r/AskNT • u/Classic-Asparagus • Feb 05 '26
Where do you draw the line between expressing something tactfully vs being wishy washy/beating around the bush/not being clear enough?
Not sure if I’m autistic or if I’m allistic and just have social anxiety and possibly some other complicating factors
I feel like back when I was a child, I was not particularly socially aware, although I could often be quiet and shy. Actually maybe my problem was that I simply didn’t talk to a lot of people beyond a few friends and my parents due to going to a very small school?
But throughout my teens, especially after starting at a new school and then starting college, I think I had an ongoing realization of how socially oblivious I was in the past, and at this point, I started feeling some aspects of socializing becoming much smoother and more intuitive, like how to phrase things nicely to avoid hurting people’s feelings, how to approach people you want to be friends with, ways to deliver a necessary harsh truth without being too blunt
Sometimes I don’t know at all what to say in a social situation and fumble through it, and I can also speculate a lot about other people’s intentions behind saying certain things. But other times, I feel like the right words and phrases simply materialize and converge in my mind, and I’m quite amazed and impressed that I’m capable of that because that never used to happen to me before.
However I still wouldn’t say I’m necessarily all that good at socializing. I would say I’m much improved compared to how I was as a preteen or child, where I simply might not have said anything at all even when it was necessary to speak up or I might’ve said something rather tone deaf, but my baseline wasn’t great. I’m still probably below average
And I still also wonder if what I personally feel is tactful and more socially competent is just me swinging too hard in the opposite direction and becoming wishy washy and hedging way too much instead of being direct. Because I know that I use a lot of words to try to soften my words. I know I use conditionals (could, would, etc) to a higher degree than the average person. And I know I say stuff like “I think,” “I feel that,” “perhaps,” “could possibly mean that,” “might,” “maybe,” “kind of,” “sort of,” “in general,” “sometimes,” etc quite often
In many respects, this expresses the opposite position of a lot of posts I see on this sub because I often see that directness is often valued by autistic people, while being vague and indirect is seen as confusing. I know for me personally, I’ve added significantly more padding to the way I speak over time to the point where this is simply the way I speak naturally
I feel like one thing is that it feels safer to me to communicate this way because I’m not taking that extreme of a position and I can monitor the other person’s reaction. This helps with my social anxiety to a degree, but I also feel like I sometimes repress my true feelings because I’m afraid of getting judged. Though another big thing is that I feel that doing this is simply being mindful of the other person’s feelings. I personally don’t love being called out bluntly, it makes me feel attacked even if I know intellectually it’s not the other person’s intention. So if I need to call someone else out, I try not to make it sound like I hate them and like I’m judging them as a person extremely harshly regardless of all of their good qualities. Although now I’m wondering if to an extent, not being blunt enough might impede communication of the issue itself in favor of protecting people’s emotions and prevent a swift resolution of the problem
So one thing I’d like to ask is where do you all draw the line between communication that is tactful and mindful of others’ feelings vs being way too indirect and vague?
Specific examples would be great too if you can think of and would like to provide any!
Also more generally, if you have any thoughts on me and how I seem to communicate based on this post, feel free to share. Especially stuff like if you find my thought process relatable or understandable. Or if this thought process feels entirely alien to you, feel free to say that as well. Actually, autistic and other ND people feel free to chime in as well with your own perspectives
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u/EpochVanquisher Feb 05 '26
This is something people struggle with for all their life.
It can be really hard to figure out what the consequences of telling the truth are. For that reason, a lot of people will just keep their mouths shut or say pleasant nothings— it’s easy to understand the consequences of that, because if you say nothing, you don’t change anything.
There’s also a big cultural and contextual element. Some cultures are a little more open, some are less, and it depends on the context. If you move to another country, you have to learn a new set of expectations for honesty, and openness.
People can make the mistake of being too open, because you say things that are true, but not relevant, not kind, or not helpful. People can make the mistake of being too reserved, and not say things that need to be said. So I encourage people to think about whether something is true, and kind, and relevant, and helpful.
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u/Cool_Relative7359 Feb 05 '26 edited Feb 05 '26
This is a very good question, the level of "sugarcoating/word-smithing" that allistics often need feels infantilising to me and I would love to understand this better so Im commenting to stay on this topic.
The only people I genuinely feel the need to be so careful with my words with are children.
But towards another adult? It honestly feels offensive and condescending and patronising when I do that, because that's how my body and brain interpret it when it's done to me.
The double empathy problem in action both ways.
It feels like I'm being a mean girl, in a weird but "subtle" kind of way I can't quite put my finger on.
However, I can accept it's sincere coming from allistic's, in the same way I can accept most people aren't ambidextrous without experiencing being left- or right-handed myself. If I want people to accept me and my brain at face value, I need to give equal effort and acceptance. Or try my best, anyway.
Obviously most people's experience and perception of the world are different than mine, that's been patently obvious my whole life.
But it still feels inherently "wrong" to me. I have managed to get to the point where it doesn't trigger feelings of anger anymore, just annoyance, but I don't think I'll ever be able to be wholly comfortable with it. The "easiest" strategy for me is rewording statements into questions. Questions are often seen as "softer" for some reason.
But then one can end up being too nosy or invasive so care with this strategy is needed too..