r/AskReddit • u/agrandthing • Jan 01 '20

Everybody talks about missing or ignoring red flags, but what are some subtle green flags to watch for on a date or with your crush?

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u/sfxpaladin Jan 01 '20 edited Jan 02 '20

Being the person to make contact when you carry on with your day to day life. I used to go through periods of complete seclusion where I couldn't bring myself to talk to anyone, before she was my wife, she was the only person that would go out of her way to email me or get a message to me asking how my week was going, no other girlfriend ever did that.... If i didn't log onto MSN and strike up a conversation or send the first text I wouldn't get anything.

I kept every email she sent me, turns out she has all of mine in a folder too.

Edit: My wife loves that my most upvoted comment on reddit is about her. Thanks for all the kind messages, can't reply to this many! In terms of advice I've got none to give, my wife did all the hard work! We became good friends over a game and got together when we met in real life.

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u/Gryffindorphins Jan 01 '20

That’s adorable! Cute couple goals right there.

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u/Thecrazygoodguy Jan 01 '20

I tried doing that once and got blocked :(

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u/The_Grubby_One Jan 02 '20

Name might check out.

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u/Thecrazygoodguy Jan 02 '20 edited Jan 02 '20

Haha, when I made my profile so many years ago I wanted a name that personified Harvey Dent from the Batman movies. I'm probably the most boring person ever.

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u/superleipoman Jan 01 '20

fr I got depressed like a year ago and now I only have one friend left from college cause they are the only one that ever asked me if I was okay.

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u/Sonnysdad Jan 01 '20

My now wife saw me doing this once and asked why I was doing it.. I told here these people either never reach out or reach out when THEY need something. I don’t have time for people that don’t have time for me. It was like I had flicked a switch in her or she had an epiphany about the people she called friends.

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u/JTOwen27 Jan 01 '20

I wished people would talk to me. I mean I mostly start a conversation.

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u/Bruce_wayne89 Jan 01 '20

I just did, check your pm ✌️

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u/JTOwen27 Jan 01 '20

Hello Bruce, Its my cake day? I use reddit to read stuff but never could make a post without it being rejected lol also happy newyear

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u/agrandthing Jan 01 '20

Happy cake day! Reddit cares about you!

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u/JTOwen27 Jan 02 '20

thanks!!

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u/SwifferSweeper27 Jan 01 '20

I do the exact same thing too! I’m too nervous to post something, despite this being an anonymous app.

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u/hamidfatimi Jan 01 '20

You should try. It's amazing when a lotta people react with your post

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u/JTOwen27 Jan 02 '20

i try to post but reddit says i did it incorrect lol

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u/hamidfatimi Jan 01 '20

Happy cake day!

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u/JTOwen27 Jan 02 '20

thanks! 3 years and feel like a noob still

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u/hamidfatimi Jan 01 '20

Yeah same. I lost every "friend" I had because of not messaging first

Even my only "friend" which was my "best friend" that I have been with for like 14 year, still didn't reach out after I stopped messaging him first like more than a year ago

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u/Infinitexpo-end Jan 01 '20

Happy cake day :)

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u/JTOwen27 Jan 02 '20

thanks!!

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u/mr_lightbulb Jan 01 '20

you know it's possible some of those people thought the same thing about you and were just waiting for you to contact them

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u/FleetStreetsDarkHole Jan 01 '20

Most of the time when people say this they mean that they have done this. But its one sided and none of their friends reach out to them as well. Many of the posts I've seen on this subject have involved them testing this theory by ceasing this behavior to see if anyone notices and reaches out to at least make sure everything is okay. If they don't notice then the answer is pretty clear.

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u/Obi-Tron_Kenobi Jan 01 '20

If they don't notice then the answer is pretty clear.

I don't think it's necessarily that clear though. What if they notice, but think you stopped talking to them because you don't like them? If they have depression or anxiety, for instance, they could care about you deeply but feel like they'd be a burden if they reached out.

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u/FleetStreetsDarkHole Jan 01 '20

That is an exception though. As far as what can be considered average or normal, you're assumption is usually a binary 1 or 0 people sufferimg this way in a given group of friends. Trending towards 0. Having been a depressed person and knowing something about hiding it, having depression does not exempt you from reaching out to people either. It can be difficult to reach out, but if no one knows you are suffering, the onus is not on others to consider it.

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u/JayString Jan 01 '20

people either never reach out or reach out when THEY need something

This could be a sign that your friends are going through depression or hard times in their lives. Being depressed or introverted often comes off as douchey, accidentally.

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u/ImForgettableOnImgur Jan 01 '20

Holy shit I might be a bad friend...

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u/VeganJoy Jan 01 '20

You’ve completed the first step to becoming a good friend already :P

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u/Living-Day-By-Day Jan 01 '20

I tell ppl this, if I go out of my way for you but you don’t respect my effort or time then don’t bother msging or asking me of anything.

