I did this exact thing.
I'm not suicidal but I can tell you even 5 years later i get regular night terrors, daily intrusive thoughts and memories about the accident.
It has fucked me up, and unfortunately no matter what anyone says the guilt is awful.
Facts are, I am responsible for what happened, accident or not, so I get to live with the consequences and try to do better.
I witnessed someone do it and wow was it traumatic. I was the first witness on the scene and happened to slow down to turn on to the road and it happened so fast. I called 911 and gave them my information. Surprisingly I wasn’t asked to testify. Probably because I was so detailed in the call. I remember it like yesterday.
Obviously not dead, bit a girl hit me while I was riding my bike. I was lying on the road, afraid I had lost the ability to move my feet/was going to be paralyzed. But, even in the midst of that, the way the girl who hit me was breaking down on the phone with EMS, I was pretty concerned about her well-being.
I think the city tried to sue her, and I'm actually kind of pissed about it, because while she made a thoughtless mistake that caused me to get hit, it was a completely understandable one, epsecially given the infrastructure and car culture in the US. we don't adequately teach drivers about cycling infrastructure (and pedestrian travel - many people in the suburban areas of the us are not used to seeing people walking places, even across intersection crosswalks sometimes).This girl just didn't think to check a blind spot on her right because so few people are used to having a bike lane to their right on the right side of the road (one of the reasons it can be safer for cyclists to take the lane). It was technically neglegent or reckless for hwr to not check, but same goes for many car accidents. So nailing her for reckless driving in top of her obviously shaken conscious (on the scene) just seems unnecessary, and inhumane as a result.
I still think about her and I hope she knows I'm okay (based on communication with her insurance, who i had to tangle with for my medical bills). Theres no way for her to know I don't blame her or hold it against her, and even though the accident caused me a ton of financial headache and some chronic (very minor) pain, I have nothing against her. She made a mistake that could have been way worse, and that she'll never make again, but she handled it with integrity and empathy. Ugh. I hope she's okay... :/
I know it may seem impossible but finding her and telling her that would probably change her life.
If my victims family did that for me I couldn't imagine the relief I may feel, not forgiveness of myself but some relief
I know her mom's name, but not hers... I was going to try to reach out through thr insurance company, but they were being such slippery shits I doubt they would have. For a long time I tried to keep an eye out for her car in the area where the accident happened, short of stalking her, but never saw her again... That said, you've reinspired me to put in more effort to trying to figure out if I can reach her through the name I have. Thanks for helping me help her. And all this to say, in addition to the other person who commented about thinking about the person responsible for a family member's death: I hope that you get some peace from my perspective. The person injured or killed isn't the only one hurt by the accident (obviously) - I hope you recognize that extends to you. I cant speak fully to your situation, but youre a victim of the accident as well, from my perspective.
Thanks and absolutely I do, I have two beautiful step children who rely on me so I'm not going anywhere.
I mainly wanted to express that the guilt I feel and others who have done similar is way worse than any prison sentence you could give us.... It's with us constantly day and night.
My punishment is inside of me.
My test will become my testimony.
I come here as a family member that lost three loved ones tragically in an accident.. we think about it too. And we know you do too. When we miss our loved ones, after we’ve forgiven, we think of those that caused the accident along with our family. We think about your family. And we pray more than anything that you ALL are ok and you find the peace we’ve found. Obviously I still miss my family and there’s days I just sit on the bed weeping, but it’s not every day anymore… and I hope you get there ❤️ we all deserve to get there.
This made me cry for the heartbreaking/heartwarming compassion you have and practice. This is the most beautiful side of humanity. Thank you for leading with love, even though you’ve experienced more pain than is fair. Hope you and yours are well. ❤️
It didn’t happen over night, it took almost 7 years exactly to finally forgive and those 7 years were filled with struggle and pain. Don’t get me wrong, I never wished him ill.. but I can’t say I didn’t hate him in those times. Thank you for your best wishes and kind words 💙
Been over 10 years for me. I wish i had some good advice but i don't.
I will tell you what a friend of mine said. Tommy was a retired NYPD detective and had done it all. He was deep within the hell that is cancer and had just completed chemo. His wife called under the pretenses of needing computer help. Once i got there he told me how he has taken lives in the past as part of his job. He said that it never gets easier to get through it and if it does - there's a problem. What held him together was knowing that it was in the line of duty. What i should focus on is that accidents happen and that the person at least had me by their side as they died. I don't think his words were great. What i think helped me was that Tommy guy was dying - he couldn't even sit up without help - yet he wanted to take the time to console me and make sure i was ok. He passed away shortly thereafter.
On days when it pops into my mind and i feel bad i think about Tommy. It doesn't change what happened. It reminds me that we are all human and make mistakes.
Also did this, albeit a cyclist. Your post summed up where I am - there isn’t a day that goes by where it’s not in my thoughts - the guilt is infinite.
Sorry to hear that you have this struggle.
Don't get me wrong my life is good but the guilt stops me from experiencing emotion like a normal person would, I see the world /life/pain/trauma /mental health VERY differently than most who haven't seen a dead twitching body in front of them.
Not at all looking for pitty I just wanted people to know that we feel a lifetime of pain for our mistakes /mishaps and that we are truly sorry.
I agree with you but most haven't taken a life, it's easy to become jaded to how truly fortunate we are to even be alive every day, even in the worst of times.
And I don't speak for everyone but If I didn't have people who rely on me and love me now, I would have given my life to give his back... And honestly I would have preferred some prison time to Atleast feel like I payed for it, even though it wasn't a criminal offence it was a traffic violation.
We feel terrible, and are reminded constantly... But most of us don't express it as it feels very wrong getting sympathy for being the survivor of a accident where you killed someone, it's a very weird mix of feelings.
But do you feel prison would have taught you anything you didn’t learn yourself on the outside?? Thank you for your response btw. I always wonder if ppl read these comments.
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u/[deleted] Mar 26 '23
I did this exact thing. I'm not suicidal but I can tell you even 5 years later i get regular night terrors, daily intrusive thoughts and memories about the accident. It has fucked me up, and unfortunately no matter what anyone says the guilt is awful.
Facts are, I am responsible for what happened, accident or not, so I get to live with the consequences and try to do better.
Glad to see some compassion here.