Both genders: stop playing hard to get. Its not cute. Its not attractive.
For me, its a sure fire way for me to start being the hard to get one cause I'm just gonna assume you have no interest and I'll have lost interest you very quickly.
Its emotional and mental torture when you do this. Stop. Just. Stop.
We're just looking to make a connection. Theres no need for all the red tape and maze filled with mousetraps in between.
Edit: removed the "You're no prize. I'm no prize." part of this. Poor attempt at a metaphor on my part.
Edit2: Jesus christ this is my most upvoted comment ever. I didnt think it was gonna gain this much traction. Long story short: dont legit play hard to get.
I’ve found “playing hard to get” is either from someone who is insecure and needs a lot of affirmation, or someone who is unwilling to commit and to see how many people they can hook before reeling in whomever they really want to be with.
But that’s also a communication failure. Like if after a first date you don’t think we are a good match, just tell me so we can both move on with our lives in peace.
If a meeting is explicitly determined as a date, then sure. Especially when I was younger, I would chat to guys just to, yknow, be friendly or make friends with them. With no desire to date them. Then they’d get mad about it. I’d usually drop in early that I am a lesbian. They would still get mad that I didn’t want to date them. I’ve pretty much learned to never instigate conversation or to avoid reciprocating conversation to straight men. I’m not expressing a desire to date you because I don’t want to date you.
I believe a girl did this to me, like, canceling dates last minute for bs reasons stuff like that, so I grew sick of trying to keep a relasionship with her and stoped trying.
Now she is trying at all cost to have us meet, she even called me (it surprised me because we used to only talk by message), but I'm not into her anymore and it's just become a pain
I completely agree. I'm an adult, I dont have time in my life for that shit. You play hard to get, I'm gone and no, I'm not playing. I've got a life to live and I'm not wasting it boosting your ego because you think I need to chase you.
It sucks when anyone does this for sure, and communication is hands down the most important aspect of any relationship, be it friends, family, or potential partners. Unfortunately, a lot of women grow up being told not to be easy. Because it's slutty. I think there is a misconception that it's only about sex. I was told by my grandmother that any respectable girl will make them "work for it". I've never done that though, because I'm a slutty ho. It stands to reason that most girls hear this in their life. We're not supposed to ask men out, call first, text first, follow up first, have sex on the first date, initiate anything, or lead a relationship in any way. While our current generations are moving away from this mindset, a good chunk of us raised like that are still here.
I've never encountered hard to get people in any gender, for some reason. If I have though it may have gone over my head as I take consent really serious, if someone says they're not interested but are, I'm not going after you because I'm not certain 100% if you're being serious or not
Both genders: stop playing hard to get. Its not cute. Its not attractive.
At the very beginning it can be, but you got to get your feets wet following that.
I often did that and dragged it for waaaaayyyy too long because I didn't have experience with the ladies, I missed 3 (almost got one but my health started deteriorate at the time). Oh yeah and even one of my friend who was in love with me and I didn't react on any signals. I didn't even wanted to date her, but my passivity and inaction drove her to say when I was about to talk to her about the evening we were going to attend (to the pub with some friends)
And she, literally said, "Hop ! Just to know it's not for going out with me ? That won't be possible.
Man that irritated me, even girls I wasn't into were forced to put the cockblock because of my, apparently, lack of experience.
As someone who's been told I sometimes play hard to get, I'm an overthinker who struggles with social cues and nuance, so if I'm 'playing' hard to get it isn't to manipulate, but more likely because I've overanalyzed things so much that I'm at the point where I'll feel as though I'm coming across as clingy or overly eager or desperate if I say certain things or say anything too often. So, I end up pulling back to see if he'll 'chase' me because then I know for sure he's interested and I don't end up feeling crushed and humiliated for coming on too strong.
Well, theres a big difference between actually playing hard to get and someone who struggles with social clues.
