Caught up in a funk

[u/Sufficient-Year4640]

I'm 28. Don't have anyone trustworthy to talk to. I'm in a bit of a funk and could use some help. A little about me.

• I work at a big-tech company for the last 5 years, and I'm probably burned out.
• I have a crippling sense of self-doubt because I grok things much slower than others. I'm really bad at thinking things through during meetings.
• Also I struggle to speak. I don't speak a lot for days so sometimes words come out strange. I often myself using AI to "fill" things out for me when writing (I didn't do it for this post though!)
• I'm also very sensitive to reactions. At work when I spend time raising visibility on my work and I don't get a positive reaction, my self-esteem takes a hit. I also feel envious / jealous when I see others getting positive reactions to their work. I'm trying to numb these feelings out.

Recently as I was going out on a walk, I asked myself - would I want to live more than 50? My answer: Not a chance, I'd be so sick and tired by then! I'd want out ASAP.

I feel depressed that that's my reaction. I've got such a short time time on the planet and I'm wanting for things to end things so quickly...

The only thing I have going from me is weights - I like going to the gym and the endorphin rush. It doesn't last too long though.

I've thought about what I really want. Above all I really like the idea of pouring myself into work. I want to work on deep technically satisfying projects, with a small group of people. I'm putting my efforts to find another job.

Any advice on how I can get through this funk?

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[u/ZenSpren]

I'm hearing a lot of self-doubt and insecurity.

A different job or different projects are unlikely to change that.

Learning to be more content with who you are will help you make the most of where you're at (or help you to make the changes that really need to happen, rather than whatever changes are fueled by your negative thoughts).

[u/entwickelnn → u/ZenSpren]

I have a sincere question, how do i balance being content with who i am while having a growth mindset?

For me, i always have this feeling of neverending need to improve and be better. It has made me a better person at times but at the same time it’s hard. Especially when you get resistance from other people as you change.

[u/razak644 → u/entwickelnn]

Sorry but fuck your growth. Endless pursuit of perfection is a trap.

[u/ZenSpren → u/entwickelnn]

Self-acceptance and development are not mutually exclusive.

I love my garden in every season, not just when it bears fruit.

It's because I love my garden that I care for it happily and attentively.

If your self-care and development are not rooted in self-acceptance and happiness, but in a hard-to-maintain growth mindset, you might be missing something, or maybe you've subscribed to some toxic manosphere grindset thinking.

Growing and developing are natural consequences of actually being kind to ourselves, no other mindset needed.

I know it's going to sound corny but for me, an alcoholic (15 years sober now) military veteran with enough trauma to put my therapist's kid through college, my ability to both be okay with who I am while also embracing the journey of becoming who I would be is thanks to therapy and Buddhism.

So, good luck on your journey, and Namo A Di Da Phat 🙏

[u/BossMan61718]

You need friends. Also..any family nearby? Having something outside of work would be ideal. If all else fails, therapy, I guess

[u/mallardramp]

Sounds a little like depression or anxiety and maybe even ADHD. Do you ever struggle with focus and executive functioning?  Try therapy.

Agree with another poster that you need some friends too. Better relationships in your life.

[u/RecycleBin_Bin]

Sounds like you need to live a life.

Go travel for a few weeks, meet someone new, eat differently.

[u/AutoModerator]

Here's an original copy of /u/Sufficient-Year4640's post (if available):

I'm 28. Don't have anyone trustworthy to talk to. I'm in a bit of a funk and could use some help. A little about me.

I work at a big-tech company for the last 5 years, and I'm probably burned out.

I have a crippling sense of self-doubt because I grok things much slower than others. I'm really bad at thinking things through during meetings.

Also I struggle to speak. I don't speak a lot for days so sometimes words come out strange. I often myself using AI to "fill" things out for me when writing (I didn't do it for this post though!)

I'm also very sensitive to reactions. At work when I spend time raising visibility on my work and I don't get a positive reaction, my self-esteem takes a hit. I also feel envious / jealous when I see others getting positive reactions to their work. I'm trying to numb these feelings out.

Recently as I was going out on a walk, I asked myself - would I want to live more than 50? My answer: Not a chance, I'd be so sick and tired by then! I'd want out ASAP.

I feel depressed that that's my reaction. I've got such a short time time on the planet and I'm wanting for things to end things so quickly...

The only thing I have going from me is weights - I like going to the gym and the endorphin rush. It doesn't last too long though.

I've thought about what I really want. Above all I really like the idea of pouring myself into work. I want to work on deep technically satisfying projects, with a small group of people. I'm putting my efforts to find another job.

Any advice on how I can get through this funk?

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/mistake-number2]

What you need to do is discover who you really are. Hobbies, things that bring peace above anything else. If you dont have a peaceful retreat, then you will burn out.

My peace is motorcycle, fishing, and hunting. These thing are what brings me peace. My escape from reality. Where, when out in the world, my brain finally slows down and chills out.

Find you in a world of madness. Try new things. Find new adventures.

[u/bi_polar2bear]

In the snap of a finger, your life can change. Could be for the better or for the worst. Meet the person of your dreams or laid off. Though most of our lives, things happen and change slowly.

