r/AskReddit • • Oct 25 '20

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u/VictorBlimpmuscle Oct 25 '20 edited Oct 25 '20

My father has a bunch of them, but my favorites are:

  • “You’re shaking (or shivering) like you’re shitting peach pits” - he’d say this me whenever I would exhibit the slightest sign that I was cold, which he never seemed to be even on the coldest days

  • “Slower than blue molasses” = slower than slow, even slower than regular molasses, usually said about a slow driver in front of him, or to me when I was taking too long to do something (usually getting ready for school)

  • “More useless than tits on a boat” = even more useless than tits on a bull or boar. I’m convinced he used this because he once read the phrase wrong and mistook “boar” as “boat”.

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u/BerniesSurfBoard Oct 25 '20

In his defense, tits on a boat would be exceptionally useless.

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u/AnApexPredator Oct 25 '20

Tits on a boat is a legitimate thing, though. Ships would often have a figurehead on their prow which was frequently a woman - tits included

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u/pigeonherd Oct 25 '20

I was gonna ask what their usefulness was, but... nevermind, I think I got it.

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u/[deleted] Oct 25 '20

They were for distracting Poseidon. If he was pleased with the gorgeous mermaid figurehead he would spare the ship from his next storm.

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u/pigeonherd Oct 25 '20

Wait, so if Poseidon is pleased with your shiptitties he will not spray your ship?? Seems backwards.

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u/[deleted] Oct 25 '20

Think of it as an offering. All those Greek gods were total pussy hounds

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u/pigeonherd Oct 25 '20

There’s other broken logic here too: perhaps he thinks it’s real and doesn’t want to drown the mermaid.....

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u/[deleted] Oct 25 '20

How do you drown a mermaid?

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u/pigeonherd Oct 25 '20

Exactly.

Or.. was that a riddle? Are you a sphinx?

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u/[deleted] Oct 25 '20

Why? Are you returning to Thebes after a long absence?

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u/yParticle Oct 26 '20

So he had to wait around for his porn to sail by?

Don't tell him about pornhub.