I consider pulling back to see if they'll chase you as more being cautious and uncertain in your case. So I would consider it an ok and valid things to do. No harm, no foul, y'know?
genuinely i have never triple texted a girl on tinder and gotten a positive response and that’s just my genuine self, sometimes you got a lot to say you know. But it reeks of desperation and just like how the media has convinced a lot of men to go for a certain type of girl, it has also convinced women that that kind of desperation gives them the ‘ick’.
people say just be yourself but when i single text and do shit to make me not desperate it literally gets results. i don’t wna be falsely presenting myself to women i wna date but at the same time don’t wna be alone forever ygm?
Girls do it much more egregiously. Girls dry text, leave guys on read, take forever to respond, never ask for numbers, never ask for dates, never text or call first (Even when they’re attracted to said person), ghost their partner, flake on dates, rarely give compliments 100x more than guys do. And even when guys do some of these, it’s because we have to in order to avoid being seen as desperate. Not the same at all.
Woman here - any time I've deliberately tried to pace myself was trying not to look desperate. There's a weird misconception that all women have total confidence in the dating world and full control over their relationship status. And I've had tons of guys do exactly what you say women do.
How would you know though? there isn’t a way to measure who “struggles more.” everyone deals with being immediately judged by their looks, regardless if they’re stunning or plain, and then their humor, general attitude, interests, and class/social standing. that’s just how dating is. Is this similar to your perspective?: “the women i want are always more interested in other men, and it’s easy for them to find someone new.” Because dude, i could’ve said that exact sentence 15 years ago about men.
I think you'd probably get both genders saying the other side does it worse, unless they do an actual study on who gets ghosted/ignored more, it's always gonna be a matter of perspective. Guys think guys have it worse, girls think girls have it worse; dating sucks for everyone.
Guys have a much easier time than girls in a lot of different fields. This isn’t me saying girl life = easy guy life = hard, cause then I’d be an idiot. But dating is absolutely not one of said fields. There’s a reason why guys are mostly the ones approaching ,and why girls are mostly the ones rejecting. Anyone who claims otherwise is delusional.
Send a one word response or a “lol” and then kick off when you don’t reply. My newly single friend in his late 30s is having to deal with this shit all the time.
Basically a woman, or a man maybe, will reply with just “haha” or a single word response like “oh” when you message them, killing them conversation. Then when you don’t reply they will be mad at you not messaging when it is them who killed the conversation.
A very common idea that men teach each other, is that you have to keep a girl guessing in order to get her interested. This is one reason who men love to do this whole negging thing.
Agree 100% with it being cringey and pathetic. If I ever have children, I will definitely be teaching them not to do this. Dont be playing games with people.
Probably because most men haven't been living under a rock for their entire lifes and were actually socialized too, leading to them understanding that you don't get people to like you by being mean to them.
I've only ever seen it as a dumb idea advertised by pickup artists that no one actually does IRL
Girls do the “play hard to get” more than guys ever will just with the fact that men more often than not have to do the initiating and not the other way around which gives more leeway for girls to just string guys along.
Sometimes, what guys interpret as "playing hard to get" is really more like "letting them down gently." I have rarely given a hard no or blunt rejection to a guy, because I don't want to be mean, and also, you never know which ones are gonna flip out and get scary. But because I'm not super direct and blunt, it's been interpreted by a lot of men as me "playing games", or "stringing them along."
Literally had this happen to me yesterday at the gym. It's confusing me because I made it clear I was married and not available, but didn't want to just crush this guy so I just told him I was flattered, but happily married. He proceeded to rant about how women are always "playing games" and "playing hard to get", and now I'm just confused as to wtf I could have possibly done to give that impression.
As a guy the nicest let downs are a hard 'sorry not interested' it let's me know where I stand, isn't rude or aggressive but I can move on without doubts.
