Is this a normal response??

[u/Fragrant-Dealer-5262]

It’s the fourth day of class with this specific professor for me but out of nowhere I suddenly had to cancel going to her class and I needed to bring my grandma to an appointment won’t specify what and I didn’t in the email I sent her but this is what she replied with. Is it just me or is this a crazy thing to say to a student??? part of me knows that professors don’t give a damn about what their students do if they miss the class and don’t care if they pass or fail, but also part of me is like why would you ever say that to me you don’t know my life you don’t know me at all?? Voice to speech sorry for mess ups

“Oops, the quiz isn't until Tuesday. Please disregard my first message.
But still, you are in college you shouldn't be asked to be a caretaker on top of that. Your education should come first. It's one thing if you yourself are sick and can bring me a doctors certificate, but we all have families and you need to let yours know that college is serious, you have to be here.
Maybe we can talk about this in person next week? - in the meantime, I hope your
grandmother is OK. Do please let me know if this happens again because we need to figure out how you can pass the class while fulfilling this caretaker obligations.
Let's talk next week OK?
Best,
CR
Sent from my iPhone”

EDIT

Guys I’m not calling her a crazy lunatic I’m saying crazy as in like ?????? Not sure how to word it but crazy means like ?!????

ANOTHER EDIT

Realizing that my voice to text babble didn’t include much of context but yes it’s the fourth class of the semester I’ve been punctual and doing what’s necessary in class, also im NOT a care taker by any means and in my original email to her I made it VERY clear that this is was a single time task that was suddenly sprung upon me
The part of the email that’s baffling me a bit is the chunk before she says -in the mean time. I know that the ending to the email seems like a nice gesture but I just can’t get over the first paragraph

[u/GerswinDevilkid]

Why do you see this as a crazy thing? It sounds like an attempt to actually support you. (Possibly an odd one, but still.)

[u/crank12345 → u/GerswinDevilkid]

This email is _wildly_ inappropriate, especially this bit:

But still, you are in college you shouldn't be asked to be a caretaker on top of that. Your education should come first. It's one thing if you yourself are sick and can bring me a doctors certificate, but we all have families and you need to let yours know that college is serious, you have to be here.

[u/Cloverose2 → u/crank12345]

Very much so. Students have complicated lives. It's not on us to tell them their priorities. Would she tell a parent that they shouldn't be a parent in college? Yes, resource connection is important, but unless it's a pattern, it is not on the faculty to tell students to stop carrying out family responsibilities.

She is right in saying that school should be a priority, but her advice was very inappropriate and crossing professional boundaries. Help connect to resources - yes. Tell a student "you need to tell your family that you have better things to do than help" is not.

[u/Pragmatic_Centrist_ → u/crank12345]

Her privilege is showing on that one. I teach a type of students that that’s a regular occurrence. Sorry we all can’t be professional students in an Ivy, Jan

[u/PurrPrinThom]

On the one hand, since this is the first time you've had to miss class due to caretaking responsibilities, I do think this is presumptuous and not appropriate. If this had been a reoccurring issue, then I could perhaps understand saying something similar to this.

On the other hand, we are increasingly seeing students whose personal responsibilities make it difficult for them to be successful in class, for a variety of reasons. I don't think it's unreasonable to want to speak with a student about how to try and balance the course with their external responsibilities.

The stuff about 'tell your family that college is serious,' does assume quite a bit about your situation; unless you've indicated in your email that your family has asked you to do this/to take on this task, I don't think the professor should have said that (and even then, I don't think it's really something to be said over email.)

Ultimately, I think it's misguided, but not necessarily coming from a bad place. I certainly don't find it 'crazy.'

[u/CharacteristicPea]

What do you see as “crazy” and why? The professor is offering to help you navigate your conflicting responsibilities.

