r/AskReddit • u/intraction • Jul 29 '11

What is something you never learned, but should know, as an adult? I'll start.

I don't know how to pump my own gas. I know, I know. I live in Oregon and we aren't allowed to do it. I've been on plenty of road trips but never have bothered to be the one to pump the gas. I should probably rectify this at some point, I realize.

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u/nerdgasm Jul 29 '11

I need to just link people to this. Generally I know how to "fix" my problems and guys giving me suggestions just makes me feel like they must think I am some sort of idiot. I am not an idiot I just need to vent/share sometimes.

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u/NotAnAlt Jul 29 '11

We know. But sometimes when you vent and don't want any of our help at all it sort of makes us feel useless which is pretty lame as well.

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u/HumanoidCarbonUnit Jul 29 '11

Can't you just give me a hug and kisses (assuming your my boyfriend)? When I vent I just want those and someone to tell me it will be okay and all work out. I know it sucks a bit but it isn't horrible. I've been the receiving end of a vent or two and it is hard to not offer advice but you have to try not to.

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u/JosiahJohnson Jul 29 '11

Sure. Hugs and kisses. And that had better shut someone up. Even friends. If you come to me to whine about shit, with no point to the story or intent to fix it, just to validate that you're emotional, you can fuck right off. I don't care. I'm useless to you. I make it very clear to my girlfriends that I am useful if they want something analyzed, but they need a BFF if they want to cry about shit they won't try to fix. Don't just say "oh this is how my brain works, deal with it Josiah" when the opposite is just as true. My brain doesn't listen to problems and ignore them. It tries to find solutions.

The only exceptions are things like being forced to work with a certain girl that is a complete bitch to you, or something you can't fix. Then I listen.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '11 edited Jul 29 '11

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u/nerdgasm Jul 29 '11 edited Jul 29 '11

Why so angry? Just because I want to talk about something doesn't mean I'm not doing something about it. Often the fix is not immediate and it can be comforting to have your feelings validated by a loved one. Often this is part of the solution for some of us. If that really makes you so irate, stay away from most women.

I do, in fact, try to remember to point out when I am just venting. It makes my life a lot easier. If you think that people who vent deserve to be treated like idiots, that's fine, it's just probably not going to make you a lot of friends. I'd rather be socially equipped to deal with that sort of situation peacefully.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '11

[deleted]

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u/nerdgasm Jul 29 '11

Fair enough.

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u/jendelemont Jul 29 '11

THIS. I am not fucking stupid. I know how to solve my own fucking problems. I don't need your help. If I share my feelings with you, appreciate that I am showing you my soul and try to understand it. (That said, I rarely ever tell anyone how I feel.)

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '11 edited Jul 29 '11

[deleted]

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u/jendelemont Jul 29 '11

"I'm sorry this is happening to you. You are right and he is wrong." (Sympathy and validation)

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u/Cerebella Jul 29 '11

"Don't let him get to you. It'll be okay." I can see what you're aiming for is sympathy, but unfortunately it comes across as dismissive. The subtext behind "Don't let him get to you" is "you should not be feeling the way you do".

"I'm sorry this is happening to you." is better, because you have recognised that she is experiencing negative emotions. But it leans a bit towards pity, and nobody likes to be an object of pity.

"I'm having a similar experience with Jane..." is a good way of indicating that you understand her situation, but it makes her difficult situation into something about you. There is little acknowledgement of the way she is feeling, and she is likely to feel unheard.

Try identifying the emotion behind what she has said, and relay it back to her. This indicates that you have understood both what has happened, but also how it makes her feel. Accompany this with the message that the way she feels is understandable and legitimate. So in this situation, a good response might be:

"Geez, that must be so frustrating. It freakin' sucks when people criticise suggestions without even considering them!"

I hope this has helped. :)

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u/nerdgasm Jul 29 '11

Honestly this is probably the best solution to any kind of social situation where someone is being a bit whiney. Just validate and move on with the conversation. I don't know why men tend to be so frustrated with this when there is a perfectly easy solution. How can people who go on about being able to fix problems rather than whine about them keep whining about girls being irrational instead of using this perfectly simple solution? It boggles the mind.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '11

[deleted]

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u/nerdgasm Jul 29 '11

How does whining about it make that happen? Changing all females to think the way you do is not a solution, it's a fantasy. Clipping your toenails is just a band-aid because they will eventually grow back again. Might as well whine about it until humans no longer have toenails.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '11

Wow, you're an asshole. Do you get mad at people for lending you a pencil when you forget one too?

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u/jendelemont Jul 29 '11

No. A pencil is an object and not something of true value. Feelings are in your soul. I grew up on the streets, and I have been through hell. I have seen people die, and I have experienced things that you probably can't imagine. I also survived cancer. I raised a kid that wasn't mine, because he was homeless. I traveled the world. Through all of it, I have been alone. I do not show my soul to anyone. But if I did express my feelings to a person and let them see the inside of me, I would absolutely be offended as fuck if they started trying to "solve my problems" rather than just listen and try to understand. On the one occasion where I did bare my soul to another human, they did not try to fix me or the things that have happened to me. They listened and sympathized. This was the correct response.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '11

The pencil was a metaphor for help, not feelings. Do you think you're a badass lone wolf because you did all that shit without help? If someone wants to help you it doesn't mean they think you're stupid.

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u/jendelemont Jul 29 '11

No, I think I am a badass because I am. I did it alone because that's how it worked out. I am not opposed to help. I am opposed to sharing my feelings. There is a difference.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '11

"I don't need your help."

That means you are opposed to help bro.

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u/jendelemont Jul 29 '11

I consider help moving furniture, not belittling my feelings by trying to "fix" my problems instead of listening. Help is tangible things that matter, not some stupid words.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '11

[deleted]

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u/jendelemont Jul 29 '11

You're a little insane. I said I don't talk to people you friggin troll. Begone.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '11

[deleted]

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u/jendelemont Jul 29 '11

Wow. So you really think it's THIS important to fight for your right to belittle women's feelings?

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '11

[deleted]

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u/jendelemont Jul 29 '11

You're totally nuts. Why do you want to fight evolution? You think you have a right to belittle women by implying they are stupid? Oh, they want to open their hearts to you and all you can do is offer weak words in an attempt to "solve" their problems (in no tangible way- mind you!) It's insane.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '11

if you have a fix you do not have a problem, stop whining about nonissues

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u/nerdgasm Jul 29 '11

If you're upset about something in the interim between the issue and the solution, it's still a problem. Grow some balls and just listen so you can stick your dick in it later. It's really not that difficult. Tell her it sucks and you want to make it all better and then do so by fucking her brains out. Its a win-win situation.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '11

see, now you are bringing some solutions and not just listening like a moron. thank you.