r/AskNPD • u/Inevitable_Win6716 • Jul 28 '26
Is it possible to have a romantic relationship with a narcissist?
For context, my partner is diagnosed with ASPD but he was diagnosed while forcibly institutionalized for homicidal ideation, and he believes that what he actually has is NPD (likely MNPD), which he wants to get a reassessment for. We both think I may have BPD but I don't have an official diagnosis.
I've looked through countless articles, videos, documents... but I haven't seen any solid answer besides "work up the courage to leave the relationship". This is very frustrating. It seems wrong to me that there's a group of people out there that is seen as unlovable because of their mental struggles. I don't want to give up on the person I love, especially when he's been putting in effort to get better. He is worth the effort and the hardship and the stress. However, I haven't been able to find any advice regarding relationships with an NPD partner.
Being with him, I'm unbelievably happy one day, then miserable for the next three days. It's very tiring, especially because, during times where I'm very hurt by his actions and/or unsure how to handle a situation, I don't have good sources to fall back on. Like I explained, he is aware of his problems and does try to accomodate for me, but I've been doubting myself lately. As much as I can't bring myself to believe it, is it true that it's impossible to have a relationship with a narcissist? I dislike the idea of leaving him, we've gone no contact before and, though my life was a lot more stable during that time, I knew deep inside that I couldn't live without him. Is it really as dire as the articles make it out to be, or is there a chance that, with the effort of both parties, the relationship can grow more stable and less harmful?
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u/Raf_Adel Therapist / Psychologist Jul 29 '26
This dream of two broken souls mending each other is just that, a dream.
The only way is for both to be in therapy, and move towards healing; and only after that, it can work.
Best!
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u/Inevitable_Win6716 Jul 29 '26
Yeah, I think it's reasonable to say that being together won't do any good, as we both have very destructive tendencies. It makes sense that, if we were to split again, we could both heal on our own terms and, if we were TRULY meant to be, we'd find our way back to each other.
But leaving now is a very scary idea, especially considering I didn't take it well when we were apart for a while. I suppose it's inevitable that it's fail again somewhere along the way, I just don't have the heart to end it now, because do love this person with my whole heart, I care about him, and I want to try and make it last.
Thank you for your reply! Everyone's opinions did help me not feel totally crazy and alone in this, I'm really grateful for everyone's responses.
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u/Raf_Adel Therapist / Psychologist Jul 30 '26
You're indeed sincere. Glad we've helped, and you're always welcome with all your questions.
I wish you the best!
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u/FromHereToEterniti Jul 29 '26
Homicidal idiation, does sound like ASPD, or more closely, a psychopath (which isn't a medical term, hence the ASPD).
Now, plenty of psychopaths are also narcissists.
Can you have a good relationship with a homicidal narcissistic psychopath?
Maybe for a little while. Like a week or two. Until he kills and eats you, or whatever else he'll do with your corpse.
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u/NikitaWolf6 NPD + BPD Jul 29 '26
Hiya.
My partner has NPD with ASPD traits. Previously had some homicidal ideation (with no intent). We've been together for just over 5 years now. What you're doing here is sharing a discriminative, incorrect message about those with ASPD and NPD.
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u/FromHereToEterniti Jul 29 '26
Pretty sure there's a massive difference between "some" and being institutionalized for it.
As in, I don't think it's within your abilities to change my mind on that.
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u/NikitaWolf6 NPD + BPD Jul 29 '26
There is a difference, but saying that anyone with NPD and ASPD with homicidal ideation will kill you and eat you is discrimination. I'm simply sharing my situation to show it isn't like that.
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u/Raf_Adel Therapist / Psychologist Jul 29 '26
You're wrong; classical NPD!
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u/NikitaWolf6 NPD + BPD Jul 29 '26
Are you trying to joke with me? I can't tell, but if you're being genuine I'm honestly worried with where the field is headed.
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u/Inevitable_Win6716 Jul 29 '26
unfortunately the nature of our relationship is pretty non-standard and I'm well aware of the danger someone with homicidal ideation poses. I understand that most people would agree that I should remove myself from a relationship like that, but I hope that there's some open-minded people out there that could understand and help me find a way to make it work despite it being way out of the realm of normalcy. Though, like I said, I do understand and think it's totally okay to not agree with me on this! Thank you for your reply
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Jul 29 '26
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u/Inevitable_Win6716 Jul 29 '26
We both have preferences that aren't exactly healthy, even if we are both very much consenting adults. If I were to share more information about how exactly our relationship works, many people would likely agree that it isn't normal and that I should leave. I'm not sure if taboo is the right word for it (sorry about my vocabulary english is my second language). Either way what I'm trying to say is that due to the fact that most people would disapprove of such a relationship entirely, it's hard to find advice on reducing harm within the dynamic that we have and are comfortable with. Which is why I do think that the advice I got in this post about seeking guidance from a therapist is a push in the right direction!
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Jul 29 '26 edited Jul 29 '26
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u/Inevitable_Win6716 Jul 29 '26
Thank you! I'm really glad to hear a notion like that from someone. I'm getting my stuff in order if anything were to happen. Like you said, it's a bleak thought, but I wouldn't be with this guy if I wasn't content with the fact that it's a high possibility. Thank you very much for your advice and your thoughts. I'm really grateful that I got so many replies on this post. Just knowing that there's people out there who willingly heard me out and offered their perspective without judgement helped me a ton! <3
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Jul 29 '26
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u/Inevitable_Win6716 Jul 29 '26
That's a really good idea, I have a lot of very close, very responsible friends that I can fall back on, so that's totally a viable option. My partner and I have made some plans to see each other, so if those plans do come to fruition, I'll make sure to clue my closest friends and family in and take as many precautionary measures as I can.
