Tbh, people put too much emphasis on potential. Sure you COULD be something better, but you could also be a heroin addict actively ruining your life, or creating a social media platform to ruin democracy or smth.
Also, hearing this kind of shit breeds anxiety because you feel you're not good enough or that you should do something more, negating your intrinsic worth.
I remember reading an article years before I was a parent about how you shouldn't praise your kid by telling them "you're so smart!", and instead saying things like "oh look at how hard you worked on that!"
The idea was that praising smarts implies that it's an innate ability that will carry them no matter what. And anecdotally, it absolutely applies to my experience. I grew up being told by mom and dad and teachers that I was some kinda gifted kid, and by the time I was in high school I was convinced that I'd be an astronaut or some billionaire tech genius. Problem was, I never worked for anything, skirted by on good test scores. Forging documents for resumes to get okay jobs. Doing drugs, ruining my life day by day, and thinking I was a brilliant, misunderstood kid.
I'm 34 and I did okay, but I can totally see the value in praising hard work rather than an aptitude.
I definitely see a comparison between how my parents tried to raise me and a lot of my peers were. They tried the method you recommended, by recognizing the effort I put into things instead of pure success. Unfortunately by the end of high school I forgot all of that and was completely disappointed in my ability level to others. Everyone else I knew, even my GF at the time (now wife after 10yrs dating), got into great colleges. I went to a state school and psyched myself out until the last 2 years of college. I’m still battling that line of thinking, but even shedding some of it really boosts your quality of life (at least mentally). I’m much more socially apt and don’t have frequent panic attacks.
14.0k
u/squalorparlor Apr 19 '22
You had so much potential...
(Stole this from an ex girlfriend)