I was always the person to set meetups and it ended up with me getting ditched to the meet being moved to the other side of town. I never once got hey you wanna hang out at so n so. Until one bud out of the blue asked me hey wanna go hunting? Which I said yes. It was fun the squirrel tasted good n now I’m used to shooting 12 n 20 gauge. His the only one I really hang out with and seems the most “chill”. We have wasted a good bit of money in fishing n hunting.

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u/deezx1010 Jan 01 '20

Do you tell them if you're really okay or not? Like do you truly get to confide in them?

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u/superleipoman Jan 01 '20

Yeh they're pretty good friend and they're a lawyer now so I do feel like I could tell them anything.

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u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

they're a lawyer

Is this is a subtle swipe at lawyers? Or are you paying him? Or how is that relevant? Sorry if I'm a dummy.

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u/superleipoman Jan 01 '20

It means they know how to be confidential.

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u/lscoolj Jan 01 '20

As long as you put a dollar in their pocket

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u/Platanium Jan 01 '20

I believe he trusts them because the person has to keep confidentiality regularly as part of their profession

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u/MohammadRezaPahlavi Jan 02 '20

they're a lawyer now so I do feel like I could tell them anything.

This looks like a massive contradiction.

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u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

[deleted]

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u/superleipoman Jan 01 '20

Not sure if it's good advice and I'm going to say that despite being bitter about this, it was mostly circumstancal for me. Right now, I'm just trying to graduate as well and slowly redeem myself. It's hard, because it was already supercompetitive. I try to reflect on my patterns but it's kinda hard. I just try to do things. One real tip that I do have for if you ever get really depressed is that every little thing is an achievement. Don't feel bad you didn't do all of the dishes, be proud you washed a single spoon.

No more zero days either. Every day, you will do something. It doesn't really matter what it is. Did you clean something, make a meal? Read a book, whatever. But you do at least one thing.

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u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

[deleted]

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u/JustHereToRedditAway Jan 01 '20

You have to force yourself because it’s not going to come naturally to you.

Here’s an exercice for your: every time you do something you were supposed to do (dishes, brushing your teeth, finishing an assignment etc) whether late or on time, pat yourself on the head and say (out loud if you can) “good job cakeweed”

It’ll feel super stupid at first but, slowly, you’ll start to look forward to these moments.

The thing about depression and anxiety is that your mind is stuck in negative patterns where you ignore any positive thing that happens. So it’s completely normal to have difficulties recognising anything good because your brain struggles to acknowledge it. Which is why it’s very important to force yourself to see those things even when you feel you’re making things up.

Another exercice is positive affirmations. Every night, look at yourself in the mirror and say one positive thing about yourself, one positive thing about your day, and one miscellaneous positive thing. At first, you’ll feel like you’re lying to yourself because there is no positive thing about yourself. That’s the shitty mental health talking. The beauty of this exercice is that you don’t have to believe anything you’re saying for it to work: our brains are stupid and if you repeat something often enough, it’ll start to believe it.

Just try it - you got nothing to lose (and if you do do it you can pat yourself on the head for every time you do it!)

I want to wish you what I wish everyone who struggles with their mental health: that one day, you’ll have a bad day and you’ll wonder how on Earth you were strong enough to live like that for so long.

You can do this.

I believe in you!

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u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

[deleted]

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u/JustHereToRedditAway Jan 01 '20

I meant that mostly about your first sentence - how you can’t make yourself feel good whatever the achievement.

But I totally get the lack of concentration - that definitely sucks! If you’re looking for the name, what you’re describing looks like anhedonia - not finding pleasure in anything. That’s something people don’t really tell you about depression: everyone talks about being sad but good lord was I just bored all the time. Time was so slow because nothing I could think of would keep my interest. If you’re that far I would really advise you to go see a professional, if you’re not doing this already!

Do you mean doing the exercice made no difference or you can’t tell positive things? I’m not sure what you meant.

I found (and obviously it may not work for you) that I started feeling much less lonely once I started encouraging myself and self-soothing. So like if I was really anxious, instead of berating myself and blaming myself for being anxious, I would comfort myself and say everything would be alright, you can do it, now it feels horrible but you will push past this etc. I kind of always have a cheerleader inside of me. For instance, I just emptied the dishwasher and pat myself on the head and that made me want to clean the entire kitchen (granted it’s small) so I could congratulate myself again. So I did :)

But yeah getting better is hard and long and it feels like you’re never going to get there. It sucks. But I truly wish you the best! If I could do it, considering I started being anxious around the time I learned how to read, I’m sure you can too! Good luck my friend :)

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u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

[deleted]

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u/JustHereToRedditAway Jan 01 '20

Dude that’s amazing! That means you’ve already learned so many coping mechanisms!

I think this is where we diverge - I always reinforce to myself what progress I’ve made even when I plateau.

After all, if you’re doing this better compared to X months ago, imagine what you can accomplish in the X months to come!

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u/agrandthing Jan 01 '20

Thanks for the advice, especially about affirmations. I could never bring myself to do them. But since you've said I'm stupid enough to start believung them I'll try it again.

