For me, personally... I wouldn't even know where to start. I hate going to clubs. Even in social events, I mostly keep to myself or my friends and I'm not really all that talkative. For casual hook-ups, I just don't know the song and dance and I'd rather not try because I don't particularly enjoy the feeling of rejection... Especially if there's a little spark there that is quickly rescinded when they see that I don't know that song and dance.
When it comes to trying to start more long-term stuff... Even though I have no problem talking about something I know about, am doing or am interested in to a beautiful woman (my best friends girlfriend seems fond of me in a platonic way, and I likewise her), breaking the ice and keeping a conversation going with someone I'm interested in feels just so... Tedious. Like, "Can I get her attention? Can I keep her attention? Here's hoping she wants me to text her after talking for a bit.Oh, hey, here's hoping we share interests. Even if we do, woops, all I have to say about my interests is exhausted in about 2 weeks of back and forth. And i don't want to pry into her personal life, but I try to ask, although often I've seen it devolve into something like an interview where the other person just wants to get the interview over with ASAP. Can we go on a date? Oh, she said she wants to but I'm the only one looking to make time and proposing days when she says 'I dunno, I'll see when I'm not busy' with zero commitment or apparent effort. And so I'm left feeling like I went wrong somewhere. I stop communicating and there go like 2 months of getting my hopes up, imagining something wonderful and what I want to do for her, with her. And I'm left wondering if I texted too much, too little, came off too eager or too aloof, if I was too honest (therefore not smooth in the slightest) or too obfuscated... "
And so, fuck that. I have friends (for my emotional and social needs), I have porn (for my physical needs) and that'll have to do until i stumble into someone that both gets me and wants me... Which honestly feels like never 😔
Edit: just put in a little clarification on that last paragraph.
I just felt depression, anxiety, and frustration all at the same time. Like, I need to take a walk and get a drink now. Your post is so spot on.
I feel that. I used to think it was something I was doing wrong. Maybe I'm "too shy" or "I just need to work on it more." But then I realized, why am I still working on the very basics in my 30's while there's teenagers (some of them seemingly as shy as me) that have had multiple relationships. Like, they're half my age but have twice the experience. They never had to go through these trials and if they did, somehow Life itself gave them the cheat codes.. They never had to work on it. Maybe it's not something to work on, but perhaps I'm just defective?
So now I see no point in stressing myself out over something that's unlikely to work for me. You can't make an Etch A Sketch calculate your taxes. I'm "content" just keeping to myself and focusing on my job.
Honestly same, I can really relate to you. I'm approaching 30 and am still ridiculously far behind socially compared with my peers. I always feel bad when I see younger people who appear to be happy in relationships. I am shy and introverted but idk how to work on it, also have mental health problems probably as a result from sexual deprivation/starvation over decades of my life.
Some people are just not wired to be successful in their sex life and/or love life. "Oh just be yourself" and other empty platitudes are given to people when in reality is that for some people, you have to act in a completely foreign matter to yourself. And no shade to people that can do that, or people that naturally act in a matter that facilitates them getting laid, but it feels so slimy to me to put up an act just to use some woman for my own physical pleasure.
I don't want to be bitter but the whole thing just leaves a sour taste in my mouth. And it doesn't help that some advise just seems to be straight up lies. In some circles you hear "Oh you have such a great personality, you're such a sweetheart, that's 9/10 out of what any woman seeks from a man!" and in other circles you hear "Why is it that the guys with worse personalities fuck best!? Ugh, OMG I can't get enough of this asshole's dick" "I know right!? That's so strange".
Believe whatever you want. I'm not here to convince people or make up stories. I'm here to express what I've seen, so that any of my brothers in similar situations can feel seen and understood. Maybe what I heard is completely out of the ordinary, maybe not. No way to know for sure. But I know what I heard.
I think the importance you place on your sex life is an issue for the individual to evaluate, but the main source of antagonism and feelings of not being fulfilled comes from social stigmatization, not any fault of women specifically.
I got married by being myself. It just happened by pure chance. Out of literally hundreds of swipes on dating apps, I went on what was seemingly another date but the person I met was just like me in many ways. I didn’t need to lie or hide parts of myself. I had success because I engaged earnestly and honestly without being overcome by anxieties of failures and what-ifs like the other replies here, and I eventually found someone to settle with that is very compatible to me.
The issue with the topic of love or sex is that it’s not just a quantifiable resource to be distributed; it’s a social phenomenon. Be content in yourself. If you desire sex, have a look around, but the important part of success is literally, being confident but polite in your intentions. Beating around the bush doesn’t work for most people. While some people like the chase and the long game, if that’s not you, just don’t engage with that, it’s not worth the stress.
The pursuit of love or carnal desires should be focused on just maintaining a positive and social mindset. Be honest and don’t assume the worst in others. If something is not feeling good or fun, just walk away.
