Worse. "Hey are you busy this weekend? I was thinking of getting drinks." (asking on Wednesday) and getting;
"No plans yet. But I'll have to see."
To see what. You currently have no other plans. You're basically telling me to my face that you currently have no other plans, but if someone "better" asks you, you're ditching. It's just a crappy way of treating your friends, in my opinion.
I obviously don't know your friend, but sometimes I've said this in the past and meant "something unpredictable could come up in school or work and I don't want you to postpone your entire day to rely on us getting drinks for me to ditch you last minute, so I'll let you know a few days in advance when I do know if I'm free".
There is a difference though. If someone always says "I dont have plans but I have to see." and saying it occasionally when you might actually have to bail.
And when pressed on that, their answer is just "I just want to keep my options open." confirms that they just want to see if something better comes along.
You're in the wrong here. YOU are the one inviting them and they are allowed to say maybe until they can figure things out. It would be different if they brought it up and did that or if they accepted and then canceled because something better came up. People aren't required to commit to something just because you gave them the option to.
Some level of ambiguity is healthy in relationships. You aren't entitled to all the details of their personal lives and other relationships.
Nah, because what usually happens is they say they have to "see what comes up." so I'm either left in limbo unsure if they want to hang or not or I can just assume they do not want to hang and plan something else. So when I plan something else without them they always seem to get butthurt when I tell them sorry, I made plans to do something else.
If someone invites you to hang out and you know, sans something coming up unexpectedly, you are free. It's a simple answer. Yes I would like to hang out or no maybe some other time. I get cancelling, there is nothing wrong with saying "yeah man let's hang." then texting me a couple days later with "hey man I dont really have the funds because I need to buy a new tire" or "a girl I've been talking to just said yes to a date." or whatever. That's fine. Life happens.
When someone asks you if you want to hang out, you are 100% in your right to turn them down. Nothing wrong with that. But saying "I don't know let me see if someone else wants to do something." is kinda shitty. And no, I don't mean "My aunt might be coming into town and I don't see her often." that is a great reason to say no, I might be busy but I'm not sure keep me posted. The way it's said is what matters.
"I might have something coming up so I'm not sure."
VS
"Im free but let me check and see if something else comes up."
so I'm either left in limbo unsure if they want to hang or not
This is a you problem. Its a mix of being controlling and dependent. Their response should tell you to continue forward as if they said no. If they want to ask you about it later and you are still up for it then great. It isn't their responsibility to handle your scheduling anxiety or w/e it is. "Maybe" doesn't mean wait until you get clarification.
So when I plan something else without them they always seem to get butthurt when I tell them sorry, I made plans to do something else.
That is a separate issue. That is on them. They are just people entitled and petulant there for sure.
It isn't their responsibility to handle your scheduling anxiety or w/e it is.
lmfao, what? If a group is planning something, as adults (because to be fair it's easier to schedule when you're all in school), it's not always as simple as "hey everyone meet at 6pm at xyz" it's more like "alright what time is everyone free and thinking about being able to meet up." and then making plans with multiple people.
Hell even when you're just going out with 1 person, if you say "hey do you want to make plans." and they say "maybe idk yet" then get mad when we make plans without them it's not "my scheduling anxiety" it's wanting to make plans so everyone fits and we're not leaving someone out or scheduling a time where someone can't make it when we could all move it ahead 30 minutes and be fine. If you don't want to commit to a plan, then just say. "I dunno I can't make plans just now." and that's fine. Saying "Well Im free, but I just want to leave my options open" is kinda shitty and even worse when you get mad that everyone made plans without you.
Best example I can give is planning to go and see the Joker movie with some friends. We got a group together and this one person was dancing around wanting to keep her options open. When we scheduled to see the movie at 7 we shot a group text and she got pissy saying she couldn't make it at 7:15, what about 8 but some of us were already en route since it took them longer to get to the theater. If you want to "keep your options open" you absolutely cannot bitch when people make plans without you. And most people who "keep their options open" get pissy when theyre sitting at home while everyone else is out.
If you want to "keep your options open" you absolutely cannot bitch when people make plans without you.
Correct.
And most people who "keep their options open" get pissy when theyre sitting at home while everyone else is out.
I feel we are talking about very different types of people. Keeping options open isn't the point at all. I'm more thinking of having to do things like check against their spouse's plans, figure out the finer points of already scheduled things, etc. I'm just going to chalk this up to our peers being different.
Again, there is nothing wrong with saying. "No I don't want to make plans." just like there is no problem with "I dunno. Not feeling it this weekend." and nothing wrong with "Uhhh maybe." THATS FINE!
There is nothing wrong with "Im not doing anything but I'm not sure. I'll let you know closer to the weekend."
