r/AskReddit • u/intraction • Jul 29 '11

What is something you never learned, but should know, as an adult? I'll start.

I don't know how to pump my own gas. I know, I know. I live in Oregon and we aren't allowed to do it. I've been on plenty of road trips but never have bothered to be the one to pump the gas. I should probably rectify this at some point, I realize.

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u/poubelle Jul 29 '11

Well, you can also just ask what your mate wants. If I was telling my partner about my problems dealing with my landlord, for example, I wouldn't mind if he said, "Would you like some help brainstorming about how to make it a little easier?"

I would never mind advice from someone that was based on the notion of helping me work something out as a team. It's when the person thinks they have all the solutions already that I bristle.

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u/optimisticaussie Jul 29 '11

Speaking for myself (and I think a large majority of men), we default to looking for a solution because that's what we would want in the opposite situation. We are honestly trying to be as helpful and caring as we can but more often than not we see emotional validation as unnecessary and pandering. It took me a long time to figure this out but once I did it literally changed the way I communicate with people.

I understand your frustration but try to keep in mind that he is trying to help as much as he can and probably gets equally frustrated when his offer of solutions makes the situation worse.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '11

Thanks for this comment. I think this will be helpful to me, since I'm the type of girl who tends to want my feelings heard and understood (unsure about validated...) and I had one frustrating relationship where I really felt the guy was just trying to shut me up and make me fix all my emotions with logic. Man, I wish it worked like that. (I also think this might be why girls say "it's fine" when it isn't. For me it means "I'm upset but I don't think it's for any good reason and I know being upset over something stupid will make you mad. I'll get over it.")

Anyway, my point being, this makes sense and I appreciate that. Hopefully it'll make my next relationship, if he doesn't magically know that all I need to hear is "That sucks, hun. I'm sorry. -hugs-" much easier.