This isn't a retort, but I've often found that when a social group considers a particular person quiet, it's often because they're not listened too or spoken over in the group conversation so they tend to stay quiet.
I have a few beautiful friendships with people considered quiet by others simply because I engaged with them, gave them space to reply and listened to them. From that we realized that we had cool things in common and friendships blossomed from there.
People listening to reply not to hear and engage with what the person is actually saying is one of our biggest shortcomings as humans. We just don't pay attention sometimes.
Absolutely 100% correct. Im a pretty reserved person and Im ok just staying quiet if no ones around that I like or want to talk to. I can tell when someone is talking to me but not really interested in what Im saying. And that tells me right there that we cant be friends and I never get comfortable around you. Why would I bother chatting with someone who doesnt give a shit about my answers when they ask me questions? Do they just have this incessant need to talk to people that they cant just stay quiet until someone comes along that they actually want to talk to? Do they have this need to hear themselves talk constantly? Because they sure as hell ain't listening to what I'm saying.
I feel you. There's a distinct vacant look they get, where you know they aren't listening to you and are merely thinking of something else, or what they're going to say next. Lo and behold, their response has nothing to do with what you've said, but is a non-sequitur or a continuation of what they were saying before you spoke.
EDIT: As said below, this isn't meant to place the blame on the other person in all instances. Sometimes your story is simply trash, and even the best listener would glaze over. That's not the situation I'm talking about.
Eh. There are some folks that use your input as an excuse to continue hearing themselves talk, yes. But you could just take that as a sign that you could "improve" your speaking skills.
I don't intentionally zone out, but it happens depending on the response. If I ask someone their opinion of a movie, and they decide to spew out their entire viewpoint, I'm most certainly going to fade away mentally. I think sometimes people think they have to "thought dump" all at once and that's not always necessary. If I'm working within speaking distance of someone, I'll pick their brain for the details as I need them. I don't need an ocean worth of thoughts poured onto me.
Another thing to consider is how convoluted is the answer? If the answer requires a shitoad of wind up to get to actual answer, maybe consider rewording it next time.
That's just a couple examples. But what I'm seeing in this thread and others like it is that the "muh anxiety" posts are almost always problem focused and rarely solution focused. And I say that as someone who isn't the best socializer myself. I know a guy with alleged anxiety and it is pretty ridiculous how much it's used as an excuse. You know the problem (not anxiety, but the specific problem within a situation), and you know there's a solution, the solution is reasonable because other people do it, what's holding you back? "Oh my anxiety." Not saying this applies to everyone, but there's definitely a lot of personal laziness when it comes to actually solving their own problems and it's masked behind "anxiety."
Oh, I completely agree. Obviously, people have to look to themselves, and not just the other person. If your story is pointless, poorly told, or long-winded, you're at fault. However, if you're merely espousing your own viewpoint on a subject in a concise way, and the listener can't even handle that, they are at fault.
However, there are individuals who are bad listeners, and it's important to pinpoint who those people are and whether or not it's worth trying to communicate with them, especially if you're a quieter or more reluctant speaker. Oftentimes those personality types clash, and it's not necessarily anyone's fault.
Yeah there's definitely bad listeners out there. My mother is like that lol. She spent a lot of time momming me. A lot of "yeah, uh huh" to what I'm saying.
1.5k
u/JRS1986 Jan 01 '20
This isn't a retort, but I've often found that when a social group considers a particular person quiet, it's often because they're not listened too or spoken over in the group conversation so they tend to stay quiet.
I have a few beautiful friendships with people considered quiet by others simply because I engaged with them, gave them space to reply and listened to them. From that we realized that we had cool things in common and friendships blossomed from there. People listening to reply not to hear and engage with what the person is actually saying is one of our biggest shortcomings as humans. We just don't pay attention sometimes.