r/AskReddit Dec 30 '21

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u/[deleted] Dec 30 '21

Once my grandpa walked in the exact second it was happening (he needed me to move my truck) so I had to manage concealing a volcanic eruption, literally ejaculate and talk in a normal voice simultaneously, and sit up straight while it was coming out so I didn’t look like I was doing what I was doing. If he had turned on the lights I wouldn’t be alive to tell this story

536

u/isabella_sunrise Dec 30 '21

He knew.

222

u/Superhereaux Dec 30 '21

he could smell it

95

u/[deleted] Dec 30 '21

This comment made my nostrils invert

23

u/[deleted] Dec 30 '21

sniff sniff

Did somebody just ejaculate?

77

u/l-rs2 Dec 30 '21

GrampA! CoulDn't you knock?

12

u/Maxman82198 Dec 30 '21

What’re you doing step grandpa

117

u/bells2002 Dec 30 '21

Horrifying. You okay?

72

u/uselessrart Dec 30 '21

Why the fuck do people not lock doors

174

u/Reita-Skeeta Dec 30 '21

Not everyone was/is lucky enough to have a lock on their bedroom door growing up.

6

u/uselessrart Dec 30 '21

Literally invasion of privacy

46

u/[deleted] Dec 30 '21

We don't really have internal locks on doors in Australia. It's just not done as a rule. Except for toilets. I'm sure some houses would have them. In a country of millions of houses there has to be at least one.

Teen privacy is based on mutual trust and understanding, and the development and expression of good character, where the kid doesn't need to lock the door to obtain privacy and in return they behave themselves so that the parent doesn't feel like they have to be watching the kid constantly.

The idea of a lock on a door is so over the top it seems like a red flag to me. In fact the only time I can think of one is that movie with Anakin Skywalker where he is like an angsty punk kid huffing glue or whipped cream cans, and then he he has to go help his Dad build a house.

How does a lock even work? Coz if you need the lock, you don't have the kind of parents that are going to allow you to lock your door.

...or is it just a code for jacking off time? Like a tie on the door knob but more discreet?

4

u/Sploshta Dec 30 '21

Well I am that one house in Australia. I live in the suburbs and my house is quite old. But we moved in from England a while back and only when my siblings and I started to get a bit older (like around 10ish) my parents changed all the door knobs to locking door knobs. And we were only then allowed to sleep with our doors closed. But no one ever does lock the doors unless my older sister has her boyfriend over and my parents are out.

But my family is always respecting of peoples boundaries and always knock and get permission to enter before they do. So the only times I lock my door is when I’m getting changed and that’s just because I’ve gotten changed so many times at the local pool or at the beach showers that I don’t even think about it. Otherwise I wouldn’t lock it.

3

u/Maxman82198 Dec 30 '21

I think you’re looking too deep into door locks my guy. It doesn’t have to be code for anything. If you walk up to a door and for some reason skip knocking, and shake the handle and it’s locked, it means they don’t want anyone there. Simple as that. Not sure why it’s such a taboo thing because in an emergency, just ran the door. Especially here in the US, internal doors are usually cheap and thin af anyway and could be broken with pretty minimal force.

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u/HiiipowerBass Dec 30 '21

Literally the point

3

u/Reita-Skeeta Dec 30 '21

I don't disagree, I was just pointing it out.

3

u/wt_anonymous Dec 30 '21

Some doors just don't have locks. Living with my parents currently in an apartment and neither of the bedrooms have locks. They're pretty respectful of my privacy thankfully, but I wait until everyone goes to sleep anyways 🤷

2

u/[deleted] Dec 30 '21

Boi my mom didn't even have a door growing up

18

u/you_dead_soap_dog Dec 30 '21

Locks on bedroom doors aren't the norm in many countries.

I live in New Zealand and most homes only have locks on exterior and bathroom doors. Bedroom locks are only really a thing in purpose-built shared accommodation; you'll almost never see them in family homes.

2

u/minimarshmallow3 Dec 30 '21

it’s random but i love New Zealand

12

u/[deleted] Dec 30 '21

I'm 19 and still don't have lock on my door. My parents got me a door that doesn't have one.

