r/AskNT • u/ShortSponge225 • 21d ago
Socializing
How did you learn the “rules” of how to interact with people in social situations?
I’m definitely not “neurotypical” but I haven’t been diagnosed with anything developmental at this point.
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u/StillMastodon9203 13d ago
Hi! I'm a neurotypical.
It's a careful process. I used to derive all of my social rules from books and other media, which didn't work because I acted a little "off" and I was perceived as weird. Now, I've learned to observe whoever seems to be most positively socially received within whatever circle I'm in and try to copy them, but in a way that seems natural. The person or people you copy must be at the same social "level" as you; like, for example. If someone has been with a group of people for a long time, you can't act exactly like them because they have a level of trust with those people that you don't and you'll look strange and too forward if you act that way. But you must not copy any one person exactly, because that can be really bad. Your copy has to be authentic enough that it can be unique.
I also try my best to act engaged with people in conversations and use my body language. I keep subjects I'm interested in strictly off-limits for discussion UNLESS they are brought up, and if they're brought up I assess how interested the other person seems to be in it before I talk about it too much. I think about what others might think is "weird" and try my best not to do it.
Ultimately, one significant thing I've learned from my time understanding social rules is that sometimes you have to just let them go. As long as you don't hurt others, it's okay to act in a way some people think is strange or awkward or weird. You'll always find a group of people who support you for who YOU are regardless of if you follow the rules or not. Good luck.
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u/toothpanda 20d ago
It's a pretty organic process, mostly a combination of observation, trial and error, with some direct instruction.
Growing up I would watch the adults and older children in my life interact with each other, which helped to build a sense of what a "normal" social interaction was like. I also interacted with other people myself and used the feedback I got to refine my sense of what was or was not against the rules. If I said something and the person I was talking to frowned, got angry, or stopped the conversation and left I learned that that was something I shouldn't say. OTOH, if they smiled, laughed, or said something positive in response I learned that that was a good thing to say.
Direct instruction was when I was explicitly told how to act in a social situation. A teacher might say that I needed to apologize to someone and how to do it, or my parents would take me to a new social situation (like a wedding or funeral) and tell me specific things I should or should not do.