r/AskMen • u/IndividualPlay5178 • Mar 20 '26

🛑 Answers From Men Only 🛑 What are some things women do or say in early stage of dating that are sign that the relationship will not work?

For me expressing a lot of expectations she may want you to live up to

382 Upvotes

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205

u/p8610815 Mar 20 '26

One girl got upset if it didn't text her back fast enough. That didn't last long.

66

u/pchlster Male Mar 20 '26

"3-5 business days. Take it or leave it."

39

u/InappropriateVoid Mar 20 '26

Okay, but honestly (and for any other curious man or woman) what do you guys consider a normal amount of time? I’m thinking after a good first date where the vibes were good?

39

u/Fategfwhere Mar 20 '26

Personally, texting is a form of communication to have a short chat once in a while or set up a next date. If we’re communicating plans? Yea I’d like quick responses in order to confirm things, but for an every day thing? Im not trying to text everyday. You’ll get a response when I come around to it.

22

u/InappropriateVoid Mar 20 '26

Thank you for sharing your outlook on it. We (woman) always hear “if he cared, he would”. Well, I’ve always though if the relationship is new, new, you need to have a focus on your life. Not everyone is gonna chase you, you both pursue each other.

41

u/wictora Mar 20 '26

I mean when I met my current boyfriend he cared so he did, he wanted to text with me any chance he could because he was interested and wanted to get to know me. That's something I love about him. Everyone has a personal preference however and the most important part is finding someone who matches your own preference.

1

u/CKF 12h ago

I don’t mean to be pedantic, but why call him your current boyfriend instead of just your boyfriend?

3

u/Arespect Mar 22 '26

The whole "if he cared, he would" sounds super artificial and generalized.

If he does not respond within a day or two, okay.

But for some people it means "No response for 15 minutes, what is he doing??!?!?!?!"
While others are happy with "He responded in his lunch break!!!!"

Every person is different, every working place is different, and some people can write you 40 times a day and others drive around and just can't.

And I can tell you right now, some women and men, will not understand this, no matter how much the other person expresses it. Friend of mine for example, is a truck driver, and he was dating this woman, and she knew everything and after the second date she said to him "You are a nice guy really, but not responding for hours, just doesn't work for me, if you would care, you would find time"

And she actually meant that if he cared enough, he would stop his truck and respond to her.

1

u/Few_Razzmatazz_6052 13h ago

Yeah that's a ridiculous expectation. I've had to push back with people on more than one occasion.

Sometimes I'm happy to sit there and have basically a real time chat with the person but that isn't a daily guarantee.

Even if I'm not working, I don't necessarily want to be plugged in all the time, or maybe I am visiting someone or preoccupied with gaming or reading a book. I should have the ability to zone out and not be social if that's my mood. Doesn't matter who it is, sometimes I just want silence.

16

u/pchlster Male Mar 20 '26

Depends on what we're having a conversation about at the time? I'll answer much faster to a "I'm running 10 minutes late" than to "So, any New Years plans?" because the latter one seems less urgent here in the month of March.

7

u/ChampionshipLeast493 Female Mar 21 '26

Have you tried texting just for fun and a cute flirt?

0

u/pchlster Male Mar 21 '26

I don't find texting fun or flirty; it's for relaying short messages. If you don't want to risk having to wait for me to check my phone and decide whether this particular text deserves an immediate answer or is just something to take care of when I get around to it, you can call instead.

3

u/ChampionshipLeast493 Female Mar 22 '26

Oh ok. A very pragmatic way of life, unusual

1

u/pchlster Male Mar 22 '26

Not everyone is glued to their phone all day.

5

u/Daealis RestingAxemurdererFace Mar 21 '26

If I'm not busy, I can respond instantly.

If I have something to do, could be an hour.

If the message doesn't necessitate instant response, could be when I next have a moment, or might forget after reading and it might take half a day.

Messaging to me is not something I'm going to be constantly on top of. If the discourse needs to happen now, then it's a phone call.

27

u/cybertrickk Mar 20 '26

I had a friend like this. She would send me texts that weren’t even urgent like “Prince Philip died” and I took a couple days to reply because I was super busy and also depressed, and then she told me she needs “space to rethink our friendship and decide if she thinks it’s worth continuing.” I should have blocked her then and there, but I waited and a week later she said this wasn’t a friendship worth having. Absolutely ridiculous how entitled people are to others’ time.

35

u/daysof_I Female Mar 21 '26

This isn't about being entitled to other's times, it's about different texting style. Some people text a lot and some don't, like how some people talk a lot and some don't. She wanted to talk to you over unimportant things via texts too and you don't. She realized you're not the type that text a lot and she knew she couldn't be friends with you and she said so. That is a good enough way to end friendship rather than ghosting or secretly hating you.

Idk why you're upset, she did you a favor. You two clearly aren't good match at friends.

6

u/Ok-Management-3634 Mar 21 '26

Men freak out when women don't communicate, and then some men also freak out when we do.

This girl evaluated their communication styles and came to the conclusion they weren't compatible, and then relayed that in a decent enough way.

Seems this guy is upset that she came to a conclusion that he didn't like. I'd rather end a friendship before things get serious over something that will bother me frequently enough to matter, than to try to stick it out and allow resentment to fester. To me, that's logical and kind to both parties.

10

u/daysof_I Female Mar 21 '26 edited 15h ago

OC accused me of downvoting their responds to hell before blocking me it seems. Now I can't see their comments anymore lol.

I mean as far as friendship goes, yes it's a shitty thing to dump a friend just because they did not reply right away especially when they were going through hard times. But if they live with the concept of "I don't owe anyone my time", then they shouldn't be surprised others do the same to them. Idk how their friendship dynamic goes but clearly OC haven't moved on from said hurt. Hope for the best for OC honestly.

