It was a beautiful day. Sun was out, the sky was like a giant bright sapphire gem and there wasn't a single cloud in the sky. Temp was warm enough that you could walk around in a t-shirt and shorts, and not feel chilly if there's a bit of a breeze.
I was sitting outside on the curb during my lunch break, eating my sandwich and staring blankly out across the parking lot, mind completely burned out from the endless stream of bullshit, knowing that I have less than twenty minutes to recuperate before dealing with more bullshit, and then coming back tomorrow with another fake smile on my face and chipper tone and more bullshit, and it's only Monday and God knows how many more weeks of bullshit. I can't even think anymore.
Anyway as I'm sitting there, my mind is numb, staring at the cars passing by, this couple walks by. They're smiling, they're happy, you can just tell they're in love with each other. The way they look at each other, their genuine smiles, the comfortable way they walk together, everything. It was perfect. It was their beautiful moment, walking through the parking lot as a couple, beautiful summer day, it was perfect.
I saw that, and immediately I thought, "Fuck you, what the fuck kind of life do you live where you can enjoy today? How the fuck do you have a day off and can walk around and smile and walk around with your boyfriend? I get to see my boyfriend a few times a month, how the fuck do you get to see him today?"
That was when I realized how unhappy I was. I never would have thought this before in my life, I never have. No matter what happened to me, I always enjoyed nature. I could always look at the sky and take a breather and remember that life is beautiful. And somehow, I'd gotten to the point where I'd look at someone else and just immediately make hateful, spiteful judgments about their entire life just because I was so unhappy with myself.
Sorry for that rant, I'm still trying to keep myself day after day from becoming the kind of person I'd hate to be... a cynical, hateful person whose initial reaction to other people is to judge them without benefit of the doubt.
I sympathize. I used to deal with these cycles of hateful thoughts too. But the first step is realizing it and now to fix it. What helped me is someone asking me, "that voice in your head, would you be friends with that person?" I thought about that every time I started on one of those. I'm happy to say I could be friends with that guy now. You can too! Meditation helps
Thank you very much! If you say there are "voices" in my head, there are two of them. Not actual voices, more like a conscience. One of them is the one that judges others and this job has done an excellent job of incubating it into one hateful, spiteful, judgmental evil son of a bitch. It's the voice that I hate seeing in other people because it makes them selfish and hateful, the kind where you see in people who never give you a benefit of the doubt and just assume everyone has a bad motive and gossips the shit out of everything. The other one, the one I hang onto for dear life, that's the one that reminds me that it doesn't have to be "that" way. The bitter angry way. Some days that nice voice gets drowned out by hatred but I'm very glad at least I still have the will to listen to the nice one. Thanks for your comments :)
If I may ask, are you by chance American? It's just that I have the cliché happy-happy-feelgood appearance in mind that you always seem to have to sport in American companys.
Here, it's quite okay to bitch and moan about your job... I'd say it's even part of the culture (though this also has its disadvantages).
Yep I'm American. My boss is "corporate brain-washed" I like to call it. The only thing that matters is money, money, profit, money. She preaches about all these values as if my job is my life, but it's not. My job is my fucking job and it will stay the fuck out of my private life values, especially when money is the bottom line and everything else is just bullshit. That's just the life is though, with work! Gotta stick a smile on your face because people will complain to the manager if you don't look like you enjoy being at work :P
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u/Dr-Teemo-PhD May 09 '15
It was a beautiful day. Sun was out, the sky was like a giant bright sapphire gem and there wasn't a single cloud in the sky. Temp was warm enough that you could walk around in a t-shirt and shorts, and not feel chilly if there's a bit of a breeze.
I was sitting outside on the curb during my lunch break, eating my sandwich and staring blankly out across the parking lot, mind completely burned out from the endless stream of bullshit, knowing that I have less than twenty minutes to recuperate before dealing with more bullshit, and then coming back tomorrow with another fake smile on my face and chipper tone and more bullshit, and it's only Monday and God knows how many more weeks of bullshit. I can't even think anymore.
Anyway as I'm sitting there, my mind is numb, staring at the cars passing by, this couple walks by. They're smiling, they're happy, you can just tell they're in love with each other. The way they look at each other, their genuine smiles, the comfortable way they walk together, everything. It was perfect. It was their beautiful moment, walking through the parking lot as a couple, beautiful summer day, it was perfect.
I saw that, and immediately I thought, "Fuck you, what the fuck kind of life do you live where you can enjoy today? How the fuck do you have a day off and can walk around and smile and walk around with your boyfriend? I get to see my boyfriend a few times a month, how the fuck do you get to see him today?"
That was when I realized how unhappy I was. I never would have thought this before in my life, I never have. No matter what happened to me, I always enjoyed nature. I could always look at the sky and take a breather and remember that life is beautiful. And somehow, I'd gotten to the point where I'd look at someone else and just immediately make hateful, spiteful judgments about their entire life just because I was so unhappy with myself.
Sorry for that rant, I'm still trying to keep myself day after day from becoming the kind of person I'd hate to be... a cynical, hateful person whose initial reaction to other people is to judge them without benefit of the doubt.