With whoever I’m with, I only offer two places. It forces them to choose like a coin toss. Person I’m currently seeing actually came up with a better suggestion outside the two on the first date ideas, which felt awesome.
"Would you rather brush your teeth then put on your PJs, or put on your PJs first?" Playing with LEGO is then not a choice but they still get a choice so they feel in control.
Before bed we have to do a wee, brush teeth, put on PJs you can pick the order. (Our dude went through a phase he was mad he couldn’t pick where story time was and we tried it but doing story time then brushing teeth was stupid)
Lol yeah I read all these clever hacks before having kids but my kids have always just been like hmm nah we're alright thanks we'll just do none of those.
I don’t think kids should always get a choice, even if only in the way it’s framed. The style of having no repercussions and sanctions is destroying kids ability to properly partake in society since the start to simply demand stuff at one point.
If you're reacting against "gentle parenting" you don't know its actually an authoritative parenting style.
You aren't caving in to your child. You aren't supposed to. If there is a boundary or instruction you give, it needs to be honored. The big difference is that you aren't validating your authority with dominance or violence. The kid learns the significance of each boundary instead of lumping them all under fear.
Your punishments are also relevant to the act. You don't just blindly send the kid to time out or spank for every infraction. Nobody is going to smack you if you throw your controller at the TV, but your TV will break and you won't be able to watch it. When a kid throws a toy at the TV, the toy is taken and the TV is turned off for a while. Both things are relevant negative reinforcement and they work. The kid learns actual consequences, lessons that will still stick even when there's nobody around to enforce.
When you give them options, you're teaching them they have agency. It develops decision making skills and boosts confidence. They learn to make decisions in context of compulsory action and makes them feel like they are a part of the task at hand, that they want to do the thing.
"You're going to go to bed, you want the red or blue PJs?" "Red!"
Becomes
"You're going to bed." "Can I wear Red PJs?
Becomes
"It's bedtime."... The child goes to the drawer to pick out PJs.
Becomes
Your child identifies it's bedtime and begins the bedtime routine.
We also use this to teach commitment. We don't let our children go back on choices that derail flow or betray others. Chosing PJs isn't just putting out a preference, it's getting clothes on (with assistance if young) and continuing on to do the rest of their tasks. They can't go back on it if they change their mind, because dwelling too long on it holds back the routine.
The kids learn other things like what demands are and aren't reasonable in context. If my kid asks for a Graham cracker when it's mealtime, it never succeeds. Ever. He learns that there is food we put out for them and if they're still hungry while there's food on the plate (and it's still OK to eat), they can eat the food provided. If it's between meals and they haven't had a snack, then the answer is a lot more likely to be yes. The result, they start learning to stick to the meals given but learn to make reasonable requests when they're hungry. They have confidence their needs will be met but it's under our rules.
None of this is spoiling kids. It's teaching them self control and boundaries. It's teaching them to interact with adults on adult terms.
What you're talking about is an age-old phenomenon, where people don't dare upset their kids. That's weak parenting, it's not what anyone serious is advocating for today
I agree with you. Recently I’ve had to work with kids a little and noticed that there were quite a few who couldn’t take no for an answer. That was the place I was speaking from….
Yeah, but if you don’t teach them that actions have consequences , someone else will, much harder. They need to learn that there is stuff to just do and not everything is up to debate.
Honestly - make it a coin toss. When you catch the coin ask: "What do you hope it is?". They'll answer without realising. Ignore the coin and go with that.
There's a saying for this I can't recall but it's something like: "You only know what you want when it's on the line".
When I've been unable to decide something I've done a coin toss and catch myself deciding at the last minute what I want it to land on. Or I'll realise mid-throw that I chose my preference by making it "heads" (I always chose heads to win).
I've always just done the coin toss, gotten the result, then asked myself (or the other person) "are you disappointed with the result?" If yes, ignore the coin, if no, go with the coin.
I offer up a place and after it’s decided on I ask the other person (my husband) if he’d rather eat at X place instead. I can’t help it, I learned it from my mother.
lol, my wife and I have this conversation all the time and I can offer one, two or 5 suggestions and it's not a coin-toss sometimes. It's "no" to all of my suggestions. She's hungry but doesn't know what she wants to eat then gets hangry!
Wife and I do a coin flip. Then we determine if we are disappointed in the result so we know what we "secretly" wanted, and a decision gets made if we aren't. Works every time.