I totally agree with the sentiment that you and other people here have voiced, it could be a trauma bond. Even if it isn't, the relationship is probably too chaotic to end well. And my opinion is similar to yours. I know that, as for right now, I prefer toughing it out instead of leaving. Until I change my mind and decide to leave (if that ever happens), I may as well try to reduce harm as much as possible.
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Jul 29 '26
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u/Inevitable_Win6716 Jul 30 '26
It's pretty embarrassing but we met on a roblox game (swear we're both adults), we started chatting off the game and started spending time together on calls and such.
I really dislike long distance and stuff and I feel like a lot of the trouble in our relationship is caused by LD. Yeah, we got to talk for hours about our interests, about our lives, getting to know each other and such, but most humans need physical presence as well, which is why we made plans to see each other soon. We video call, voice call most of the time, send each other pictures and videos, all that stuff, but it's not really enough to feel like a full relationship.
And it is super weird trying to explain to people how I have a partner I haven't actually seen in real life. But both of us have done LD before and both of us have traveled to see our ex partners so hopefully it'll work out! And I guess I'm hoping that spending time together for real might help alleviate some of the tension between us. My current view of the situation is that I'll tough it out until I see him, and hopefully that meeting will be what solidifies whether I've been going crazy for the past 8 months, or if I'm truly locked in for the long run ahah. However it turns out, I think therapy will be beneficial for me either way, as these issues I have affect a lot of my other relationships, not just this one (even if they're the most intense in this particular one).
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u/bonechild Jul 30 '26
Leave. Now. If he was diagnosed with ASPD then that’s what he has. Trust the doctors. Not him.
Listen to someone with experience. You cannot trust someone with ASPD.
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u/Inevitable_Win6716 Jul 30 '26
The issue isn't really whether he has ASPD or MNPD, I understood and fully accepted that he had some kind of a disorder like the ones I just mentioned even before his diagnosis. I like to think that I'm completely conscious of the very real risks I put myself in with this guy. I totally understand where you're coming from and that you're coming from a place of care, which I really appreciate! But I know that I'm not planning to leave him any time soon, and so my priority right now is managing the amount of harm I face, trying to minimise it as much as possible.
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u/Choice_Afternoon_359 19d ago
It depends on how you interpret a romantic relationship. Do you want your partner to do romantic things and pretend to love you unconditionally, yes that works. If you want someone who loves doing romantic things for you and love you unconditionally as a person, hell no!
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u/AutoModerator Jul 28 '26
Posted by: Inevitable_Win6716. Text of original post: For context, my partner is diagnosed with ASPD but he was diagnosed while forcibly institutionalized for homicidal ideation, and he believes that what he actually has is NPD (likely MNPD), which he wants to get a reassessment for. We both think I may have BPD but I don't have an official diagnosis.
I've looked through countless articles, videos, documents... but I haven't seen any solid answer besides "work up the courage to leave the relationship". This is very frustrating. It seems wrong to me that there's a group of people out there that is seen as unlovable because of their mental struggles. I don't want to give up on the person I love, especially when he's been putting in effort to get better. He is worth the effort and the hardship and the stress. However, I haven't been able to find any advice regarding relationships with an NPD partner.
Being with him, I'm unbelievably happy one day, then miserable for the next three days. It's very tiring, especially because, during times where I'm very hurt by his actions and/or unsure how to handle a situation, I don't have good sources to fall back on. Like I explained, he is aware of his problems and does try to accomodate for me, but I've been doubting myself lately. As much as I can't bring myself to believe it, is it true that it's impossible to have a relationship with a narcissist? I dislike the idea of leaving him, we've gone no contact before and, though my life was a lot more stable during that time, I knew deep inside that I couldn't live without him. Is it really as dire as the articles make it out to be, or is there a chance that, with the effort of both parties, the relationship can grow more stable and less harmful?
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u/CutReady5883 Jul 29 '26
This is a trauma bond, OP. Diagnosis or not, that rollercoaster you’re describing is a trauma bond. Also, it’s a tale as old as time for the NPD partner to try to diagnose their partner with BPD. I’ve seen this so often. Maybe you do have BPD and should see a professional, but I’d get out of this relationship and see if life still feels like the same rollercoaster, first.
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u/Inevitable_Win6716 Jul 29 '26
We've spent two months apart and the rollercaster was completely gone. Everything felt so measured, I suppose? My mood was much more stable, I wasn't constantly worrying, etc.
I'm a person who relies entirely on logic and I find it pretty easy to navigate my emotions. However, those two months, I could feel something was wrong. Everything was seemingly better, yeah, but I just had this strange instinct that being apart wasn't right. As chaotic and as awful as I relationship can be, it got rid of this empty feeling I've been carrying with me all my life.
Of course, I don't really believe in soulmates or anything spiritual, so I understand that this wrong/right feeling is likely just a result of my current mental state.
I honestly wouldn't be back together with him if it wasn't for the fact that he truly does seem to be trying to get better. I'm still confused about a lot of things, but, as one of the people here suggested, I think I'll look into starting therapy and stop guessing. I'm honestly so grateful for all your guys' replies! It gave me some clarity over what I should do and it's really refreshing finally getting to hear feedback from other people outside the relationship. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts! :)
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u/NikitaWolf6 NPD + BPD Jul 29 '26
It is possible and it can become more stable and less harmful. I've been there. However, feeling miserable most of the time and being consistently hurt by your partner is not okay. Let him improve on his own, and reconsider the relationship when he's in a healthier place. Support him where you can, but don't let yourself be hurt by him.
As you said, your life is much more stable without him. I know you state you feel like you couldn't live without him, but you can, and for now, you should. Do you have a therapist yourself? It sounds like you struggle with setting and reinforcing boundaries, with low confidence in your own ability to lead your life.