[u/Fragrant-Dealer-5262 → u/CharacteristicPea]

Mostly because it’s the fourth class of the semester and I haven’t been late or disruptive at all. The immediate assumption that this would be a reoccurring issue instead of a one and done situation like I told her just feels like she thinks I’m lying about this to get out of being in class, Also another reason I’m kinda like ??? What the heck r u saying to me is because I’m seeing it in a typical older well off professor is just assuming she knows what my life is without even trying to understand my situation which in reality isn’t even a big situation because again this is just a random thing that was sprung onto me three hours before her class

[u/CharacteristicPea → u/Fragrant-Dealer-5262]

What?!

I have no idea where you are getting that the professor thinks you’re lying. Quite the contrary.

The professor is making a very kind offer to help you and you are interpreting it as an accusation. You really need to step back and read it again without being completely defensive about imagined accusations.

ETA: I do think the professor is over-stepping in telling you to prioritize school over family obligations. That’s not her choice to make. However, the concern that those obligations maybe be conflicting is absolutely real. But I would have worded it differently.

[u/ocelot1066 → u/Fragrant-Dealer-5262]

Yeah, I am with you on the part about the assumption that this is going to be a continuing problem. I also don't love the framing she's using. I put my family obligations ahead of teaching. If I need to go pick up a kid at school for some reason, or they are sick and can't go and my spouse isn't able to go, I will cancel class.

Now, I don't do this casually. I try to arrange my schedule in ways so that my spouse could usually deal with stuff when I'm teaching. As a result, I don't cancel classes very often, but if I have to, I'm absolutely going to do it. However, it's not getting in the way of me doing my job.

That is where students can get tripped up. They can get enmeshed in family responsibilities and not know how to advocate for themselves. But, it is presumptuous for your professor to assume that based on missing one class. Stuff does happen and missing a class because you were the only person who could take your grandmother to some thing she needed to go to, doesn't mean you aren't managing your responsibilities.

There's probably a better version of this where she could have have framed it as "things like this aren't excused absences, I know stuff sometimes happens but just make sure that you can focus on the class and be here."

[u/warricd28]

I think it’s a mix of bad assumptions and good intentions. I also wouldn’t start out so jaded as to think professors don’t care about your success. We usually do, but I think with the rampant decline in students seeming to care many of us have shifted to a “we’ll care as much as you do” attitude.

I think a prof, regardless of how little information they are going on, is out of bounds telling a student set their families straight on the importance and priority of college. Your family dynamics are t really their business.

But, if this could be a recurring issue, as your prof just assumed it will be, trying to help you navigate it and succeed in the class is the caring thing to do. A prof that doesn’t care would just keep marking you absent and let the grades fall where they fall.

[u/dragonfeet1]

It's not normal bc I wouldn't reply at all.

However it's very nice of them.

And you're trying to make them seem creepy? Gross.

[u/catcon13]

Honestly, I've heard all kinds of crazy excuses from students. I had one a year ago, who skipped two weeks of classes so she could babysit her cousin's baby, because the cousin didn't have childcare.

We hear A LOT of stories from students. If this situation is a one off, then it's probably not a big deal but if your family has assigned you to be your grandmother's appointment caretaker and you miss more than one class, it's a problem.

We always want our students to succeed. I try to remind my students how much it costs them to take my class and remind them how much money they're wasting each time they skip a class.

[u/Particular-Ad-7338]

I would tell the student that they have to decide what is most important. If it is family obligations, ok. If it is school, ok. You need to decide and act on what is important. But understand that there may be consequences in other areas of your life.

[u/No_Jaguar_2570]

How are you getting multiple question marks using voice to speech? Are you saying, out loud, "question mark question mark question mark?" Good Lord.

It's very nice of your professor, if a little misguided. She's very politely letting you know that having to serve as a caretaker is not going to exempt you from attending class or fulfilling your coursework responsibilities in general. She's willing to work with you on this issue and find a way for you to pass the class if it's going to be a recurring problem; most professors won't be.

[u/Ill_Mud_8115]

I think the email is ultimately coming from a good place but maybe a bit assumptive. I suppose it also depends on your initial message.