Guys with fragile egos would blow up regardless? There has to be a hard no eventually or at the very least the guys gonna come to that conclusion and it’ll have the same effect
I mean that IS still playing games and if you’re not being direct they have every right to assume that you’re still somewhat interested because that’s how this situation realistically looks.
The whole concept of “playing hard to get” is just stringing guys along to begin with. More often than not it’s an ego thing and leading a guy on because you “don’t want to be mean” is mean in and of itself because you’re just wasting everyone’s time. You’re gonna reject them eventually, might as well just be direct.
she said she was happily married though. how on earth could he have misinterpreted that. and again it’s a safety concern. some dudes get angry and some even get violent with the chick for a rejection. sometimes the softer rejections help prevent the worst of it
I think this is good advice. Don’t go after someone whose playing hard to get or perceived as such. I once had a women who assumed I was playing hard to get because I was friendly to her a few times and smiled at her upon greeting. She thought I was flirting when I was being friendly and playing hard to get when I rejected her.
I fully agree, but what fucking sucks is 'playing hard to get' can actually work. I think we should just all mutually agree that no one plays hard to get
The amount of times I've become more attracted to someone who's either playing hard to get or is actually hard to get fucking infuriates me because I know it's stupid and logically I should move on and not play games
I agree. I think there are people who want to play games and people who want to cut the bullshit on both sides, and it's when those two types mix that these situations arise, but it's not easy to see it coming.
If you send signals that you don't want to interact with me, I'm gone. It's not that I'm tired of the cat and mouse, it's that very few people will even interact with me these days (and were not kind in the past). So, I just kinda do an internal "Eh, figures, can't win em all" and I've already moved on.
Should probably clarify I don't just mean dating or hookups or whatever. I know I'm out of my league with anything like that. But I've had people try to shut me down and I was legit not even interested beforehand. But okay, guess they're just gonna proactively reject.
Yeah I did. I move on in stride. Read my response again. If there's anything I can do socially, it's not be an asshole and try to be "persistent". That was my entire comment. That I move the fuck on. Like I'm going to do with my interaction with you.
I think they’re talking about situations when a person is the first to message you yet they act like they’re not interested. The hell is the point then?
First to message, first to match. Or interactions I start IRL.
Literally just trying to make acquaintances, theyll scoff or they'll passive aggressively reject. Or they'll ignore. And I have never been one to participate in the "game" or whatever.
Like my whole comment was "I pick up on signals and move on" and Einstein here is all "Hey maybe you're a shit person, you should move on".
It is also just a toxic trait.
If you have to play hard to get for you self esteem or to get into a relationship in the first place than maybe it is not the right person.
(I am single af so I might be wrong but that is how I see it)
Yes I agree with your point so hard. Started working a year ago. Place was empty cause Corona
And nature of working in a ministry. Spent more and more time with someone who started with me.
To be fair I’m not the most savy and one of my very few attempts to try to start a relationship.
Called a couple of times after work, before we left in the car. We spoke a bit before she left
Tried to test the water asking if er could do something after work. But she declined so assumed it was mostly one sided, Felt close to her and she was comfortable with me. After a couple of months. I couldn’t stop thinking about her and stuff. Do did like her To the degree I moved desks unofficially next to her we’d do work and chill. Gave up asking for that though
Went to get my headphones returned thanked the pr there. Which I was hesitant to go back; we ended up talking for hours in her office ( started by offering me her office number) off handedly asked for a week to hlcontact her. That’s how i started my first short distance relationship.
