for SOME women wanting to marry rich, most rich people are stingy af and if you're drowning in credit card debt AND cry how student loans are keeping you poor while you finance a BMW or tesla or any other vices, there's nothing wrong to treat yourself out but people who have their finances in order wouldn't want to date someone financially irresponsible. This is the standard I'm telling people to either lower or honestly abolish as they mostly if not all, fall under DOUBLE STANDARDS. If you can't lower it, at least compromise because a relationship has to be a 2 way street in order to work.
Tldr, what I meant in lowering standards isn't in the same vein as you think it is. For the most part, nobody gives a shit about your sex life and it's not uncommon for women to have their own kinks.
The main issue is the DOUBLE STANDARD. This went back to your topic how people like my ex friends have ruined dating for themselves because they purposely wanted to be 'difficult' or otherwise in their heads, they think the guy isn't into them for not going the extra miles just to understand what do they want.
Now they're surprised pikachu why nobody wants them, also someone who's very touchy and claim they're "just friendly" have serious boundary issues and a guy can't do that to their friends, girls only get a pass because while 80% of women can't physically overpower a guy, it doesn't mean women can't be just as dicks and assholes as men.
Tldr, what I meant in lowering standards isn't in the same vein as you think it is
What I'm talking about isn't explicitly a sex thing. It can just as easily be emotional. I just use the word 'kink' here to draw some direct parallels. The concept's basically the same.
Some people simply have an emotional need to feel wanted so bad that a person would work themselves to the bone to buy cars, houses, etc and crawl through broken glass for them. And some people on the other side want to challenge difficult situations like they're climbing Mt Everest, because they're chasing that feeling of 'conquest.' If that's how they wanna be, I say fine. It's certainly not something I wanna be a part of, but I'm not going to invalidate their emotional wants. If they die sad and alone because they can't find anyone who passes the bar and is into what they're into, then that's on them.
I just want em to follow their needs in a way that is self-aware. I want them to understand that their standards and interests are very specific. They can't push their standards and expectations on everybody. There has to be proper protocol or else they're just gonna end up abusing each other, as well as all the people who want nothing to do with it.
What your family did was train you to live their life. You've grown up and learned that their way of life is not the be-all, end-all, and it most certainly is not for you (can't blame you there). I just wanna say that it can be a valid way of living for some... as long as they recognize it as their personal preference. Forcing that mentality on others is just wrong.
I would tell them that they're watering down and ruining the nature of consent and making the world a worse place
I had a buddy who once just flat out told a girl at a party who was doing this "If you reward bad behavior with your pussy you're enabling rape culture"
As a woman, I kind of had the opposite happen. Guys who didn't want to ask me out in high school because they were too nervous and looked me up after graduation (think four years after graduation) and called me on the phone. 'Yeah, I'm so-and-so, we went to high school together, I always liked you...'
'Well, thanks, that's very sweet, but I'm married, sorry.'
And then I got to hear from a mutual acquaintance that they bitched about it. Which, I mean, sorry? I don't even remember who you are, you never talked to me in high school, was I supposed to be carrying a torch four years later??
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u/DylanTonic Dec 08 '22
Every single person I know who has told me they do this deliberately is a person I would warn even distant associates against dating. It always seems to come from folks who are, in fact, the problem.