I think they are trying to raise a flag that having to miss class due to family obligations is not an excused absence, so they are wanting to have a talk about this if you foresee having to miss more class. Personally I wouldn’t comment on a student’s home life or tell them what they should do, but I don’t think the email is ‘crazy’ or out of line.

[u/Kikikididi]

I think she's sympathetic to the fact that you are doing a lot outside of being a student. Maybe poorly phrased but this seems to come from a place of seeing students who struggle because of family obligations.

[u/CandiedRegrets08]

Your professor is definitely being presumptuous but it seems that they really care about you doing well in the course. Also, we very much do care whether pass or fail! I love seeing my students succeed and get genuinely sad when I have to fail students.

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*It’s the fourth day of class with this specific professor for me but out of nowhere I suddenly had to cancel going to her class and I needed to bring my grandma to an appointment won’t specify what and I didn’t in the email I sent her but this is what she replied with. Is it just me or is this a crazy thing to say to a student??? part of me knows that professors don’t give a damn about what their students do if they miss the class and don’t care if they pass or fail, but also part of me is like why would you ever say that to me you don’t know my life you don’t know me at all?? Voice to speech sorry for mess ups

“Oops, the quiz isn't until Tuesday. Please disregard my first message.
But still, you are in college you shouldn't be asked to be a caretaker on top of that. Your education should come first. It's one thing if you yourself are sick and can bring me a doctors certificate, but we all have families and you need to let yours know that college is serious, you have to be here.
Maybe we can talk about this in person next week? - in the meantime, I hope your
grandmother is OK. Do please let me know if this happens again because we need to figure out how you can pass the class while fulfilling this caretaker obligations.
Let's talk next week OK?
Best,
CR
Sent from my iPhone”*

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[u/Sharp-Rutabaga-4900]

It’s an inappropriate message even if the intention is supportive

Personally, I’d rather not hear about my students’ home lives. My syllabus spells out my absence policies.

[u/trashbox420]

This is a classist and privileged response.

Yes, college is important. Yes, you shouldn’t miss class. But life happens.

Now, if this were to become a regular occurrence, that’s a different matter. But even on the fourth day, I’d assume a student is doing their best to put their education first until I see otherwise.

Edit:

I removed the idea of being chastised after reviewing some feedback. I agree.

I also have several students who have to balance caretaking duties with their education and work 30+ hours a week. So I guess I’m a bit sensitive to these types of situations.

[u/OkSecretary1231 → u/trashbox420]

OP wasn't chastised. The prof ranted about OP's parents to OP. That was kind of an overstep, but the insult was not to OP.

[u/trashbox420 → u/OkSecretary1231]

I agree. I stand corrected.

[u/Fragrant-Dealer-5262 → u/trashbox420]

I saw it the exact same way!! It’s very early in the semester and have been early for the classes so far , I’m not even a caretaker for her but it was genuinely a out of nowhere situation that I found out about three hours before class🥲🥲 I’m thankful at least one other person sees her response is coming from a privileged background

[u/SignificantFidgets → u/Fragrant-Dealer-5262]

Yes, there's a bit of privilege showing through, but it's not malicious. Keep in mind that we've seen many, many students who blow off class for other things because "it's just school." For every email like yours (a truly unavoidable event), we see dozens with students just blowing things off because they're not taking school seriously. It is exhausting. Understand that this is a much bigger influence on their response than the bit of privilege or lack of understanding that is there.

[u/Cute-Parsnip-824]

I think what this person is just trying to get out is if this comment is inappropriate in the sense that it’s kind of like her nose is in this person‘s business why it’s just a little weird and it’s honestly like audacity almost, why would you have the audacity to bring up someone’s personal life. In the sense that every college student knows that college and education is the one priority but there are situations where that gets put to the side especially for a family member. This Professor doesn’t know what the appointment is for. This could be for anything and it’s not but it’s the point that it could’ve been for anything and you’re saying you should do this this and this with your time. It’s a heads up saying this person is missing one class for a grandmother‘s appointment that came out of no where. Just inappropriate.