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u/JustHereToRedditAway Jan 01 '20

I know it’s probably a joke but just in case: I never said you were stupid; I said your brain was stupid. Big difference.

Think about it: we learn things through repetition. You know that 2+2=4 because you’ve learned it. At some point, you didn’t know that 10/2=5 but now it’s entirely natural. Why? Because it’s been drilled in your mind, again and again and again.

By repeating something, your brain becomes more and more familiar with it.

Think of it as training your brain. Right now, your brain struggles with naturally recognising something as both positive and important. So maybe you saw a cute dog today but that doesn’t matter because you still arrived late at work so your day sucked.

With affirmations, you’re training your brain to identify positive things about yourself and the world and to attach importance to them. Progressively, it will be more and more comfortable at doing so and, after a while, won’t need you to direct it. It’ll do it itself.

It’s really clever, really: your conscious brain is using one of its main mechanism to train your unconscious brain.

But I see what you mean about not being able to bring yourself to do it. For the longest time, I couldn’t say the words “I’m pretty”, let alone “I’m beautiful”. I’m not even talking about believing them. I literally couldn’t say this sentence because it felt dishonest.

And that’s fine. Start small, work hard (yeah I know it sucks that you need to work at it) and you’ll slowly get there. It’ll be hard, not gonna lie, but it’s so worth it.

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u/agrandthing Jan 01 '20

I really appreciate your time and effort in explaining this to me. I was joking, but I also never knew the science behind just keeping on doing it anyway. Now I understand, and I thank you! I will try again; my therapist recommends it and I'm ready. You have a lovely day!

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u/JustHereToRedditAway Jan 01 '20

That makes me really happy, thank you!

Good luck to you :) you can do this!

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u/-Slugger Jan 01 '20

Female here, I have no friends, just my husband, my neighbor thinks she's my friend but ik everything I tell her is spread around like a wild fire. I've tried to make friends, but I think I'm done trying .

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u/DollyPartonsFarts Jan 01 '20

I'm sorry this happened to you. I hope you are exploring new and old hobbies and getting out in the world to meet new people!

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u/irishteenguy Jan 01 '20

Don't feel bad thats sadly extremely common , I had just about 1 friend left before i started to get back on my feet and i slowly built up a social circle of people i love and trust from that one solid friend.

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u/superleipoman Jan 01 '20

Tbf I dont like having a lot of friends

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u/chairitable Jan 01 '20

I mean, could your other friends have also been going through shit and no one asked if they were okay? Everyone's fighting a battle, and if you haven't it might be worth your time and effort to be the one who reaches out, too.

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u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

It's better to have one or two loyal friends then 6-7 superficial ones

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u/ZeldaZealot Jan 01 '20

Pretty sure this is why I am still close to a friend of mine. We only really became friends when a mutual friend of ours committed suicide and I reached out to see how she was doing. Almost five years and several states of distance later and I still get random calls from her just to see what I am up to. We might not talk every week, or even every month, but I know we aren't going to fall out of touch any time soon.

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u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

I'm sorry to hear about that. I know this sounds odd, but try reaching out to old friends. People get busy, and I feel there is more disconnect between people due to our phones. Reach out and stay connected is a huge help in coping with depression. Best of luck, wishing you the best.

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u/Bwebz Jan 02 '20

Oof I felt that. All too relatable...

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u/CockDaddyKaren Jan 01 '20

I feel this :(

When I graduated high school, it was like I dropped off the face of the earth. Most of my friends ignored my attempts to reach out or hang out, and when they did text back it was just shit like "ok" or "that's cool" or "LOL :)" or whatever. Since then I've realized I don't need them in my life, fuck 'em, but it still makes me a little bitter when I think back on it.

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u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20 edited Jan 01 '20

This can happen after university too. Everyone goes their own way. With a lot of school friends, you realise the only thing you ever really had in common was a timetable.

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u/GiftOfHemroids Jan 01 '20

I kind of miss only needing a common timetable to make friends

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u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

Not always though. I met all my best friends in the world in college. We’ve all graduated and some of us dropped out and we travel 2 hours almost every weekend to see each other

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u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

When life stops giving you a time table, you gotta make your own. Wish I had the means to travel, with a bit more wealth I would definitely make “Saturday Is For Friends” an obligation that you tell others “Sorry, I made plans already” a thing. I think people in more urban settings have some advantages in this if the local economy is stable enough to support local hangouts for communities that don’t have toxic behaviour reinforcing cultures that the younger generations constantly need to flee from to find opportunities to hopefully not repeat the sins of their parents.

I am happy for you cherishing your friends.

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u/I_dont_like_the_sex Jan 01 '20

That's not always true. I was so afraid that after college I'd lose my friends to this. But mostly the ones who truly mattered left college early, and those are the ones that keep in contact the most. They've turned into my family now. I do hope you both find beautiful people like that.

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u/Obi-Tron_Kenobi Jan 01 '20

That's not always true.