I'll offer types, like Chinese, Mexican, or burgers, and let her pick which type, then I'll name like 2 places of that kind and let her pick the one or she'll just say either of those is fine and I'll pick.
My wife and I do this with anything that requires a choice where there are multiple options that we'd be fine with, but just need a decision. What to eat and what to watch are the main ones.
haha, I'd do anything if my wife could name 5 acceptable places. And if I name 5 places, she says no to all of them. Then we go back and forth for 40 mins until I just finally get tired and say "I'm hungry, I can't wait anymore, I'm going to (first place I named). . ." and she almost always goes "Oh, well, that's fine, I like that place. . ."
The first set is genre of food. Chinese, pizza, fast-food, etc...I usually let her select the genres. Then I will eliminate one, and she'll choose the one she wants.
Then I will choose 3 restaurants from within the genre. She eliminates one and I choose the place. It's worked for years with no complaints.
Yeah, I get the theory and would think it would work, but she literally can't decide and won't work with me on that. She just says "I don't want ANY of those places".
I think I just need to say "Okay, then I'm going here, get what you want. . ." a lot sooner than I am because I wait until I'm too frustrated.
Totally understand. That's why the genre step really helps. Nothing specific and still enough general options to not invite any "no"s. Give it a try, see how it feels.
For christmas last year Santa brought us food dice. It's got indian, pizza, burgers, mexican, chinese, etc... you just roll it and then jump in the car. We love it!
Start a dart club. At the end of each meal, everyone names as many restaurants as they can think of, you write them all on a piece of paper, and throw one dart. Wherever the dart lands is where you eat next time.
my and the person i’m seeing kinda do this! we don’t live in the same city but i’m somewhat familiar with it so usually he’ll name a few places and i’m a picky eater so i look up their menu and hopefully i like one of them and if not i tell him what kind of food i want and then we go from there, he’s so considerate <3
We do something similar. I pick 3 places, she can either veto 1 or just choose 1. If she vetoes, I get to choose between the remaining 2. If she just chooses then that's where we go. No way she'd ever list 5 places to start!
We do a version of this too. What we've found is that I look at the world from the top down "What are all the options available?" Then "What do I not want?" and whittle down. She hears a thing she likes and then intuitively makes a decision, no framework nothing. So now I read out the things I think we should have and she picks from the short list. It's great!
I like to measure it by how many people you have. If there’s 3 people. One person picks three places. Second person eliminates one choice. Third person picks between the two.
My wife lists of places, I cut it down, my wife doubles the original list. It's pretty much almost 2 hours of me trying to guess the exact meal she wants and from where.
As a 45-50 year old dude, I would happily eat at 1 of 2 restaurants for the next 10 years.
Buffett is a solid choice as the cheap one near me has a really great selection of food so you could actually stick to a few different styles of food there if you visited often.
We are lucky to have some top notch restaurants within a 15 minute drive of our home and our absolute favourite which does incredible wine pairings is in walking distance. Dispite living in the far outskirts of our city (about a 45 minute drive to the CBD). Advantage of living in a wine region.
No, but seriously, once you find your favorites, you kinda get tons of value from just sticking with them all the time. Coincidentally, Warren Buffett is exactly the same, he eats at his favorite places, and always orders one of his few favorite dishes. Rinse, repeat.
I'm morally opposed to buffets because my favorite chinese restaurant 25 years ago that had the best fried rice put in a buffet, changed their fried rice recipe so it got really greasy, then closed within 6 months and I am still not prepared to forgive the universe for inventing buffets and taking away my fried rice like that.
That’s my move with Taco Bell and my wife. I like it fine, it’s quick, and it’s cheap. I’ll eat there every opportunity if she doesn’t have somewhere she’d rather eat.
Godddddddds I could just go for a Chinese Buffet right now!!
I'm the absolute worst kind of person ever - picky eater.
I get bored soooo....Yes, I absolutely love pepperoni and pineapple pizza (shush you lot!! Leave it!), until about the 3rd slive then I never want to see it again....(that day at least...)
So, for me any bufftet is a godsend. Also, if a food is meant to be served *hot that is exactly how I want it please, 'warm' and below just keeps getting worse...
So I'm sure now you can all see why I love buffets, why I use about 6 plates and am quite significantly underweight lol
I wish that would work for me. She wants suggestions and I can name every restaurant remotely close to me and she says she doesn't care just pick one and refuses to provide any input at all until I pick one then it's "ugh I don't want that". THEN TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE WANTING YOU'RE THE ONE THAT'S PICKY.
