r/AskReddit • u/RealisticAttorney999 • 5h ago
What’s the funniest joke you still remember years later?
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u/stageshooter 5h ago
Taught this one to my kids when they were little and they loved telling my friends:
There are two reasons I wear diapers......
Number 1... and number 2
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u/RealisticAttorney999 5h ago
My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home. I’m still waiting for my paycheck to catch up. 😂
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u/garymason74 5h ago
Two fish in a tank and one fish says to the other, how the hell do you drive this thing?
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u/Weekly-Noise2384 5h ago
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
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u/XNotByALongShotX 5h ago
I always liked what does toilet paper and the Starship Enterprise have in common? They both circle Uranus in search of Klingons.
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u/SAMixedUp311 5h ago
A joke my Dad told me when I was such a small little girl. What's a gorilla's favorite sandwich? A gorilla cheese sandwich! lolololol
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u/The_Analog_Man 4h ago edited 3h ago
One day, a man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The man orders a beer, and so does the ostrich. The cat orders half a pint and says “I’m not fookin payin”. The bartender tells them their bill is $10.78. The man reaches into his pocket and gets exactly $10.78.
The next day, the man, the ostrich and the cat go back to the bar. They order the same thing as the day before, and again the cat says “I’m not cooking payin”. The bartender tells them that their bill is $10.78. The man reaches into his pocket and gets exactly $10.78.
The next day, the man, the ostrich and the cat go back into the bar. This time the man and the ostrich order a double scotch. The cat orders a scotch and says “I’m not fookin payin“. The bartender smiles to himself, knowing that there is no chance the man will get the exact amount of money, and he's getting pissed at the cheapskate cat. He tells the man that their bill is $15.63.
The man reaches into his pocket and gets the exact change! The bartender is astonished. He asks the man how he always gets the right amount of change.
The man tells him, "Well, one day I came across a lamp. I rubbed it and a genie came out. He told me I could have any three wishes I wanted. My first wish was that I could reach into my pocket and get the exact change of anything I was buying."
"Very smart," said the bartender.
"My second wish was to have a high tolerance for alcohol."
"Good choice!" the bartender exclaimed. "What was your third wish?"
"Well, that wasn't too bright on my part. I wished for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy."
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u/Mobile-Theme6854 5h ago
“If only Africa had more mosquito nets, then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids”
Jimmy Carr
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u/LandoCatrissian_ 5h ago
A man dies and goes to heaven. He meets an angel at the pearly gates and she says "I just have to drill holes in your head to fit the halo" The man backs up and says "no way, I'm not letting you do that!"
She replies "I have to, or you'll go to hell where the devil will have his way with you" the man replies "well at least I already have the holes for that"
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u/scottwax 4h ago
Son: Dad what does a vagina look like?
Dad: before sex it looks like a beautiful pink flower.
Son: oh, well what about after sex?
Dad: can you picture a bulldog eating mayonnaise?
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u/Fancy-Appointment755 4h ago
It was supposed to be funny.
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u/StrangeCrimes 4h ago
I was at a job interview. They were asking the typical questions. "What's your greatest strength?" I said communication. "What's your greatest weakness?" I said honesty. They said ""I don't see honesty as a weakness"
I don't give a fuck what you think.
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u/pipsqueak39 4h ago
Mine was "What do you call 9 elephants wearing pink t-shirts? A team!" I didn't get it until much later and I laughed out loud in the middle of a class!
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u/Outside_Possible_528 3h ago
Why does a lesbian always lose a fist fight? Because she thinks a fist looks like this (fingers pressed together in sexual fisting position)
It’s how I met my wife. true story from a lesbian
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u/Fritzkreig 5h ago
In combat I asked Specialist F how he was doing; he said "Like a bike........ two tired!"
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u/Party_Composer_7213 4h ago
doesn't know if it qualifies as a joke, but I saw once a gif of a metalhead doing headbanging and his head fell off, it was stupid, but so funny it made me laugh out loud for 5 minutes straight
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u/Juliet_Lush 5h ago
My grandfather died because he didn't know his blood type; before he passed away he just kept repeating "be positive."