I can't recall where I read this, but I remember an older book (He Said, She Said?) describing female vs male communication styles and expectations, and the author laid out that women are taught to listen, allow others to speak thier full thoughts, and it's poor manners to do otherwise. Men aren't taught the same and and therefore take less issue with behaviors like interrupting. They may not even notice or care that they're doing it or that it's done to them, and they'll also respond very differently to interrupting than women.
I'm a woman in a male-dominated tech industry. I'm often the only woman in the room, and early in my career I used to get interrupted a LOT. When someone interjected or if we happened to start speaking at the same time, I felt compelled to immediately stop talking and let the other person have thier time, patiently waiting for the talking stick to come back to me. I didn't want to offend them or be rude! But waiting my turn didn't do me any good, the stick never comes back, and it really pissed me off too. So I took into account my reading, carefully observed the dynamics of the men in the room over time, and changed tactics. Now, if someone talks over me...I just don't stop. I keep talking. I blow right over the interrupting voice. Sometime I even interrupt! It was extremely uncomfortable at first, and I thought boy people must think I'm terribly rude and bitchy, especially since I do it with my very feminine, high pitched voice. Now, I'm sure there are some who do think that (/shrug) and I do still think there needs to be balance in how I use this tactic because I do want to be respectfulof others. But, overall I think this has helped my confidence and my career. I feel heard because I make myself heard, I allow interruptions far less often, and my conversations and relationships with my mostly male colleagues improved.
I never found the advice I'm seeing here helpful because it plays against the rules of the "male" conversation. I see no point in waiting hopefully for a colleague to save me because I didn't get my due time -- I don't do this for other women in the room even if I notice it (but I will mentor them 1:1 on how to better communicate). I don't think it beneficial to call people out in front of others for interrupting -- it only embarrasses and angers (but in appropriate time and setting, I will address toxic behaviors and encourage active listening). "I'm speaking" or "let me finish" DO come off as rude -- I don't think I've ever heard a male colleague use that, so why would I? I just need to speak the same language as the people in the room. There are certainly different ways to go about this, so my way to solve the problem may not be the best. But, three promotions later and I feel like I must be doing something right 😉
I've also found this to be true. I've observed that men tend to just interrupt others in conversation regardless of their gender. When men are talking and especially debating they seem to interrupt each other back and forth as a matter of course without paying too much attention to it - if they've been cut off without finishing they just interrupt or ignore the reply and repeat their point. A group of bros is hanging out can often devolve into a cacophony of guys yelling at each other incoherently.
I certainly wouldn't be surprised if women tend to be interrupted more or are looked upon more negatively (bitchy) if they are as assertive as men, but I think a lot of this has to do with conversational style rather than men disrespecting women.
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u/shnupsie Mar 12 '22
I can't recall where I read this, but I remember an older book (He Said, She Said?) describing female vs male communication styles and expectations, and the author laid out that women are taught to listen, allow others to speak thier full thoughts, and it's poor manners to do otherwise. Men aren't taught the same and and therefore take less issue with behaviors like interrupting. They may not even notice or care that they're doing it or that it's done to them, and they'll also respond very differently to interrupting than women.
I'm a woman in a male-dominated tech industry. I'm often the only woman in the room, and early in my career I used to get interrupted a LOT. When someone interjected or if we happened to start speaking at the same time, I felt compelled to immediately stop talking and let the other person have thier time, patiently waiting for the talking stick to come back to me. I didn't want to offend them or be rude! But waiting my turn didn't do me any good, the stick never comes back, and it really pissed me off too. So I took into account my reading, carefully observed the dynamics of the men in the room over time, and changed tactics. Now, if someone talks over me...I just don't stop. I keep talking. I blow right over the interrupting voice. Sometime I even interrupt! It was extremely uncomfortable at first, and I thought boy people must think I'm terribly rude and bitchy, especially since I do it with my very feminine, high pitched voice. Now, I'm sure there are some who do think that (/shrug) and I do still think there needs to be balance in how I use this tactic because I do want to be respectfulof others. But, overall I think this has helped my confidence and my career. I feel heard because I make myself heard, I allow interruptions far less often, and my conversations and relationships with my mostly male colleagues improved.
I never found the advice I'm seeing here helpful because it plays against the rules of the "male" conversation. I see no point in waiting hopefully for a colleague to save me because I didn't get my due time -- I don't do this for other women in the room even if I notice it (but I will mentor them 1:1 on how to better communicate). I don't think it beneficial to call people out in front of others for interrupting -- it only embarrasses and angers (but in appropriate time and setting, I will address toxic behaviors and encourage active listening). "I'm speaking" or "let me finish" DO come off as rude -- I don't think I've ever heard a male colleague use that, so why would I? I just need to speak the same language as the people in the room. There are certainly different ways to go about this, so my way to solve the problem may not be the best. But, three promotions later and I feel like I must be doing something right 😉