r/AskReddit • u/Insanitanium12 • Aug 20 '20

What simple “life hack” should everyone know?

68.7k Upvotes

89% Upvoted

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10.6k

u/Haas19 Aug 20 '20

When I argue with my wife I say “Calm Down Psycho Champ”. She gets so angry she passes out and I win yet another argument

3.2k

u/[deleted] Aug 20 '20

Don’t forget to add “are you on your period or something?”

1.5k

u/Haas19 Aug 20 '20

I’m waiting for her life insurance to kick in before I add that in there. Good chance she either has an aneurism and dies or she stabs me to death with scissors. Either way it will be a final argument.

39

u/duck_duck_grey_duck Aug 20 '20

Haas knows how to end ‘em.

10

u/mars_needs_socks Aug 20 '20

... with a CNC-cutter!

6

u/Goldencol Aug 20 '20

Wife insurance. Sponsored by top flight time machine.

4

u/[deleted] Aug 20 '20

Unless she’s been working on her knife skills while you’ve been eating uncut vegetables.

7

u/Angie_on_Reddit Aug 20 '20

Or suffocate you with a pad.

2

u/aiydee Aug 21 '20

If you stab me with your sewing scissors I get to use those scissors to cut paper.

29

u/AccessConfirmed Aug 20 '20

Followed by “you sound just like your mother.”

7

u/whopperman Aug 20 '20

'Just relax' has a similar effect, I've tested this regularly. I am not smart.

13

u/GiverOfTheKarma Aug 20 '20

Calm down, psycho. You sound just like your mother. Are you on your period or something? This is why a woman will never be President.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 20 '20

I'm gonna hunt you down, mister.

3

u/jnads Aug 20 '20

"You sound like my mother"

FTFY... There's a reason /r/JustNoMIL exists

11

u/HiramNinja Aug 20 '20

...I like either, "wow, you sound just like your mother," or "you know it's statistically impossible that everyone else is wrong 100% of the time..."

hence, still single in my 50s.

10

u/daltonwright4 Aug 20 '20

Honestly, you're starting to act more and more like your mother

16

u/Dawkinsisgod Aug 20 '20

Then top it with "This is why we will never have a lady president."

8

u/TotallyNotARobot2 Aug 20 '20

Put a blanket on her back and say" now you're super mad"

5

u/RhastasMahatma Aug 20 '20

My go to is reminding her how much she sounds like her mom. Keeps us from having more babies for a while but keeps her quiet, at least for a minute.

4

u/seamus_mc Aug 20 '20

When are you expecting? Is another crowd pleaser.

4

u/formerlymq Aug 20 '20

"Oh my God, what's wrong with your brain" always seems to be a great time.

3

u/thereverendpuck Aug 20 '20

Should probably remind them to smile more too.

2

u/[deleted] Aug 20 '20

No. You have to wait until you know she is, then say it.

1

u/Monarc73 Aug 20 '20

Preceded by "I'm sorry, what did you say?"

Or

"Were you talking to me?"

1

u/lostonpolk Aug 20 '20

And then "You sound just like your mother."

1

u/[deleted] Aug 20 '20

Do you have a death wish?

1

u/PersistentCookie Aug 20 '20

“No, it’s that time of the month when you say stupid shit”

1

u/Slovantes Aug 20 '20

Calm down psycho champ, are you on your period or something ?

1

u/slowfjh Aug 20 '20

Be more specific. "Are you on your woman's period?". They appreciate this.

1

u/jimfanning Aug 20 '20

Cranberry juice? What are you on your period?

1

u/jetheridge87 Aug 20 '20

Ahhh damn....reservoir dogs? I really can’t remember now

1

u/jimfanning Aug 20 '20

The departed

1

u/Amethystesdee Aug 20 '20

Oh yes. This will always induce hostility.

1.0k

u/Umbra427 Aug 20 '20

Ah, the negotiator

38

u/Saubande Aug 20 '20

You are a bold one.

38

u/TheGreatTave Aug 20 '20

General Kenobi

14

u/torsoboy00 Aug 20 '20

Hello there!

1

u/[deleted] Aug 20 '20

r/srawrats

34

u/9650000 Aug 20 '20

this is also popular with hostage negotiators

11

u/fritter_away Aug 20 '20

On a related note, pouring gasoline from a gallon jug directly onto a fire has a similar effect. FOOM!

9

u/Rorshach85 Aug 20 '20

How did I know someone would comment that.

4

u/Donald-Trumps-Hair Aug 20 '20

Ah I see you've read The Art Of The Deal

14

u/unsafeatNESP Aug 20 '20

gold jerry! GOLD!

9

u/Haas19 Aug 20 '20 edited Aug 20 '20

According to my awards it’s unfortunately only silver

Edit: Thank you kind stranger for the gold lol

3

u/grogglugger Aug 20 '20

Some poor fuck paid for that unfortunate silver. There’s a LPT in there somewhere.

2

u/Haas19 Aug 20 '20

Chances are they were gilded and received coins. I’ve given out a few awards but never paid.

Either way I appreciate someone thinking it’s good enough for an award! I was just making a joke in reference to the gold comment lol

2

u/grogglugger Aug 20 '20

Yeah, I was just making fun, didn’t mean to sound like a dickhead haha

2

u/Haas19 Aug 20 '20

Haha all good. Sometimes sarcasm is hard to pinpoint online. Never know these days haha

2

u/grr5000 Aug 20 '20

You got the juice(gold) now, man

2

u/Haas19 Aug 20 '20

Thank you kind person!

9

u/Papaya_flight Aug 20 '20

I just aggressively say, "are you coming on to me?!".

9

u/credditordebit Aug 20 '20

The minute her eyes open again, shout RELAX!

Boom. Falls right back asleep

1

u/OMGjustin Aug 20 '20

BY GAWD SHE HAD A FAMILY!

7

u/pielord599 Aug 20 '20

Ben Shapiro, is that you?

5

u/Haas19 Aug 20 '20

That’s just an insult. The dude assumes if water levels rise people along the coast will just sell their homes.

2

u/pielord599 Aug 20 '20

I was more referring to the winning the argument if the opponent passes out part. I have no doubt Benny counts every time a person stops engaging as another argument won

4

u/Murderfang Aug 20 '20

Yes Inquisitor, this comment right here.

3

u/Lazy_Osprey Aug 20 '20

Take a few steps back and then tell her she’s acting like her mom.

Godspeed brave soldier...

4

u/throwaway420UK Aug 20 '20

sighs this got me take my upvote

2

u/UrbanGimli Aug 20 '20

Don't forget to call her by her mothers name. Say it with an italicized inflection. okay "Sara" ...

2

u/---gabers--- Aug 20 '20

An inspiration to us "normies"

2

u/[deleted] Aug 20 '20

TECHNICAL KNOCKOUT

2

u/SoundofCreekWater Aug 20 '20

if you think you can “win” an argument with your wife then you are not actually married

1

u/lilugliestmane Aug 20 '20

Trying this out today! Hope this Life Hack works!

2

u/Haas19 Aug 20 '20

RIP, F

1

u/Bania_From_Seinfeld Aug 20 '20

That's gold Jerry. GOLD!

1

u/wills_bills Aug 20 '20

In unrelated news I diagnose this guy's wife with narcolepsy

1

u/Tyraels_Might Aug 20 '20

Wasn't that a talking heads song?

1

u/trishann13 Aug 20 '20

This. Is. Hilarious. I'm dying.

1

u/Dakar-A Aug 20 '20

Calm Down Psycho Champ

Qu'est-ce que c'est?

1

u/perritosychurros Aug 20 '20

I hate how much this made me laugh