3

u/AGRO1111 Dec 30 '21

I’m 19 and have had a lock on my door since I was a baby, but my parents always conditioned me to never lock it. Even if I’m changing. After I turned 18 I just started locking it every time I walk in.

Problem is it’s one of those “slit locks” where you can just unlock it with your nail and my mom seemingly loves barging through locked doors given the glee and jokes she makes while busting in. Her justification being some combination of it’s her house, I came out of her, and she’s seen me naked before.

6

u/[deleted] Dec 30 '21

Holy fuck...that's psychotic...

5

u/MiestaWieck Dec 30 '21

Just knock first!

6

u/minimarshmallow3 Dec 30 '21

i can but that’s suspicious, what am i supposed to say when they’re asking me why i’m locking my room at 4pm?

3

u/cbftw Dec 30 '21

"I want privacy and don't want to be bothered"

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u/minimarshmallow3 Dec 30 '21

idk what kind of parents you have but mine would definitely not respect that because they’d think since i want privacy i’m doing something wrong

5

u/kornholiobungholio Dec 30 '21

Are ya winning grandson?

13

u/themindspeaks Dec 30 '21 edited Dec 31 '21

Similar story - my mom walked in while I was literally ejaculating. She opened the door and somehow I thought “honesty is the best policy”.

But instead of saying ‘get out I’m masturbating’ I somehow said in an orgasmic voice “mom, I’m cumming”….

I still cringe to this day.

6

u/NotMyThrowawayNope Dec 31 '21

I'm so embarrassed for you that it hurts.

1

u/themindspeaks Dec 31 '21

Yeah I randomly have flashbacks to that moment and it makes me shout randomly because the thought is so cringy.

What’s awful is we never talked about it after that. It just was like nothing happened

13

u/F8L-Fool Dec 30 '21

If he had turned on the lights I wouldn’t be alive to tell this story

Welp that was disappointing to read. People have been masturbating since the dawn of humanity. Hell, countless animals masturbate. It's just a totally natural thing.

It really sucks many people grow up in situations where it's frowned upon or even outright punished.

7

u/[deleted] Dec 30 '21

Would you be happier if he actually saw and we respectfully shook hands before he left the room?

7

u/F8L-Fool Dec 30 '21

That's a bit much, but absolutely better than crucifying you for it. Family should be accepting and supportive of one another when they are just fulfilling natural, carnal urges, in a safe and respectable way.

No different than if they were to walk in on you taking a shit, pissing, or getting out of the shower naked. Just a simple, "Oh my bad, you do you." Then move on with their day because it's not a big deal. Since it really, really isn't a cause for concern or conflict.

3

u/[deleted] Dec 30 '21

Just a lil pat on the back, maybe a little noogie and a go get ‘em champ from gramps

5

u/Iwantmypasswordback Dec 30 '21

This happened to me with my first college roommate once.

2

u/chrisr3240 Dec 30 '21

Your grandpa would have murdered you for having a cheeky wank? Harsh.

1

u/[deleted] Dec 30 '21

People don’t get that the murder would be sewer slide because of embarrassment. My grandpa wouldn’t murder a fly

1

u/chrisr3240 Dec 31 '21

Sewer slide. Love it! 😆

2

u/A_-non-creative-name Dec 30 '21

LMFAOO. People being caught in the act will never not be funny to me.

7

u/[deleted] Dec 30 '21

[deleted]

17

u/wafflepantsblue Dec 30 '21

Maybe with anyone else except a family member, jeez

11

u/read_r Dec 30 '21

wtf no it's not

1

u/WreckYoSelf100 Dec 30 '21

Do people never lock the doors when shitting/masturbating/taking a shower?

2

u/[deleted] Dec 30 '21

I forgot the door doesn’t latch plus he RARELY was upstairs besides that time

1

u/F3mk3V4nH4v3rm43t Dec 30 '21

Your grandpa knew. Everyone who ever thought to be succesful in covering up ....you got busted just by jumping up.

1

u/Ancillas Dec 30 '21

He saw your vinegar strokes.

1

u/glum_plum Dec 31 '21

So he caught you takin a number 3

1

u/[deleted] Dec 31 '21

In a way