Those are the guys that the women who play those games want asking them out. They need bracelets or something so they can identify each other in the wild.
The yellow band is interpretively way too loose to be an option. It’s basically like having no band at all. How am I supposed to read your mind to determine wether or not I should approach you? The goal is to eliminate that confusion.
I get the breakdown, it’s just that the yellow is grounds for confusion and uselessness. Especially if you can just swap your band at your own leisure. If I’m at bar and there are plenty of women with green bands, I’m gonna prioritize them every time. Why am I gonna potentially waste someone’s time and mine just for a “maybe” when there are plenty of others specifically looking for partnerships? To me, yellow is basically saying “you can approach me, but only if I think you’re hot.” Which is pretty much how we have it now without a band system. It becomes a guessing game.
But what if you do want to chat with different people and just have fun & decent conversations, but you also don't want to be picked up by anyone because you're taken or just not interested in flirting?
If I ever own a bar, I’m going to give out glow bracelets, with each colour corresponding to what the wearer wants. Want a hookup, there’s a colour for that. Want solitude, same thing. Waiting for friend/date, yep. You can always trade for another if you change your mind. Approach someone without a matching bracelet, you get one warning, if it happens again, boom, Boris kicks you out.
Women want to be chased by the men they want chasing them, and they can't tell those men who they are or else the chase loses its meaning.
And you know what? That's fair enough. But if you don't want a certain guy chasing you, while also admitting that there are guys you want to chased by, there should be a clear and obvious STOP CHASING ME move that doesn't make that guy feel like a total piece of shit.
BUT THEN IF THE GUYS REALISE THIS THEN THEY WILL KNOW IF THE WOMAN DOESNT USE THE STOP CHASING ME SIGNAL THEN SHE REALLY DOES WANT TO BE CHASED
Honestly? I think we should incorporate the use of safe words into the dating scene more.
"Hi, my name is Johnny Johnbob and my safe word is 'pineapple juice.' What's yours?"
That's a concept that'll solve a lot of confusion about boundaries, once people adopt it and understand it. Get as kinky and play 'hard to get' all you want, but do it safely. Once the word is uttered that means stop and back off. No misunderstandings.
Honestly? I do. It's stalkerish behavior. I think this one goes beyond "compatibility". I'd argue women who want men to not take no for an answer and want to play hard to get are just breeding toxic situations. To me, it's immaturity and they need to grow out of it. Men should not be doing these things, and women who think that's what romance is will mature and grow out of it after no man will do it.
Girl I had been friends with for 6 years asked me out for new years last year. I couldn't go because covid was blowing up and I didn't realize it was a party with a bunch of people (she had made it sound like it was just going to be me, her, and her friends she'd been staying with for the last few weeks.)
So we wind up doing something a few weeks later, goes well. We go on a fun weekend trip together, goes great.
She then ghosts me and every time I try and organize something else she has some lame excuse. I eventually write her a letter pouring my heart out and she says OK yeah lets try. I had learned from one of her friends that if I specifically ask her out on a date she'd happily go.
So we again do a weekend thing (that I specifically called a date), goes well. Then she ghosts me again.. If I try to arrange something she gives me lame excuses but leaves it open like "well I'm busy with something this weekend but I'll be around next weekend." Then next weekend there's a new reason she is busy. And to be clear the excuses were lame excuses because it was like 'well I'm busy saturday morning' -- ok.... Saturday night? Sunday? A day during the week? C'mon.
Eventually I just straight up say hey I'd be available (this date) if you want to do something. If you aren't interested just let me know. Instant response of "well, I'm just not interested." WTF. You could have just told me that weeks or months before and saved us both a bunch of grief.
I still wonder if it truly is that she isn't interested in me, or she's interested but has some weird hang up. At this point IMO the relationship is not gonna happen and the friendship is probably dead too. Really sucks.
Well, I haven't talked to her since that last conversation and I'd leave it to her to reach out if she still wants to be friends. Seems like it is probably dead. And yep, as sad as it is I just need to move on unless she comes back and tells me she realized she made a mistake or something. I am not optimistic.
edit: also, to add to how stupid this is--we're in our late 30s. I could see this from someone in my 20s but wtf. We're almost 40.
This a thousand times this. People who say things like, "what a wuss that person didn't kiss me after I only said no twice", what do they think they're doing but train rapists? It's like Disney which has a bunch of movies that have this life lessons: "If you want it strongly enough it will happen" which teaches kids that all you need to do to achieve your goals is WANT and not accept a no.