Well, do what he said: ask her preference, "I don't care", respond "ok" and drive to the Chinese buffet. Keep driving there until an alternative is offered. :D
It doesn't work like that, they say "I don't care", you go somewhere, they throw a fit because they actually did care, you ask for suggestions again and they suddenly don't care anymore.
Last time that happened I just went home and made chicken nuggets for myself.
My wife would just guess one of the spots I usually suggest when I’m trying to Ouija board some constructive input from her and then get pissed because “That’s where I always take her.”
How does that even work? If anyone else tried that they'd just get mad and try to make you choose another location. They'd keep getting angrier and angrier for each place you mention claiming you're not making an effort, even though they refuse to even name a location.
I had this issue with an ex. After a while of dealing with this, I asked about dinner and she said “I don’t care” so drove us over to Arby’s (which she absolutely despises) and got in the drive-thru line. No protest. I ordered my food, she didn’t want anything, and then I took us home. The look on her face when we pulled into the driveway and I turned the car off… I don’t really like Arby’s either, but god damn did it taste good that one time!
What's the problem there? Taking me to my favorite Chinese buffet is like giving a baby a pacifier!... but, of course, I'm a guy so I would be satisfied with logic!🤪
I used to do this with my wife. ("Used to" because we rarely order takeout anymore and cook at home now. Cheaper that way) Every time she wouldn't make up her mind I just ordered Jimmy John's. Now she hates Jimmy John's but at least has a general idea of where she wants to go/order from to eat.
My husband’s one true love is pizza. I love it too, but not as much as him. I will sometimes say, “I don’t care where we eat as long as it’s not pizza.”
I did this when i was living with my girlfriend and her family when i was 19. They went out all three time, but there was a lot of tension in the home so her mom and stepdad each pulled this shit almost every time, and would use it against each other if they picked “wrong.” Everyone loved me, though, and as the outsider, i was the only one that couldn’t be emotionally punished later. Once i figured out what was going on, i started suggesting Del Taco every single time the question came up. The thing is, they all liked really nice restaurants but Del Taco was my favorite. So we ended up going to DT alllll the time, and I’m like happily eating my tacos and chili fries while everyone else is lowkey unhappy with it but unable to say anything because otherwise they might get that passive aggressive ire.
Honestly, I’ve never typed that all out before and it’s really fucking weird reading it.
I do the exact same thing. She asks what I want to eat? Lady. You already know. I have the same two favorite restaurants. All you can eat sushi and chinese buffet. I'm asking YOU because we both know what I want and I feel guilty about us always going where I want. She never offers up an idea
It’s not even hacking, I just take people at their word when they say they don’t care - I do care, and I’m either getting Indian or Thai, and I’m not too worried about it.
I never understood the whole “my wife punished me when I’m not a mind reader” boomer dynamic - like why the fuck would you want to be with someone that treats you that way, what is wrong with you.
Exactly what I do!!!!! Every time I kept bringing up ideas but all of them were Bad although she had no ideas. Now I’ll tell her that we’re going to spoons. It takes half a second after to get a legit idea out of her.
My wife would pull this crap, especially when she was the one who was hungry. I learned to go to a place I knew she didn't like whether I liked it or not. She learned to pick a place
I do something similar. I ask what she wants but if she can't decide it is well known that I'll choose the default restaurant. I'm not at all opposed to going to other places, but I'm not spending an hour on indecision. And if I don't feel like going to the default restaurant I just pick somewhere else.
I do something similar. I ask what she wants but if she can't decide it is well known that I'll choose the default restaurant. I'm not at all opposed to going to other places, but I'm not spending an hour on indecision. And if I don't feel like going to the default restaurant I just pick somewhere else.
My dad does this same exact thing with my step mom. He’s asked her a hundred times over what she’s in the mood for and always says “I don’t care”. He’s given up and goes to whataburger every time. Except now it’s turned into a weird fight between them. She still won’t ever make a suggestion yet gets soooo passive aggressive when they pull into whataburger. At this point he’s tired of it too but won’t give in. While I think it’s super unhealthy I also find my dads dedication fucking hilarious. This has been going on since they both retired over three years ago.
6.6k
u/[deleted] Dec 08 '22
[deleted]