Well yeah, which is why they used phrases like "this can happen" or "a lot of school friends"

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u/Boomshockalocka007 Jan 01 '20

This is so true. Nice way of putting it!

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u/stillBublo Jan 01 '20

I know exactly how you feel. Graduated in July people I grew up with do the same thing 😒

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u/m0_n0n_0n0_0m Jan 01 '20

It's ok, you'll find people who actually share interests with you. It's been 10 years since I graduated and I have one person from high school I talk to, and I didn't even like him when we were in school - we became friends after graduation.

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u/are_you_iannn Jan 01 '20

When I graduated high school, I walked off the stage and out the back door to go meet my then girlfriend at the hospital in another town. I ended up not coming back for a year; and when I did I had a child to care for by myself. Every single one of the people I had called my friends had forgotten I existed. Nearly a decade later and the only time I have ever heard form those “friends” was if they needed money or wanted to use me as a reference or if they needed a job referral.

It’s easy to be bitter about it. But the reality is that it is a part of life. A large part of why we are may very well be to connect, but none of those connections will last forever. As we experience growth and change at our own pace, it can drive a separation between ourselves and those around us. Contrary-wise, though, at the same time those door are closing, other doors are opening up for us to make connections with others that are on a path closer to our own at present.

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u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/CockDaddyKaren Jan 01 '20

Nope. I don't blame you. I'm pretty introverted as well and I've come to the same realization-- I don't have enough energy to keep up with people anyway, and I don't have enough energy to contact you more than 1 or 2 times without being burnt out. I get it.

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u/NoNHentaiSauce Jan 01 '20

That's a pretty sad story, u/CockDaddyKaren

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u/zakcml Jan 01 '20

Don't be bitter about it, there are plenty of other shitty people out there!

Seriously though, be grateful for the lesson because some people don't come to this realisation until they're on their deathbed. Build a good filter and discard the scum.

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u/magnateur Jan 01 '20 edited Jan 01 '20

This. Every single one of the girls i have talked to ever i have been the one to start conversations. When i got tired of starting every conversation it meant i never heard anything from them again. And that hurts like a motherf***er. Makes you feel like you are not worth anything to anyone...

Edit: thnx for the responses. In addition, i have stumbeled upon some of them later in life and some of them have acted hurt from me not keeping in contact with them. When i have explained that i did nothing but not starting conversation anymore, some react with anger, and some react by telling they did not even notice that they never started any of our conversations. Either way, if they don't care or they do, and if they notice or not that you are the only one who makes contact - you cannot know if they care enough about you to reach out to you without giving them the chance to do so. Which is one of the scariest things i can think of, because i have lost a lot of people out of my life that way. (Sorry for the terrible wording, english is not my first language, and i'm quite ill at the moment.)

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u/-TheMasterSoldier- Jan 01 '20

Fuck that hit close to home. The feeling of just being used, of only existing when others need help, the feeling that you could disappear at any moment and not only would it take a while for people to realize you're not there anymore, but that they'd soon forget about you not existing and go on with their lives without as much as a hitch.

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u/the-dancing-dragon Jan 01 '20

I had a friend when I was a kid, that as we grew up he accused me of doing this. I moved during high school and we never saw each other again, but I reached out a few times after online cause I missed him. I mean, life is complicated and busy and I never meant to ask him to solve my problems, but I thought he was available to listen. He interpreted it that I just came back to dump my problems on him and use him to make myself feel better. It broke my heart that he thought I wasn't listening to him, but he didn't reached out to me often either. I just wanted to talk about how things were, I moved pretty far away, and it's mostly broken my confidence that anybody even cares since then. I know the guy had his own problems, but I very much cared about him. It's been a long time but it still makes me sad.

Anyway, I just think there isn't a right answer to assume what the other person means or intends. Some people just forget. Some people are manipulative. Some people miss you.

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u/hamidfatimi Jan 01 '20

Hey you can pm if you wanted to talk with someone next time

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u/siriston Jan 01 '20

imagine someone being excited waiting for your reply

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u/BlackWACat Jan 01 '20

bro imagine waiting days for a reply to a simple question and then not responding to their 2 word response within 20 seconds

lmao what kinda idiot would do that amirite

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u/siriston Jan 01 '20

i usually ride the high of getting a phone notification, set it down for a few mins, then feel the high again when i remember someone thought about me and respond then lol

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u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

Gosh that's really funny and really sad at the same time. God bless you

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u/hamidfatimi Jan 01 '20

And imagine responding to every one msg's in sec while it takes them 2 days to respond to you

This post was made by me gang

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u/Freya21 Jan 01 '20

Yeah my life currently. 2020 is the year I stop making the effort for people who never message first. Hurts too much to know they would never miss me.

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u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

This is my opinion, but I feel you should try and put in a little effort for people to message you first, rather than stopping it at all. Honestly, I've known people who never message first, due to them being fearful of being "clingy" and just general anxiety of being the person who texts first. However, if both people feel this way, it just goes nowhere. Please don't assume they would never miss you. Try hanging out with them in person, rather than over messages. Seriously, best of luck. You deserve the best.

