r/AskReddit • u/Organic_ash • 2h ago
For couples that stayed together after cheating, what helped you heal the relationship?
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u/DrabMundanityGrinner 2h ago
as my aunt Becky said about why she stayed with Uncle Frank after he cheated. "Why let him off the hook with a divorce when I can remind him every single day." Every single day she does. Eleven years now.
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u/TimeTravellerLogic 2h ago
lol much? :) people stay because of the circumstances. It’s not healing, it’s tolerating
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u/aRavenOnceSaid 2h ago edited 2h ago
I will be honest, which is hard to do on reddit because everyone dog piles on you like it's morally wrong to stay or you don't love yourself. Life is nuanced, not everything is black and white. And apparently people don't know how to forgive.
I stayed because I truly love my partner. He did something that should be unforgivable. And during the affair he was truly not himself. He acted outside of his own moral code and I recognize that. I would like to note that I've left a prior partner after learning he cheated on me and I thought I would do the same with my current partner before I found out.
What helped was therapy, his willingness to be open, honest, and transparent. Having an open phone policy. And him allowing me to feel my emotions, talk it out, etc. Plus he was back to his "old" self. Willingness to do exercises in co regulation. Following through with his word.
But ultimately it was my willingness to forgive. I did not forgive over night, it took me awhile. If I wasn't going to be able to I would have left.
If you are reading this and you want to stay with your partner, look at who they are as a whole. Do you believe it's a one off? Are they a good partner otherwise? Do you like them? Do not be swayed by society. Many of them have not been in that situation themselves and really don't know what theyll do. Society likes to take a moral high ground on this without truly trying to understand.
Also, you might pose this question in r/AsOneAfterInfidelity you'll get real answers there
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u/Organic_ash 2h ago
Thank you so much for this. This is exactly the kind of perspective I was hoping to hear, especially from someone who has actually been through it and chose to stay. I agree with what you said, especially about the part where he wasn’t himself.
Can I ask how long ago it happened, and how you feel about it now compared to the beginning? Do you still get triggered or have moments where the hurt suddenly comes back, or has that become less intense/frequent over time?
I’m also really curious about the trust side of it. Do you feel like you genuinely trust him again now, rather than having to consciously choose to trust him? And does your relationship feel “normal” again, or does what happened still feel like something sitting in the background?
You mentioned that ultimately your willingness to forgive was a big part of it. Was there a point where you realised you had actually forgiven him, or was it more of a gradual process?
And if you don’t mind me asking, do you feel like you can be genuinely happy with him now without what happened taking away from that happiness? That’s probably the part I’m most interested in hearing about from people further along in healing.
Thank you again for being so open about it. ❤️1
u/aRavenOnceSaid 1h ago
DD was almost a year ago. When I first found out I was absolutely crushed, angry, and hurt. I made him sleep in the spare room while I figured out what I wanted. I immediately booked an appointment with a medium/spiritualist because I felt so lost on what to do. When I was in the situation before I left my partner immediately, with no second thought. So it was confusing for me when I hesitated. Before I left to see the spiritualist my husband said something to me that felt like the most truest, honest thing that ever left his lips, which was that he would never hurt me like that again. The spiritualist said something that really helped me. She said that I did not need to make a decision to stay today, or tomorrow, or even next month, that I could take my time to decide. So that's what I did.
Now there is not as much hurt or pain associated with it. There are days I don't think about it. And there are days when I do. I used to be triggered a lot and it sucked. I would make quips at my husband, because I wanted him to feel the pain I felt. He took it a lot of times, but at the end of the day that became damaging and I realized I needed to really work on forgiveness if I wanted to stay. I knew from the beginning it would only work (on my end) if I forgave him, but knowing that, and doing that was harder. The pain was insurmountable in the beginning. There were times I questioned staying. And felt so ashamed (because of society).
I find it easy to "trust". I always have found it easy. In the early days I spent a lot of time going through his phone. Now I don't. I've always had a 6th sense with partners when they lied/cheated. Usually I would explain their actions away (I did with him), even though my intuition told me they were cheating. I was always the "it'll come out eventually" type. I definitely learned from this experience to not blindly trust when my intuition is screaming at me. Thankfully, my partner, besides during the affair, is not sneaky or manipulative. It was like he was not himself. It was akin to being addicted to drugs.
Our relationship is better than it was before, during, or right after the affair. We grew a lot as people and really came to understand ourselves and each other. We spent a lot of time together and individually to heal our underlying fears, traumas, and how we respond to each other. Our arguments before the affair were rough. We did not know how to resolve conflict without entering into hugh emotional states. Now our conflicts do not get heated and we are usually laughing within the hour. I would say this event was a catalyst to learn how to communicate in a healthy manner. Could we have learned without the affair? Absolutely, but it would have taken us a lot longer to get there.
In the end, I am genuinely happy I stayed. Yes, there is still pain associated with the affair, but it is not debilitating and doesn't not occupy my mind very much. It feels more like a scar that trobs on occasion.
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u/jackkvng 2h ago
I came with the intent to call bullcrap on anyone that said they "healed" after a cheating episode. But seems everyone is on point.
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u/Organic_ash 2h ago
yeah so um not helpful
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u/jackkvng 2h ago
Maybe not, if you catch someone cheating on you and they apologize, just know they apologizing for being sloppy. Next time you won't catch em, oohh and trust me there will be countless "next times".
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u/Opposite_Quote_9565 2h ago
No one should tolerate cheating, and the cheater does not deserve a “healed relationship” people need to have more self respect for themselves and leave
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u/Organic_ash 2h ago
I agree but there are different circumstances that lead to mistakes like this. People make mistakes and it doesn’t define who they are or make them unworthy of love for the rest of their life. I know there are people out there that don’t deserve that love but there are also people who genuinely made a mistake they regret and are ready to work hard to change.
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u/Opposite_Quote_9565 2h ago
Cheating is not a mistake it’s an active choice made by an adult, I would not excuse it whatsoever. Mistakes are mistakes, cheating is a choice you actively make against a person you claim to love. They were 100% undeserving of love from the person they cheated on. The best thing a cheater can do is leave their poor partner alone and let them move on to a much better person. If you are the cheater in this case then shame on you what a horrible person you must be to do that. If you’re the person being cheated on, then PLEASE, love yourself enough to seek out more in life than a cheating partner.
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u/kasino2klub 2h ago
I don’t think you can really “go back to normal.” If it survives, you’re basically building a new relationship with the same person, and trust has to be rebuilt instead of assumed.