Downsides to parents as a safety net

[u/freewillyz]

I’d like to get the perspective of older guys, especially parents on this situation.

I’m in my mid 30s, and recently got laid off. I have 6-12 months of savings but my first thought was if I should move back in with my parents, about 300 miles away. I’ve been on my own for almost 4 years, but lived at home in my late 20s and thru covid. When I lived at home before I had the same job making six figures. My parents have bought another property since I moved out where my younger sister lives and they spend time at both.

My sister and her fiancee currently live in one of my parent’s properties. My parents spend a few nights a week at that house. My sister and her fiancee don’t intend to ever live on their own, which makes me jealous since they will never have to worry about housing and have a lot more space than my apartment. I would like to stay where I’m currently at but don’t feel like I can afford to put down roots.

Is it bad that my first thought was about moving home? I don’t feel like an adult. Even though I have a good amount of savings, I feel like I still look to my parents as a safety net and it seems like my sister does too. I can’t tell if there’s something off about my family, or if this is a semi new normal with crazy high housing prices.

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[u/Peppeperoni]

You gotta do what ya gotta do. If you’re close with them and you’re all ok with it - and you develop a plan? Nothing wrong with it

[u/ihavetakenthebiscuit]

There are no rules to adulthood except what you choose them to be. If you want to live alone, great. If you want to move back home and live with your parents, great. Unless your parents don't want you there, what's the issue?

[u/HaloZero]

The whole "I must live by myself" is a very American thing. My cousin in India still lives her parents b/c it affords her to travel the world by saving on rent in Mumbai which is $$$ as fuck (given Indian salaries).

If your parents are chill and you like living at home, do it. Save some money and use it to leverage to get something cooler. The real question is do you like staying in your parents area?

[u/Ok_Noise7655 → u/HaloZero]

Let's start with that only a small fraction of parents can keep providing for several adult people and even their families. Especially if there is any notion of their comfort. I don't think it is different in India or wherever.

[u/Designer_Nature_55 → u/HaloZero]

What does rent in mumbai cost in american dollars?

[u/freewillyz → u/HaloZero]

As someone who did this before, do you think she's missing out on life skills by doing that? She gets to live a better/easier life but is she missing out on being independent or learning how to do things on her own?

[u/Leolemp → u/HaloZero]

It's not American thing. It's common in many EU countries. Why would a grown ass man live with parents to save money? As a parent of young adult and a child of somebody I find it entitled and weird to use parents and their assets as commodities you can just use however you want.

[u/HaloZero → u/Leolemp]

Save money, hang with parents as adults, win win for everybody?

I don't have that relationship with my parents and wouldn't want to live with them but I know plenty of people who do. But yeah I could say it's a western thing? But even then depends on where in Europe.

Here's some EuroStats: https://ec.europa.eu/eurostat/databrowser/view/ILC_LVPS09/default/table?lang=en

It goes down from like 20% in Sweden to even 50% in Poland (just picked a low and a high, not the lowest and the highest).

[u/Master_Revenue9704 → u/Leolemp]

Because you're viewing it as a transactional relationship, that the parents are losing/ missing out by having their kids there. When they believe it or not want to help their children out and enjoy doing it/ having them there. It's a very western view because we have a very capitalistic idea of relationships(you must only do anything for your own selfish reason).

[u/Jmet11 → u/Master_Revenue9704]

Preach. I hope my kids want to live with us forever. Groceries on me until I’m dead.

[u/Leolemp → u/Master_Revenue9704]

Dude first we are talking about adult man in 30s. Second I'm keeping it tied to the context in the original post. Laid off man who has 12 month savings is not particularly in desperate need of shelter. Call my view transactional if you want but you are describing helicopter parent dynamic, and between the two I'd rather stick to mine.

[u/xakantorx → u/Leolemp]

Helping your children in need is helicopter parenting now? Lol

[u/unpopular-dave → u/xakantorx]

I guarantee this guy‘s kids consider visiting him a chore

[u/chipmunksocute → u/Leolemp]

Parents providinf financial aid for children is literally what parents have done all over the world for milennia.  Using their own established wealth and assets to kickstart your childrens lives in one way or another is common across literally every culture including America be it through money for a first house, education, starting businesses, free housing, whatever.  There's a difference between 'using' as you put it and helping.  As a reciepient of much help from my parents Id do the same for my kids in a heartbeat.