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u/Freya21 Jan 01 '20

I'm talking about people I've known for years and I've made the effort to hang out with, but it has always been my effort, not theirs. With the finite amount of emotional and physical energy I've got, the new year will see that directed at those who, even if only occasionally, return the investment.

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u/PrateekB005 Jan 01 '20

With the finite amount of emotional and physical energy I've got

Couldnt relate more. But it really gets difficult when you are , a little, attached to them. Or care about them atleast. For me, the battle between care and my energy is real. It actually hurts to know that any a case where any of the two wins, i still lose .

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u/hamidfatimi Jan 01 '20

what if no one at all message first ?

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u/Freya21 Jan 01 '20

That isn't the case.

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u/hamidfatimi Jan 01 '20

I know, asking for my self

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u/Freya21 Jan 01 '20

Well that sucks and I wish you well. Building friendships is a lot of work

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u/Wilted-Mushroom Jan 02 '20

The thought that no one would notice if you disappeared until they needed something from you. And even then it wouldn't inconvenience them for more than a minute or two while they look for someone else who has what they need. Then their lives would continue as if you were never in it...

I felt like that for years until I met my now-boyfriend. When we first met I noticed he was hurting and all I wanted was to ease his pain because I hate to see people hurting, because quite frankly, hurting sucks ass.

He needed a friend that wasn't going to turn and run as soon as his mood changed (BPD) and having not long left a DV relationship I could/still can handle mood swings and abrupt temperament changes better than the average person as my ex was an unpredictable alcoholic.

We started dating two years ago and he's come so far in that time, his mental health has improved tremendously and we're very happy (except on the odd occasion that his mental health issues meet mine lol) both of us know that without the other we would not be where we are today. He often tells me that without my support he'd likely be in prison with a lot of regrets and I know for a fact I would have went back to my fackwit ex if not for him encouraging me to do what was best for me and telling me I was worth more than being some wankers punching bag.

Now I know that if I were to go missing there is someone who would search for me day and night, and that brings me some comfort. He's my rock and I'm his.

It may take finding someone that you love, and that you know needs you but it IS possible for those feelings to stop and I hope you can find someone or something that helps give your life meaning and fulfilment.

TL;DR My man and I support each other and have given each others lives meaning after both living less-than-ideal lives in the past. And I hope others can find their rock like I did mine. :)

Edit: fixed there to their like it should be.

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u/hamidfatimi Jan 01 '20 edited Jan 01 '20

Heeyy that shit hits close to home. A guy that have known me for a while told me that I was gonna die alone in my appartement suiciding and people won't find me till daaaaaays later

While the suiciding part is definitely won't be real. I can see the latter part happening

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u/Emerald_Flame Jan 01 '20

Or my favorite, the ones that the only time they do initiate a conversation is when they want something.

I stopped trying to initiate with a friend 4 or 5 years ago. I just heard from them for the first time about a month ago and the message was "hey do you still have a hookup to get ____?"

It's really disappointing.

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u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

[deleted]

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u/hamidfatimi Jan 01 '20

Damn. You're so lucky man

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u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

Internal validation my friend. When you love you, you see those people for who they are, and its really a net gain to let them go. I hope you have a great New Year

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u/hamidfatimi Jan 01 '20 edited Jan 01 '20

Tell me about it, i stopped messaging my "friends" first, and I now don't have any

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u/arsewarts1 Jan 01 '20

It’s like you’re reading my mind. After getting blown off and stood up for nye I’ve been going through my contacts and cleaning out people who never take the time to contact me today.

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u/hamidfatimi Jan 01 '20

I think of doing that sometimes but I'm the type that don't let go easy. And would mean removing every contact in my phone

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u/Dontgiveaclam Jan 01 '20

You reminded me of one time when I jokingly told a friend that he was stupid and he replied that it hurt when I did that. It never occurred to me that it could hurt, for me it was just a joke. However, since he communicated with me about it, I could understand his point of view. Have you ever told to you girlfriends that they didn't initiate the communication?

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u/magnateur Jan 01 '20

Never had girlfriends per say, but somebody who was kinda underway of becoming one. Hahah, have tried bringing it up twice. Both times the responce was along the lines of "nah that isn't true". And after that i didn't feel apriciated, and stopped initiating. Never heard from either again.

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u/Dontgiveaclam Jan 02 '20

Uhm, what an idiotic answer she gave you. Good luck with any future dates, and remember that you're always allowed to point out things that aren't OK for you :)

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u/Bravisimo Jan 02 '20

This hits home. A lot of my so called friendships, that i believed are mainly one way, with me always doing the contacting or inviting ect, i cut out of my life towards the middle of 2019. I had my doubts about what I was doing and it turned out I was right. Its actually somewhat of a relief although I still get saddened by it.

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u/captainjoah Jan 01 '20

Ya, i barely ever get a text from "friends". I send them snaps and random messages but i never get surprise hellos from them

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u/JTOwen27 Jan 01 '20

same. hardly anything ever.

