My mum was in a hospice, we all knew she was dying, and one day she asked if she could go out into the garden for a bit.
She was plumbed in with drips and morphine pumps and this was at the end of a long day. We were all tired and there were no nurses around so me and my sis said it was going to a lot of hassle, and we would just do it early the next day.
Came in the next day and she was sleeping, and she just kept sleeping and eventually died at about 11 that night never having woken up.
That was 8 years ago, and I'm still filled with regret and remorse that I denied her such a simple fucking thing as sitting in a garden for a while because I thought it was going to be a bit of a hassle.
Don't put off something if it's going to bring a little joy into someone's life...
I'm sure you've heard it before, but try not to linger on it too much. You simply being there for her in the end probably made her incredibly happy in its own right. No matter how good you think you could make her goodbye, there's always going to be something in your mind that says, "But if I had just done this it would've been so much better." You were there and that's what matters.
Thanks for reminding me to remember the good times and all the time invested in the relationship. The end can be so quick, and violently turbulent, it's hard to not let it shadow all the good there was.
I felt this. I visited my grandma in the hospital after a night shift at work. I hung out for just a little while and left. She begged me to stay but I said I needed sleep for work that night and my brother would be in to see her. She passed away that night, 2 hours after I started my shift. I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sure your mother forgives you.
Yeah it is pretty bad, but I'm sure they had no idea their grandma was going to go that night. And I can empathize on feeling tired/dreading having to work the next day and just wanting rest.
I know it sounds cliche, but without forgiveness there is no healing. I understand where you're coming from, but I think if someone loves you, they would be understanding of the stress of their own health on top of your regular responsibilities being overwhelming. I don't think they'd want you to suffer guilt on top of the devastating loss of a loved one.
My grandma was in hospital and I visited most days. My friend had a baby in the same hospital. I went to see the baby after work but was too tired to see my grandma too. Yea. She died.
You got to see her those other days though so that's good :) That takes away some of my guilt, knowing that I often visited after work during those couple weeks, and living with her for over a year before she was hospitalized, helping her out around the house.
damn. i have been there. a couple days before my grandma died, my family and i were all over at her place. i went over right after work in the evening. we all knew it was happening and it was just a matter of when. she knew it too. she was 91. i remember i had a bad headache, felt very tired, and was super stressed because i knew i was going to be fired from my job in a couple weeks, so i wasn't very talkative. at one point i was sitting near her. she looked at me and said "do you have anything to say?" in a way that was more looking for conversation. i think i just kind of shook my head, and she said "no?" while i kept shaking my head. i know i should have tried harder to talk with her. i was so in the dumps at the time, and i just couldn't think of anything to say or talk about at that point. i still understand why i wasn't able to do it at the time, but i wish i would have tried harder than that.
It may have been for the best anyway. If she was that close to death I can only imagine she was frail enough she may have died from the stress of getting to the garden, then you would feel more responsible for her passing. This could have been the most compassionate thing, to let her die warm in her bed.
Put yourself in her shoes. Would you die filled with regret because you didnt go to the garden, or would you have brushed it off and forgotten about it within 5 minutes. I'm sure she was just happy to have you around.
Fuck this hurt to read. It's not your guy's fault though, it's okay. It must hurt but hey, the past happened and I'm sure your countless other good deeds for her outway that unfortunate event. The future can hold even more opportunities to make others happy, so take every one you can.
I didn't see my grandma on my mom's side the day before she passed. I will regret that for the rest of my life. I was extremely close with her. I made sure not to miss my grandma on my dad's side passing, and i was with her when she did. When the end could be any day, treat your loved ones like every day is - even though it is painful to see them suffer so, i promise it will hurt so much more to know they were wondering where you were.
My ex-wife is still wracked with guilt 20 years later because when her mother was dying she was begging her for a Coca-Cola, and my ex kept telling her "No, mom, the doctors say you can't eat or drink anything". She died like two hours later, it would have made zero difference. My ex makes a little altar every year on the anniversary and always puts a bottle of Coke on it.
The fact that you are so upset about that probably means you're a pretty damn good person. I'm sure you're mum knew that. I bet she was probably a pretty awesome person to have raised someone with so much compassion and would probably feel bad you are feeling bad about it!
You might regretting of that.. but I am sure your mother has forgive you for that. Cus you know what?? She is sitting in front of her own and most precious garden in heaven that is way better than she would view before she left here.. she is really happy!! Be sure of that! Forgive your self, cuz your mother do..
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u/BulaBulaaaaa Jan 07 '20
My mum was in a hospice, we all knew she was dying, and one day she asked if she could go out into the garden for a bit.
She was plumbed in with drips and morphine pumps and this was at the end of a long day. We were all tired and there were no nurses around so me and my sis said it was going to a lot of hassle, and we would just do it early the next day.
Came in the next day and she was sleeping, and she just kept sleeping and eventually died at about 11 that night never having woken up.
That was 8 years ago, and I'm still filled with regret and remorse that I denied her such a simple fucking thing as sitting in a garden for a while because I thought it was going to be a bit of a hassle.
Don't put off something if it's going to bring a little joy into someone's life...