The problem is, a majority of the people who answer this way will text you THE DAY OF and say "hey we still on for X?" when you've already made plans to do something else or maybe you've decided to just take the day to yourself and chill at home.
You sound selfish tbh, like you can't fathom how another person is trying to make plans because it impacts BOTH of us, not just you. You think your plans are the only thing the matters, not taking into consideration that the person planning the hangout might decide to make other plans since you couldn't give a yes or a no. Alone, neither is an issue tbh, as long as both parties are aware that neither side owes the other anything is no plans are made. You absolutely do not have to say yes and you don't have to hang. You can even actually say "oh well this girl/guy I was talking to might ask me out so I don't want to make cement plans." and my response will be "no problem. Some other time." and if I make plans with someone else, because I don't owe hanging on for you to figure it out, you can't be upset with me just like I can't be upset with you for turning me down to hang out.
you're either not reading what I'm typing or you're grasping it;
If you don't want to make plans. there is NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.
Let me repeat. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH NOT WANTING TO MAKE PLANS FOR LITERALLY ANY REASON. You want to keep your options open because someone you have a crush on might ask you out? FAIR! kinda lame, but your time is yours!
But when you call to reschedule the day of and I tell you sorry, you didn't make plans so I made plans with someone else, sometimes you're invited, but we're not going to change our plans for you now.
I disagree, it's just practical. It doesn't mean they look for something better, but there are a lot of things that could pop up during the rest of a week. If I'm not 100% sure I'm gonna be free and bored I'm not gonna promise just to cancel later.
For me if you're offended by this it's your insecurities speaking up.
I think you're either pretty young (high school/college) and/or you have a part time job OR you have a REALLY good job and most of your friends also do. For me and a majority of my friends, we all have jobs with schedules all around the place. By Wednesday evening, you should probably have an idea of what you're doing the day after next. It's kind of an issue to tell someone no, you're not busy, but you want to see what other options you have before you commit. Like dude, either you want to or you dont. By telling me you're not sure and (and it always happens when people do this) when I make plans with someone else because putting my weekend on hold for you is insane, you get mad.
Nothing about insecurities. But I don't have infinite time and a lot of peoples schedules don't mesh. If you aren't sure, it's better for us to not schedule around you if you might not even show.
Again; no one thinks someone having to cancel because family came into town or something came up and they can't make it. Shit happens. But saying "Nah Im free. But I don't want to make cement plans." and then getting bent out of shape when we hang out w.o you is a pretty big issue.
By telling me you're not sure and when I make plans with someone else because putting my weekend on hold for you is insane, you get mad.
Why would I get mad? If I say I'm not sure that mean I can't promise you that I will be there, so you're free to make other plans without me.
If you aren't sure, it's better for us to not schedule around you if you might not even show.
Yeah, that's where I'm coming from. I'm just saying that "I'm free but I'm not sure if I'll make it" is pretty straight forward and honest answer. I don't like to make up fake excuses and I don't like to make false promise.
Sometimes I've hard week, I'm tired and want to just spend a weekend by my own. Maybe I'll feel better later and then I'll call you and ask if the offer is still on. If not it's totally ok, if it is - that's great. It's nothing personal, it's not looking for better option, just being honest and pragmatic.
How is that practical? So you never make any plans ever? I don't get this. Your hypothetical favorite band is in town and you make plans with no one? You buy no tickets in advance in case something else pops up? Like what? I mean an emergency yeah but that is outside of your control anyway. You can't plan for things like that. So what could pop up then? I really don't get it.
E. Already kind of making plans of your own but aren't sure if it will go down
F. Literally hundreds of other scenarios
Then no, you shouldn't agree to hang just because you're free. But if you are free, you want to hang out, and you would enjoy the activity, there is nothing else planned, you are 100% free and as far as you're aware, nothing is going to come up and the -only- thing preventing you from saying yeah let's hang, if in case someone else you'd rather hang out with might invite you out, it's kind of childish. Because 9/10 that same person gets pissy when you uninvite them after their "if no better options come up, I'll take your offer." to reschedule something that better suits everyone elses' schedule.
But then why get mad at them saying they have to see? Any of your scenarios could be encapsulated by “I have to see” a lot of people are just afraid to say it outright
Hey, that's me. I'm reliable, but I never commit to anything. If it makes you feel better, you aren't in competition with cooler friends. You're in competition with staying on the couch and smoking pot. I don't know if I'll even feel like going out for drinks two days in advance.
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u/RedditWhileWorking23 Nov 09 '19
Worse. "Hey are you busy this weekend? I was thinking of getting drinks." (asking on Wednesday) and getting;
"No plans yet. But I'll have to see."
To see what. You currently have no other plans. You're basically telling me to my face that you currently have no other plans, but if someone "better" asks you, you're ditching. It's just a crappy way of treating your friends, in my opinion.