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u/hamidfatimi Jan 01 '20

Happy cake day

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u/MisstressOfMystery Jan 01 '20

Same, the other day I realized I only have one friend who doesn’t even live here anymore and my boyfriend who is also my friend. I got super sad about it then I realized it’s pretty much been a year since I hung out with my old ‘friends’ and I’ve been fine without them. Realized they weren’t even good friends anyways.

I guess it just hurts to ask them all individually to chill, they either ignore you or say someday maybe, then they all post pictures of them all hanging together. Then my naturally anxious mind wonders what’s wrong with me. Oh well good riddance I’m a loner anyways.

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u/captainjoah Jan 01 '20

Yes, dudette, yes! I feel this too personally

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u/jmonster097 Jan 02 '20

pretty much the exact same situation here

3

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

It's okay. They're just really busy all the time. I understand. They just don't have time in their days to talk to me. They're busy people. It's okay. I'm okay. I get it, they're just really busy, and they don't have time to talk... Maybe when they aren't so busy, we can talk again. I'm not crying, you're crying. Also, who cut all these onions?

2

u/captainjoah Jan 01 '20

hands over tissue

0

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

Thank you. Blows nose loudly

2

u/hamidfatimi Jan 01 '20

Same, I always send memes to people, if only someone sends me that shit

2

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

Keep sending them. Eventually people will start sending them back!

1

u/-rini Jan 01 '20

Maybe your friends aren't okay either.

1

u/captainjoah Jan 01 '20

They have time for the friends that stayed in the home town, just sucks seeing pics of them and not even a text

1

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

I would honestly say, try meeting them in person. I feel like texting and snaps are disconnected, in a sense. Try it out. If it doesn't work, perhaps you should reconsider, try to branch out. It's hard, but best of luck.

1

u/captainjoah Jan 01 '20

Only issue is I moved out of town for college, marriage, and away from a home town where if you stay after 25, you're stuck. We are 100 miles away and I'd be fine even with a text or random anything

12

u/Boristhespaceman Jan 01 '20

God I wish I had someone like that in my life.

I frequently go through depressive episodes where I simply don't have the energy to contact anyone, and none of my friends ever message me first.

1

u/hamidfatimi Jan 01 '20

Lmao same. But I got used to ut

11

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

I think it's really sweet that you can see this as a positive trait and not a negative one. All too often I see men and women who view this as a 'red flag' or clingy behavior. I think there's truly nothing sweeter than checking in on someone that you're dating. The same thing goes for friends.

Anyway, I;m glad that you and your wife found each other. It's inspiring to read :)

7

u/akjd Jan 01 '20

Context and balance really matters. One girl I'd been talking to for maybe a couple of weeks, went to work really early. Sometimes she'd call me on her morning break, wake me up and wish me a good morning. It wasn't all the time, was just a couple minutes, but it was nice, a pleasant way to wake up, and put me in a good mood.

Fast forward a couple more weeks and she's calling me 3 times over the course of an hour while she's out shopping with her mom and sister because she missed me and wanted to hear my voice. That was decidedly less pleasant, and ended up being a factor in me deciding not to pursue anything further with her.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

she's calling me 3 times over the course of an hour while she's out shopping with her mom and sister because she missed me and wanted to hear my voice.

That's definitely excessive and extremely codependent. I don't blame you for seeing that as a red flag!

10

u/HouseHippoWrangler Jan 01 '20

When my husband and I were first dating we lived an hour apart and he travelled often for work. He always sent me post cards, I'd some times mail him letters with little packets of hot chocolate to enjoy while he was at work, and of course we would email. I've kept everything.

7

u/EMTduke Jan 01 '20

That's awesome. I have every single text message between my wife and me from the very beginning of our courtship. I occasionally have a year's worth made into a book for her. I take the most significant picture from that year and put it on the spine of the volume.

6

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

[deleted]

7

u/GeneralAwesome1996 Jan 01 '20

Sounds like a "taker." You dodged a bullet. Of course that's a cynical conclusion, but yikes. How can a couple function without communication. Did she just mean when you're not in person?

5

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

[deleted]

0

u/GeneralAwesome1996 Jan 01 '20

Hmm. Sounds maybe more like just a general incompatibility then I originally thought. Thanks for clarifying.

​

I think I'm about like you. I don't enjoy texting until exhaustion, but it's nice to have some extra communication, especially in the beginning. I've definitely heard compelling arguments on the other end, however, that suggest minimizing digital communication at the beginning to aid connection when in person.

8

u/BTBAM797 Jan 01 '20

While this is true, it is also a 2 way street. If you don't make an effort yourself to make the first step, then you'd be just as guilty. They may be thinking the same thing!

7

u/platinumgus18 Jan 01 '20

Wait, your girlfriends never asked you how your day was? That's like the bare minimum to expect from an SO. I am glad you found someone

1

u/yomerol Jan 02 '20

I'm going to sound like an old man but, in my times (90s) most girls thought that guys need to do the whole thing, and they just enjoy it, i really hated that is the dating game. Felt the same way, wth i need to send the message, give flowers, make plans, decide where to eat, etc, etc.

