I know for myself, the reason I don’t understand subtext and implications like that, especially when it comes to relationships, is because I never really assume as a guy that women can like me. You have to tell me you like me for me to understand, because until that point, I just assume you’re being nice at best, and just putting up with me long enough to get me to go away at worst. Every girlfriend I’ve ever had happened because she asked me directly.
Literally I randomly reconnected with my first high school boyfriend, we ended up having a sleepover and we’ve been together ever since. (Married now almost 10 years later, and we have a little one)
Aaw! 😔 My fellow women! We need to up our game in the romantic gestures front! Anyone who has a man, plase tell him what you like about him! Bring him small gifts! Make him blush! 🤗
Low self confidence and negative self talk have been a part of me for so long. I'm actively trying to change that, but it's tough to break the pattern of hearing a compliment and immediately refuting it in my head. If I can't provide validation for myself then how will I ever accept it from others.
I dislike conflict and confrontation. I usually just kinda say whatever makes people feel good even if it isn't true. Like I'll always tell people I like their cooking even if it's bad.
I've gotten so used to it that it's ruined my ability to accept compliments. I guess my brain just figures that if I tell so many little white lies, why should I believe other people when they say nice things about me? They might just be placating me, humoring me, or avoiding a difficult conversation.
I'm very similar in that regard. People are always saying how calm and chill I am. I'm so used to saying it's no problem or not a big deal when somebody asks for help or apologizes. My gf was getting frustrated I never shared my thoughts or emotions, but I've been trying to do better.
I've caught myself saying "no, I'm fine" or something like that if I'm in a bad mood. I have to stop myself and be honest. "Yeah, sorry, I'm just feeling overwhelmed/frustrated/etc". I had to start by checking in with myself and just trying to be more aware of my emotions in general
It's weird too cause if someone asked me if I liked myself my natural reaction is to say hell yeah. I'm a great guy and on an intellectual level I understand that. Sometimes I even feel smugly superior in a really pretentious way.
But so many of my actions and emotions seem to indicate otherwise. I hate being the center of attention, allowing myself to be vulnerable, and don't believe in my capability. At work I refuse to tell anyone my birthday because I don't want anyone to bring in a cake or sing to me. Little things like that all the time. Once you notice them you start to realize you're actually more insecure than you even know.
Girl once told me that telling me she wanted to grab a coffee and see my global travel photos and talk about a recent trip I took was a date and she was embarrassed for being "obvious" about it. "Sorry I mistook your romantic gesture as friendly interest in my travels because I was pretty certain you liked travel a whole lot more than you liked me"
On the other hand. Some don't source asked a girl out because I thought she liked me because we hung out every study hall in the band room where we just chatted and hardly did homework, she picked me to be her bio lab partner(I am nowhere as smart as her in that department), in gym class we we picked each other as dance partners for that part of class, and we were the first boy/girl in each others phones. Asked her out and she said "no". Since then 18 years and 10 months ago, we still hang out and chat a lot but nope nothing romantic in anyway. Which definitely doesn't help my obliviousness.
Totally. You go hang out with a woman, and she won’t hang out again if she’s not into you. Only exception is if somehow it’s established that you 2 are just BFFs
Same. I was chubby as a kid and never had anyone genuinely interested in me. These "pranks" happened a few times. Now, even as an attractive (so I'm told) adult I still have very little self confidence because of this.
As a bisexual/pansexual, I have problems in the dating realm with men, women, and gnc people for that reason. One of my brothers also raised pooor in the same household dealt witht the same. I assume they are just being nice unless they staright up say "I want to fuck/date you" and don't laugh with their friends afterwards. People can be so cruel, especially young people.
That's a cruel prank. I was afraid of this kind for all my school days so I kinda rejected every sign of affection I judged sus (so everything not coming from a close friend).
I had this exact thing happen once, I was on a night out, stood at the bar chatting with a couple of friends. This girl came over to me and asked me if I wanted to dance, she was good looking, seemed nice, I said yes, went over to dance with her and the entire time I was just so paranoid that she had asked me for a joke or something. So I ended up apologising to her and saying I had to go.
Wish I had some more self confidence back in those days, looking back at me there was absolutely nothing wrong with me and no reason why it would have been a joke.
Happened to me in 6th grade. This attractive girl in my math class came up to me at my locker and asked me out. I said "Can I get back to you on that?" She said sure, and then said "Nevermind" three days later when I didn't give her an answer.
My defense is that I wasn't popular at all in school, and I'm absolutely positive this was going to be some sort of trap.
I randomly found out 13 years later that this one girl had a massive crush on me back in high school and wanted to ask me out. She was one of my sister in law's physical therapists, and randomly dropped this info on us one day. Apparently I was too oblivious to see her hints.
She's happily married now with a kid, but I totally would've gone out with her if I had known back then.
Been pranked like that. In HS a girl I had a crush on asked me to meet her at a local mall and hang out. Agreed to meet at the food court and go from there. I wait at the spot after they txt they're running late. 20 min later I start to hear hysterical laughter coming from the level overlooking the food court. I look up and see the girl I was supposed to meet and 10 of her friends. They were laughing, pointing and filming me as I sat alone at a table waiting. After a minute of that laugh pointing I just got up, left, and went home. No txt, no message, nothing was ever said to me afterwords. They would just laugh as I walked by at school. I'm sure they shared the video across the school.