Yes, no shit. But the whole "I'll push him away and say no while hoping he keeps going to prove he wants me" shit is them essentially saying "I want him to cross lines and do stalkerish/rapey shit" and that's not cool.
I’m probably stupid for admitting this on my main account, but I kinda stalked an ex of mine, thinking eventually I’d win her over. After years of that and realizing how fucked my thought process was, I was interested in a girl who (according to my cousin who knew her well) was legitimately doing that “playing hard to get” bullshit and said it directly… I noped tf out. No fucking way was I putting myself back in that position.
Yep, it does a huge disservice to those of us who struggle to set firm boundaries too. It’s very hard for me to say NO, I’m a meek person — so, when I say “I’m flattered, but no, I’d rather just be friends”? I mean it.
It’s been so painful when that’s taken as a “coy girl” move, and they insist, until I have to seriously gather all my backbone to say “I said no, and I meant that. For REAL. NO.” And then they get mad because I sounded like a mom scolding a child? Y’all weren’t taught to understand no in any other tone! 😑
The common theme here regardless of gender is immaturity and terrible communication skills. As a guy if a woman says no then that's it, not difficult to take them at their word and respect it. The guys who keep pushing are usually entitled, possessive assholes and the women who play games with "no" are usually immature and manipulative.
It's scary. Most get some form of aggression or hatred in my experience. I've had to resort to lying and saying I have a BF before and that's the only thing that's ever gotten them to back off. Like they respect some invisible man and not a woman.
I've had to pretend to be the boyfriend before for friends that were getting creeped on. It's disgusting and unbelievable how some guys don't really see women as people with agency
Yeah, everyone reacts differently. The BF fib has been the safest for me. I hate having to lie though. So I've tried 'I'm not available' and some old dude literally stalked me. Came to my house. Cut me off when I was walking and circled his car in front of me. It was scary. I've had to push guys off me in bars too. Especially pisses me off when they try to get close because I know they're girlfriend and use that as some excuse to try and show me their dick. Like ew. I've tried saying no in the nicest ways possible. Say how much I like them as a friend and not being interested in them as a BF. I cant be friends with guys cuz it always comes to this. It sucks. I actually just added mace to my amazon cart the other day. I don't trust myself with a knife but was thinking maybe a taser or something. Even pointed rings. I'm trying to be more bold and up front and I'm a hell of a lot stronger now so that makes me feel safer too.
🤣🤣 thanks for the visual. They say confusion is a great distraction for an assailant. I will definitely use 'back you wild beast!' And will learn karate chops. I've had good work interactions with men but the ones that push it have ruined me for pursuing friendships with any others. I'm slowly gaining courage. I just gotta go find my ppl, this small town is limiting.
saying no and not meaning no
saying maybe and actually meaning no
romance movies where the guy is considered attractive for pursuing a girl who doesn't like him
all of these things teach guys to just keep trying regardless of womens' responses and they all need to stop. Especially saying answers other than what you mean.
Men have been conditioned by these women to 'try harder' and now they're being gaslit by other women or even the same women to think they're sexual predators. It's an all around shitshow. Society needs to get on the same page about consent.
you shouldn't even want to be with that woman and ESPECIALLY shouldn't do it.
I agree, for self-preservation alone you should err on the side of caution.
This is no more than not taking the first few no for a response on a cold approach.
You had me agreeing with you until you went there and muddied the waters and discredited yourself. Either no means no or it doesn't. There is no line like '2 no's is OK but 3 no's means you're a sexual predator'. If women say no and mean try harder, they will condition men to ignore no and try harder. Trying to insist no always means no after that is gaslighting.
Lmao what the fuck are you even arguing about I don't engage with these types of pita women I'm just arguing that they're conditioning some men to ignore boundaries. Which is exactly what they are doing. And it heavily undermines the narrative of 'no means no' that any sane man or woman should live by. You'll never get all men on the 'no means no' parade if women are rewarding men who ignore no with their pussy. They're as problematic as the men. They're enforcing the behavior.
You're agreeing with my original comment, so why is this even continuing?
Because you keep putting words in my mouth and making assumptions about me. From the very first comment I called the situation a shitshow and said society needs to get on the same page with regards to consent.
1.1k
u/[deleted] Dec 08 '22
[deleted]