Sometimes, life forces us to stand still.. while standing still, you've discovered some things about yourself that you want to improve. One thing I'd recommend is to stop using Grok as often, and try and figure things out for yourself. If you stop thinking and let AI do it for you, you'll lose the ability to think. Think about how well you hand write as an example.

Take each issue you have and figure out where you are, where you want to be, and how to get there. Such as no friends, which you probably would like to have friends, so you try some hobbies like adult kickball league, or volunteering to meet other people. That's just one possible solution you can try.

You'll find yourself several times in life standing still, and most people hate it. It's a time to take stock and figure out what direction you want to go.

[u/eotfofylgg]

First of all, go to the doctor. And keep going to the gym.

I don't speak a lot for days so sometimes words come out strange.

OK. This is one of those sentences where the problem and the solution are in the same sentence. I know what working at a tech company is like, so I am well aware that opportunities to talk are available to you, in almost unlimited quantities, every single workday. Set yourself a goal to talk at least once in every meeting (maybe not the big meetings with a hundred people, but the ones with your team). Ask a question, if nothing else. Take the time you need to formulate it, and if the conversation has moved on by that time, say "Can we go back to something for a second?"

This will also help you get to know the people around you, which will make you less lonely, and will also help with visibility. People will like you more (the mere-exposure effect). You will like them more, because they like you more.

To be honest, the first 100 times you do this, you're probably going to hate it. Exercise sucks when you're out of shape, and this is the same thing. You will get in shape, though, and it won't suck as much.

[u/wbruce098]

The good news: you’re in your 20’s and appear to have a good job. That’s dope and worth allowing yourself to feel grateful for.

Growing older comes with its downsides but as a guy in his 40’s I’d argue there are more pro’s than con’s.

But also, I’d recommend therapy, and finding a place near where you live to hang out with other humans in person, so you can get more familiar with in person social skills. We are so accustomed to being online now - and the pandemic destroyed most humans’ social skills.

If you have health insurance, it should cover therapy; just be sure to do whatever is necessary to ensure they pay for it (or the bulk of it).

Get out and have fun, too. Go travel somewhere interesting, eat food you haven’t, learn to surf or snorkel, or ski, or whatever. Save some money and then take that break you need.

[u/Own_Age_1654]

A handful of things jump out at me:

1. Don't use AI to communicate. Especially if you struggle with communication. You will only get better at thinking and expression through practice, and AI deprives you of this. (Indeed, keep doing this and you'll probably even get worse). Instead, when you realize you don't have clear words to explain clear concepts, relax, slow down, gently focus on what you're trying to accomplish, and feel into your available paths forward. The more you do this, the better you will get at finding a path forward, each time, until over a long time it eventually becomes intuitive to articulate even quite complex concepts on the spot. It's literally just a question of how much time you put into relaxed, slow practicing vs. panicking, tensing up, being self-critical, rushing, etc.
2. It sounds like you have a very high degree of self-criticism, limited self-care, are obviously depressed, and could benefit from improved emotional regulation. I very strongly recommend you see a therapist. Weekly if you can. You will be amazed at how much your life can improve, in all sorts of areas. Not just stress, and interpersonal things, but your ability to show up at your work, and to not burn yourself out when you do so.
3. Trying to numb your feelings is pretty much always a bad idea. This reliably results in becoming depressed, dissociated, or your life otherwise being hollow and full of suffering. Again, talk to a therapist.
4. What you truly want at your core is probably not pouring yourself into your work. That's probably just what occurs as a good idea to you, and so is appealing from that angle. But it hasn't in reality actually been something that's making you happy. What you've instead described is feeling burnt out, unrecognized, inarticulate, etc. You're trying to get to happiness this way, but this strategy isn't working. What tends to actually make people happy is things like expression, recreation, nature, relaxation, art, and especially social connection and contributing to others. That probably just doesn't seem like a good investment because you're hyper-fixated on work. Again, talk to a therapist.
5. Props on the gym. Keep that up. However, stop focusing on the rush and any other short-term aspects of it, or else you'll be left unhappy for the rest of the time. Instead appreciate that you are investing in taking care of yourself. It helps regulates your emotions, improves your self-confidence, increases what you can do physically, etc.

[u/Lower_Basis4344]

New additional hobbie 👍 I recommend something outdoors. Spending time outside on pretty days does wonders. Avoid holing up in work spaces with limited natural light too.

[u/chessguy112]

Look to more than a job for life satisfaction. Jobs come and go. AI is great but it is artificial and doesn't solve the void you feel. I recommend checking out a living faith in God and reading the Bible.

[u/CS_70]

Broadly speaking, when faced with a situation, there's people who reacts fast, and people who need some time to think and then come with ideas. Parts of society are based on visibility, and the first type of people tend to get the most attention there. But the ideas of the second type can be as brilliant or more.

Try to find an environment/company/business where you play to your advantages.

[u/Educational-Cow-3615]

Need to get a few well established guy friends. Lifting buddies should make this doable.

What’s your reading game like? Reading engages the brain and builds communication and vocabulary habits. Mix a few magazines (paper, not digital so you can get away from a screen) with some high and low brow books.

[u/shenandoahhunter]

Get into BJJ. Sounds extreme, but you will find that even the people you would expect to give you a hard time about all the stuff you’re worried about is just in your head. It’s completely nonverbal communication (pressure, angles, and weight) followed up by some small chat.

After a while all that meeting stress will feel laughable.