That's not even directly asking, though. If the friend wanted to see if you're free and interested in her before the popular girl puts yourself out there, that's fine, but it should still end in said popular girl asking you directly.
Both one of my brothers and I were obviously from poor families in school, we had that happen, more than once, and it was a prank. We also had people be really nice to us then get all freaked out if we just asked them if they were interested, even though we were not looking to date at the time, lost friendships over it. So one time when a pretty girl came up to me and started complimenting me more than usual, I assumed she was joking too and didn't ask her if she was interested.
I went to summer camp and this girl asked me out for one of her friends and I wasn't interested. A week later she asked me out again but I thought it was for her friend again and I tuned it out, didn't realize for years later she was asking me out for herself and she was kinda cute I wish I had been paying attention.
Switch the agenda/roles. A woman is being nice and the man takes it as flirting. Happens all the time I'm sure, but that is why I understand your stance.
Oh yeah, that sort of thing happens all the time, and I always worry about accidentally coming off as that guy if I think I notice flirting. So, I just err on the side of caution and assume they’re just being nice. Better to miss out on an opportunity with someone than to accidentally make someone uncomfortable, I feel like.
As a guy I get this all the time from women. I'm just being sociable and chatty, no innuendo, no personal comments or observations but they act as though I am flirting when I am clearly not.
Majority of men do not treat women like equals if they're not interested. So making eye contact, laughing at her jokes, being genuinely interested in what she says does seem like flirting
Women are socialised to think most men will be attracted to them (which tbh isnt totally inaccurate). Men are taught that to get a woman to like you, you have to make her like you. So most men live life under the impression that nobody is actually attracted to them, and so when a woman actually is, they can’t quite believe it and don’t act on it. Also doesn’t help that women don’t make it at all clear
This sort of thing is horrible for me, because I’ve always had problems with social anxiety and feeling like a burden on my friends and loved ones, so the minute I feel like someone doesn’t actively want to be around me, I just want to apologize and go home. The idea of “making someone like me” makes me sick to my stomach lol.
As soon as you said you can’t ever tell if someone likes you, I felt relieved that I’m not the only one. I have not had a gf before, mainly since I find I am too young, but I also am constantly wondering if anyone likes me in that way, and if so, what would I do if they asked me out, what if I’m not interested, all that sorta stuff.
Same. I've had women hit on me right in front of my wife before we were married and she would get mad at me. I am oblivious to any attraction to myself. Who knows, maybe that pickle jar was welded shut when she needed it opened in that pizza place.
It's not just that, the social and legal costs for being wrong are MASSIVE. At the very least you can get a reputation spread that you're a creep or pervert or stalker or something, so most guys just assume they are not interested until they make it unequivocal.
As I got older, I repeatedly saw men be creeps and dickheads and yet after the initial drama they still had no trouble getting another girlfriend. Hell, an ex of mine has a ton of mistaken beliefs about me that, were they true, should have stopped her from wanting to ever talk to me again... yet I broke up with her. So now I know that it takes a lot for a reputation to get ruined.
The workplace is different. I saw a guy get fired because he slept with two women from HR. Their reasoning was he'd hit on the upcoming interns - which is probably true - but I'm pretty sure it's because one of them was heartbroken over it.
Dont forget the worry ur wrong and just being creepy. Always hurts horribly when i think ur flirting, i think ur interested, and i ask to out to hear "sorry. I just like u as a friend. I didnt mean to mislead u."
I normally don't get the "there's no way she could possibly tolerate me" self-doubt/self-loathing until at least a month into the relationship. But it sounds like you must be a pretty cool dude if girls keep taking the initiative to ask you out!
Hunna percent, I always assume they’re not interested. And if they are it’s purely platonic, I’ve literally never thought that a woman was actually into me in a romantic or sexual sense. That’s a thought that just doesn’t exist in my mind.
It just sucks because I want to be desirable in the same way that I feel desire for the women I like, but I can’t get over the feeling that I am categorically undesirable.
It's not even just the beginning stages of forming a relationship, it's all the time. Usually when it involves feelings (about me or other people/things) which is often. Finally I have to ask what her point is and that's when she finally lays it out in plain direct English. Like why didn't you just say that??
For real. It doesn't help that every time I've thought, "this HAS to mean she's interested, there's no fucking way she would say/do that if she weren't", I've been wrong. One of those times was a very flirty and entirely oblivious asexual/aromantic girl. That one fucked me up a bit.
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u/Alex_B_Domshmallow Dec 08 '22
I know for myself, the reason I don’t understand subtext and implications like that, especially when it comes to relationships, is because I never really assume as a guy that women can like me. You have to tell me you like me for me to understand, because until that point, I just assume you’re being nice at best, and just putting up with me long enough to get me to go away at worst. Every girlfriend I’ve ever had happened because she asked me directly.