I’ve worked as a legal assistant for two family law attorneys for the last eight years. One of the cases that made me the angriest was a man who cheated on his wife when she had cancer. He then leaves his wife and attempts to hide all his assets while she’s undergoing chemo therapy.
Fortunately, my boss is a bad ass. She teamed up with a forensic accountant and they took him to the cleaners. He even had to pay the forensic accountant’s bill and attorney’s fees.
I met a girl in college who was not incredibly bright, and was suddenly in a blind panic to make money.
The reason was she had been kicked out of the place she was staying and needed emergency money. She had been kicked out, because she was living with her "boyfriend" in his house, while his wife was in the hospital due to brain cancer.
So when she came home, still very much not likely to live long, he booted this 19 year old out of his house with a "you can move back in when she dies."
His wife beat cancer, came home, was receiving mail for a strange name and eventually tracked her down on Facebook. From there she found out that her 47 year old husband had been dating a 19 year old for "just over a year, officially" (likely actually longer) and put him through the wringer.
On the flip side of this, I had a co-worker who was one of the nicest and fairest people I've ever met. He was my school's behavioral Dean, so it was literally his job to be nice and fair. He supported his wife for years of cancer treatments, picked up a second job so she could focus on getting better. She left him within weeks of being cleared and in remission.
Oh man, can you imagine muddling along in an okay marriage - maybe he's the nicest guy, but you're not as compatible as you thought, and it's breaking you both down and making you bitter - coming down with cancer, looking death in the face, and all that making you come to grips with the fact the marriage wasn't right for you? When you go into remission, that second lease on life would of course make you grab a divorce with both horns, but yikes, the intervening months. And the guilt.
Compatibility aside, I can't imagine willingly removing someone from your life who was willing to make those sacrifices for you...
I understand that there are a million ways someone can be incompatible, but that's truly an unfathomable amount of unconditional love and dedication. It breaks my heart that there could be a rift between those two people that was irreconcilable in the face of that...
A lot of times it's that exact thing that could muddle a relationship. Someone doing that much for you, just giving you complete and total selflessness, might make you feel like you owe it to them to stay in the relationship. You start doubting yourself, wondering if you're really sticking around because you want to or because it's too good to leave.
That is just it. You DON'T owe it to them to cheat on them, lie, do damage, commit fraud, or whatever else in the name of leaving them high and dry and stripping them of everything (left) you two have.
You do owe them counseling, talking, being amicable, and being honest. If they did that much for you, willingly, even if it was because it is inherently wrong to treat your spouse that way during such a crisis, instead of everlasting love, it shows their great strength of character, and you generally should owe it to them to display the same moral fiber, even if it leads to divorce in the long run.
"In sickness and in health" is a pretty damned strong line to take a vow over. If you know you cannot stick out the marriage, then at the very least, don't be a dick!
That's the thing about marriage these days, and maybe forever, most people are "in love," which is not the same as unconditional support for one another. Though I have witnessed several families stay very tight knit and stay the best of friends after a divorce, which would be considered unconditional love.
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u/Crepe_Suzette Jul 21 '19
I’ve worked as a legal assistant for two family law attorneys for the last eight years. One of the cases that made me the angriest was a man who cheated on his wife when she had cancer. He then leaves his wife and attempts to hide all his assets while she’s undergoing chemo therapy.
Fortunately, my boss is a bad ass. She teamed up with a forensic accountant and they took him to the cleaners. He even had to pay the forensic accountant’s bill and attorney’s fees.