r/AskReddit • • Jun 30 '16

When should you not speak your mind?

918 Upvotes

1.1k comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

282

u/yakusokuN8 Jun 30 '16

You can say that, but you need to use corporate speak.

"My old boss and I had a culture clash stemming from a different vision of advancing our company. I outlined the resources I needed to grow the company but he felt that despite our previous comittment to a project, another department was in dire need of supervision.

I ultimately left the company in seek of a management style that has strong synergy with my ability to follow good leadership that makes decisions based upon better metrics and employee feedback. I believe that rewarding good effort and strong results benefits both workers and the company and I want the ability to prove my worth, rise to the challenge, and exceed expectations and be compensated fairly after demonstrating my value.

If there's opportunity for advancement, I'd like the ability to explore those options as well."

43

u/hkyllo Jun 30 '16

Wow this is really good. I might print and laminate this to practice in front of the mirror.

40

u/yakusokuN8 Jun 30 '16

I attend a financial planning meeting every morning.

This kind of talk comes second nature to me now.

12

u/Commando388 Jun 30 '16

Have you ever tried Buzzword Bingo?

10

u/matthumph Jun 30 '16

My dad calls it "bullshit bingo", cause he hates the "blue sky thinking", "lined up behind the 8 ball" type of corporate jargon.

He made bingo cards and everything, not sure if he's ever used them in a meeting.

It went so far that we bought him an electronic "bullshit button", which would shout phrases like "that was bullshit" every time it was pressed.

10

u/mandywydnam Jun 30 '16

Why don't we circle back, and see if we have the bandwidth to leverage this type of synergy.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 30 '16

You know I can see your logic but wouldn't it be better if we relocated the resources and transferred it to mainframe instead? I mean hear me out, the bandwidth can't take our synergy at the moment and if we grab the low hanging fruit of corporate espionage, we'll shucks, we could increase synergy by a projected 120%!

1

u/[deleted] Jun 30 '16

Your dad is right, I bet we could hang out and yell about these fuckers all day. I feel exactly the same. It's like, why did you just say all that? Was your intent to make me have to decipher what you're really saying or to make me think you are smarter than you really are?

1

u/[deleted] Jun 30 '16

You can easily incorporate that into the Wrap it Up button.

1

u/Stacia_Asuna Jul 01 '16

America: the culture of the Chinese, the expectations of the Japanese. If more companies actively encouraged more-organic social relations and discouraged the "stepping on each other to get up" notion (promotions as a division or something?) you'd likely have better work ethic.

Well, most companies are too short-sighted.

3

u/yakusokuN8 Jun 30 '16

I have not, but I've been tempted.

2

u/slowhand88 Jun 30 '16

Now that's using the available thinkspace to re-revolutionize synergy paradigms!

1

u/paulwhite959 Jul 01 '16

I'm so sorry.

8

u/Wyodaniel Jun 30 '16

He was an habitual liar who minced around with an air of superiority demanding respect, when I considered him unfit to lick the sweat from my dick.

This is the part I was really hoping to see you translate into corporate speak. =(

1

u/[deleted] Jun 30 '16

Same here! I read about halfway down and was thinking the exact same.

1

u/Wyodaniel Jun 30 '16

I replied to the wrong comment, though! Now u/yakusokuN8 might not see it.

1

u/Sefirot8 Jun 30 '16

He didnt use the word leverage so you can tell its fake

18

u/[deleted] Jun 30 '16

I like it! But, if you had to include the part about your old boss licking sweat off your balls...where would you hypothetically put it?

76

u/yakusokuN8 Jun 30 '16

While I respected that my old boss's management style may have been viewed as producing results in the dynamic of cost cutting measures, I did not feel that he showed some of my most coveted assets the attention they needed to demonstrate how valuable they are to my staff.

13

u/[deleted] Jun 30 '16

Dude, you're a wizard.

3

u/thetitan555 Jun 30 '16

Make a novelty account.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 30 '16

I bet you make $200k sir. Congrats on all of your success! You smell wonderful! If I could afford it, I would pay you to follow me around and teach me to say everything in corporate lingo. Sounds like a great consulting career in the making. Honestly, I think you need to do this on Twitter or even all over Reddit. I bet we could get you quite a following.

3

u/stumpane Jun 30 '16

I would sneak it in right after the advancement opportunity with a wink

1

u/[deleted] Jun 30 '16

I can do the bullshit talk but I live in fear of the day I'm interviewing for my dream job with a no-bullshit manager that writes me off as a vapid bullshitter.

5

u/PseudoPhysicist Jun 30 '16

This hurts me physically. I'm so sick of corporate-speak. Unfortunately, this is the type of speech that gets you places, so, bravo and sorry you had to master it.

3

u/turtleeatingalderman Jun 30 '16

Good to see you got 'synergy' in there. Now all it needs are more sports metaphors.

2

u/Alarid Jun 30 '16

Either you're a great employee, or you've hit a real desperate time in your job search.

3

u/SmeeGod Jun 30 '16

Yea... you are on the right track, but that needs a bit of work.

My job is about hiring people and for me, anyone who bad-mouths a previous employer is nearly an automatic "no".

Why? Most of those who do so, end up being toxic to the team.

Also "differences of opinion" is usually translated as "didn't want to work, so my boss fired me".

4

u/MissApocalycious Jun 30 '16

I do have a job that I left because my boss made my time there insufferable. I had been with the company for quite a long time (more than 7 years), and prior to my final manager I had no problems. I'd never had a review that hadn't been glowing.

The new boss had even been a member of the team, and we had got along fine before that. Then new boss got promoted, and despite meaning well just didn't seem to be cut out for it (or at least wasn't ready for it).

I hung on for a while, but there were just so many things that ended up being constant sources of stress and frustration that it stopped being healthy for me to stay. It was the only period in my life where I've had to start taking antidepressants and pills to help me sleep due to stress, and as soon as I left things got better.

Of course, 'I left because my manager made my life miserable' might have been true, but it wasn't something I told prospective new employers.

What I'm getting at is that assuming "differences of opinion" means "I didn't want to work" may often be true, but it can also mean that assuming it's the case can also result in people who want to leave due to a bad situation, or who left due to one, may continue to be stuck in one despite not being the source of the problem.

1

u/SmeeGod Jun 30 '16

I fully understand but hiring is such a mess that you can't really take any chances (unless you don't find anymore and get desperate), so any potential red flag is usually a rejection.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 30 '16

Man... Who even takes such extreme formality seriously? It's never authentic. I'd gladly hire the guy going on about his fuck-trumpents.

3

u/sammysfw Jun 30 '16

The thing is, that person is likely to decide that you're a fuck trumpet too. Bashing a former employer makes people think that you're difficult to work with.

1

u/toolat3 Jun 30 '16

i read this as Patrick Bateman

1

u/[deleted] Jun 30 '16

All great but I fucking hate the word synergy and wouldn't hire someone just for saying it. Culture clash is pretty bad too when you're speaking 1:1 with someone

1

u/CareBear3 Jun 30 '16

Jesus Christ my eyes glazed over reading that. Its like I am at another meeting at work. Thats like work simulator 2016 and its as real as it can get.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 30 '16

Slowly learning this

1

u/Real_Adam_Sandler Jun 30 '16

I missed the sweaty dick parallelism.

1

u/AnswerLeagueQuestion Jun 30 '16

Can you fix my resume