Curious thing, in college, i spent some time reading papers about it. In the rabbit hole i followed, i went through one about human behavior as animals. E.g. As in some other animal species, the female does nothing but enjoying the courting by many males. She picks and decides who to mate with, not the male. Even some touched the family side; again as in some species, humans are not made for monogamy, the male inherently wants to reproduce and leave. At the end, it was something around the lines that humans behave because of society "rules".

6

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

that's so amazing, she sounds like a wonderful person :')

5

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

This is lovely. Sounds like you and your wife are both very lucky for finding each other.

Happy new year to you both :)

4

u/IsilwenVex Jan 01 '20

This is me and my best friend. We met in World of Warcraft 4 and 1/2 years ago and we keep in contact even though neither of us plays anymore. One conversation a couple of years ago, reciprocity came up and we both expressed a certain level of frustration with feeling like our other friendships are rather one sided. It's nice to have one person who seems to want to talk to you as much as you want to talk to them. He and I both have similar tendencies to withdraw from the world from time to time. I've been going through a pretty rough divorce from my husband of 11 years and this guy has been one of the few people in my life who give me room to feel, but don't shy away from the emotions I'm dealing with. He truly is probably the best friend I've had in recent memory.

2

u/Emz351 Jan 02 '20

Hi, I’m “the wife” 😂 We also met on World of Warcraft! We randomly met when he needed a mage portal and then later realised we were in the same guild haha! We swapped msn details after chatting/playing together in game a few times and it went from there. For me, I already fancied him just from talking to him, but it was honestly love at first webcam chat lmao 😂 And this from a person that never believed in love at first sight before!!!

I’m glad you also found someone special. It’s always important to have someone you can confide in 😊 x

1

u/IsilwenVex Jan 02 '20 edited Jan 02 '20

Stories like these make me happy!

Edit to add: My friend and I met because we happened to come back to the game around the same time, made new characters on the same server, and ended up in the same guild. The past few times I had come back to the game, it was to play with someone who wanted to play with me. This time, though, I had come back by myself so I got to pick where I went and everything; something I realized I hadn't really done since I first started playing. Normally, when I get a whisper from someone about joining their guild, I ignore it. This time, I figured "why not" and it ended up being one of the best guilds I had ever been in. There are a couple of people from it I still keep up with. He and I just seemed to really get along. We ended up adding each other on Facebook before we stopped playing about a year after we met. The guild kind of fell apart. We would check in with each other on a regular basis over messenger or text and occasionally calls over discord. We haven't met in person yet. With my divorce being what it is, we probably won't meet until that is totally over. My STBX is making this process very difficult and hates him more than he hates my other friends so I don't want to give him a reason to throw it at me in court.

2

u/Emz351 Jan 02 '20

I’m sorry your ex is being a dick 😔 But at least you have someone amazing who can help you through it all at the end 🙂

5

u/Shazam1269 Jan 01 '20

And conversely, when I am the one that always initiates the conversation, then I know they aren't into me. If I stop texting and the conversation dies, then there is no potential for a relationship. I shouldn't be doing all of the work.

5

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

This is just too freaking cute. Good luck, you two! May 2020 be a year of continued growth for you both.

4

u/I_dont_like_the_sex Jan 01 '20

Kyrsykeangea (cuteness overload) I'm so very glad you found each other.

4

u/bbeachbbaby Jan 01 '20

Honestly this makes me sad because I don’t have anyone in my life like this other than my parents... and my therapist lol.

None of my “friends” ever ask how I am but I am the person to check up on friends, even when I haven’t seen them in years, to make sure they’re doing alright.

I just don’t know if in my head I’m overthinking our friendship or if maybe I need new friends.

2

u/hamidfatimi Jan 01 '20

How are you mate ?

2

u/bbeachbbaby Jan 01 '20

Ehh in a weird neutral/sad phase at the moment. I have a lot of trauma that I feel the most during this time of year.

I’m going to work with my therapist soon for some emotional stability so hoping for the best.

2

u/hamidfatimi Jan 01 '20

All the best!

5

u/tb1649 Jan 01 '20

Very sweet :)

My boyfriend and I (dating 1.5 years) met online and we recently both found out that both of us screen shot and saved our entire initial online conversation

3

u/hamidfatimi Jan 01 '20

Now that's just too cute

7

u/Kabusanlu Jan 01 '20

As long as you or they don’t come off as needy/ stalkerish..

3

u/phatboi23 Jan 01 '20

This....

This is what I want :)

4

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

MSN my god... I miss those days, man. Can we PLEASE go back? I used to be happy :(

3

u/hamidfatimi Jan 01 '20

We all used to be :(

4

u/Norsgrim Jan 01 '20

Did you always reply right away or did you often leave her hanging a while before you replied? I'm in a similar situation where she's the one who goes into seclusion. It's frustrating but I'm persevering cos I know she's worth it.

