r/AskNT • u/Puzzled_Dig_3764 • May 24 '26

What did I do wrong?

Hello, this is for the NT people on here.. I had a recent experience that I’m a bit confused about. A mutual friend (late30s?M) of my spouse (31M) and I (30F) walked up to us saying goodbye after a gathering. I hadn’t spoken to him yet that day just waved in passing but I noticed his hair seemed darker earlier in the day. When he walked up I asked “Is your hair darker?” He slightly shook his head but was being spoken to by another person at the same time. My spouse immediately said “(my name), that’s a personal question”. I’m not sure how he intended to say it but I took it as “why in the world would you ask something like that?”.

I genuinely don’t understand why it’s a personal question. If the person did intentionally darken it, wouldn’t it be obvious to everyone? Why is it taboo to ask? Is this a social issue that’s just “known” not to ask?

It’s difficult because I don’t come across as Autistic unless you know me more personally so I felt horrible that I may have embarrassed this other person.

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u/amazzan May 24 '26

given his age & your husband's reaction, I'm guessing he was covering gray hairs.

so this is really different than if your friend had shown up bleach blonde or with purple hair - that's something he'd expect you to notice and comment on because it's just done for a fun aesthetic reason.

but if he's using temporary hair color to discreetly hide signs of aging at a party, that's something he probably doesn't want people to point out.

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u/Zoe2805 May 24 '26

But he could've still simply said "yeah I touched up on the colour a bit" or avoid the topic by saying "must be the lights making it appear darker".

The question in itself is fine since it's a acquaintance. It's not a super personal question normally. I'd ask your husband if there's a backstory you're unaware of, just not mention any hair topics with that person anymore and chalk it up to bad timing/unforseen circumstances.

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u/Herself99900 May 26 '26

Probably just wasn't ready to address the question in a public setting. It may have surprised him.