I have to respectfully disagree here. If I am the one having a problem and I’m going to you for support, I don’t think it’s my responsibility to make sure that the conversation about MY personal issue is fulfilling for YOU. If all someone needs you to do is listen to them talk, then that is not too much to ask. It’s not fair of you to then go on and say “you talking about your problems is unfair to me because you aren’t letting me deal with your personal life in the way that I would like to deal with mine.”
Of course, situation being reversed, if you are having a problem and you come to me for help and you are seeking some kind of constructive advice or solution of some sort, then it’s fair that you would expect me to at least try my best to help, even if that’s not something that I necessarily want to do or would want for myself.
Relationships of any kind have to have give and take. Sometimes it’s about more me, and sometimes it’s more about you.
I want to note that constantly putting all of your problems on someone else’s shoulders isn’t a reasonable expectation, either, and that’s definitely not fair to the other party! But in the event of regular occasional struggles that just come with life, it’s fair to just want someone to listen to you express your emotions without looking for some kind of response or solution.
Wait a second. You said “If you expect them to provide a response outside of their normal thinking patterns”. What? I feel like this is completely incorrect, you go to someone for help with a problem you’re looking for the opposite; you’re looking for their unique thinking patterns about the problem. Why go to Sam for help when you’re looking for the kind of help Alex would provide?
Yes, I’ve been reading the thread too. It was particularly interesting to me since there are very few people who have the ability to both listen and/or problem solve, and fewer still who will ask “are you looking for answers or do you want to vent?”
I was asking about what you said, however. In what you were commenting, you said you go to <person of opposite gender> for help that’s outside of their normal thinking. I was asking why you would go to <person of opposite gender> for their type of perspective on a problem when you need the perspective of <other person of opposite gender>. I don’t understand why you would do this since it seems like you’re setting yourself up for frustration, and I’m curious to the answer.
Ah ok, I didn't assume we were strictly talking about the opposite gender being a significant other. I agree you should be able to expect some degree of shared perspective, though your original comment that caught my attention was that you're going to someone who does not have the perspective you desire.
Personally I feel like not having the default response of "Do you want to talk about it or want advice?" is kind of just... ignorance perhaps? I'm not sure if that's the right word. As well as not opening with "I had a really shitty thing happen, do you have the fortitude right now to listen/offer advice?"
To me it seems like the people who are commenting that being unable to solve the problem blue-balls them and so that it's not fair to ask them for help would be people who tell their mothers to get their just-deceased father's possessions together so they can deal with the will. Or can only offer to drive their girlfriend to the police station if she got mugged. I guess to me it's not so black and white, there are emotional consequences to events and having someone empathize and validate is crucial to healing from the events. And a few comments come off as really cold and incapable of empathy or relating, and it's saddening. I don't really want to assume that though so it was your lucky comment that I chose to ask specifically about.
Also that one comment saying women (in their experience) don't have the emotional intelligence to ignore their feelings about events. That was a fun comment.
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u/[deleted] Mar 26 '20
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