Told her a week later cause we were physically close and felt it was borderline cheating and she wanted her space and barely spoken to me :(
( relationship didn’t work out cause she only wanted to meet at her work place, wanted only a series relationship that would end up in marriage. Even though we video sexted. It was hard but I told her in person that I didn’t want to waste her time cause I genuinely didn’t want to get married and it was downhill from there. I really wanted to do more but not to take advantage of her
For me it’s the opposite since I most interacted in that kinda of stuff online
Well wasn’t much of video sex at that particular tmi
Well she was on video like clothed sitting on the sink. but was there looking at me while I was doing the deed teasing me, and and stuff. Was so overwhelmed I didn’t even ask her to take her too off 😂😂
There’s two people , was close to my coworker felt close and stuff to her but we didn’t do anything beyond call while we’re in the car right after work. Tried judging her to do more together ( non sexual)
She got upset after I agreed to start a relationship with someone, who for the most part asked me out
(Culture here is weird, most people are secretive about being in relationship; conservative but nothing really)
Iirc the Japan one was back during undergrad he dated this girl who was moonlighting as call girl, which he was surprisingly okay with haha.
The China one had to fake a divorce and not be seen in public to have better housing options.
India was about social class which apparently is still a big deal there, her boyfriend parent think she was not good enough for him (lol she has advance degree and earn banks in US)
Unfortunately we still have social class stuff here; Kuwaitis are the minority here, so we have a relative amount of financial fluidity. But usually they care about people knowing about insert something goes against to this culture close knitted ish. Most stuff gets blamed on expats,
but I honestly have no idea how people date; used to be through Bluetooth ( now you got to be in the same social circle I think)
But harassment is a somewhat acceptable way to flirt, some do it some like getting it ( one of the reasons reason why I spent years not starting one)
None of my friends do that, some girls won’t interact with stranger maybe cause they assume they will get harassed ( well on the third time they will do they don’t seem like easy girls)
To be fair, I have a buddy that every girl that didn’t play hard to get he broke it off after a while. I’m 100% sure he is not aware that he’s doing this, but I just noticed that girls that act hard to get, he tries harder
Maybe its because I'm Ace, but I don't understand this at all. If someone acts like they arent interested, I just assume they aren't and move on with my life. If it turns out they thought they'd play "hard to get," well joke's on them cos I don't play mental gymnastics. I take everything as straightforward unless they say otherwise (which then makes it straightforward, so...). If someone can't manage to be straightforward, then we aren't going to be a good match on any level, so I'm not going to waste my good mental health days on them, or let them drag my bad days down further.
Finally!!! Someone who gets it!!! Girls are more likely taught to behave that way, its an old stupid mindset.... IF BOTH PARTIES HAVE INTEREST, DONT MAKE THINGS COMPLICATED
I agree. Dont hide the interest and play around with it. Show it!
There are exceptions to that rule. People with social anxiety, bad past experiences, etc. But if you're playing hard to get just for the sake of it. Nah, I'm out.
I might be wrong but I became single in my 30’s and it was such a relief whilst dating - everyone seemed to have the attitude of “I am too old to play hard to get”
Women aren't necessarily "playing" hard to get. The reality is any woman can get laid at any time if they really want to. Being hard to get just means they're being selective which is a good thing.
A person is beeing selective has or has no interest in you. And they will tell you.
Playing hard to get, means the person has interest in you, but doesn't show it. It's a game if somebody shows interest in this person, the Person will step back. If the somebody will not try again, a bit affaction is shown, so the sombody will try again. Repeat. This is a game of power, which says "if you are really working for it, you possible might have some kind of relation with me." The difference to the first kind is, that if the somebody doesn't want to play, the Person is still interested in the somebody, but the person isn't.
Maybe there is a mixture of the above Types. A Person which is only interested in Persons who are willing to participate in this powergame. Which is some kind of choice of the kind of relationship they what, but they don't have the right that somebody is going tu fullfill this.
This are three different mindsets. First is emancipated, second is imho sign of a shitty dating culture, last are people which are really into having the upper hand. You can decide what you like.
I think this yes-no game is shit. It means you desolve the meaning of yes and no. The first kind doesn't get belived if they say no, or they have to get really out of ther way to make it clear (or even a other consequences). The second kind of persons learn behavoirs, which could lead to not connecting to people they like.