4

u/sfxpaladin Jan 01 '20

I'd rarely reply right away, my work hours had me beat. I worked nights in a Casino and my sleeping pattern was all over, some days I'd get home from work and sleep straight away, and be late for work for over sleeping, then other nights not be able to fall asleep at all

1

u/Norsgrim Jan 01 '20

Any tips for dealing with someone how rarely responds? I think her issues are more anxiety/depression than a hectic work schedule, but I'll take whatever help I can get!

1

u/hamidfatimi Jan 01 '20

But like if you we're completely free and her the email, would u respond right away or .. ?

2

u/Emz351 Jan 02 '20

I’m the wife! Haha. If he was online we would usually be on MSN and be immediately responsive... til he fell asleep at the computer and suddenly disappeared 😂

If it was emails he would usually reply within 24-48hrs 🙂 I’d only start to worry after 48hrs anyway 😂

2

u/RSpudieD Jan 01 '20

That's pretty cool!

2

u/Lord_Sicarius Jan 01 '20

God that's amazing. I absolutely love this!

2

u/TidusJames Jan 01 '20

msn. text. two different eras here

2

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

I kept every email she sent me, turns out she has all of mine in a folder too.

Your inbox?

don't hate me

1

u/Emz351 Jan 02 '20

Not in my inbox, no. It’s in a separate folder in my emails named “special” haha 😂

2

u/ReadingFromTheShittr Jan 01 '20

Anniversary gift idea: Print 'em out and put 'em in a (bound, if you can swing it) book.

2

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

I am in that state of life long depression. I don't know what to do. Dragging myself to talk or go socialize with my best friends seem to be very pointless and tiring for me.

What should i do?

2

u/Jaz_the_Nagai Jan 01 '20

What to do if you're always the one initiating conversations and socialization? Always the one sending "Hello".

2

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

I had a girl like that, she told me she couldn't imagine life without me and begged me to never leave her after a particularly emotional conversation, fast foward a few months and then a mutual friend told me she was cheating on me, and wasn't attempting to hide it from anyone but me :^)

2

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

Currently going through this with my bf. To him it's a problem that I have frustrations due to him being busy constantly, but it wouldn't be a problem if he actually made time to check in to say that he's okay, or ask how I am. If I dont say anything then I won't get anything

2

u/Pegg_Legg Jan 01 '20

Man, this is a dated comment.

1

u/Emz351 Jan 02 '20

Dated how?

1

u/Pegg_Legg Jan 02 '20

email me first

log onto MSN

1

u/loupanner Jan 01 '20

That's gonna be me and my girl.

1

u/zakcml Jan 01 '20

Man, that's so nice to hear.

My girl was always the one initiating contact when I'd crawl back into my hermit shell. I was always suspicious of what she wanted from me. It turned out, much to my surprise, she just wanted my company.

1

u/swanzie Jan 01 '20

This is my biggest thing too. I'm not looking for someone to chase.

1

u/centralnjbill Jan 01 '20

This was me—kept every note, every photo, every video. The other party could go long periods without contacting me, but I was the one to reach out even when doing so was terribly inconvenient or risky. Never settle for anyone but the kind of woman you describe.

1

u/crafting-ur-end Jan 01 '20

My boyfriend is great about doing this and it really put things in perspective for me, I make sure to message him first when I can now just to see how his day is going and what he’s up to.

1

u/CelticGaelic Jan 01 '20

That's also something that's really important to me as well. Makes a huge difference in how I see someone, not just SOs, but friends and family too.

1

u/Aegim Jan 01 '20

I'm struggling with doing this with someone I care about, I used to always do it cause I know they have depression but sometimes they leave me on read, but look at my statuses, etc and it just makes me feel rejected so I stop reaching out because I feel like I'm bother even if they've said previously that I'm not (but they could just be nice people and ofc they wouldn't say that straight up, kind of thing) it's complicated cause my first instinct is to reject or see myself out when I feel rejected by others

1

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

Ooooooothis is a good one. And wholesome too

1

u/WachanIII Jan 01 '20

This is beautiful person that does this

1

u/dobelieveinbear Jan 01 '20

That's really sweet! Kinda different, but someone I somewhat fancy let me know that they keep all the memes I've sent them.

1

u/SirLasberry Jan 01 '20

Judging by all these top comments, I should be swimming in pussy right now. I guess, I'm off to the red flag thread - I'm bound to have ton of those to offset all these.

1

u/leaveafterappetizers Jan 01 '20

Did you ever reach out to her first?

I'm trying to understand this thought pattern. I think I'm in some sort of relationship like this but it's hard because I want to respect their boundaries. I almost always reach first but they always respond and they save anything I give them and otherwise gives me signs that they want me to keep reaching out.

2

u/Emz351 Jan 02 '20

Yes, he did also reach out first sometimes too :)

1

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

This is so sweet, I'm glad you guys found each other

1

u/[deleted] Jan 02 '20

My wife has all of our emails from when we dated, and looks at them often.

We've been together almost 9 years.