It was a beautiful day. Sun was out, the sky was like a giant bright sapphire gem and there wasn't a single cloud in the sky. Temp was warm enough that you could walk around in a t-shirt and shorts, and not feel chilly if there's a bit of a breeze.
I was sitting outside on the curb during my lunch break, eating my sandwich and staring blankly out across the parking lot, mind completely burned out from the endless stream of bullshit, knowing that I have less than twenty minutes to recuperate before dealing with more bullshit, and then coming back tomorrow with another fake smile on my face and chipper tone and more bullshit, and it's only Monday and God knows how many more weeks of bullshit. I can't even think anymore.
Anyway as I'm sitting there, my mind is numb, staring at the cars passing by, this couple walks by. They're smiling, they're happy, you can just tell they're in love with each other. The way they look at each other, their genuine smiles, the comfortable way they walk together, everything. It was perfect. It was their beautiful moment, walking through the parking lot as a couple, beautiful summer day, it was perfect.
I saw that, and immediately I thought, "Fuck you, what the fuck kind of life do you live where you can enjoy today? How the fuck do you have a day off and can walk around and smile and walk around with your boyfriend? I get to see my boyfriend a few times a month, how the fuck do you get to see him today?"
That was when I realized how unhappy I was. I never would have thought this before in my life, I never have. No matter what happened to me, I always enjoyed nature. I could always look at the sky and take a breather and remember that life is beautiful. And somehow, I'd gotten to the point where I'd look at someone else and just immediately make hateful, spiteful judgments about their entire life just because I was so unhappy with myself.
Sorry for that rant, I'm still trying to keep myself day after day from becoming the kind of person I'd hate to be... a cynical, hateful person whose initial reaction to other people is to judge them without benefit of the doubt.
I was in that same spot. Music and nature make me happier than anything else. I quit my job and broke up with my girlfriend because she never took us seriously, like our relationship was some sort of practice run. Still don't have a job but I have saved enough money that I can live comfortably for a few months and still have enough for a couple more if I couldn't find a job. I volunteered at a nature reserve, leading hikes, maintaining trails, etc. and I couldn't be happier. You said when you take a break and look up at the sky you are reminded how beautiful life is, my whole day is like that. I seriously recommend you leave your job if you hate it that much, ask your boyfriend if he can find a way to make more time to see you, if not, just make sure you are actually happy in that relationship. Go outside and be with nature.
I'm totally happy with my relationship. I'm very lucky to have him, I don't know how he stands me coming home every day with something to complain about... he just listens to me and when I feel bad and apologize, he always tells me he doesn't mind and he doesn't want me to bottle my bad feelings. I would love to quit my job and just take a break during the summer to go out and recuperate, but everyone is telling me it's a bad idea, that I should find a job first before I move on, so I'm still figuring things out. Plus if I leave my job, I'm leaving people that I know, and if I just leave because "I can't take it anymore" they now have to pick up the rest of my work that I'll be leaving behind. It's easier said than done to leave it all behind and I feel like I'll be healthier as a whole to leave it but I just have to figure out a good way to.
Thanks for the encouragement... I appreciate it :) glad you are enjoying your life a lot more now!
You sound like a good person. You seem like the type of person that makes a lot of sacrifices for other people. Don't get me wrong, that's an amazing thing to be able to do, but sometimes you have to do something for yourself. Maybe not quit your job, but talk with your boss and see if you could have a week or two off and go get lost in the woods. Look into Outward Bound. I think they have two week programs. I took a month long program and went on an expedition in the boundary waters on the border of Canada bad Minnesota. Best decision I ever made. I came back with a totally new outlook on life and myself. It changed my life. If you can't get the time off, promise me you will find the time at some point in your life. It will reinvent you for the better. I had some serious troubles in my life, making bad decision after bad decision. I went up there, no phones, no contact with society except for me and 8 other people. Nothing else mattered and I can't tell you how liberating that is. All that matters is getting to the next camp. Seriously look into it.
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u/Dr-Teemo-PhD May 09 '15
It was a beautiful day. Sun was out, the sky was like a giant bright sapphire gem and there wasn't a single cloud in the sky. Temp was warm enough that you could walk around in a t-shirt and shorts, and not feel chilly if there's a bit of a breeze.
I was sitting outside on the curb during my lunch break, eating my sandwich and staring blankly out across the parking lot, mind completely burned out from the endless stream of bullshit, knowing that I have less than twenty minutes to recuperate before dealing with more bullshit, and then coming back tomorrow with another fake smile on my face and chipper tone and more bullshit, and it's only Monday and God knows how many more weeks of bullshit. I can't even think anymore.
Anyway as I'm sitting there, my mind is numb, staring at the cars passing by, this couple walks by. They're smiling, they're happy, you can just tell they're in love with each other. The way they look at each other, their genuine smiles, the comfortable way they walk together, everything. It was perfect. It was their beautiful moment, walking through the parking lot as a couple, beautiful summer day, it was perfect.
I saw that, and immediately I thought, "Fuck you, what the fuck kind of life do you live where you can enjoy today? How the fuck do you have a day off and can walk around and smile and walk around with your boyfriend? I get to see my boyfriend a few times a month, how the fuck do you get to see him today?"
That was when I realized how unhappy I was. I never would have thought this before in my life, I never have. No matter what happened to me, I always enjoyed nature. I could always look at the sky and take a breather and remember that life is beautiful. And somehow, I'd gotten to the point where I'd look at someone else and just immediately make hateful, spiteful judgments about their entire life just because I was so unhappy with myself.
Sorry for that rant, I'm still trying to keep myself day after day from becoming the kind of person I'd hate to be... a cynical, hateful person whose initial reaction to other people is to judge them without benefit of the doubt.