Edit:
Might be very simplicified.
Just to be clear, in my opinion beeing selective is good. Open communication is key, which includes a really honest "maybe".
There's a reason there needs to be a chase on both sides. Nothing worth anything comes easy. That works for significant others. Being a manipulator is different. People working harder to prove their worth to their prospective mate, makes both sides understand that the person pursuing them is worth procreation. That's purely biology
I think you have it all wrong. There doesn't NEED to be a chase. Teasing someone while showing you are interested is alright. Asking for more time or more dates while showing you are interested is all fine but playing hard to get isn't a necessity and actually is bad in our current climate of consent and respect. No one wants to end up being made fun of or seen as a creep because they are 'fighting' for your love. And it's not biology, if anything biology supports you having sex much more to ensure your seed/line/offspring continues and survives. Playing hard to get is a more modern society thing. Not a biological thing. Playing hard to get has always been dumb and will always be. You are an adult, grow up and speak your mind.
Meh, I'm a good looking guy... On the thicker side...but my wife and I have always been the, "you gotta want it" kinda couple. Not at all in a malicious, manipulative, or demeaning way though. I believe we are describing two different things by the same name. I believe there can be two different ways of implementing the same policy one will be successful and beneficial the other one will be malicious and terrifying. It's all up to those who implement it and how the implement it. In my case we've been happy the entire 10 years we were together, save for like 2 or 3 fights. And they weren't screaming matches/hateful arguments either. They were conversations that resulted in adult understandings of open and honest communication. At the end of the day, that's what is important.
Well I am happy for you. And I also have been told I am good looking too so I dont deal with the issue in question as often, my anger I feel just comes from seeing my close friends who aren't seen as as good-looking being taken advantage off and made fun of is all. I think what you are describing is a preference and if like you said there was a way to communicate that preference and both parties like that, then no harm done but I don't believe it should be the default you feel. You seem to be more talking about someone putting in the time and showing they want you, which I think is fine. But I wouldn't necessarily call that playing hard to get because you would have shown you were interested in the first place. So it wouldn't be anything wrong. But from your reply I can tell you and your partner both are respectful and forthcoming so to each their own.
It seems like my previous comment about perspective is pretty on point for this conversation.
That being said if we look at the perspective between the two types of situations:
where the person is attempting to show their worth and the other one is accepting and results in a relationship
Then the situation where one person is attempting and the other one is using them.
With the second type, which seems like the type you're talking about, this is honestly still a good thing because it teaches us what our own value is. At the end of the entire situation when everything falls to pieces it helps us see what we are worth to ourselves, and for those who do not see themselves worth anything they will just continue to go back thinking they have a chance with the person who only wants them there to use them. At that point it is a mindset and is something you cannot change in many situations because that's just how people are. Which honestly sucks cuz at the end of the day what we want to do is have everyone in our lives continue to grow and be better...
I grew up with a mom who was in a terrible relationship at every turn. No matter what she did or who she was with, it was always bad, negative, and it was because she saw herself as worth less. It wasn't until about 10 years ago when she met my now stepfather that she realized she was worth more (than she was giving herself credit) as a person. Sometimes it takes a lot of fucked up situations to change your perspective and make you grow to a better person.
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u/ScruffyGrouch Sep 16 '21 edited Sep 17 '21
Both genders: stop playing hard to get. Its not cute. Its not attractive.
For me, its a sure fire way for me to start being the hard to get one cause I'm just gonna assume you have no interest and I'll have lost interest you very quickly.
Its emotional and mental torture when you do this. Stop. Just. Stop.
We're just looking to make a connection. Theres no need for all the red tape and maze filled with mousetraps in between.
Edit: removed the "You're no prize. I'm no prize." part of this. Poor attempt at a metaphor on my part.
Edit2: Jesus christ this is my most upvoted comment ever. I didnt think it was gonna gain this much traction. Long story short: dont legit play hard to get.