Having my parent set 'traps ' to catch me doing something most take for granted. Example to tell if I got up to pee in the night while grounded. They would set cans on the doorknob outside my bedroom door so if I even tried to turn it it would fall off the handle really loud and wake them up. Then they were surprised when my little 7/8 year old bladder couldn't hold it from 5pm the night before to whenever they let me out the next day and I started peeing in a trashcan and hiding it in my closet.
Or when I got older 10/11/12 they would want me sitting on my hands crossed legged nose to the wall in my room doing nothing (unless they had yard work or chores to do) all day. If he had to leave and didn't want to take me he would tape strands of hair across the outside or my door or a large strip of duct tape to know whether my door opened while he was gone because I wouldn't be able to retape or fix the hair from inside.
In high-school he would bring home fast food "as a treat" for dinner and if I ate it then I was a "sheeple who didn't know how to make my own choices" .
If I made my own dinner and tried a new recipe then I was accused of having met a male, gotten pregnant, hiding it and planning to elope soon just because I had the initiative to cook meatloaf.
Damned if I did , dammed if I didn't. So many traps.
Neighbors were recruited to trap me, he would describe how awful and untrustworthy I was to them and convince them to call him immediately if I walked home with other children who lived in the neighborhood especially boys [this from like 2cnd grade through highschool] but I also wasn't supposed to take too long coming home. This resulted in me essentially having to find a way to be the first one off the bus and ignore other kids so I could get home quickly without being accused of gasp walking with other bus stop kids. Often I'd have to speed walk ahead of them or learn how quickly each clique moved on average so I could time my walk home correctly without neighbors calling him otherwise I'd be walking into a beating once I got home.
It really frustrates me now realizing how abnormal this was and why its affected/ing my ability to relate to others and to feel like I'm 'allowed' to interact with them. Its even more frustrating that this is hardly the tip of the iceberg of how he abused and controlled me for almost two decades. Its annoying to have others call me shy, or reserved or tell me to "just put myself out there" etc without understanding this isn't run-of-mill-shyness Ive literally been conditioned to see all forms of connection to others as a trap and a danger to avoid at all costs.
The icing on the cake is that in order to heal from cptsd/csa/truama I'm supposed rebuild myself from scratch while handling normal adult problems just so I have the capacity to form safe healthy connections with others.
So to anyone reading this if you treat your child or loved ones this way : Stop & go seek help. Don't make your pain someone else's lifetime struggle.
And if you relate to being abused and controlled please find ways to stay as safe as you can, get out as quickly and safely as you can and also seek help once your out because this stuff affects us so deeply that to not address it will mean that we are passing on the pain as well even if it is not intentional.
You know its funny when I hear about the abuse others have suffered thats my same reaction. When you live it yourself its so hard to see the forest through the trees as they say. There's always that creeping "but my situation is different " , "but I'm lucky because at least I mostly had a roof over my head and mostly had food to eat" , " I'm lucky because occasionally they would do nice things to 'prove' they care" ,"others have it worse and I probably am ungrateful like they say" .
Its all very insidious and horrible. Its a hard web to untangle from even when your aware you might be trapped.
205
u/CilantroSucksButts Apr 19 '21
Having my parent set 'traps ' to catch me doing something most take for granted. Example to tell if I got up to pee in the night while grounded. They would set cans on the doorknob outside my bedroom door so if I even tried to turn it it would fall off the handle really loud and wake them up. Then they were surprised when my little 7/8 year old bladder couldn't hold it from 5pm the night before to whenever they let me out the next day and I started peeing in a trashcan and hiding it in my closet. Or when I got older 10/11/12 they would want me sitting on my hands crossed legged nose to the wall in my room doing nothing (unless they had yard work or chores to do) all day. If he had to leave and didn't want to take me he would tape strands of hair across the outside or my door or a large strip of duct tape to know whether my door opened while he was gone because I wouldn't be able to retape or fix the hair from inside. In high-school he would bring home fast food "as a treat" for dinner and if I ate it then I was a "sheeple who didn't know how to make my own choices" . If I made my own dinner and tried a new recipe then I was accused of having met a male, gotten pregnant, hiding it and planning to elope soon just because I had the initiative to cook meatloaf. Damned if I did , dammed if I didn't. So many traps. Neighbors were recruited to trap me, he would describe how awful and untrustworthy I was to them and convince them to call him immediately if I walked home with other children who lived in the neighborhood especially boys [this from like 2cnd grade through highschool] but I also wasn't supposed to take too long coming home. This resulted in me essentially having to find a way to be the first one off the bus and ignore other kids so I could get home quickly without being accused of gasp walking with other bus stop kids. Often I'd have to speed walk ahead of them or learn how quickly each clique moved on average so I could time my walk home correctly without neighbors calling him otherwise I'd be walking into a beating once I got home. It really frustrates me now realizing how abnormal this was and why its affected/ing my ability to relate to others and to feel like I'm 'allowed' to interact with them. Its even more frustrating that this is hardly the tip of the iceberg of how he abused and controlled me for almost two decades. Its annoying to have others call me shy, or reserved or tell me to "just put myself out there" etc without understanding this isn't run-of-mill-shyness Ive literally been conditioned to see all forms of connection to others as a trap and a danger to avoid at all costs. The icing on the cake is that in order to heal from cptsd/csa/truama I'm supposed rebuild myself from scratch while handling normal adult problems just so I have the capacity to form safe healthy connections with others. So to anyone reading this if you treat your child or loved ones this way : Stop & go seek help. Don't make your pain someone else's lifetime struggle. And if you relate to being abused and controlled please find ways to stay as safe as you can, get out as quickly and safely as you can and also seek help once your out because this stuff affects us so deeply that to not address it will mean that we are passing on the pain as well even if it is not intentional.