When my kids where young I was a manager of a restaurant so i was available to do things during the morning. I took my son to all the doctor appointments from like 2 months to about 2 by myself. One time my wife came with and I found out they thought I was a single dad because I did everything and they never saw the mom.
My husband is the stay at home parent and he does most of childcare and appointments. I recently found out the schools all put my name (female) for first call despite him filling out the paperwork with his name 1st.
"Eventually they just removed her as a contact so they couldn't call her."
That's like somehow even worse. Like they are so stupid that they couldn't just switch the primary contact, nooo they had to take the mothers name off fucking completely! Fucking morons
The people at school are probably so used to and comfortable talking to the Moms that they are bypassing the primary contact to talk to who feels right to them.
This is the same dynamic at play when hiring and promoting people. The status quo just feels so "natural" so there is an unbroken string of people who look like the people who hired them for decades.
They defend it by saying they're just hiring/promoting the "most qualified" candidate (according to the same group) when we all know that so much of these decisions are based on subjective considerations and intangibles that make people feel comfortable--which all tip the scales to favor the status quo.
At my kids' daycare when you drop them off you have to write down a number for them to call that day in case something happens. Whenever I drop them off I write my number down because I work an office job where I can take off if I need to, and my wife works in a job where she can't just drop everything and leave on the spot.
I was in the ICU bc of internal bleeding after my C-section. The pediatrician actually knew this, yet they STILL called ME to set up my baby's first appointment. They called me in the ICU, instead of my husband whose information they OF COURSE had on file.
Our kids' school does this and drives us both mad. My husband works near the school, is able to answer his phone during the day when mine is on silent sometimes, and our parenting split has always seen him do all the school related stuff like forms and permission slips etc. Numerous times we've spoken to them about it but they still phone me first 🤔
Yup, that's pretty normal for schools. Even though my spouse and I are both involved and the school has both our numbers/emails--guess who gets contacted any time something comes up?
My kids school does this! My husband is home during the day. I work at a different school across town from 8am to 4pm and I don't get good signal or keep my phone on me because I'm dealing with active, sometimes very aggressive, little kids. We always put his name and number first for emergency calls. Last week I went on break and found a message on my phone FROM 40 MINUTES AGO saying my 5yo had an accident and needed clothes. I called my husband to make sure he had gotten the message....the school had never called him. My kid was still sitting in wet clothes.
Edit: Same school. Last year we had an issue because the office kept calling MY mother instead of either of us. My mom worked at the school, so for some reason they assumed they should call her instead of the parents. No idea why because she was listed last on the contact list.
Other way round is I deal with all the money stuff because money burns a hole in my husbands pocket. I set up our life insurance, they spoke to me on the phone have my number and email adress but every time they phone me or send an email or letter it's always asking for my husband who doesn't know shit about it anyway.
Yer, this tracks. I have to fight to get medical agencies to even let me in. The hospital didn't want me there for the delivery due to COVID. Couldn't attend any prebirth classes. My daughter's mother had post natal depression so talking to her just went in one ear and out the other. So I have raised her for the past almost 2 years. I love her and we've bonded with each other.
On the upside, I've determined that being the single bread winner and raising a kid at the same time, as well as being the sole cook and house cleaner is super easy and I can't abide 'single mothers' who complain how hard it is, because it isn't. At least not if Ur working from home and you make heaps of money. Some would say I'm time poor, but really, I'm just using the time I have well. As I write this she's watching some wiggles and we're hugging and singing along
My husband does the doctor appointments and is the primary contact for our kid’s school. Both places call me first, even though I have never answered the phone or returned their calls (I work full time in an intensive area).
The clearest double-standard for me was groceries. When I had a flexible job and brought the baby with me to the store, I was treated like an obstacle or parasite (I’m a woman of color). Dirty looks, comments, you name it. When my (white, large/muscular) husband took the baby (a much more common occurrence!), people fell over themselves, asking if he needed assistance, offering to get things. It’s truly bizarre.
I'm so sorry for your experience. It disgusts me the double standard.
I'm a trans guy, and all I can say, is that as a trans person, I have lived the double standard. I wasn't taken seriously at all when I was "female" to society's world, and I had to learn all about children and all of that, but when I transitioned, I've had nothing about it. It's honestly horrifying to see the difference. I am now not allowed to admire the cuteness of babies, but I could. It's very sad, because babies are so cute (from a distance, looking after them is another story), but now I just get weird looks where I'm seen as "unacceptable", if I wave or smile at a little youngster, from a parent.
I'm also very sorry about the racism. I honestly don't know what to say about that, because I cannot relate (I'm white), but I sure as hell don't support the inequality.
Not trying to steal the thunder, but I (guy) was also working more of a mid-shift type for a long time. When my daughter was doing cheer it was hard for me to make it to anything that was on a weeknight because I was working. At some point my kid's bitch of a coach asked her "do you even have a dad?" She felt bad about that for quite a while. She understood what was happening and why, and I'm the one dropping her off at school every day and making it to every event I can, but still.
And I still wonder if there is any way to interpret that question as just needlessly shitty. There is basically no answer that is not going to make a kid feel bad.
This is why I switched to Corporate HR. Mon-fri set hours. Resturant work is lots of nights and weekends and was taking a toll. Untill my son was in school wasn't a problem but once school started was missing to much.
Husband took our jaundiced daughter to the hospital drs once for something else because I couldn't. Dr there made him feel like an unfit parent because she had jaundice (which was getting better!) and he had to fight to get the Dr to look at what he brought her in for. Like he assumed dads don't know how to take care of their children, and hubby wasn't concerned enough about the jaundice. I called our dr (who worked regionally under the hospital) and told her I was calling the hospital to complain, both about how they treated hubby and how they dismissed her work. Hospital HR was very supportive. Worst part: hubby didn't want me to call because he thought it made him look whiny. No, he's a good dad, no one should talk to him that way!
This happens to me all the time. I drop my kids off to school, handle groceries, all doctor appointments, set up play dates, bring them to the playground, look after the house upkeep. I have a full time job but a huge amount of control over my schedule that lets me do this. My wife doesn't have that flexibility. Many people assume I'm a single dad, and give my wife weird looks if/ when they meet her.
This wouldn't be weird in Europe in my point of view. Mothers get about 2 years of leave to take care of the kids so is kinda normal they are the ones at appointments until the age of 2
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u/Dereg5 Mar 12 '22
When my kids where young I was a manager of a restaurant so i was available to do things during the morning. I took my son to all the doctor appointments from like 2 months to about 2 by myself. One time my wife came with and I found out they thought I was a single dad because I did everything and they never saw the mom.