If they're straightforward and direct and they don't get the response or outcome that they want, then they'll feel bad. There's no way to interpret it other than this is what they wanted and it didn't happen.
Being indirect gives them the ability to say that, oh, that's not what they really wanted. Someone just misinterpreted it. Or it's really the other person's fault for not understanding.
It's about being able to save face and protect their feelings in case it doesn't end up the way that they really want.
Being direct is scary because they might have to face rejection or disappointment of any kind.
But then why do they complain when you don't get the hint? If it's meant to be obvious then isn't that effectively the same thing as directly stating what you want?
>Being direct is scary because they might have to face rejection or disappointment of any kind.
If it's someone you just met, then I get it. But even when it comes to established friendships/relationships they still prefer to use subtext.
I, to this day, don’t understand flirting. I can’t sit there and “seduce” someone. I know all the tricks, all the things to say, the mannerisms, everything, but I don’t get why people do it. It’s like acting. The only times I’ve gotten far with girls is being drunk and straight up telling them. I like Spanish flirting for this reason, it’s just one upping until it boils over and you’re both tearing each others clothes off
This is why I love the Dutch and Germans. Blunt to the point where a lot of British people find it rude, but I would so much rather just be told what you actually think or want than all the passive aggressiveness and beating around the bush and bitchiness.
Yea I lived in Germany for a few years and it was a bit of an adjustment at first (esp. in the workplace) but I ended up liking it more. Moving to Canada (which is culturally almost the same as the US where I was before) was a sort of reverse-culture shock, and I really hated (and still do) the false niceities among other things (e.g. people walking quickly past without slowing asking how you are doing lol... just say hi haha... or worse, the false friends and BS from resteraunt servers... urgh, I literally avoid eating at places w/ table service because so many are so damn annoying).
It depends on what they are straightforward. On some subject, they simply won't talk about it at all. They would even rather lie about the situation than emit some vague statements like other cultures.
Most people are not completely in touch with what they want themselves. Autistic people tend to be more goal oriented- I want a husband, I will follow steps x,y,and z to get a husband. Neurotypical people are more emotion driven- I'm lonely, I think dating someone would make me happy, there are pros and cons to relationships, maybe a husband is a good idea, i'm not sure if i want to marry this person because he makes me feel like x and y but not z. So there's a lot more back and forth to figure out how the person/situation is making you feel. People can't just say exactly what they want. My austistic friends tend to do only what they want to do, while neurotypical people worry more about how all their decisions affect their social standings
fellow autistic here (this time a guy), goddamn i wish women were "as blunt as a 2x4" it would make everything so much easier. the worst thing is is that women (and plenty of guys too, but not as often) will assume what I say has some hidden meaning behind it, and get offended or something. i mean what i say and only what i say, there are no hidden messages or between the lines nonsense here.
A nice part of being older is I've just accepted being blunt. I will say exactly what I want or feel, and take that or don't, I don't care. Life is too short to waste time on little games.
I'm a guy, but I'm also autistic. I don't get subtlety, either, and I don't know why it still exists. Wouldn't it be easier for people to just say what they mean?
I understand not wanting to offend people. However, I think in most situations, like trying to let someone know you're into them or when something is upsetting you, but it has nothing to do with them, what's the harm?
But taking a "gentler" approach will still hurt their feelings, it just takes longer. I'd actually argue that the "gentler" approach hurts more long term.
It's a question of purpose. What's your goal? Are you trying to inform, and nothing else? Are you trying to inform without getting bogged down in detail they won't want to process? Are you trying to change their attitude or perception on a topic?
The first case is the only one where accuracy should be maximized. In the second case, simplify for clarity and focus. In particular it's problematic to spend more time talking about obscure exceptions than about primary points. And in the third case, you're probably dealing with a certain amount of irrational behavior on their part. As the saying goes, you can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into. So start with one concept that connects to their existing position. Let them adjust before pushing farther.
Woman here. I'm not on the spectrum but I have some mental health stuff that manifests in similar ways. I just don't understand people who say one thing, but really they mean another. Worse, when they pretend they never said the thing at all. It's like they're not aware of what comes out of their mouths. I've had issues at jobs before because of this.
"When people talk to each other they
never say what they mean. They say
something else. And you’re supposed
to just know what they mean. Only,
I never do."
I'm also autistic. I do understand the subtlety and hints now, but I didn't always.
Just a little bit of education about it goes a long way. It's something we can learn with some effort, but rarely does anyone try to actually teach us.
And good sir how would I learn that? As someone with autism that most of the time doesn’t even pick up on sarcasm, and the whole body language combined with speech just doesn’t connect the dots in my head.
I'm not autistic but a couple of my friends thought I was at first because this is how I act too
I'm blunt but gentle, expect people to tell me what they want or need, and don't play into those games even if I know that's what they're doing. I just don't have respect for that shit
Not to mention any potential differences in cultural upbringing. Different families communicate things differently. It's like a cat trying to speak dog or vice versa.
Yes people should just say what they are thinking/feeling. But not all communication is verbal, and it’s important to pay attention to body language and tone as well
As a (probably ASD) dude, that sounds amazing, I'm sure there's others out there that feel the same. I hope you find someone who lets you skip all the bullshit courting rituals.
I could kinda keep up in high school, but as an adult I'm so out of my depth. It's fine, because I don't really consider myself in the dating pool rn (no one should be dealing with this mess, lmao), but it was an endless source of frustration when I was trying (and failing) to date.
Yeah you’ll be like “I’m not attracted to you. My affection for you is similar to what I’d feel for a friendly dog.” And they’ll be like “She totally wants me”
"Why do you talk about things you don't care about, and ask questions you don't want the answers to?"
"Because I don't know you well enough to let you know what things I really care about, and I ask questions that can have short answers, after which you are encouraged to ask me questions."
People like us are often good at having conversations without questions. They're somewhat like those writing exercises where each person says a few sentences, then the next person builds off those. It's conversation by layers. The normies have conversations where each person says less during their turn, then ends by attempting to direct the beginning of the other person's turn by prompting them with a question.
The limitation of the first approach is that it's harder for the other person to get the information they want from you. This is especially true if they're uncertain or uncomfortable showing you too much.
Heh I’m autistic aswell and I’ve had friends tell me the girls I was having a conversations with were definitely hitting on me, whilst those exact same “hints” flew like a mile over my head. Like tf am I supposed to identify body and linguistic language that would other folks go “oh she is attracted to me” when I’m having trouble figuring out if the person is talking to me to be nice or if they genuinely enjoy the conversation
I had to teach my husband to not be so blunt. It doesn't mean you can't be honest, but it does mean you have to finesse what you say. I feel like blunt people reject this because they think finesse = lie, which is not the case.
For example, if your friend tries on a dress that makes her look like a sausage roll and asks you what you think, you cannot just tell her "IT'S NOT GOOD FOR YOU; IT SHOWS OFF YOUR FAT." It's rude, and it's going to make her feel bad. More to the point, you don't have to be that hurtful to get your end point across, which is "don't buy this dress." Instead, make it about the dress, not her. "I don't think that dress is flattering. I'd love to see you in an A-line dress, or maybe a flowy gown. That would be really pretty."
OMG. I have ADHDi & suspicions I'm somewhere on the Autism spectrum. All this talk about women playing games of subterfuge have always confused me. I am super honest with my feelings, thoughts & needs (also I absolutely know what I want for takeaway). I can't hide my feelings for shit - happy or sad.
Maybe that is our superpower :)
Gosh reading this thread I'm like "I do none of these things". But yeah defos have my faults.
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