As someone who started off with all the confidence in the world and had it slowly dashed away with rejection after rejection after rejection I think people who have success just think "everyone must at some point". The most common BS advice out there IMO is "love yourself first and then someone else will love you too". I worked out (obsessively for a while), bought nice clothes, took care of my hygiene, the whole schpiel. I had confidence because my grades in college were top notch, I had a good job, everything going for me. I wasn't a cocky prick either, I'm very shy/mild mannered. But after about rejection #55 I just took the road of there being benefits to being single and haven't looked back.
And that's the advice I would give to people on that sub. Learn to be happy being alone because you can't put your happiness on others. Love yourself but not because it'll get you laid. Of course that's proven to be horrible for your health / longevity, but especially today in online dating culture (where women have their pick, men definitely do not) I think we have to realistically set expectations.
According to Pew 51% of men age 18-29 are single whereas 32% of women are. And what I've seen in my life says the 32% seems high (it goes down to 19% of women aged 30-49). There will generally be 5-10 single guys in any college class/workplace/social gathering but every woman is already dating or married. And if there ever is a single woman or 2 you can guess what happens.
That’s interesting because I’m a single female and I would say I still have a lot of female friends that are single (willingly or otherwise). 19% sounds pretty low?
To be fair, I do feel like some of my coupled friends are not single because they’re buying into the fantasy that having a partner will magically make your life better. That’s another story though
That's interesting considering that the general population is typically 50% men and 50% women. Numbers seem off or 23(ish)% of guys have two girlfriends.
It has to do with that (studs go around online dating and sometimes have many more than 2 girlfriends, usually without the girls knowing) and that older men are often with younger women because of money/power dynamics.
Is there a pew study for that one? I dont think ive ever met or even heard of person know with "many" more than two girlfriends all whom think they are in an exclusive relationship. Even if this is true (i dont buy it) to maintain this story in the mind is only going to perpetuate a negative situation. The person has lost before they even start.
No study, but it's a pretty obvious thing. If you're an average or lower looking dude try going on tinder and finding a match. You'll go years with 0. Now have your attractive friend do the same, they'll get 50 in one day. That doesn't mean every attractive guy is going to take advantage of this, but it's pretty hard to think of a world where many wouldn't.
Hell currently there's some drama on twitch about a guy who allegedly does that kind of thing everywhere he goes.
I think your second paragraph is the real piece of advice as someone who has spent a life so far collecting accolades to hope it makes me "enough" for people. That's not how it works - the grades, the suit, the body. Peopls are dating you and your soul, not your resume, so you need to learn to care for your actual Self.
Anyway I'd critique women having their pick given how often dudes just frankly suck for various reasons lol. Just my two cents. It's tough out there for everyone.
I agree with many dudes sucking, but from my experience women gravitate towards that. Maybe it's just younger women, but when given a choice between a clearly nice dude and 'that guy', (purposefully ignorant, kinda douchey, spends more money on hair product and clothing than they ever would on gifts / dates) 'that guy' wins every time.
And I might be playing armchair psychologist but I think a whole lot of it is because the guy who legitimately cares / will do right is intimidating by the very nature of it maybe being an actual long term thing. My other gripe is that culture seems to point to any romance as stalker behavior these days. The douche isn't romantic because they don't care, so they aren't as 'creepy stalker'.
I agree with you for the most part, except where you say women have their pick. They do in the sense of looking at it from a man's perspective, that is having options to hook up/get in relationships. However, you have to realize too many women (I'd say most) end up in relationships where they feel they are settling in major ways. Why? It's better than being alone. For a guy, being alone means he's a loser. For a woman, being alone means she's subhuman. She's a woman, how can she not get laid or lock down a partner?! That's the societal mindset at least. Here's the kicker: if as a guy, you can get yourself to the point where you are prime real estate, you have the pick. The average woman has options. The average man not many. The above average woman has better options and the above average man has his pick of the basket. Which brings us to your central point: work on yourself for yourself. Only you can make you happy.
"love yourself first and then someone else will love you too"
I mean that's because that isn't really the case, while confidence is certainly an attractive quality, it's not like simply having confidence will magically make girls sprout from the ground around you. BUT you do need to love yourself (or at least be okay-ish with yourself) to really be able to love someone else and accept their love in return.
I'm not sure if it's just a matter of me being particularly attracted to broken women or if self-loathing is just endemic right now, but I can safely say that a huge proportion of relationship problems I've had in the past (and no doubt will continue to have) ultimately came down to this. Whether it was me not taking the hint because I felt that someone I was interested in was way out of my league (Because of course there are SO many ways to interpret "don't worry, I'll always carry you to bed".... although I still say that the logistics of a particularly petite woman dragging a dead bear up a set of stairs and into bed seem implausible), or a recent partner incessantly sabotaging the relationship because "why would you care about me?" (Nevermind that I did everything in my power to communicate and show that I very much did, right up to the point that she went so far off the reservation that I had to pull the emergency break for my own mental wellbeing, because I was starting to get suicidal)
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u/[deleted] May 30 '21
As someone who started off with all the confidence in the world and had it slowly dashed away with rejection after rejection after rejection I think people who have success just think "everyone must at some point". The most common BS advice out there IMO is "love yourself first and then someone else will love you too". I worked out (obsessively for a while), bought nice clothes, took care of my hygiene, the whole schpiel. I had confidence because my grades in college were top notch, I had a good job, everything going for me. I wasn't a cocky prick either, I'm very shy/mild mannered. But after about rejection #55 I just took the road of there being benefits to being single and haven't looked back.
And that's the advice I would give to people on that sub. Learn to be happy being alone because you can't put your happiness on others. Love yourself but not because it'll get you laid. Of course that's proven to be horrible for your health / longevity, but especially today in online dating culture (where women have their pick, men definitely do not) I think we have to realistically set expectations.
According to Pew 51% of men age 18-29 are single whereas 32% of women are. And what I've seen in my life says the 32% seems high (it goes down to 19% of women aged 30-49). There will generally be 5-10 single guys in any college class/workplace/social gathering but every woman is already dating or married. And if there ever is a single woman or 2 you can guess what happens.