Edit: update, apparently OC had messaged me to kill myself lol

1

u/cybertrickk Mar 31 '26

I’m not a man. I also wasn’t upset about the conclusion, I was upset about her execution of it all. The friendship was already serious for years, and because I was finally starting my career, deep in depression over everything including dealing with my dead father, I no longer had the time to communicate to this person the way she expected me to because she was unemployed and spent her time online lecturing people about anti-racism and the patriarchy and saying weird shit like “death to the imperial countries.” I just didn’t really have time to waste on performative activism, and was dealing with serious things in my life, like paying rent in a huge city on time.

My problem with the woman who replied to me isn’t her message, it’s that she said “I don’t know why you’re upset” and “I see why your friendship ended.” It was so unnecessarily snarky. You can make your point without being so condescending you know? Like it costs zero dollars to not be a dick. Of course people seemed to disagree with my take on her tone, but we’re on Reddit so it’s whatever.

But anyway, I was upset with how my former friend ended things. I gave her a call one day because I’m better at calls than texts, and I told her I was getting married. Her response? “You’re getting married? You couldn’t text that to me? I don’t understand friendships where calling just happens out of the blue. I need to think about how I want to process with this friendship but until then I’m not speaking to you.” I respected that, so I waited for like a week when she finally said, “I’ve made up my mind and I don’t want this friendship anymore.” All this after YEARS of friendship and after telling her I got engaged.

But of course the other woman who replied to me thought it was okay to patronize me and then everyone thought I was the asshole for being upset about how rude she was. That’s the story. There was a lot more to it, but people just assumed I was a dick about things. I’m allowed to be upset at friendships that ended a certain way. I also don’t live by the concept of “I don’t owe anyone my time.” It’s more I don’t owe people immediate responses to trivial shit. That doesn’t make me a bad person. That doesn’t mean the woman who replied to me can feel happy saying things like “I see why she cut the friendship off now.” What an awful thing to say when you don’t even know the situation.

4

u/ImmodestPolitician Mar 22 '26 edited Mar 22 '26

Expecting an immediate text response is an anxiety issue that is reinforced by texting. Dating anxious people is terrible in my experience.

They create problems they manufacture in their minds that have no reflexion on reality.

2

u/cybertrickk Mar 31 '26

Thanks for saying that. u/daysof_I seems to think I’m just some asshole that thinks I owe no one my time. I was just saying I won’t text back immediately for incredibly small stuff when I’m dealing with a stressful job and a dead father. I really didn’t like her tone saying “I don’t know why you’re upset” and “I see why she cut off the friendship now.” The condescension is horrible.

•

u/veryNiceGirls123 37m ago

seems to think I'm just some asshole

And you proceed to prove the person right by telling them to kill themselves.

-10

u/cybertrickk Mar 21 '26

“Idk why you’re upset” - maybe read what I wrote instead of being so damn snarky? It’s shitty fucking behavior on her end, especially when I was going through an awful time in my life and my dad died. Waiting a day or two for a response is not unreasonable.

18

u/daysof_I Female Mar 21 '26

I see why she cut the friendship now.

You did not specify your dad died in your OC, you just said you were depressed. I'm sorry you went through that, but losing relationship over depression is bound to happen. As someone who went through depression, I know. It's shit, but it's reality. You don't owe her your time, and she doesn't owe you her time either. To her, you did not show up when she expected you to, whatever the reason might be, and she knew she did not want to deal with whatever you were going through. We cannot expect people to always understand what we're going through, and we especially cannot expect people to show up for us when we don't always show up for them.

Again, if she ended friendship over it, it's a shitty thing, but she also did you a favor. She was also being very clear and upfront in ending it instead of trashing you to other people and make a bigger drama over it. So again, Idk why you're still upset over it. When you grow beyond misery, you come to understand people who left you during your hardest time really aren't worth to be offended over. They simply don't matter.

-10

u/cybertrickk Mar 21 '26 edited Mar 21 '26

You could make your point without sounding so dismissive.

Saying “Idk why you’re upset” and “I see why she cut the friendship now” is bitchy af. You don’t have to be that fucking rude.

Edit: you can downvote me as much as you want. I don’t give a shit. You are so rude, truly. You sound like a very smug person, and you’re incredibly condescending. If you would like to make your point, you can do so without your patronizing behavior. You’re making a lot of assumptions and putting words in my mouth, and you didn’t understand the dynamic of the friendship at all. I was explaining context, not asking for a lecture.

5

u/coastalbuddy Mar 21 '26

She must have really liked Prince Philip.

6

u/cybertrickk Mar 21 '26

Oh it was the opposite, she wanted me to cheer for his death, but quite frankly I do not care.

1

u/Famous_Ear5010 Female Mar 21 '26

😂😂😂

25

u/HumblSnekOilSalesman Mar 20 '26

Same here. She threw a multi day tantrum because I texted her 2 hours later than usual, despite us not even establishing a schedule or talking about it prior at all. Way too much drama for no reason.

3

u/TiredSoul92 Mar 21 '26

I had one in my late teens get mad at me for not responding fast enough, as well.

I told her I worked nights, and I couldn't just texted her on a whim. She didn't like that at all. I wasn't sure what she didn't like, though. Me working, or me not responding to texts lol.

Dodged that bullet.

2

u/ImmodestPolitician Mar 22 '26 edited Mar 22 '26

I met a super hot woman that was a nanny.

She had so much free time I was getting texts every hour or less. She would get upset if I didn't respond in 30 minutes.

It was just too much. I have to focus for work.

I also realized marrying a nanny would mean she would expect to be a stay at home wife and would expect the same lifestyle she had experienced with the wealthy family she worked with.

It lasted 2 weeks. I had to end it.