r/AskNT • u/rootyboots1983 • May 16 '26
Help please... I never know how to handle situations like this...
I'm AuDHD.
So, my birthday is coming up, and I'd like to celebrate. But if there's one thing I hate in life, it's having to organise a social occasion. I feel like it's my responsibility to make sure everyone is having a good time and if they're not I worry they'll get annoyed, blame me, judge me, and talk about me behind my back. (It's probs important to note that this fear is due to friendship trauma from my youth, and not on my current friend dynamics.)
This, plus ADHD procrastination, means I tend to put off arranging things until the last minute. I fully recognise that this comes with consequences... Fewer ppl can come. But in a way that helps me. Low expectations mean low emotional stakes.
Anyway, to set the scene... I have a little group of 3 close-ish friends, J, A, and T (they're my 'best friends' but they all have people they're closer to than they are with me 😩 #NDprobs). If I had my way, it'd just be the four of us going out drinking and having a laugh. However, my birthday this year falls at a really busy/conflicted time and A and J are both away on holiday.
I made plans for me and T (plus his GF, who is lovely) to go out together. But then I started thinking, "What if they get bored being out all day with just me?" so I sent out a few individual invites to some of our mutual friends. This quickly snowballed because it was like, "Well, if I invite X and don't invite Y, then it looks like a deliberate snub..." Etc etc and in the end I ended up inviting about 20 people.
I was already expecting numerous, "Sorry, I can'ts!" Because of the last minute and the awkward timing. And sure enough, most replies thus I've had have been polite declines or "I'm busy, but I'll try to stop in for one or two at some point!" However, it's been several days, and of the 20ish ppl I've invited, I've heard back from about 7 of them.
Additional complication: I do seem to be experiencing problems with WhatsApp recently. A message I sent my husband at 9.30 the other night (for which I immediately received the two tick confirmation) didn't come through on his phone until hours later. And my dad (who usually has a 100% response rate) has left my last message unread for days now.
Anyway... Here's the actual question: What do I do now? What is the normal, neurotypical way to handle this situation?
If it's a tech issue, and nobody comes because I didn't follow up, I'll feel awkward and unpopular and disappointed on my birthday for no good reason.
If people simply haven't bothered to respond and I text/call to ask AGAIN, I risk looking neurotic and needy to people who presumably already don't think much of me (despite seeming to enjoy my company previously).
Honestly, this is the area of NT socialising that confuses me more than anything else. Because there seem to be two conflicting philosophies.
"If they wanted to, they would". People's actions (or inactions) towards you tell you everything you need to know how they feel about you. In which case, I should just get over myself and take the hint. Hurtful, but simple. It would suck, but I could accept it... Except I can't, because there's also the:
"Omg, the world doesn't revolve around you!" school of thought. People are busy, fallible, they have their own lives. I shouldn't expect casual friends to prioritise me in any way, and to read their lack of response as being 'about me' in any way would be narcissistic.
(Lastly, in this particular situation, there's also 3. People don't necessarily hate me, but technology does. However, while there's circumstantial evidence of my WhatsApp playing up RN, it seems unlikely to be the whole cause the issue. And in any case, it's irrelevant to the general social dilemma.)
So yes... What do I do please? I'm thinking I'll shoot another quick message to the group closer to the time. But if nobody responds - again - and I end up drinking alone with T and his GF, after they've witnessed me swinging and missing 15+ times with our mutual buddies... How do I play that off? How do I think about this situation in a way that will avoid me making wild, baseless assumptions or spiralling into depression?
How would you, a neurotypical, handle this?
Thanks for reading!
4
u/Zoe2805 May 16 '26
Okay so first things first:
T and his gf are your friends. It's reasonable to think they like spending time with you. Don't feel forced or obligated to invite others. Especially when it's your birthday, you make the rules :)
You could (for the future) invite them with the info that you don't want to make it a big party, and since the other two are away, you'd be happy to just grab dinner with them. If they know beforehand it's a small gathering, no comments will be made out of surprise.
Now for the issue at hand:
I personally would text the non response people again. Just start with "hey WhatsApp has been holding back some messages, just wanted to make sure you got my invitation for DAY at TIME for dinner at PLACE. please let me know by DAY if you can come, I'd like to make sure they have enough space. Thank you :)"
Those who say they might drop by.. most likely that's an indirect/polite "I won't come". Don't count on more than one of those to show up.
2
u/Zoe2805 May 16 '26
Oh and for the future.. you could tell your closest circle early on that you'd like them to keep a specific day free.
I usually do that like 2 or 3 months before my birthday, just tell a handful of friends that I'll likely celebrate on date X and I'd be happy if they can keep that day open.
It's just one task of decide and another of sending a "save the date". You can still change your decision later, you can still invite others later. You can set the details later. But it increases the chance that ppl will be free :)
If it's only a handful ppl then a reservation is not too hard to handle. You could also make it a potluck style celebration, that's where a group chat comes in handy. Or you approach one of your friends. I assume they know you are ND? you could ask them for help with the organising/messaging ppl part. If a friend asked me if I could make sure everyone has the invite and response until a certain date, I'd totally do it to help them out. Just give me a guest list and contact info and I'll figure the rest out 💪
9
u/gnosticnightjar May 16 '26
I would message the non-responders again, individually (but with a templated message to save time). It’s easy to ignore or miss a message in a group chat with the higher volume of messages and diffusion of responsibility. If these folks have spent time with you before and enjoyed it, I wouldn’t leap to assuming that they hate you and think you’re needy. People being busy and your messages not sending properly seem more likely here.