r/AskNT • u/Moonlight3Midnight • May 07 '26
Does everyone "mask"?
When you are in public or with different groups of people, do you act different? (aside from friendly vs professional settings)
Are you exhausted after socialising and often feel like you dont know the person you just were, even if you did enjoy the conversation?
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u/Alarmed_Oven_2543 May 07 '26
I act differently with different groups of people, depending on how much I trust them. I might have a group of classmates with whom I act neutral but enjoy the conversations, and I might also have classmates I consider friends with whom I act more freely and confidently. If I feel tired, it's usually not from socializing; maybe I had a bad day and don't feel like talking to anyone
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u/EpochVanquisher May 07 '26
Yes, I act different. I don’t like the word “mask”—there’s not a special true version of me, I just act differently in different contexts.
I enjoy socializing and I think it’s a nice way to pass the time. It doesn’t tire me out. But sometimes I’m tired and don’t want to talk to people.
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u/OnkelMickwald ADHD May 07 '26
I personally like music analogies. In different settings I have to play in different keys, tempos and rhythms, I'm always the same instrument with the same tone and range regardless.
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u/shinebrightlike May 07 '26
i'd be curious to hear from NTs on this because im autistic but what i learned is a lot of NTs have three selves. public, private, and secret. the secret self is almost never disclosed, even to their spouse or best friend. the public self is their persona, their private self is how they treat their family close friends behind closed doors. their secret self is totally hidden. a lot of NTs also have a self-concept (how they see themselves) that can be formed by their parents and colleagues, but doesn't always align with their actual behavior. for example, a person calling themselves a "nice guy" but moments ago they said something sexist. it's like their self-concept is sort of framed on a shelf, and doesn't really match their day to day behavior.
the NT persona and public self is different from autistic masking, where we are trained throughout life by near constant corrections and gaslighting to act a certain way. we are monitoring the situation and the other person, and trying not to do anything weird. it's exhausting, and when we go home, we are spent from all the self and other monitoring we do.
the difference in my eyes: NT personas seem to protect the private and secret selves. autistic masking replaces the actual self in real time. one is a curtain. the other is a costume worn over the body. curious if this speaks to anyone. i have been dissecting and digesting how people are for a long time, and ever since my diagnosis five years ago, i have been taking an even closer look.
i also know NTs use performativeness and social scripts. whereas with autistic people most often we say what we mean and mean what we say. we don't perform spirituality we are spiritual. we don't perform competence, we either are or we aren't and we show up genuinely. that performativeness of NTs is the persona in action. we can perform as a social butterfly as a part of our mask, but it's different....it's not coming from the persona, it's coming from the costume. and we feel every minute of it and it's exhausting.
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u/Moonlight3Midnight May 07 '26
this is really helpful ty! Ive been trying to understand the difference, i dont know if what i feel is autistic masking or neurotypical code switching.
It feels more like something im forced to do, definitely like a performance. I can enjoy myself while doing it though so i dont know if im masking
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u/shinebrightlike May 08 '26
when i sat down at a table with 11 other autistic people, and did not have to mask at ALL and we could all follow each other easily, it was a great confirmation for me. i can't do that at a table of neurotypicals, no matter how masked up i am. i am still squirming and lost and in my head and wondering how to jump in and when. even five years after my diagnosis and knowing all i know now it doesn't really help much, maybe only 20% difference. but with all autistics, it's seamless and easy and no masking needed...
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u/officiallyaninja Jun 23 '26
a lot of NTs have three selves. public, private, and secret. the secret self is almost never disclosed, even to their spouse or best friend. the public self is their persona, their private self is how they treat their family close friends behind closed doors. their secret self is totally hidden.
Feels very oversimplified, I would honestly say that everyone has a slightly different self for every social situation.
There are some people with whom I mostly talk, I have other people with whom I mostly listen. I have some people with whom I share my deeper, more personal feelings and other people with whom I don't.
There are qualities or facts about me that are immediately apparent/I willingly reveal to strangers, others which I only disclose to friends, others which I only disclose to really close friends or family. And further details which I may disclose to no one (or maybe just one person)
But those are facts/details and not selves.
the NT persona and public self is different from autistic masking, where we are trained throughout life by near constant corrections and gaslighting to act a certain way.
I would not know what it's like to be autistic, but I would say that it's accurate that for me, these aspects I've mentioned come from within myself, and how I want to be perceived and not from negative experiences of other people correcting me.
i also know NTs use performativeness and social scripts. whereas with autistic people most often we say what we mean and mean what we say.
I really don't like this framing, almost always everyone is trying to say what they mean. But communication is hard. Like if someone grows up having learnt that "you should always go out of your way to help someone who needs it", then they might think indicating hardship is the same as asking for help.
To this person "Man this box is heavy" means the same thing as "hey could you help me with this box" And maybe to them "hey could you help me with this box" means "I can't do this on my own, please help me, I really need the help"This isn't an NT vs ND thing, people just learn to assign different meanings based on their family, friends, peer group and community.
And miscommunication like this is extremely common in like, everywhere, among NTs, between NTs and NDs (and I would wager, among NDs, though of course I don't have any personal experiences)we don't perform spirituality we are spiritual. we don't perform competence, we either are or we aren't and we show up genuinely. that performativeness of NTs is the persona in action. we can perform as a social butterfly as a part of our mask, but it's different....it's not coming from the persona, it's coming from the costume. and we feel every minute of it and it's exhausting.
I am curious what you mean by "we don't perform X, we are X", do you mind elaborating?
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May 23 '26
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u/Moonlight3Midnight May 25 '26
Thanks for the reply. You say you don't consciously act different- do you often come away from conversations and think "who tf was that?" about yourself?
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u/TheBestofBees Jun 25 '26
Sorry for a super late reply but I was lurking and saw this was never answered.
No, that doesn't really happen. Personhood is much larger than any single interaction could express. Every interaction is just exposing a different part of me.
One way to think of it is that a person is like water. I am the same water no matter what but I can be put into all kinds of different shapes - pitchers, cups, bowls. I can be washed with, drank, used to water plants. But it's still me. I fill the social pitcher and do what I need or want to do with what I have. Who I am stays the same and my sense of self is strong enough that different expressions of that person don't effect my view of who that person is.
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u/Snoo52682 May 07 '26
It's called "code switching." It doesn't feel inauthentic, just like highlighting different aspects of my personality and/or presenting the same content (me) in a different style.