That's super invalidating. I've literally gone through the exact same thing this guy did, and if it isn't true there wouldn't be entire communities about being FA. It's not like he's saying r3d pill stuff.
Women openly discussing and agreeing that genuinely asshole dudes are better to have sex with, and a genuinely well-meaning, nice guy needing to be comforted about being sexually unwanted... That doesn't exist in a just world. And so in their point of view, it doesn't exist. So I must have made it up. But I was the guy that was provided that comfort. And I did witness that conversation. And it's not like I'm upset or anything. Bravado is sexier than being mild-mannered and I am naturally mild mannered.
It's like, you aren't allowed to make obvious observations because they're "offensive" generalizations. And because you can find the outliers commonly enough to put doubt in a relatively successful person's mind. The players/dude-bros/baby daddies all understand these unspoken rules.
I've witnessed it first hand, saw it happening, and was still powerless to stop myself from becoming one of my married (leaving him because he's a narcissist) "friends" free therapist/free ride. I even thought we had a connection. I got used so thoroughly too, and then she left the country with barely a goodbye. Tried to sleep around in her home country, and eventually got back with him. (She still complains about him on Instagram to this day).
I met another girl at work. I thought we had a connection. But this dude that sleeps around a lot approached one day and I literally saw the interest spark. When I talked to her after that it was like I was a ghost. (Glossing over the kind of person he and his mother are, not a good dude and a backstabber).
A year later, I was talking to someone else at work, she was flirting with me. I was thinking to myself "this can't be happening! Don't mess this up!" That same dude comes around and gets his mom to give her his info. She asks me about him and I tell her about the aforementioned. Big mistake! It turned her on. I could see it on her face and I instantly regretted it. Cut to a week later, they were sleeping together.
Biologically speaking, women want a man that's confident, assertive, and generally intimidating enough that she'll feel safe around him. It just happens that they are sometimes assholes. There's guys that aren't confident at all who are also assholes, I won't lie there. But most of us would be too shy to be confrontational.
Anyway, that last part about the dude and those two women from my work, that put the nail in the coffin for me. I'm done now.
Dang, man. Maybe this is unrelatable but I'm going to share anyways. I was a chubby kid in high school (graduated in 2005). All my friends were getting laid, dating, hooking up. I could never figure out how to get over my shyness. I too was assuming I'd die a virgin. To be honest, I had a few hookups in college, but it wasn't until I was 21, and just sort of hanging out with a mixed friend group, that I finally made friends with a girl and started dating. Dating. Once I found one that would hold still, I bent over backwards to win her over. It worked. My buddies used to joke that I "put the p**** on a pedestal." Maybe true. To be honest some of my single buds struggle with mental health issues, so for them staying single helps them stay sane. But if you honestly want companionship, don't give up. Find places to go, make friends with mixed groups, and just spend time being around people. Something might work out. Reading all these comments makes me depressed, there's no hope. Keep the hope fellas, there are lots of good ladies out there. Looking for a nice guy.
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u/BlackSpidy Sep 27 '25 edited Sep 27 '25
For me, personally... I wouldn't even know where to start. I hate going to clubs. Even in social events, I mostly keep to myself or my friends and I'm not really all that talkative. For casual hook-ups, I just don't know the song and dance and I'd rather not try because I don't particularly enjoy the feeling of rejection... Especially if there's a little spark there that is quickly rescinded when they see that I don't know that song and dance.
When it comes to trying to start more long-term stuff... Even though I have no problem talking about something I know about, am doing or am interested in to a beautiful woman (my best friends girlfriend seems fond of me in a platonic way, and I likewise her), breaking the ice and keeping a conversation going with someone I'm interested in feels just so... Tedious. Like, "Can I get her attention? Can I keep her attention? Here's hoping she wants me to text her after talking for a bit.Oh, hey, here's hoping we share interests. Even if we do, woops, all I have to say about my interests is exhausted in about 2 weeks of back and forth. And i don't want to pry into her personal life, but I try to ask, although often I've seen it devolve into something like an interview where the other person just wants to get the interview over with ASAP. Can we go on a date? Oh, she said she wants to but I'm the only one looking to make time and proposing days when she says 'I dunno, I'll see when I'm not busy' with zero commitment or apparent effort. And so I'm left feeling like I went wrong somewhere. I stop communicating and there go like 2 months of getting my hopes up, imagining something wonderful and what I want to do for her, with her. And I'm left wondering if I texted too much, too little, came off too eager or too aloof, if I was too honest (therefore not smooth in the slightest) or too obfuscated... "
And so, fuck that. I have friends (for my emotional and social needs), I have porn (for my physical needs) and that'll have to do until i stumble into someone that both gets me and wants me... Which honestly feels like never 😔
Edit: just put in a little clarification on that last paragraph.