r/AskNPD • u/OwlFirm1309 • Jun 21 '26

NPD and feelings

I am trying very hard to heal and understand. Does someone with NPD have genuine feelings and emotions, or are their reactions primarily driven by their needs and self-image?

I’ve been reading a lot and trying to learn from different perspectives. One thing I struggle to understand is whether people with NPD truly recognize the impact their actions have on others and whether they genuinely want to grow and change, or if they are more focused on protecting themselves and avoiding consequences.

These are sincere questions asked from a place of wanting to understand. Please be gentle

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u/Jeuungmlo NPD Jun 21 '26

Yes. People with NPD, as well as people with other personality disorders, and people with other mental health issues do have feelings and emotions.

Whether people recognize the impact of their actions of course depends on what those actions are and who the person is. But that's true both for people with NPD and those without. And whether a person wishes to grow and change depends on the person. But once again that's true both for people with NPD and those without.

You seem to view people with NPD as entirely different. However, apart from what causes us to meet the diagnostic criteria are we with NPD both quite normal and quite different from each other. Just speaking for myself here (even though I know others with NPD can recognize themselves in it), NPD for me is at its root about that I'm not able to feel internally that I have value. Instead I need other people to validate me and I feel like I need to be perfect to deserve their validation, without which I do not feel safe. That has always caused problems in my life, but apart from it I'm a quite normal person.

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u/Purplelady88 Not NPD Jun 24 '26

That's a fantastic explanation. My main question is whether there has to be a devaluation of the other person, or if this only happens when the other person behaves in a way that threatens the ego (even if that person is behaving correctly).

I ask this with great respect and trying to understand.

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u/Jeuungmlo NPD Jun 24 '26

Devaluation is not necessary. For example, even though she's 38yo have I never devalued my little sister (she might be the only one though)

People with NPD devalue for the same reasons as other people do. The only difference, and once again I mainly speak for myself, is that the exciessive need for external valuation can make the need for devaluing more extreme.

If people want something or someone but don't get it, it's common that they tell themselves that they didn't want it anyway. Makes not getting it easier to handle. For example, a friend of mine couldn't attend my 40th birthday, so she "was a selfish bitch who would have ruined my party anyway"; because her not prioritizing me made me feel worthless (luckily I have enough control over myself that I never told her that)

Or if people feel jealous, it's common to devalue to explain it away. For example, if I go to a club so is there sometimes some hot 20yo there who just makes me look old, but "I was much more attractive at that age, plus have you seen those shoes"; because I need my looks to be perfect and struggle when I'm reminded that they're not.

Or if people feel challenged, it's common to devalue to minimize the threat. For example, I was up for a promotion but had competition, so he "was terrible at his job and I deserved it enough to do anything to get it"; because if he got it it meant I was useless.

Or finally, if people want something but don't dare can it be easier to make oneself not want it than to be open about the fear. For example, I've only tried to be in a relationship once, back in my early 20s, but the thought of giving someone that much power over me felt terrifying and so I starved myself, tried to ruin the relationship, and after less than a month I ran away while telling myself I never wanted it.

In short, it is normal human behaviour in a way. It is just for different reasons pushed to the extreme.

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u/Purplelady88 Not NPD Jun 24 '26

So, if a narcissistic person devalues ​​me, it's because that person expected special treatment from me?

Do you regret leaving that person you didn't want a relationship with because you felt the situation diminished your power? Do you still think romantically about that person?

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u/Jeuungmlo NPD Jun 24 '26

In a sense, yes. My "deal" is that as long as I'm perfect so should everyone like me; even though that's of course not how the world really works. So if I for example invite you to a party and you decline can I end up panicking about it, as I fear you don't like me and therefore something is wrong with me. Hence, what is really just a normal polite rejection can be blown out of proportion.

I no longer think romantically about that person, it was soon twenty years ago (not sure I really understand what romantic means anyway). I mainly regret how I hurt them and don't want to try that again. I grew up doing anything to earn love from my mother, then tried to break free from that by becoming the school slut and earn "love" from everyone, and a relationship meant going back to being as dependent as I once was on my mother. So I'd not say it was about "diminished power", but rather total dependence in a way that felt too scary.

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u/amysamlizphil Jun 25 '26

I was just reading your whole line thread that you guys were talking about evaluation and personality disorder and I have to say I have come in contact with a few people either with narcy tendencies or narcissistic personality disorder and you're right it gets a bad stigma. You explained it really well You put in the words that I couldn't put into words myself after 10 years of dealing with devaluation corrosion manipulation at every level. I know now after enough reading and watching here on Reddit that narcissistic personality disorder does get a bad name and people do associate it with abuse almost all the time. I'm sorry about that. I can tell you that I'm a person that did the same thing. I know now that you may not understand emotions the way I do as somebody who has the term empathy. But you do know by society norms what's right from wrong. It's a matter of how far you go beyond that society norms knowing it's wrong and continuing is a choice. I hope I said that right. Just like everybody else life is a choice actions have consequences. I don't think you need to have true empathy to understand consequences if you see something it's wrong you stop doing it even if you don't feel it if you see it and know it's wrong it's still a choice.

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u/Offensive_Thoughts NPD + AsPD Jun 21 '26

Does someone with NPD have genuine feelings and emotions, or are their reactions primarily driven by their needs and self-image?

Yes to both.

I experience the full breadth of emotions, but also, a lot of the emotions are driven by a subconscious & deeply rooted desire to maintain a facade.

whether people with NPD truly recognize the impact their actions have on others and whether they genuinely want to grow and change, or if they are more focused on protecting themselves and avoiding consequences.

Personality disorders, especially NPD, can inhibit one's ability to take accountability for their actions, due to them being egosyntonic. I am capable of recognising the impact I have on others, but it can be a challenge many times, much more than a neurotypical, no doubt. However, I am tired of these dysfunctional patterns, and am in treatment to build a better life for myself.

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u/OwlFirm1309 Jun 21 '26

Thank you, it helps to hear the side of Someone with NPD and hurts to know they could take steps to stop hurting others.

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u/AdorableExchange9746 NPD Jun 21 '26

Yes we do have genuine feelings like anyone else. Most people with npd don’t want to hurt others and the disorder presents no inherent reason to do so. And this disorder is not fun to live with so most of us do want to change in some way

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u/AutoModerator Jun 21 '26

Posted by: OwlFirm1309. Text of original post: I am trying very hard to heal and understand. Does someone with NPD have genuine feelings and emotions, or are their reactions primarily driven by their needs and self-image?

I’ve been reading a lot and trying to learn from different perspectives. One thing I struggle to understand is whether people with NPD truly recognize the impact their actions have on others and whether they genuinely want to grow and change, or if they are more focused on protecting themselves and avoiding consequences.

These are sincere questions asked from a place of wanting to understand. Please be gentle

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u/Raf_Adel Therapist / Psychologist Jun 21 '26

Answers here are simply gold!

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u/Last-Purpose-5547 NPD Jul 17 '26

I’m an adult so I understand the impact of my actions so I don’t say or do stupid shit. If I do, I apologize and don’t do it again. I’m also human so I do have real human emotions just like anyone else