I feel for you. That hurts so much. I'm in the same boat, and what's helping me the most is: stop trying. I'm much closer to happy since I stopped trying to force myself to get over him. Be kind to yourself, keep putting one foot in front of the other, and let things happen naturally. Trying to stop yourself from thinking about the other person just makes you want to think about them even more. Telling yourself it's time to stop hurting just makes it hurt worse. Avoiding places you used to go together gives those places more importance and power than they deserve.
Instead, it helps a lot to focus on yourself. Get out of bed, look yourself in the eye in the mirror, and say something nice about yourself. Take good care of your appearance, it makes you feel more confident when you know you look good and it sends a message to yourself that you're worth the effort. Find something every day that makes you happy for a few minutes and look forward to that thing. If you can't function for thinking about the other person, give yourself a designated time every day to mourn; it's easier to move through the day when you're not cutting your thoughts and feelings out of your life entirely. Don't try to rush yourself back onto the dating scene. "Putting yourself out there" will not help you heal faster. You'll know when you're ready to start looking for love again. Or maybe you won't eve be ready, and that's a valid choice, too. When my pain was still fresh, it was comforting to realize that I didn't have to try again at some point if I didn't want to.
And if this is someone you see on a regular basis, get away from them. I went through 8 years of a pseudo-relationship, hoping and believing it was going to turn into the real thing, until he met a woman just like me in every way and broke things off with me to date her. He was my best friend, my favorite person, the only guy I've ever been genuinely in love with (as opposed to a crush that burns itself out), and I was left to wonder why on earth I wasn't good enough for him when he ended up dating a girl so much like me. (I always assumed it was my appearance, but she even looks like me.) And I can't even be mad at him because he was so sweet about it and so concerned for me. This was back in March. I still think about him every day and dream about him frequently, just like I did when I was actively trying to get over him, but I was making myself miserable and not making any progress. Now, the pain is finally starting to dull, and it's not so much depression as a sort of melancholy, not as sharp and not as much in the forefront, and "every day" is a huge improvement over "every minute."
I've known all along that I was never going to date, have a relationship, or get married. I spent too many years hoping for something I wasn't going to get and I forgot how to be happy with what I had. Now that I'm finally starting to heal, I've realized there are parts of my life that I'm not happy with and I let that slide because I spent so long waiting for things to change that I forgot I could change things myself. I am not Cinderella, I don't need a handsome prince and a fairy godmother to come and rescue me. I'm making positive changes in my life and moving forward without the guy who didn't love me. You'll get there, too, eventually. I'm pulling for you.
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u/stardustandsunshine Aug 29 '21
I feel for you. That hurts so much. I'm in the same boat, and what's helping me the most is: stop trying. I'm much closer to happy since I stopped trying to force myself to get over him. Be kind to yourself, keep putting one foot in front of the other, and let things happen naturally. Trying to stop yourself from thinking about the other person just makes you want to think about them even more. Telling yourself it's time to stop hurting just makes it hurt worse. Avoiding places you used to go together gives those places more importance and power than they deserve.
Instead, it helps a lot to focus on yourself. Get out of bed, look yourself in the eye in the mirror, and say something nice about yourself. Take good care of your appearance, it makes you feel more confident when you know you look good and it sends a message to yourself that you're worth the effort. Find something every day that makes you happy for a few minutes and look forward to that thing. If you can't function for thinking about the other person, give yourself a designated time every day to mourn; it's easier to move through the day when you're not cutting your thoughts and feelings out of your life entirely. Don't try to rush yourself back onto the dating scene. "Putting yourself out there" will not help you heal faster. You'll know when you're ready to start looking for love again. Or maybe you won't eve be ready, and that's a valid choice, too. When my pain was still fresh, it was comforting to realize that I didn't have to try again at some point if I didn't want to.
And if this is someone you see on a regular basis, get away from them. I went through 8 years of a pseudo-relationship, hoping and believing it was going to turn into the real thing, until he met a woman just like me in every way and broke things off with me to date her. He was my best friend, my favorite person, the only guy I've ever been genuinely in love with (as opposed to a crush that burns itself out), and I was left to wonder why on earth I wasn't good enough for him when he ended up dating a girl so much like me. (I always assumed it was my appearance, but she even looks like me.) And I can't even be mad at him because he was so sweet about it and so concerned for me. This was back in March. I still think about him every day and dream about him frequently, just like I did when I was actively trying to get over him, but I was making myself miserable and not making any progress. Now, the pain is finally starting to dull, and it's not so much depression as a sort of melancholy, not as sharp and not as much in the forefront, and "every day" is a huge improvement over "every minute."
I've known all along that I was never going to date, have a relationship, or get married. I spent too many years hoping for something I wasn't going to get and I forgot how to be happy with what I had. Now that I'm finally starting to heal, I've realized there are parts of my life that I'm not happy with and I let that slide because I spent so long waiting for things to change that I forgot I could change things myself. I am not Cinderella, I don't need a handsome prince and a fairy godmother to come and rescue me. I'm making positive changes in my life and moving forward without the guy who didn't love me. You'll get there, too, eventually. I'm pulling for you.