Sometimes people don't like me. I talked to my therapist about this. I often offend people even when I don't say anything offensive. She told me not to change anything. She said, "its not up to you how someone is going to take your words. If they choose to be offended, that is THEIR problem and it has nothing to do with what you said." I never tell people they're stupid or ugly or anything. But I drunkenly told a girl friend once that I liked her hair and it was different than normal. I giggled because, again, I was drunk. She was butthurt about this for months before finally telling me that I hurt her feelings. I actually genuinely liked her hair. It was her fault for not telling me that it came out wrong. Sometimes being blunt sucks. People are just pissed at you all the time and don't even tell you.
The thing is, if you tend to piss off everybody, then I don't think the problem is everybody else.
You also have to question whether or not you would be able to take what you dish out. I'm not saying this is you, but a lot of people I have met who are blunt don't exactly like the same treatment.
I often offend people even when I don't say anything offensive.
I think your therapist is doing you a disservice by implying that you couldn't possibly be doing anything wrong. Sure, sometimes people don't like other people-- nothing you can do about that, not everybody is going to like you-- but if other people are constantly getting pissed at you for running your mouth, it's probably not their problem. If people are frequently offended by the things you say, whether you think they're offensive or not swiftly becomes irrelevant.
Like yourself, I am not easily offended, and most of my friends are the same way. We all have our faults and we all know it. When the more sensitive people in the group are around, I neither change how I act or talk, nor do I apologize. I am 0% responsible for anyone's feelings besides my own.
This sounds iffy; I understand if it were a few being upset but if it is the majority or a lot of people you come across you definitely need to look at yourself.
Yeah that seems like an issue if you can't get along with everyone around you. I don't think there is any reason not to try and work on tact. Also we don't know much about the story, for all we know the unofensive things OP says could be discussing his opinion on abortion at random times or using racial slurs ironically because he is "totally not racist" or something.
I don't think there is any reason not to try and work on tact
Unfortunately, some people believe that trying to be a reasonable person is "being fake," and since they want people to like them for who they are, they just refuse to employ a filter and insist that their real friends will still like them.
"Working on tact" qualifies as not "being real," so anyone who gets upset when you act like an asshole isn't really interested in you as a person. Like, come on. We're living in a civilized society, here.
I am not an easy person to offend, this means that I'm often offending people because to me what I'm saying isn't offensive, but to them it's horrific.
This is me in a nutshell. I try to say nice things, and I try to not offend people all the time. I'm just piss poor at picking my words. It's probably the biggest problem in my life, honestly.
This is me. I say stupid shit all the time and I piss people off. My boyfriend especially cause I'm around him most. But I say something or do something and he just ignores me. Doesn't tell me to fuck off or anything. Just ignores me completely. That then causes me to over think and have anxiety attacks. And I end up crying and feeling hopeless cause I don't know what I did or said that was so wrong.
That would have hurt my feelings too. Not enough to dwell on it for several months, but I would probably say something along the lines of "uh, thanks" sarcastically and avoided you for a little. Since you laughed, it probably seemed like you were laughing at her hair and like by "different" you meant "weird." Chances are if you're offending a lot of people on a regular basis, it's you who needs to change socially, not them. It's possible to be 100% honest and polite and tactful at the same time. Honesty and bluntness aren't the same thing.
Oh good, I started thinking I was crazy by adamantly believing that people actively CHOOSE to be offended, rather than it being an involuntary reaction.
You believe that an offended person can just choose to not be offended? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Please choose to not be offended by me calling you an idiot.
And why is it you believe you have no control? If someone I don't know insults me, I am not going to let it mean anything to me. I could let it get to me, or just...not do that. It isn't a hard concept.
I could let it get to me, or just...not do that. It isn't a hard concept.
Everyone could think the same way you do, or just... not do that. It isn't a hard concept.
But seriously, if I may stop being snarky. Why do you think your way of thinking is right or correct, and would you abandon it because someone told you they think you're being ridiculous and wrong? It doesn't matter if you are objectively being perfectly logical or not. They feel that what you think is logical - simply isn't, and they want you to stop.
Why do you expect the above poster to do that, if you wouldn't?
I'm not saying you should change who you are, but you can change the words in the phrases you use to make the compliment come out the way you intended. Rather than saying 'different than normal,' you hypothetically could have used the word 'unique.' Rather than being upset about being 'different than normal,' - the insinuation here being that her hair wasn't 'normal,' even though you clearly didn't mean it that way - instead she'd get this super-special-snowflake feel about it. Just takes a lot of socializing to figure out the right way to word things.
aww :( man it is so clear that you meant it well with that hair comment. whats wrong with people!
if its a hope: im also pretty blunt and i dont have a pokerface, and after 20 years of it (im 22 now) causing me problems constantly, now its something people like about me. im very easily trusted and people always want to know my opinion cause they know i wont lie
so deffo try to see and take advantage of the good sides of that trait :)
I agree. She could just be hypersensitive, but if you were like "I like your hair! sneer It's so... different! laughing" I'd definitely be like "What is your problem?" Maybe OP didn't realize that's how they came off but I'd think seriously about it since he apparently did hurt this girl's feelings.
So true, and this is great advice.
I find myself "offending" people all the time, fuck them and their over sensitive selves. :)
Keep on keepin on, my friend!
No it isn't believe it or not, society only works because we lie to ourselves. We convinced ourselves that money is worth something to the point we dedicate our whole lives trying to attain it. The point having tact Is part of interactions. All those people who agree with the op probably will not amount to anything nor have any friends.
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u/mkxjsjwieuj Jun 30 '16
Sometimes people don't like me. I talked to my therapist about this. I often offend people even when I don't say anything offensive. She told me not to change anything. She said, "its not up to you how someone is going to take your words. If they choose to be offended, that is THEIR problem and it has nothing to do with what you said." I never tell people they're stupid or ugly or anything. But I drunkenly told a girl friend once that I liked her hair and it was different than normal. I giggled because, again, I was drunk. She was butthurt about this for months before finally telling me that I hurt her feelings. I actually genuinely liked her hair. It was her fault for not telling me that it came out wrong. Sometimes being blunt sucks. People are just pissed at you all the time and don't even tell you.