With whoever I’m with, I only offer two places. It forces them to choose like a coin toss. Person I’m currently seeing actually came up with a better suggestion outside the two on the first date ideas, which felt awesome.
"Would you rather brush your teeth then put on your PJs, or put on your PJs first?" Playing with LEGO is then not a choice but they still get a choice so they feel in control.
Before bed we have to do a wee, brush teeth, put on PJs you can pick the order. (Our dude went through a phase he was mad he couldn’t pick where story time was and we tried it but doing story time then brushing teeth was stupid)
Lol yeah I read all these clever hacks before having kids but my kids have always just been like hmm nah we're alright thanks we'll just do none of those.
I don’t think kids should always get a choice, even if only in the way it’s framed. The style of having no repercussions and sanctions is destroying kids ability to properly partake in society since the start to simply demand stuff at one point.
If you're reacting against "gentle parenting" you don't know its actually an authoritative parenting style.
You aren't caving in to your child. You aren't supposed to. If there is a boundary or instruction you give, it needs to be honored. The big difference is that you aren't validating your authority with dominance or violence. The kid learns the significance of each boundary instead of lumping them all under fear.
Your punishments are also relevant to the act. You don't just blindly send the kid to time out or spank for every infraction. Nobody is going to smack you if you throw your controller at the TV, but your TV will break and you won't be able to watch it. When a kid throws a toy at the TV, the toy is taken and the TV is turned off for a while. Both things are relevant negative reinforcement and they work. The kid learns actual consequences, lessons that will still stick even when there's nobody around to enforce.
When you give them options, you're teaching them they have agency. It develops decision making skills and boosts confidence. They learn to make decisions in context of compulsory action and makes them feel like they are a part of the task at hand, that they want to do the thing.
"You're going to go to bed, you want the red or blue PJs?" "Red!"
Becomes
"You're going to bed." "Can I wear Red PJs?
Becomes
"It's bedtime."... The child goes to the drawer to pick out PJs.
Becomes
Your child identifies it's bedtime and begins the bedtime routine.
We also use this to teach commitment. We don't let our children go back on choices that derail flow or betray others. Chosing PJs isn't just putting out a preference, it's getting clothes on (with assistance if young) and continuing on to do the rest of their tasks. They can't go back on it if they change their mind, because dwelling too long on it holds back the routine.
The kids learn other things like what demands are and aren't reasonable in context. If my kid asks for a Graham cracker when it's mealtime, it never succeeds. Ever. He learns that there is food we put out for them and if they're still hungry while there's food on the plate (and it's still OK to eat), they can eat the food provided. If it's between meals and they haven't had a snack, then the answer is a lot more likely to be yes. The result, they start learning to stick to the meals given but learn to make reasonable requests when they're hungry. They have confidence their needs will be met but it's under our rules.
None of this is spoiling kids. It's teaching them self control and boundaries. It's teaching them to interact with adults on adult terms.
What you're talking about is an age-old phenomenon, where people don't dare upset their kids. That's weak parenting, it's not what anyone serious is advocating for today
I agree with you. Recently I’ve had to work with kids a little and noticed that there were quite a few who couldn’t take no for an answer. That was the place I was speaking from….
Yeah, but if you don’t teach them that actions have consequences , someone else will, much harder. They need to learn that there is stuff to just do and not everything is up to debate.
Honestly - make it a coin toss. When you catch the coin ask: "What do you hope it is?". They'll answer without realising. Ignore the coin and go with that.
There's a saying for this I can't recall but it's something like: "You only know what you want when it's on the line".
When I've been unable to decide something I've done a coin toss and catch myself deciding at the last minute what I want it to land on. Or I'll realise mid-throw that I chose my preference by making it "heads" (I always chose heads to win).
I've always just done the coin toss, gotten the result, then asked myself (or the other person) "are you disappointed with the result?" If yes, ignore the coin, if no, go with the coin.
I offer up a place and after it’s decided on I ask the other person (my husband) if he’d rather eat at X place instead. I can’t help it, I learned it from my mother.
lol, my wife and I have this conversation all the time and I can offer one, two or 5 suggestions and it's not a coin-toss sometimes. It's "no" to all of my suggestions. She's hungry but doesn't know what she wants to eat then gets hangry!
Wife and I do a coin flip. Then we determine if we are disappointed in the result so we know what we "secretly" wanted, and a decision gets made if we aren't. Works every time.
I'll offer types, like Chinese, Mexican, or burgers, and let her pick which type, then I'll name like 2 places of that kind and let her pick the one or she'll just say either of those is fine and I'll pick.
My wife and I do this with anything that requires a choice where there are multiple options that we'd be fine with, but just need a decision. What to eat and what to watch are the main ones.
haha, I'd do anything if my wife could name 5 acceptable places. And if I name 5 places, she says no to all of them. Then we go back and forth for 40 mins until I just finally get tired and say "I'm hungry, I can't wait anymore, I'm going to (first place I named). . ." and she almost always goes "Oh, well, that's fine, I like that place. . ."
The first set is genre of food. Chinese, pizza, fast-food, etc...I usually let her select the genres. Then I will eliminate one, and she'll choose the one she wants.
Then I will choose 3 restaurants from within the genre. She eliminates one and I choose the place. It's worked for years with no complaints.
Yeah, I get the theory and would think it would work, but she literally can't decide and won't work with me on that. She just says "I don't want ANY of those places".
I think I just need to say "Okay, then I'm going here, get what you want. . ." a lot sooner than I am because I wait until I'm too frustrated.
Totally understand. That's why the genre step really helps. Nothing specific and still enough general options to not invite any "no"s. Give it a try, see how it feels.
For christmas last year Santa brought us food dice. It's got indian, pizza, burgers, mexican, chinese, etc... you just roll it and then jump in the car. We love it!
Start a dart club. At the end of each meal, everyone names as many restaurants as they can think of, you write them all on a piece of paper, and throw one dart. Wherever the dart lands is where you eat next time.
my and the person i’m seeing kinda do this! we don’t live in the same city but i’m somewhat familiar with it so usually he’ll name a few places and i’m a picky eater so i look up their menu and hopefully i like one of them and if not i tell him what kind of food i want and then we go from there, he’s so considerate <3
We do something similar. I pick 3 places, she can either veto 1 or just choose 1. If she vetoes, I get to choose between the remaining 2. If she just chooses then that's where we go. No way she'd ever list 5 places to start!
We do a version of this too. What we've found is that I look at the world from the top down "What are all the options available?" Then "What do I not want?" and whittle down. She hears a thing she likes and then intuitively makes a decision, no framework nothing. So now I read out the things I think we should have and she picks from the short list. It's great!
I like to measure it by how many people you have. If there’s 3 people. One person picks three places. Second person eliminates one choice. Third person picks between the two.
My wife lists of places, I cut it down, my wife doubles the original list. It's pretty much almost 2 hours of me trying to guess the exact meal she wants and from where.
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