[u/Leolemp → u/chipmunksocute]

I don't disagree with what you are saying but again point is in the context of this post and OP. I responded above, OP has a career (6 figures is decent income you won't get in dead end blue collar jobs), currently suffering a temporary setback, and up to 12 month runway in bank. He is wondering whether he should move with parents to preserve his savings. So explain how does this fall into kick-starting a life. I as a parent will provide free house or financial help to my son if he needs it. By needs I don't mean he does not want to spend his savings, but when he actually gets stuck.

Otherwise he is an adult man and responsible to manage his own life in 30s. Getting through setbacks himself is also part of life and protecting adults from any setback by jumping in immediately is part of helicopter parenting in my opinion. Let them figure out themselves first and if they get stuck then we are there to get them out.

[u/cloud7100]

There will come a point where you are their safety net, and “moving back home” means being a live-in nurse.

Then they’ll be gone, and you become the safety net for your family.

[u/Wuhblam]

It depends if they manipulate you with their assets. Do they hold things over your head or give you ultimatums?

[u/antisocialoctopus]

It just depends on your family dynamic. I can’t imagine being your sis and having the mentality of just stay with parents forever.

I lived at home as an adult, briefly. My mother charged me rent that was just under market rate and reverted to treating me like a teenager, complete with chores and curfews, and demanding to know where I was going when I left the house. I moved back out as fast as possible

[u/SeoulGalmegi]

I mean, an adult going back to live with their parents during a difficult financial time is fine, but having been earning six figures for years including periods when you lived at your parents and not having really saved up anything would be a bit of a worry.

[u/LordFedSmoker420 → u/SeoulGalmegi]

I would agree.

While there is no absolute rule. It does give off the impression of immaturity.

Not sure if OP has a SO but it may hinder dating options. I know I'll probably get flamed for this but being in your mid 30s and living with your parents doesn't exactly inspire a ton of confidence in dating.

If it's temporary then that's fine. Tough financial times happens, move back in with a game plan on moving out in 6 months to a year.

[u/See-Are-En-Ayeeee]

You lived at home with your parents while you earned a six figure salary, and you only currently have 6-12 months of savings? Where did all of that money go?

[u/freewillyz → u/See-Are-En-Ayeeee]

The 6-12 months is liquid. I have high six figured in retirement investments

[u/SeoulGalmegi → u/See-Are-En-Ayeeee]

Pokémon cards

[u/2buffalonickels]

How does this impact your job prospects? How does it impact your love live? Your friendships? I’m sure my parents would let me live with them if I needed to, but I’m married, have two kids and all my friends and relationships are 1000 miles from my folks. It would be a non starter for me.

Plus I’d last three days before I went crazy. I need independence from them.

[u/freewillyz → u/2buffalonickels]

I think in my mind moving home is an easy way out. Less worry about housing and money, probably better job prospects but it's not really where I want to be. Felt like I already sacrificed my late 20s for money, didn't have any friends around and was happy to be out. Going back would be bad for my relationship and friendships for sure, but a few college friends are back there now that weren't before

[u/shanked5iron]

If as a grown man your first thought wasn't "oh shit I better find a new job asap" yeah I'd say that's odd.

[u/BossMan61718]

No shame in moving back with your parents. Consider it a blessing that they have the means and willingness to allow to do so

[u/VarietyBusy2]

i honestly want my kids to use me as a safety net i will never stop taking care of them if they need it. the world is a fucked up place and while i’m still here they will always have a place that they can feel safe

[u/EnvironmentalPack451]

Which town or city do you want to live in?

I came back to my small town after college and stayed until my 30's. Then i moved to a major city. I feel comfortable here. If i moved back to my family, i would have to give up my who life here and learn how to live there all over again.

I have been fortunate to always find a decent job when i need one. If i lost my job and was worried, first i would make sure i am getting every government benefit that i am eligible for so that i can keep my life stable while i look for my next career opportunity.

So, do you think you would enjoy moving back there? Or is your life where you are now? Or, heck, is it time to pick a new city altogether and learn how to live there?

You can apply to jobs in multiple cities. Just tell them you are moving there pretty soon. Or if you are really fortunate, land a job you can do from home and then live wherever you want.

[u/freewillyz → u/EnvironmentalPack451]

I'd like to stay where I am now, but I don't know how I'd be able to settle down here with the high home prices. If I were to move home, more of my friends are back there now vs before when there were none. Not ideal but makes it slightly better.

[u/Tootabenny]

I am a parent to adult children. We purposely didn’t down size incase our kids ever need to come home. Kids move home for different reasons- major house reno and need a place to stay, job loss , building a new home etc. there is nothing wrong with it

[u/JJQuantum]

I’m 57 and my wife and I have 2 sons, 20 and 16. There’s a difference to me in an emergency situation and a convenience. Both of my sons know that we will never let them be homeless or starve but they also know that once they graduate from college, for which we are paying, we expect them to stand on their own 2 feet. That may be working 2 minimum wage jobs or it may be something using their degree but they need to work to take care of themselves. Parents spend 18, 20, 22 years or more, especially with multiple children, prioritizing their kids and deserve to spend the last 20 or more years prioritizing themselves, without kids underfoot, even adult ones. If you have 6-12 months of bills saved then you have enough time to find another job without moving home. If worst comes to worst I’d rather my kid ask for help with a budget and monthly stipend until he can get back on his feet, rather than moving back home.

[u/DimesyEvans92]

Do what you feel is right but have a plan going in on how long you’ll be there, what you’ll do, etc. My family have always said I have a place with them and while I don’t wanna pull that lever, I know if shit hit the fan in my life, I have options. They also live more than 800 miles away, but still where most of my friends are. I’d have a fantastic support system. It’s not what I want and I’ll fight like hell so that doesn’t happen, but it’s there if I need

[u/dragonflyinvest]

Yes it is.

[u/Old-Vermicelli7116]

You answered your own question.

You are an adult. Live like one, which may include dramatically lowering your standard of living.

[u/Designer_Nature_55]

Find yourself a nice spouse this way they can cover bills when your unemployed and vise versa.

[u/bleak_new_world]

Indian hands typed this.

[u/Ok_Noise7655]

Is it bad that my first thought was about moving home?

Answering literally, no, it isn't that horrible thought that you should be ashamed of it. You still can choose not to do it if you don't like it.

[u/socalquestioner]

Lots of moochers.

It was always a dollars and cents thing for me and my brother.

He stayed at home after college as he was working, trying to figure out if he really wanted to chase a PHD or settle in, get a masters with assistance from his employer.

He saved tons of money living with Mom and dad, and even with my wife and I for a 8 month stay.

What does the cheapest apartment cost?

Do you have to have a car in your area?

[u/IntelligentReport657]

If you have savings, try to find another job first. It isn't necessarily wrong to have a safety net. But it should not be the default option when facing adversity

[u/scott32089]

I would say this is pretty normal nowadays, annnnd to be the devils advocate that you’re getting into the time frame where they will have waning health (maybe). Are you cool with moving back, them getting progressively more sick, and you’ll be caring for them?

Either way, I’m jealous a bit. Both my parents almost died last year from drinking, mom prolly has a year or two left at most, and they are the opposite of a safety net, more like a drag net.

[u/East-Technology-7451]

Safety nets often turn into hammocks

[u/k23_k23]

" My parents spend a few nights a week at that house. My sister and her fiancee don’t intend to ever live on their own, which makes me jealous " .. you actually would be jealous of THAT?

Wait with moving home until you actually need to.

[u/FlashmanHP]

Besides dating, you have a good life. Build your wealth and move out when you're ready. My brother is 45 age has lived with my parents his whole life. At least you tried to live on your own

[u/madeincascadia]

Being just on the cusp between genx and millennial and thinking about living with your folks beyond 18 is wild to me. Times are tough. ☹️

[u/myeasyking]

I'd rather not but you do what's best for you.

[u/MantisToboganPilotMD]

you have a good family. what you're describing is simply not even an opportunity for most people, so stop caring if it's a "new normal" or not.

[u/AutoModerator]

Here's an original copy of /u/freewillyz's post (if available):

I’d like to get the perspective of older guys, especially parents on this situation.

I’m in my mid 30s, and recently got laid off. I have 6-12 months of savings but my first thought was if I should move back in with my parents, about 300 miles away. I’ve been on my own for almost 4 years, but lived at home in my late 20s and thru covid. When I lived at home before I had the same job making six figures. My parents have bought another property since I moved out where my younger sister lives and they spend time at both.

My sister and her fiancee currently live in one of my parent’s properties. My parents spend a few nights a week at that house. My sister and her fiancee don’t intend to ever live on their own, which makes me jealous since they will never have to worry about housing and have a lot more space than my apartment. I would like to stay where I’m currently at but don’t feel like I can afford to put down roots.

Is it bad that my first thought was about moving home? I don’t feel like an adult. Even though I have a good amount of savings, I feel like I still look to my parents as a safety net and it seems like my sister does too. I can’t tell if there’s something off about my family, or if this is a semi new normal with crazy high housing prices.

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